I'm the Mom to One of Those Kids

It has become quite apparent to me that I'm not only that mom, but I'm that mom to one of those kids. You know. The mom who says "no" exactly 17 times to a child that obviously does not yet understand the meaning of the word "no" but still believes he'll get it at least before she gets to 20.

I'd like to think it's because he speaks fluent Chinese and French, and therefore has had little time to master simple English.

But no, he's just one of those kids.

I'm certainly not one to label or single out children based on their behavior, but if I saw my little paper-eating terror disguised as a cute smiley baby I'd run.

Trying to put a diaper on him is like trying to put a diaper on a slippery hog, except no one would ever be dumb enough to attempt to put a diaper on a slippery hog. And trying to dress him in anything that involves more than one snap is just pure unadulterated hell, however I bet in hell, there are none of those high pitched glass-shattering "You're killing me softly with those 5,000 snaps" screeches.

He's figured out how to open the toilet bowl so that he can swish his hand in pee, toilet water, and wet toilet paper, and then slam the top down on his fingers about four times. He enjoys pulling hair, preferably both mine and my daughter's at the same time while laughing increasingly louder the more we scream. And don't dare take any dangerous items that might not necessarily be considered dangerous but when he throws, eats, spikes, or hammers them they become lethal weapons from his tight grasp or he will scream for very long and tiring minutes.

In the middle of a very crowded place for all people to see and judge you harshly.

I suppose if I had birthed one of those kids my first go round, I wouldn't be so surprised. But my daughter knew that paper was not for snacking but rather for drawing total and complete faces at 18 months old. And she'd much prefer learning the function of electrical sockets as well as how to spell them rather than sticking her finger in one.

But now I'm that mom running around after that kid. You've seen them, right?

Oh wait. Strike that. You've seen the fuzzy resemblance of a mom running after her children at playdates. Their ass never hits so much of a seat before they're running to rescue all small children, animals, and hell, toys from the tight fists of their child, all the while spouting apologies and excuses that are barely audible because they're mixed with "stop that, don't do that, put that down." They enter the room and immediately scan it for any possible device, toy, weapon, or non-edible (but extremely tasty) item before letting their child loose. After introducing themselves they do the pre-emptive "he's just very active and loves to be around people" speech which really means "hold onto anything of value sister because my kid is going to knock it to hell and back before you can say 'spinach dip anyone?'"

And even then the kid still ends up with carpet fuzz, a piece of a Pottery Barn Kids catalog, and some kid's hair in his mouth. All of which the mother has to scoop out while her child screams like an angry baboon much to the displeasure of the other moms who are happily discussing their new chocolate chip recipe.

And being that mom to one of those kids now entails protecting your older child and all of her belongings. And your house now looks like you've just been robbed because you can't even keep a ball of foam on your shelves because well, he'd eat that too. In fact, it wouldn't be so bad if you were robbed because then that would leave about fourteen less things for your kid to try to climb, eat, and run into.

On the plus side, your ass never looked better. Too bad you don't get to stand still for anyone to actually see it.

Comments

[moncler shop]

He is a good friend that speaks well of us behind our backs.

[Amanda]

Oh my gosh. Are you blogging about MY kid??? Only 10 months and a terror since BEFORE birth. I am TERRIFIED of having another. I secretly want to bite the heads off of all those moms who RAVE about motherhood. Yeesh.

[*Marie*]

rofl Your butt looks great. I'm sure of it.

[Sarah at In the Trenches of Mommyhood]

Ummm...yeah. Meet my #2 and #3. Who are BOTH as you described. #1? Was an angel.

*sigh*

[Suburban Turmoil]

Oh man, I love reading your blog and seeing what I have to look forward to in about two months.

Bruiser is SOOOOO different from Punky. He's already rolling and "crawling" (it's a mutated version of crawling right now) everywhere and putting every single thing he finds in his MOUTH. Oh, and he has like three bruises on his head because he literally hurls himself headfirst at anything he finds. Good Lord. Boys are different. I am absolutely horrified thinking about what's to come when he's able to crawl for real, which from the looks of him will be like maybe next week? Oh dear God.

[the weirdgirl]

Me too. ME TOO! One of the moms with "that kid". Just wait until he's older. (I need to come out of the closet and blog about it.) I've gotten to the point where I've stopped apologizing, especially to the judgers. Their children are unnaturally quiet anyway; it's just creepy.

So when I was at the mall and my son started to play with two older boys in a store and their mother turned to me and said, "Warning: my boys are a bad influence." And I said, "YES! Mine is too!" It was instant bonding. That's how you know you're in the club.

[canape]

Did I meet this child? Because I don't think I did.

And now? I'm afraid. Because this little boy is already bruising me from the inside out with his daily salsa dancing marathons. I'm afraid of what will happen when he has room to run.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

I alluded to "those kids" because I don't like to think gender specific. But I do think there's definitely something to this testosterone.

Especially what it's doing to my hair.

Or lack thereof.

[Manic Mommy]

It's like a freakin' AA meeting:

Hello, my name is Christine

- Hi Christine...

And my son is a maniac.

Glad you could join us, Kristen, the water's great.

[lildb]

yep. that about sums it up. minus the older-sister part.

fuck. what happens if I reproduce again, though, Kristen? (because, according to the unspoken rule of "each subsequent child is more satanic than the last," my next child is certain to be even more unruly than the one who is currently ruining every possession that ever meant diddly-squat to me.)

WHAT THEN?

*commences sobbing quietly*

[caramama]

My brother has twins, and his boy is very much like this. So of course I started doubting all of my beliefs that gender differences are blown out of proportion. And I've heard all the stories about how boys are like this.

So, I have a baby girl and I should be safe, right? But guess which of my siblings' kids she is most like? The boy! So we will see if she continues to become one of THOSE kids!

In the debate over trying to have 2 or 3, my husband said if our 2nd is as tough as the 1st, he will not do 3. And I didn't argue.

[Queen of Shake Shake]

Ok, I'm going to be sexist and wonder if it's the difference between boys and girls. Because what you've just described....hell, I didn't KNOW there was a different way than that?? Hello, I have two boys, doesn't everyone do it this way?

I guess not.

[Blue Peacock]

I understand! Before I had my son, I thought that these wild kids were the fault of the parents... Haha. I think Karma has gotten me back for criticizing those parents back in the day, 'cuz now I have one wild toddler of my very own. Wild, active, aggressive, and extremely bright... he is a master manipulator already. What a handful!

[Marriage-101]

Perhaps I'll just go and get my tubes tied now....yikes! I was sweating just reading this!

[witchypoo]

At one time, I fantasized about implanting a chip behind the kid's ear. Every time he did something displeasing, I could zap him with the remote. Then I heard about dog shock collars, but you really don't want people to see your kid with a collar, do you?

[Mina]

Umm, I've got three of these..they are called boys! Fun, aren't they? And unfortunately, my daughter, who's 9 months old, is learning from THEM. Ugh. It's such a joy in my house. ;o)

[Summer]

AGGG! I feel your pain...except BOTH of mine are/were like that. It gets better. I promise.

[Lisa]

It's ok! I'm the mom to one of those kids, too. He's 6 now... and still one of those kids! ;)

[jessicab]

I guess I could say that I partially have one of THOSE kids in Morgan. You know what being one of THOSE kids means? It means that he is going to be strong and be self confident along with being a hard headed little sh*t. I wouldn't change her strong will for the world. It did wear me out though and still does.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

My best 'little boy' moment with my son was when I walked in on him putting the toothbrush (mine!) in the toilet and swishing it around. As I walked over to him to take it away, he lifted it to his mouth, and sucked up the water. Oh good God, I died a million disgusting times over that moment.

[Carrie]

Oh, I fondly remember those days, with those kids -- the ones I had to chase around the house to get a diaper on them. Maybe that's why I was so skinny THEN!

Hang in there, it gets easier!

[Marina]

I got one of those too! I could tell you about the interviews with Social Workers because he got so many head injuries, the call to poison control on his first day of preschool because he ate all the glue, the climb over the seven foot fence at his big brother's elementary school straight onto the major road, how I wore sneakers for the first six years of his life because I needed to be able to run. Or the time I jumped into the pool because he "wasn't drowning mama, just REALLY needed to breathe." I know so well the scanning of every room for potential danger and the complete lack of any adult conversation because I could focus on anything for more than 4 seconds. I also know the feeling of "It's not my fault I raised the other one too. He just came that way." When he was born they had to pin down his arms to suction him because he kept pulling the sucker thing out of his mouth. Many, many stories. and now ... affectionate, sweet, charming, always reading, precious, precious, (if somewhat scarred) child.

[Kara]

Oh this is too funny. It sounds like my life with my little ones. I hate stereotyping, but I think it's a boy thing. Boys are so active! And I seriously go through all the "stop that, no, put that down, no jumping, no throwing, don't hit your sister" and more so many times a day I feel like a broken record. What does my sweet, soon to be two year old say? He comes over and hugs me. Of course then he squeals and gets himself into some other kind of mischief.

[The Feminist Breeder]

a comedian on our cruise described his kid's diaper-changing antics as the Alligator Death Roll.... still makes me laugh to this day cause my kid waits until he's got the biggest, messiest, shittiest diaper you ever saw, then as soon as I open it up he does the "Death Roll" and spins away from me, getting shit all over everything in his path. And that kid is quick. So I'm chasing his shitty bum around the house trying to clean and diaper it again.

Other than that one though, my first born is an absolutely charming boy. You know..... except for the shit-filled Alligator Death Roll.

[Michelle]

While I do believe that girls can occasionally be holy terrors, I think these "bull in a china shop" traits are usually seen in boys. That's not to say that they are only seen in boys, of course.

Girls *tend* to be more compliant, but they will also be more sneaky, whereas boys will be more physically defiant.

Just remember that the kid who fights you now and is stubborn as a mule should be the one with a mind of his/her own who won't be talked into anything by delinquent friends. This will also be the kid who grows into a thinking, rational adult usually, instead of some drone who fears and caters to authority.

I have seen books by a certain psychologist who thinks that "The Strong Willed Child" is a being who should be broken and controlled. Of course he also advocates hitting the kid with a stick and beating his dog too.

I found that with my youngest (girl) that if she saw that she was "getting a rise out of me", that it tended to escalate things. So keeping calm (while screaming on the inside) kept her calm. And instead of yelling "no" all the time, I told her specific things, such as "We don't run in Macy's". And "We don't say the 'f' word in J C Penney. And of course, approval was always great, but it wasn't personal, like "you were good". It was more like "I'm so happy that you didn't run in the store"!

[Mom101]

"And even then the kid still ends up with carpet fuzz, a piece of a Pottery Barn Kids catalog, and some kid's hair in his mouth."

Hilarious.

Um...I mean. Not funny at all. Very, very serious situation here and I hope you have the proper expert-authored reference material to help you handle this properly.

[Suebob]

The second one is always the terror. Didn't anyone warn you? Oops, too late.

[the new girl]

Even though you can't stand still, I'm sure you're bending over a whole lot.

So, people are still getting a peek at that fine and in-shape ass, don't worry.

[mandy]

Girl, my 9 month old bouncing, baby boy is the same. Changing him has become a nightmare, I only do it when I have to. He eats anything and everything. Overall, a total sweetheart though. I also have a 2 year old girl, full of sass. I can't wait until they can turn it all on eachother. I can hear the screaming now...ahhh motherhood.

[heather]

I can so relate. I'm one of those moms, too. I've been told several times that girls start out easier to parent and become more difficult, while boys are more difficult and become easier.
I can't say that makes me feel any better because I have a 10 year old daughter who has been a piece of cake (angel food cake, to be precise).

[Christina]

I don't know if it's just a boy thing. Mira is already starting this. She wants to eat everything she sees at 6 months old. She has a wicked ability to snatch hair in passing, leaving the person attached to that hair at her mercy. And while she can't crawl yet, she can roll to most things in her line of sight.

Once she starts crawling and (oh god) walking, I'm doomed, aren't I?

[Jennifer]

I am am mom to one of those boys, but mine was FINALLY diagnosed with Sensory Integration Disorder. So I only get 1/2 the looks I used to get when I explain its not totally my parenting to blame(and people do all the time, including commenting if he should/shouldn't be medicated). My son mostly bounces off the walls and runs amuck, does not eat and steal too much. But it limits where we can go, how I can decorate and what we can do.

[80KT]

My son was SO SO BAD like this He punched a hole in his wall at 4 and ran over his sister on his bike when he was 6 - stayed in his room fuming for THREE HOURS - he wouldn't apologize because it was an "accident" - this was typical almost everyday stuff. Now he is great now at 9. I have to get stern about his growling at me - he literally growls when he's mad and a little sarcasm on ocassion but mostly he's a dream.

However, I hate to think what this means about my girl. She is 5 and still can throw a tantrum like no one's business. TODAY she threw one from the back of the store to the checkout to the car all the way home kicking and screaming the whole way. I can't imagine what I looked like getting her strapped into the booster seat. I just hope there were no parking lot cameras. She goes back and forth between desperately needing to hug me and boo hooing back to freaking out furious. Usually it means she has an ear infection or is hitting some developmental milestone. Today, it was over shoes she wanted. And did. not. get.

[Erin Brown]

Amen, I'm right there with you. I still am trying to figure out why I didn't name him Damien (the Omen)....

[Heather]

I'm that mom with that son too. It hasn't gotten any better, mine's 3 1/2 now.

[Michelle]

Oh, crap. My daughter could THROW a tantrum, not THROUGH it!

I should add that while, at 5, she is pretty much no longer throwing tantrums, she can have a diva drama moment worthy of any Oscar winner, and routinely does!

[Michelle]

Try adding sensory processing disorder and living with a judgemental MIL who thinks it's your fault your 3 year old acts that way because you just don't disipline him stearnly enough. Yeah, pass the hooch!

My daughter could through a tantrum, like nobody's business, but she always did it in the privacy of our own home. She always acted perfectly for others. My son is the child I always go home from a doctor's appt or ballet or Target and wait for DFACS to knock on my door. Sometimes, I think I might welcome them ;)

[Laural]

I know what you mean. Totally. That post could be about my son. I love him to death but I had NO idea what I was in for. It was, and still is, brutally hard.
Last year, I was speaking to a man who is very influential in a school board. We got talking about my son, and he told me that boys who are so high energy and difficult at such a young age tend to be the kids who mature into teenage boys who are well rounded and really get into highschool.
He said it's unbelievably hard to start, but the rewards are worth it.
I cling to those words.

[Stacey]

I'm that mom to those children too! Nice to meet you! :)

[mamatulip]

You and me both, babe. You and me both.

[mothergoosemouse]

I don't see a single commenter here who admits that their daughter behaves the same way. Am I the only one?

[Lela]

Hahaha, my little terror is four now. And as much as you don't believe it, it will get better. But in spurts that are far and few, lol.

[Submommy]

Pretty sure you're talking about MY son. In fact, I just did an entry in my own blog about my boob not being his personal Easy Button. Does he bang his head on the floor when he gets frustrated? After say, you take away the Comet Cleanser he managed to get a hold of after breeching all security measures? Perhaps we should be on retainer with TSA. I'm with you, sistah.

[Karen]

You're living my life. Seriously. I did not believe that there was a difference between boys and girls...before I had my son. This liberal feminist may have changed her mind.

Now let me tell you a secret. My dearest friend is the most annoyingly perfect mother to the, of course, most angelic child. Her daughter is around the age of my youngest, and whenever she sees my son (like your son) behave as only he can, she sighs and purses her lips and asks me what my plans are for discipline.

And she just had a baby boy.

Bwahhahaahahahhaa...

[Hyphen Mama]

Hey, you livin' in my house? You described perfectly my 16 month-old (the only saving grace, and I mean ONLY) is that he didn't walk until 14 months, but that only slowed him down a little bit.

Diaper changing? LIVING HELL. He screams like I'm skinning him alive. He climbs the baby gates, climbs everything, dismantles everything.

But when he sleeps... it's the sweetest thing I've ever seen. Well, that is WHEN he decides to sleep. Which isn't often.

Daughter was an angel who didn't hit the tantrum stage until we had baby brother.

Thanks for today's laugh!

[Must be Motherhood]

You mean they're not ALL like this? (Says the mother of a boy!) You give me hope that a second might draw with the crayons instead of eat them. Assumng the second is a girl, I suppose.

[Kelly]

I so get this. My firstborn was more on the order of Q. Sure, we had a few incidents, but generally she was compliant and agreeable. Not so with the second one. It's a good thing they're goddamn cute, because it's the only way they survive.

[Julie Pippert]

Early walker to two and a half = my toughest parenting time thus far, hands down, praise the Lord and pass the Prozac.

I can deal with attitude. That's a brain activity.

But chasing deranged lunatics masquerading as cute toddlers? I did not train in the Olympics for this one.

;)

Hang in there!

Julie
Using My Words
http://theartfulflower.blogspot.com

[Lee]

Whooooo, yeah, been there DONE that and still doin' it. Now that he's 3.5, much (but not all) of his energy has switched from physical to verbal. So help me GOD, if I had a nickel for every question this kid asked, I'd be livin' the high life!!!
Hang in there!

[mayberry]

BOYS! Nothing but trouble. Just the other day mine took off on me when I was dropping his sister off at school. He climbed a HUGE flight of marble steps and ended up in the 2nd floor computer lab. I am SO getting him a leash.

[Jill]

My husband's theory on family size is that couples keep having children until they have That One. Mine is child #2, but I only wanted two fortunately. My mother wanted four, but I was #2 and That One, so I'm the youngest. Those that have six before they have That One are either luckier or unluckier, I'm not sure which.

[mldubose]

You know, I've seen and heard parents who've had those "perfect children" and made faces and judging looks at the parents with "those terrible monsters who dared to bring them around our superbly-mothered angels".

And then the perfect parents gave birth to the human tornado.

And they hated themselves for every disapproving glance they ever gave and every "I could so be doing that better than you right now" glare to those frazzled parents of a high-strung and high-energy child.

I have a dear friend with a high-energy child. He's super smart and his mischief, although rule-breaking, is genious. He potty-trained himself by aiming at the dog and firing. And when he would get mad at his sister, he would pee on her. Sounds terrible, yes, but he was out of diapers on his own by age 2.

Where is the rule that kids are supposed to be sedate and quiet? I know they are challenging and some can have "wiring" issues, but why the move to drug them into compliance and dronelike states?

Better busy and a touch overactive than on the couch watching TV, overweight with diabetes and hypertension at age 12 like so many others in this country.

[Lisel Stone]

Before I had kids, I always thought that boys were just what you described-harder to handle, more physical and bigger terrors.
My children,of course, defy stereotypes and my daughter is the holy terror. She loves to scale tall furniture, hit other babies, scream at the top of her lungs and destroy anything within reach.
Now I think that maybe God makes sure we all get one of each. For every perfect child a mom has, there's always a little demon waiting in the wings.

[Kate]

Ah...this is my 15-month-old exactly! Of course, he is a boy. Since he is my first, I just thought all children were this way. And, with the energy that my husband has, all of MY children may be this way. This weekend I pretended to cry when he pinched me, thinking that he might understand that he had hurt me. Instead, he laughed so hard he almost couldn't breathe.

[ImpostorMom]

Does he tell you no and shake his head in response to your Nos? That is just the best. :|

I've started sitting on the floor and pinning Boog down with my leg to get him changed and dressed sometimes. Oh the screaming.

[Kelly]

HA! Everyone who's commenting is saying what I'm going to say: Welcome to mothering a boy. Oy but they're terror's, aren't they? I read somewhere someone commenting about boys (fiction, not instructional book) that "if God didn't want boys to be smacked, he wouldn't have filled them so much with the Devil" (no, I don't beat my kids, but hearing that made me laugh about boy-ness).
I used to feel guilty about never going out with mine (I have two - 3yrs and just turned 1yr) and people didn't understand until they spent enough time with them. Home is safe. Home is where I can relax a bit because the get-into-trouble ratio is low. Home is where I can keep them separated when they're trying to "play together" (this involves throwing things and lots of pushing).
Thankfully I can assure you that it will get better. Soon. He'll start to understand "no" and maybe even stop doing the bad that he's doing. He'll start to cooperate with diaper changes and dressing (oh how I hope that's soon for us). He'll become the little angel you know is hidden WAY deep inside there. Then he'll turn 3 and you'll spend your days wanting to kill him.
...not that I'd know what THAT feels like.

[FishyGirl]

Welcome to the world of boys. That's just the way they are. Eat well, get plenty of rest (HA!) and buckle up. It DOES get better, in a few years. Really. But for a few years there we just stayed home, or only went to the park where no one else goes, so I could just let Little Man be destructo boy to his heart's content. We've recently, like you, entered that point with Nemo, though this time there are 3 other playmates to help corral him, and we've just removed ALL toys, furniture, and other items from the room where we keep him gated.

Wonder how long I've got before he figures out how to climb the gate. Probably only a month or two.

It really does get better, though. Pinky swear.

[Amanda]

I am going through all of those things with my 7 month old son. He is non stop. I would like to say it gets better but I also have a three year old son, and yeah, well.... I had always heard people make references to boys being more "energetic then girls". I thought before I had children that this had more to do with individual personalities than gender. But now that I had two boys and lots o nieces for comparison, I swear they are just hardwired this way:) On a happy note, it is excellent for weight loss and there is no reason to join a gym.

[Shannon]

Oh honey, been there, lived that, still am and he's four and a half. Sometimes I call him my hurricane. The only way to make him be still is to sit with him on my lap. Otherwise he's jumping, flipping, running, somersaulting all over the furniture and his brothers. Keep breathing, and stock up on some good wine! (Works for me!)

[Meg]

I only have one child, a 2 year old son. He behaves exactly the way your son does, except now he is finally getting a little better. I thought this behavior was normal cause all my friends have the same problem with their children, but then again we all have boys. I wonder if it their gender that hard wires them for more exploration and rough play then girls?

[angie]

I remember having to hold my son in my lap, arms tightly squeezing his the whole time. People thought I was hiding behind him, until he got loose.

On the good side, he's now 12 and a very calm, self possessed person. He still has energy to burn. Now he does that on the basketball court and the swimming pool.