I could write an entire post about the current state of preschool girls' clothing, with velour tracksuits featuring leopard fur collars designed by Carmela Soprano at The Children's Place and the weirdest series of patterns at Gymboree that I think were designed by "House of DeVil and Gabor."
Or I could tell you about the pushiest shoe saleswoman I have ever encountered ever at Dillards who followed me around her closet sized shoe department asking me if I wanted to try on random pairs of shoes like I was at Jimmy Choo or something.
Generally speaking, I pick my own shoes, thank you very much.
But really, I want to tell you about the woman getting her teeth whitened at a kiosk right in the middle of the mall.
My daughter and I made our way past the typical airbrush licensed plates and "bad-photo-on-various-household-items" stands. We handedly avoided the hand lotion and jewelry cleaning terrorists with their "Hey lady, your hands look really dry" or my favorite "Your jewelry is soooo dirty," which is sort of funny because I'm not wearing any jewelry.
We bypassed the iPod accessory guy because when he asked if I had an iPod I just said "No." See, there IS a reason why I don't have an iPod.
I thought we had made it through the kiosk gauntlet until we encountered a young-17-something dressed entirely in an outfit from 5-7-9 who was snapping a hot flat iron at people as they walked by. "Your hair is pretty frizzy, would you like me to straighten it for you?" Imagine how many takers she had on that line. I mean, I barely let my own hair stylist near me with a hot flat iron, let alone some junior in high school at a mall. Isn't that a liability or something?
But just when I thought I had seen it all, there she was. A woman, eyes closed, lying in a dental chair with a mouthguard in, blue light shining on her, and two "doctors" (as my daughter called them thanks to the fancy white coats) scurrying around getting other people set up. Teeth whitening? In the mall?
Eh. I can barely eat comfortably at the food court let alone have someone whiten my teeth in the middle of the freaking mall. Where exactly do you rinse and spit?
I still haven't figured out the appeal to all of this, but I can say that if I ever need a quick cheap makeover, I know exactly where to go. All they need to add is a SmaLand. Oh, and a really good waxer. I mean, what's white teeth when you've got hairy eyebrows and inner thighs?