Save the Vaginas!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After 89 of the funniest comments I've read in a really long time, I couldn't just let this one pass by without giving a shout out to my fellow vaginally challenged sisters.

That is what it's called, right? Or maybe "The League of Big Vaginas?," "Big Vaginas United?," or "We the Looser Women?"

Who knew that tampons expanded in various different ways --sort of like my ass after having two children (ha), that people actually stick a cup up in their vah-hoo-hoo and then verrrrrrry carefully pull it out (and then the part that I'm still a bit dljkjkdfhjdhfduifd pth pth pth about -- they wash it out and put it back in again), and that well, I'm not the only one shooting tampons out of me like spit balls from some bratty 8 year old's straw.

So, if you're "throwing hot-dogs down a long hallway" or you've been "dropping tampons for months," then here are some depressing interesting suggestions from my readers.

[Please note that none of these techniques, products, or lunatic notions are endorsed by Motherhood Uncesored]

Cloth Pads? They're better than I expected, although avoid the bamboo terry ones -- soft, but too unstructured. They end up a wad of fluff trying to creep up inside. -Liza

[Cloth pads almost make me barf as much as the thought of my stretched vagina holding a cup full of, um, you know]

IUD? ...then i had an IUD inserted - HELL-O!? can you say FREEDOM? no periods, no products - just a little finger insertion to make sure it's all in place. -Angie in Texas

[Yeah, go talk to MGM -- the very pregnant MGM -- about her IUD]

Surgery? Yeah, I'm not sure it's worth the $4500-9000, but I appreciate the thought, Fidget.

I got the endometrium ablasion procedure done and I have not gotten a period since. You many want to look into it. -Lily

[If I can't say it, chances are I won't let anyone do it to my vagina]

The Dixie Diva Cup? The diva cup takes some getting used to, but so worth it. Sure, it might be one of the grossest things you'll ever take part in, but still worth it. -Cheryl

[Yeah. Everyone LOOOOOVES the Diva Cup. I'm still extremely skeptical. Call me crazy, or just not so much about walking around with a cup up in my whacker]

Exercises? You could put a cheerio in the toilet and practice trying to hit it with the tampon. -witchypoo

Start Kegeling like crazy. -Fairly Odd Mother

[Is this part of those Mommy Boot Camp things?]

New Tampon Brand? I gotta say: OB tampons all the way. The fact that it opens like a flower makes a huge diff. The application...uh...takes some getting used to, but it really works with my, um, "internal changes." -Citymama

I would suggest the playtex though, I used to have the same problem with tampax because they grow longer rather than wider. -Impostormom

[I will happily offer my money to any tampon that does not remind me about my not-so-taut vagina]

New Tampon Insertion Technique? I just shove mine sideways now. Lovely. -Michelle

[heh]

Ben Wa Balls? Ben Wa balls are good because you can tighten your vag muscles and use them as a sex toy because they vibrate. I love my ben wa balls! Yeah! -Krista

[Scary and yet very interesting]

Anything to add?

Comments

[Julia from A Review on Pregnancy Test]

If it is both comfortable and practical for you and your partner, then I would suggest to undergo surgery. Rids you with the hassles! Of course, that is if you both decide not to have children anymore. pregnancy test reviews

[lynn2009]

OMG! Please tell me where all of you girls have gone! This is the funniest, most informative site, I have ever seen on this subject. I, myself, have the "dinky" Grammie was talking about. Found you girls while searching for an alternative to surgery or a fat OB/GYN bill. Why the hell don't these organs just shrivel up and drop out when we are done having babies?! So done with the bowling ball hanging out. And I'd love some of those vibrating Ben Balls, but, please, send two dozen!

[Erin Brown]

I have to admit I am a woman of the IUD nation. I had my IUD put in in 2005 because I could never remember to take my pills and Depo Provera made me sick as a dog. I have to admit not having periods was nice for awhile. However, now it's been over 2 years and while I don't have "periods" anymore I have all the symptoms of a monthly cycle. I even had to start taking Midol again because I was cramping. All the pain, no flow! Hmm is it worth it? Well it's cheaper than a tubal ligation that's for sure! At least with and IUD it's good for 5 years and it can be removed if you decide it's the right time to have a child. So there are pros and cons to it, but I'm pretty happy with my decision!

[Hyphen Mama]

Okay...this comment is SO late, but I had to share it. I just stumbled upon this site and realized that here we all are WASTING our perfectly good juices every single month. Flushing, washing...DESTROYING what will save the universe and the human race!! (snicker)

http://www.celle.com/

[mldubose]

Isn't it great that we have so many choices? I mean what works for one of us may be torture for another, but there is always something else out there. Something that will go along with our individual, personal philosophies (the pill is bad/good, tampons are wasteful/terrific, reusable things are gross, reusable things are wonderful, or whatever). Our moms didn't have this. I mean, have you seen those giant Kotex they had? 20 to a box, and the box is 1x2 FEET big!!!

And what about those fucking BELTS from way back when???!!! Can you imagine that thing going up your crack while it's clipped to a pad that's big enough to build a house on? Wadding up between your legs and giving you a camel toe and what looks like a major slab of twat fat. Hey, I'm just guessing. I'm only 35.

And the birth control pills they DID have were so full of hormones that they were twice the strength of ours. And their IUDs made you bleed like you had a knife wound in your baby-oven. And remember the Dalcon Shield lawsuits?

But soon, you will get tight again, as another poster said. Hell, if I go 2 weeks with no hot beef injection, it's like starting over. And that's great for an ole whore like me. --Just kidding. But really, you will shrink up soon.

[Amanda]

If you think Diva cups are a bit weird (I love mine though... but then again i havent had kids) try sea sponges. Even weirder. a) they are reusable b) to clean them you actually have to squeeze the blood out of it and run it under water umpteen bazillion times.

[Mary]

You guys need to try the Mirena IUD. I had one put in six years ago. The periods decrease dramatically, and after about a year go away all together. I just had a new one put in (they last for five years or so) because I love it so much.

And your vagina does tighten up again after having a baby, I promise. It just takes awhile. In the meantime, look at the OB Supers. I accidentally bought a box of the tiny little tampons for teenagers, and they make me feel like I just gave birth 24 hours ago (my baby is ten). But the supers stay in just fine.

[Lotta]

I was watching Dr. 90210 last night and they had a mother on who was getting vaginal rejuvenation surgery. She wanted to feel like she was 18 again down there.

So she gets the surgery and in the post op interview they ask her if she's had sex yet. She admits she has and it was....different. (Unlike her overexcited husband in the background she was kind of cool about the results.)

Know why? Cause sex sucks when your 18. My vagina was so tight you could bounce quarters of it. God help me if I dated anyone that was well endowed.

So even though I have to buy the Super Duper Extra Wide Load tampons. I don't have to flinch when it's time for the nooky.And that makes having a stretched out Picachew all worth it.

[mldubose]

A little tidbit of info about tampons versus silicone methods. Even though the tampons are generally biodegradable, the cotton they are made from is sprayed with oodles of chemicals. I shudder to think of what this does to the land and water supply. Unless you always buy the "natural" or organic tampons, you are shoving some pretty nasty chemicals into your love canal. After 30 or so years of this, who knows the harm it does.

[mldubose]

I've used the Instead things before. They are those disposable ones, but my hubby didn't like 'em too much. I personally get grossed out by the thought of sex when Aunt Flo is visiting, but thought I would give it a try since that is a big advantage with Instead. There's nothing to rinse, and you just toss 'em. You use far fewer of these than you would tampons. Maybe one per day. To each her own, I guess.

My mother had a prolapsed uterus problem for a long time and actually used, count 'em, TWO tampons at a time! You would think that a cotton stuffed va-jay-jay would make her walk funny, but it didn't.

My kids are much older, and I've put a stop to the damned periods. I just take the pill. Every day. No fake period for me, thank you very much. I know some of you guys are nursing, so it's not an option, but for others I'm just putting it out there. It can really change your life.

[karrie]

Try the Diva cup.

It is a little weird the first couple of times, but what's not to love about a menstrual product that you can leave in all day? Or have to remember to buy every month?

And if you don't like it, you can return it. Although, I can't imagine the embarrassment of that exchange would be worth it.

[Jerseygirl89]

I think I may have to try more tampon brands before I try the Diva Cup. Or maybe I should just have another baby? After my second I didn't get a period for 11 months. So that would be another 20 months free from this problem and by then you all will have found the perfection solution, right?

[Jerri Ann]

I had a hyster, but even after my 2 kids, I didn't use tampons at all, or the diva cup or anything other than those "sanitary napkins" that are so unsanitary. Anyway, the few times I tried OB's....it hurt like crap when I was taking them out. I mean, you put this single little thing in and that "flowering" that it does once inside, that sucks because that flower has thorns or something.

[witchypoo]

Okay, I'm sorry, but I have one more, although it isn't t.echnically about vadges. My Grammie had a prolapsed bladder, and it stuck out of her body. She told me she thought she had grown a "dink". She is 95 and it cracked me up to hear my Grammie say "dink". I'll stop now, honest.

[roxanne]

Thanks for covering this topic! I would never bring "this" up at a playgroup. Those women are so uptight, just not "down there". I guess they're making up for it w/their personalities.
I too was shocked at my inability to keep in a super plus tampon after the delivery of my 10lb4oz baby. The doctor has recommended that when i am done having babies that i have my va jayjay "reconstructed". I will one day have "fecal incontinence" he says. Pussyfarts, excessive tampon changing, and sometimes the inability to withhold gas in a quiet room full of people. Thank you children for all of the joy you have given me.

[Manic Mommy]

Margalit - "this one time...at Disneyland..." classic.

[margalit]

At Disneyland years ago, I was on the Indiana Jones ride with my kids and I'm a total chicken. I mean a seriously sad chicken. When the big giant boulder came down the roof of the ride, I literally shot my tampon (playtex superdooper) out of my vagina and into my underwear crotch. Because I was on the ride, I could not deal with the problem. By the time I came out of the ride, I had bled all over my pants. I mean ALL OVER them. I had to tie my jacket around my waist the rest of the day because it looked like I had been shot in the vajayjay.

[Lauraszoo]

YOU make me giggle!

after mt sis had her baby she had this "thing" hanging out. At her 6 wk check-up the doctor pointed out that it was her CERVIX, hanging out, for real. So ladies, it could be worse...

[GIRL'S GONE CHILD]

Funny about the Diva Cup. I've never heard of it before your previous post and apparently I've been living under a rock? Maybe if they changed the name I'd give it a whirl. But Diva cup? Oh, man-- sounds like the name for a transexual jock-strap. I don't know if I could buy that thing with a straight face. Then again, I'm like, twelve.

[Stacy]

Geez everyone's talking about their va jay jays lately. Tyra Banks devoted an entire show to it. She even had some doctor on who had a vagina puppet. Hilarious!!

[the weirdgirl]

Wait... I could shoot out tampons before I had a kid. That's not normal?

[the new girl]

witchy poo--
LMFAO!
Pussyfarts.

My first time back to yoga after had my baby was interestig.

I was horrified that my woo woo had like 'in-and-out' BREATHING. I told my sister that apparently, childbirth had turned my vagina into a blow-hole.

As Kristen would say.. pftpftpft fodkdl kk jhdk dfnvlg...

[~T]

I bought a set of smart balls. Slightly larger than ben-wa. Feel good, and good for me.

[Jonah Lisa]

I'll be trying the Diva Cup, too.

Unfortunately, I've always been an OB user and despite doing the Kegels and only having one kid, I can't hold on to the little suckers anymore.

I am sad.

[Katie]

You all have totally scared me shitless! I've been doing kegels non-stop since you started on this topic, and I'll be damned, but my gina is ready to PTFO from all the working out!

[Andrea]

Okay, so this is my first visit, but it won't be my last! Thanks for making me laugh so hard my sides hurt!

I'm looking forward to your Diva Cup Review. I haven't started my cycles back yet thanks to breastfeeding and a little pink POP pill, but when I do, I don't want to shoot tampons across the room! (Okay, maybe once just to show off... hehehe)

[Christine]

Ah yeah ... I loves me some Diva Cup!!

And ... seriously ... those stanky pons are not only smelly and warped looking when they come out, but THAT has been riding around inside you. And don't tell me you've never found yourself bumped or splattered by one of those sick sticks. I'll take crisp, clean silicone any day.

After the first day of Flo, I only have to empty my sweet Diva at morning and night. She's a magical little gal. Sometimes I just wear her for fun!

Okay ... not really ... but I am considering this whole Ben Wa Balls thing ...

[Multi-tasking Mommy]

Very interesting and educational post :)
I guess that is one of the benefits of a c-section--on of the FEW benefits, I might add!

[Multi-tasking Mommy]

Very interesting and educational post :)
I guess that is one of the benefits of a c-section--on of the FEW benefits, I might add!

[Arkie Mama]

I've read reviews of the diva cup and I get that's it's great and green and easy on the earth, etc... etc...

... but as it is, I already have two kids who barge into the bathroom all the freaking time and then want to know all about whatever it is that Mommy's shoving up her "Gyna" and I'm all about speedy and efficiency and so really, it's a question of time and convenience for me.

In other words, I do not want to have to empty, rinse, repeat during a period, which, despite experimention with various pills, insists on lasting six days.

Also, quite frankly, I'm afraid the diva cup would confirm my worst fears about the old hoo-ha if it were to fall out.

And of course it would, because I swear I've heard an echo down there.

[mandy]

I really don't have much to add on this topic, you girls have touched on just about everything I can think of.

But I sure enjoyed reading it! I had no idea they had a dixie cup thingie for us now, I suspect a man came up with this idea. Even though some of you say you love it, eww. I didn't know about the balls either, but I am game for most anything that vibrates.

[Lela]

Wow, I'm laughing so hard it took me three tries to type my email address, lol.

[Hyphen Mama]

2 babies, 2 c-sections...still shooting tampons out my whacker by the dozens every single month. AND after the post-partum tightening, I'm tighter than a virgin (hubs LOVES it). SO, I'm with the commenter who says it's nothing to do with a stretched out vagina.

As far as the OMG periods following birth, regardless that I'm still breastfeeding---considering the Diva Cup!! It can't possibly be grosser than the 200 gallons of kid vomit I've cleaned up this weekend.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

I'm not so squeamish about menstrual blood, just not a cup full in the bathroom at Target.

BUT... hold your horses...

DIVA CUP REVIEW COMING!!!!!!!!

[mothergoosemouse]

My IUD was already on my shit list prior to my "you've got to be kidding me" surprise. Periods that were three week hemorrhages - and for that I paid money out of pocket.

IUDs suck.

[Tiffany]

don't think by having a c-section you are saved from this horror. After having the twins I had this trouble for the first 4 months after the gift returned and after baby boy arrived I dealt with it again for about 2 or 3 months. Each time (after a while) it went away and I used Playtex....still do.

[witchypoo]

I really can't read enough about this topic. Those and poop posts.
And, can anybody say pussyfarts?

[jennifer]

I had an IUD for 7 years and while it did a wonderful job for birth control, my periods were actually heavier and crampier.

I got a little squeamish about the Diva cups too, so I found these things call 'Instead' just like the Diva cup but disposable! (I know, totally not green but...)

[fidget]

hmmm Ben's balls sound intriguing

[Manic Mommy]

Just got some spam from drugstore.com pointing me to beauty.com. They're having a 20% off everything sale this Wednesday 11/7. They do sell the diva cup for $30.49 so you'd be getting it for about $24.00.

I'm still not sold on the idea but am considering it.

[Eryn]

A woman in my playgroup started having really bad cramps on her right side, so her doctors gave her a cat scan. Turns out, her IUD had "migrated"(read: perforated) out of her uterus and was just kinda hanging out next to her right kidney. She apparently loved it so much that once they surgically removed it, she went and had another one inserted! Personally, I think I'd rather try a diva cup. As gross as it sounds, at least it's not going to end up in my spleen. ( I'm actually considering trying one cause I'm starting to hate tampons.)
Also, I used to have the ejecting issue after kid03, but after a (long) while, it resolved itself. Sometimes your uterus is lower after childbirth, and it has a tendency to push tampons out, especially when you sit on a toilet, so it doesn't necessarily have to do with being too er, wide.

[rachel]

I really appreciate the frankness of this conversation, as I didn't realize till it started how strange it is that women don't talk about this more often.

I have to say, however, I am a little unnerved by how squeamish people seem about the Diva cup (fucking dumb name aside) and the possibility of coming into contact with menstrual blood. It's not gross, it's not germy, and it's not coming out of your kid's butt.

[Queen of Shake Shake]

Ok, where the hell are the vibrating ben wa balls? Because mine don't vibrate.

Oh never mind. I don't need the balls to vibrate. I get a little turned on just knowing their in there.

BTW, I know you don't care but I'm saying it anyway. I have the Diva Cup up in my hooha at this very moment. I'm not careful when I take it out and *gasp* I got a smidgen of blood on my finger. I think it may rot off! snort

[carolyn]

Playtex Sport tampons in super size. stay put, do the job, no falling out.

[Kelly]

I have to say, usually I pine for the vaginal birth and deride my own very difficult c-sections. But all this talk is making me strangely pleased with my vagina.

Count me in as one getting ready to try the diva cup. I'm so blasted sick of tampons and pads.