It's a Mall World After All

I could write an entire post about the current state of preschool girls' clothing, with velour tracksuits featuring leopard fur collars designed by Carmela Soprano at The Children's Place and the weirdest series of patterns at Gymboree that I think were designed by "House of DeVil and Gabor."

Or I could tell you about the pushiest shoe saleswoman I have ever encountered ever at Dillards who followed me around her closet sized shoe department asking me if I wanted to try on random pairs of shoes like I was at Jimmy Choo or something.

Generally speaking, I pick my own shoes, thank you very much.

But really, I want to tell you about the woman getting her teeth whitened at a kiosk right in the middle of the mall.

My daughter and I made our way past the typical airbrush licensed plates and "bad-photo-on-various-household-items" stands. We handedly avoided the hand lotion and jewelry cleaning terrorists with their "Hey lady, your hands look really dry" or my favorite "Your jewelry is soooo dirty," which is sort of funny because I'm not wearing any jewelry.

We bypassed the iPod accessory guy because when he asked if I had an iPod I just said "No." See, there IS a reason why I don't have an iPod.

I thought we had made it through the kiosk gauntlet until we encountered a young-17-something dressed entirely in an outfit from 5-7-9 who was snapping a hot flat iron at people as they walked by. "Your hair is pretty frizzy, would you like me to straighten it for you?" Imagine how many takers she had on that line. I mean, I barely let my own hair stylist near me with a hot flat iron, let alone some junior in high school at a mall. Isn't that a liability or something?

But just when I thought I had seen it all, there she was. A woman, eyes closed, lying in a dental chair with a mouthguard in, blue light shining on her, and two "doctors" (as my daughter called them thanks to the fancy white coats) scurrying around getting other people set up. Teeth whitening? In the mall?

Eh. I can barely eat comfortably at the food court let alone have someone whiten my teeth in the middle of the freaking mall. Where exactly do you rinse and spit?

I still haven't figured out the appeal to all of this, but I can say that if I ever need a quick cheap makeover, I know exactly where to go. All they need to add is a SmaLand. Oh, and a really good waxer. I mean, what's white teeth when you've got hairy eyebrows and inner thighs?

Comments

[Jordan 4]

Morality may consist solely in the courage of making a choice. (Leon Nlum, French statesman)

[Matches]

What is it with everyone being upset with those employees wearing scrubs or lab coats? Does anyone remember, or ever know in the first place, what those things are for? Sterility...cleanliness. That's why they're used in many industries. Would you feel better about these kiosks if the employees were wearing dirty jeans and stained t-shirts? Of course not. Those garments tell me that they are making an effort to keep things clean. But everyone jumps to "They're trying to look like a dentist!" By the standard being applied here, the TSA screeners at the airport are guilty of masquerading as proctologists because they wear rubber gloves on the job.

[Ernestine]

I had my teeth bleached at the mall yesterday. They did a great job at a great price. I couldn't afford it at my dentist. I would have just as soon no one see me getting them whitened in the mall but they give you these big colored/tinted glasses to protect your eyes & then there is a light in front of you. No one can see you, or they might be able to see you but that can't recognize you.

Nothing grosses me out more than nasty teeth! Yuck! Girls.....go get your teeth did! Then go get those whiskers pulled! I don't care if it is with a string or wax! Go get it done. Seriously, look in the mirror & if you "wonder"....hmmmmnn, I wonder if Ernestine was talking to me about my yellow teeth or that long hair I bleach on my face?? Yes I was!! Go & get to the mall!.......Go on! What are you waiting for?? Go on, Go on now!! You moms that let it all go wonder when your husbands cheat on you or leave you with the kids? Nothing spells it out lounder than Y E L L O W teeth & whiskers. You need to keep yourself up. That being said, lots of malls these days have GYMS too!! Not just Gymboree! Go get on the treadmall & just walk on by the Sbarro stand. I work with some people that are so miserable & I know it has to do with the way they look. We are so lucky that in this day & age you can quickly, inexpensively keep yourself up. Now GET!

[Jamie]

I worked at a mall for 7 years and I've seen it all! It's insane how you can work 40 hours a week and walk by the same kiosk people everyday and still get chased down. You'd think they would remember you. Our mall finally banned them from approaching mall employees displaying a name tag. Everyday that I would try to walk to the food court for lunch, I'd get the following questions to and from the food court:

"Do you have natural nails?"
"Would you like your hair straightened?"
"Let me show you something amazing!"
"What kind of phone do you have?"

I mean, c'mon! I get 30 minutes to get to the food court, get my food, get back, and eat. I don't have time to stop and answer everyone's questions! And then they don't leave you alone. It bugs me when they grab your hands or follow you. I've worked at a kiosk before and we simply said hello and helped the people who came up. None of that crazy stalking stuff!

Our mall just got the teeth whitening thing. I hear some places are banning them so I guess we'll see!

[crystal]

I think you all need to educate yourselves a little before you go bashing another human being. First of all...these people need to make a living too. And, chances are, they are Israeli (not Italian, or Terrorists). But I suppose you knew that already, right? You're just a prejudice, ignorant-fool, right? Give them a break. They don't write blogs about how you piss them off when you do your job (and make racial comments about you which are largely incorrect). Get a life! Pick up a History book and read it. Or turn on the News once in a while, America is an Alie to Israel. They are not terrorists!!! So...they do a job that you wouldn't. Is that really grounds enough for you to ridicule them and call them names? What about the guy who picks up your trash everyday? Or the lady who scrubs the toilet in your office? Do you consider them pond scum just because you wouldn't do their job? I'm sure you all have perfect little lives, and have never had a crappy job, right? I think not!

[Damselfly]

Those hair iron kiosk people are on my last nerve!

[Erin Brown]

Malls are no longer just for shopping. Think of it this way, if there was a terrible, devastating invasion of zombies or walking undead, we'd all be safe in the mall! You could live there for months and have everything you needed! If there happens to be a Home Depot next to the mall, double score! =P

[emily]

OK- had to make 1 more comment here- yesterday I observed someone having their facial hair removed at a kiosk- threading chin hairs 10 yards away from Chick Fil A is just not right. And, those straight iron guys had someone in the chair at all times. A greasy curly-permed Italian guy straightening hair at the mall- yuck.

[Dhoppe]

We have the curling iron people here this year too. Nothing like the smell of burning hair to put one in the mood for a cinnabon. The only lower forms of kiosk life are those "instant snow" people, who seek to sell your children the $25 box of the absorbant chemical stuff inside of diapers.

[Manic Mommy]

I like when the AT&T Wireless guy accosts me when I've got one kid breaking free of the stroller restraints covered in melted M&Ms while the older one is knocking over the entire giant stuffed animal kiosk.

Gee, how'd you know I was dying to switch my carrier NOW? Fuck off!

[Helen]

I am horribly disappointed that you don't have an iPod, I have been to your site a gajillion times this oast week, I even linked to you from my blog because that gift link?? OMG when I saw that OmiBod, that connects to your iPod and vibrates to the beat of your very own chosen tune...well that and the cell phone personal massager, I can't tell you how much I have laughed and now, the source of my new found knowledge...you tell me you have no iPod?? Bet you anything you like that salesman with his iPod gadgets never had the OmiBod on his stall!!

[Beth]

OMG! Do we shop at the same mall?!! I saw that same teeth whitening thing this past weekend, and thought, "Crap! I'd really love to have WHITE teeth, but IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MALL IN FRONT OF EVERYONE??!!!!"

no thanks

[justmylife]

I avoid the mall whenever possible, my problem is with the tweens and teens left at the mall to do whatever they want. That is usually pushing me or my daughter to the side so that they can get to one another. Makes you feel like taking their parents aside and tell them to teach them some manners or to not let them run loose. And the clothes, Lord don't get me started on that. Most need to put on MORE clothes, I wonder if they left the house looking like that or if it was after they got there that they transformed into these tiny streetwalking look alikes.

[The Feminist Breeder]

Our mall has a little "salon" in the middle where women sit there getting their mustaches bleached and their eyebrows waxed.

Is nothing sacred anymore?

[dana]

What the hell kind of mall were you at? Teeth whitening? Hair straightening? Do I really need to get out more to experience some of this?

[Hall]

When did this happen to malls? We live an hour from any mall so it's been years since I went to one. This year, we needed to be near one for some other errands so we thought it would be fun to take our nine year old daughter shopping during the big sales. But man did I get nailed by the kiosk folks... I had no idea. And I gather from the posts here that this is universal... how does such a thing happen? Why?

[Kristen]

Smaland is the free babysitting play area at IKEA, Kara.

I wouldn't have known about it either but since we now hang out at IKEA...

[Christina]

Wow, I've never seen teeth whitening in the mall. But I've had my fair share of idiots offering to use their flat iron on Cordy's hair. Because my toddler needs straight hair, of course.

[Kara]

Am I the only one not getting the SmaLand thing? I feel really behind.

[Monica]

.. and that right there is why I avoid the mall... I HATE those facial product idiots.. who don't even look like they'd know a facial cleansing product if it hit them in the face. I mean honestly.. if you have a face full of zits, do you THINK I'm going to buy your product.. Um no..

[Brenna]

I knew I had good reason to do all my shopping online.

And when exactly did kiosk salespeople turn in to carnival barkers? If I want what you're selling, I'll approach you, and if I don't want it, you won't convince me by chasing me down with a flat-iron. Sheesh.

[mothergoosemouse]

Seriously. Going to the mall anymore is like shopping in a Middle Eastern bazaar. Hate it.

My misanthropic self and I will sit at home and shop online, thankyouverymuch.

[Wisconsin Mommy]

I can beat that - I was approached by someone to host a whitening party at my home. You know, like a Tupperware party, except with mouth guards? Can you imagine??? Needless to say, I said "no thanks" and RAN in the other direction!

[Daisy]

Teeth whitening? I thought the chair massages were bad. I could never get one of those in a mall; how could you relax? My luck, my students would walk by and say, "Hey, look, there's my teacher!"

[ImpostorMom]

OMG my mom and I saw the same thing this weekend in a mall in Chattanooga. WTF?!

[Jennifer]

Having worked at a Ruby Tuesday that was in a mall for 5 years, I especially loathe the mall.

Since I haven't spent much time in a mall in several years, I had no idea I could go there to get my teeth whitened and my hair straightened while eating a greasy Sbarro pizza slice. Brilliant.

[mldubose]

Oh, come on. You know you wanna go into a Glamour Shots and get a "Makeover" so you can look like a cheap whore and let Q look like a little pageant freak.

I feel for those people who have to sell stuff at those kiosks. Especially the ones selling those "natural" products that aren't natural at all. They don't like to take "no" for an answer until you tell them you can get it cheaper online. That shuts them up quick.

[Michelle]

oh my god, you have the best blog ever. thank you.

[BOSSY]

Please - Bossy isn't even relaxed enough to sit in a Sharper Image massage chair.

[Lisse]

I absolutely hate malls and avoid them if at all possible.

But I love the title of this post. Sad, but true.

[Christy]

My mom and I actually someone getting their eyebrows threaded at the mall a few days ago! That is definitely the weirdest thing I have seen so far. Teeth whitening would be right up there, though. Seems like they are turning the entire mall corridor into a cheap-ass salon! Hair, Brows, Teeth, Skin, Piercing...what's next?

[emily]

I call them kiosk monkeys, and I am terribly pissed when they venture away from their cages to approach me. They need to be tethered with one of those harness and leash setups if they cannot be completely confined!

[Assertagirl]

I was recently approached by someone from what I initially thought was the "Pro-Active Solution" kiosk.

"Could I talk to you for a minute?" was the young girl's approach.

"Not right now," I said, and kept right on walking.

Did I think I'd go back later to talk? No. Then I was pissed that it was the acne treatment people who had something to say to me. Then I realized later it wasn't them, it was some other skin care treatment thing. Ugh. What a horrible job to have.