Defiance.

I wasn't ready for it.

I called for her to come back and apologize. She just kept walking -- pretending that she couldn't hear me calling her name.

I chased after her. Shocked.

She sat in the corner for awhile and then I came to comfort her. Letting her cry has never done anything but make things worse. It's been like that since she was a little baby. She escalates into a huge fit of rage and cannot regulate herself.

She was tired. So was I.

I held her like I always do and asked her why she was upset. She never knows, but she usually apologizes for making a bad choice, my tight grasp reassuring her and calming her down almost instantly.

But not that night. She adamantly refused.

She asked for daddy. She asked to be left alone. She asked for "a breath."

But she would not apologize.

I've spent over three years being everything to this little someone. Her comforter, her protector, and the one she always turns to.

My mind flashed through all those times where I wanted a break from those roles. Where I wanted my husband to take her so I didn't have to hold, rock, pat, and nurse her.

It was so hard. I was so tired.

But I was wanted. I was needed.   

I wasn't ready for her rejection. And I'm not ready for her to grow up just yet. I only wish I had realized this a little sooner. Maybe then this wouldn't have stung so badly. 

Comments

[b*babbler]

Aw, I'm so sorry.

We're having one of those days and Peanut is only a year old. Everything I do today has resulted in a belly to the floor tantrum. Fun times.

It sucks, truly it does.

[Manic Mommy]

Drew will not do this to you. His daddy may be cooler but you are always Mommy (with a capital M).

I should have named RC Defiance. He just gives me the look that says "What else you got?" Answer: "I got nothin'"

[Jozet at Halushki]

Just wanted to add that I came by my wisdom via the wisdom of other moms who told me the same thing when I was going through this - and continue to go through - defiance/independence "stages".

Just to be clear, as kids get older, I'm also very firm as to where my own boundaries are when it comes to using mommy as a sponge for their emotions, or a punching bag. My 8yo is definitely old enough to hear, "I can hear that you are angry, but that still doesn't give you the right to speak to me disrespectfully. Try again, dear." Of course, the flipside of that is that when I get angry, she demands that same respect; I don't get to be hurtful just because I'm bigger. Emotions are always okay; some ways of expressing them are not. And knowing when to absorb thier bad feelings and when to let them know that they are capable hurting your feelings is someting that is intuitive, I think. My 6yo would crumble if I told her that she broke my heart when she said that she hated me. She's new at language and strong emotions - again, not an excuse for bad behavior, but to some level I have to suck it up, and that stinks. "Hate" to her means very angry; "hate" to me means somthing profoundly different.

But again, a learning process according to each child, each parent, each age and stage...

Check out Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's books on raising "Spirited" kids with positive (not permissive, not authoritarian) discipline, and also How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. My flippin' bibles and my sanity.

[chancesmom]

Add the adoption layer over top of this and you get what I have with a 6 year old wonderful, independant, spirited girl!!! Yeah, it stings everyday, but I gotta keep remembering it is about her becoming who she needs to be, not my needs. She (and your girl)need to know that you will be there always. That helps me.
Joset, you are very wise.

[lori]

My son is almost 3 and has become Mr. Negativity lately. He is constantly saying, leave me alone, be quiet, mean mommy/daddy. It does hurt and then after a while it makes you mad but Jozet was 100% right. And it'll only be worse as they get older. Another hard thing for moms to transition- our children not being 100% dependent on us. I feel your pain Kristen and hate that you're hurting.

[canape]

No advice. Just sorry that it hurts.

[dana]

Dawson has been defiant for quite some time. He has these moments where he just ignores me and I don't really know where he learned this. And when I discipline him for a bad action, he cries for Daddy. It's infuriating.

[PunditMom]

I think she may be related to PunditGirl -- letting her cry and "time-outs" never worked and still don't. And the defiance started early. I hate to say this -- but I don't see any signs of it letting up. The really scary thing is how angry it makes me because I just want to help her.

[The Feminist Breeder]

Jonas is only 16 months and one day he's a daddy's boy, the next he's a momma's boy. Every day, one of us is feeling rejected. I often wonder if he even loves me. I assume he doesn't. Why would he? I don't love my mom. But then again, she was a big absent peice of crap.

[witchypoo]

I agree that she feels free to reject you because she knows you will always be there for her.
I stopped counting the rejections from my kids. It is crazy-making.
Also? Humour does not help them out of their snit very often.
"Do you want to go to the good Mommy store?" is met with screaming.
Try it at your peril.

[mothergoosemouse]

Just nodding. It's hard, especially when you're tired and feeling vulnerable yourself.

[Queen of Shake-Shake]

It's not all defiance. Some of it is just independence. It's still hard though, I know.

It goes by so fast, their growing up.

[Vicky]

Ouch it certainly stings. My daughter has recently started to yell "No, I want my Dada." She only does this when he is not home.

[motherbumper]

This is so familiar that it hurts reading about your experience. Because I am Bumper's sidekick and therefore kicking target, I try to take comfort by telling myself that her rejection of me is only because she knows that I will always, always be there.

[Her Bad Mother]

I so know this feeling. WB doesn't get angry often, but when she does, it's fierce and it's always directed at me. Never at Daddy, precious Daddy who can do no wrong. Impossible to describe the feeling - but not a happy one. Feel for you. xo

[TB]

I hope I have someone like Jozet to offer such wise words when I write a similar post in a few years.

The thing I'm learning about motherhood is something that you already know. Just when you think you've got it figured out, it changes. And you can never be prepared for that.

[FishyGirl]

I'm so sorry. It smarts, and knowing that we all go through it and that it's actually a sign of a good thing, as Jozet said, doesn't make it hurt any less.

Though, honestly, I'd take that one over the slamming-door-"I HATE you, MOMMY!" thing any day. Maybe start drinking now to cope with that one in a couple of years.

Sigh. It's situations like these that make us need reminders why we did this voluntarily.

[Mrs. Chicky]

Ouch. There's no bandaid for that wound.

[S. Moore]

I know the feeling. I am grateful that my first real rejection did not come until my son was in 2nd grade. He told me he wished he had a regular mom that just stayed home and did not come to school. I was the VP for PTA and was at school at least 3 days a week.

My heart shattered...

Still haven't quite recovered.

[Jackie]

Can totally relate to this.
Know you're hurting but this was a really great post. It really helps to know that I'm (and so many others are, I'm sure) not alone.

[jodi]

Michael has started with no mommy, leave me alone.Don't hug me, don't kiss me. I just ignore him.

[Mldubose]

I know it hurts like hell, but remember: she's still emotionally so small and immature. And she'll change her mind about who her "favorite" is over and over. It's all a part of her growing up and discovering who she is as a separate person from you.

And just think. Soon you'll see what her personality is like when she says things that she didn't learn from you or that you didn't teach her. It's when they have their own thoughts that you know you taught them well and taught them to stand on their own two feet and to have little minds of their own.

It's getting to that point that can be so hard.

[Mrs. Chicken]

The Poo told me to leave and go away and not come back this week.

It hurts.

Hugs.

[Jozet at Halushki]

Your defiant child can only feel comfortable in being defiant because she is secure in knowing you love love her.

I know it doesn't help - or work - to say, "Don't take it personally."

But this is a girl who is testing out her separateness, beginning to define the edges of herself.

Loving her like you do, later on when she needs to turn that defiance on someone who is actually trying to lead her astray in some way, she will turn from that person, and come looking for you. That's forever. You are her safe harbour to test the skill of being herself in her very small boat.

[Jennifer]

My son is only 2 and I'm rejected on a daily basis. It stings every time.