Motherhood Uncensored

So Really, What ARE You Doing About Lead in Toys?

Just when you thought it was safe to buy 14 battery operated no-off button heinously loud Dora toys, yet another recall list drops.

I'm kidding. I have never purchased ONE battery operated toy.

Um, well, at least for my kids.

[ahem]

But honestly, it's more my in-laws that I worry about. We've spent Christmas with them every year since my daughter was born and I'm not one to say they have to "run" their toy choices by me because I would just leave them all there (heh). But this year, I'm afraid.

Not only due to the recalls, but also because I have my own house now. And I don't want that crap in my house.

I've got two boxes FULL of crappy little toys that I have yet to give away or *gulp* Freecycle. And I don't want any more. I've got a big wonderful list of fantastic toys that I want to get for them.

And I've emailed it to them, trying to subtly beg them to purchase those and not the lifesized plush Dora and Diego doll.

But seriously, what are you guys doing this year when it comes to the recalls? And check out this awesome page at Cafemom!

Big is Not Always Better

*Clearly my readers leave the best comments. If you need a laugh, please read them*

I've shared my innermost secrets here, without shame or embarrassment.

I'm stupid open like that.

The prairie dog sized hemorrhoids, the pubic gnomes, and my marriage have all been scrutinized in great detail by my faithful readers, wayward Googlers, and God only knows who else.

So, why would my tampon sliding right out of my "personal purse" be any different?

Um, because I've never heard one person, no not one never ever ever, talk about their big old post-partum vagina. But apparently, that's exactly what I'm sporting these days. Except in this case, big is clearly not better.

Amidst my costume sewing fest that then became a stinky and terror-plotting glue situation, I got my period back -- which in itself is incredibly annoying since I have not one feminine product in my house.

Okay, that's a lie. I found two tampons in my teeeeeny tiny "I'm so cute and young and only need to carry lipstick and a credit card and apparently tampons" purse from a bazillion years ago. Like that's not depressing enough as it is. But other than those too sexy and single tampons, I'm walking around with toilet paper in my underpants until I can get to a Target.

And so, I bought my regular old Tampax, now with an extra handy applicator gripper by the way (amazing the developments that happen in a couple of years!), and went about my business.

That was until I went to the bathroom later that day because I felt something very odd and noticed my not totally used up yet tampon was not where it should be.

And that would be sliding halfway out of me.

Without me pushing it out or pulling the string, of course.

And then I thought the dreaded, terrible, and worst thought ever.

I'm all stretched out.

Ugh. Ack. Ptthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh dfhdofjdalfjaldkjflkdfje9ijflsdfdkjfdk. (That would be the sound of me barfing 1000 barfs)

Yep. There's just no other explanation. Just me and my old stretched out vagina, shooting out tampons at any random moment of the day.

Dare I ask if there is any solution to this problem, you know, like a new tampon brand or a vagina lift?

You Do Know How I Was Dying to Respond, Don't You?

[D-CountyFreecycle] WANTED; LOOKING FOR ALLTYPES OF FLUTES.

IM AIMING TO START A COLLECTION OF THEM. THANK YOU IF YOU COULD HELP OUT.

Sorry. I'm Busy Trying to Figure Out How to Sew a Dwarf Costume Without Actually Knowing How to Sew

Perhaps you should go get a few costumes *ahem* of your own.

Did you take my survey yet? So far I've learned that my readers like my writing and are old (ha, just kidding).

I'm spouting out advice on baby shoes (and giving away some free ones, well sort of).

If you've got something to say about sneaking veggies into your kids food (or have a better alternative -- you know, like broccoli topped ice cream sundaes), then check this out. There are prizes to be had.

The Toxin Avengers need your help spreading the word about the toy recalls. Did you know that they've recalled bibs and Baby Einstein blocks (not just poor Dora is poisonous!)?

WTF is up with all these spam emails about e-cards? Oy.

Now back to sewing (if that's what you want to call it).

Clearly I Have No Shame

"Mommy, ENNA just called me and said we can swim in her pool tomorrow!" Bizarrely-named imaginary friend #3

"Really? Where does ENEMA live?" *snort*

"ENEMA lives behind us, Mommy!"

*haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-snort*

"She's going to visit us later!"

*cough-sputter-giggle*

"God, I hope not..." *the huz chuckles*