Motherhood Uncensored

We've Had a Good Run Guys

And so, it is time for me to bid farewell to you. I'm not sure what to say. We've had our good times, and we've had our really bad times. But through it all, you've stuck with me, and given me something to smile about. And I'm not just talking about all the gawker traffic.

It's time for us to part ways, Mr. Duck. Thanks for falling into my stroller. But I think we need to move on.

So congrats to Katie, the new owner of Danny "Stolen" Duck, some condoms, a Nexus Range, chocolate lotion and body oil, a new masthead, and two Starbucks gift cards.

We know you will give him a good home. At least you better, damnit.

And thanks to everyone who participated. We raised $197 for Catherine which allowed her to exceed her goal. (Hopefully they'll provide the puke sacks for free, my friend). You can visit her donor site (look for motherhood uncensored) to confirm that the monies did indeed make it into her donor account.

Thanks to our vibrator duck covetors:

Erin

Mrs. Chicken

Manic Mommy

Rebel Hart

Midwestern Mommy

Impostormom

Jackie

Lawyer Mama

Elizabeth

Amy

Mel

Geena

Bobita

Fishy Girl

Dana

Katie

The New Girl

Lori

Apricoco

Sharon

Sandra

Fairly Odd Mother

Kris

Christine

And for more exciting news, did you see my Cool Mom Picks co-founder and daughter-101 in the New York Times yesterday? Hot dog! 

More developments happening every day over at LMJ. Keep in mind, it's not just about boobs over there. We've got a bunch of new missions coming shortly, most of which were emailed in by concerned moms who needed some help.

And if you happen to pop over later today or tomorrow, you might just see some actual pictures of our alteregos. Well worth it.

Every Day Most Definitely Is the Same

Tonight I had great displeasure of hosting Jessica and her two little Joys for pizza, sundaes, and a Wii-Boogie smackdown. I would have invited more people, but they all heard Jessica was going to be there and knowing how incredibly boooooooooring she is, they decided to pass.

And so, I was left alone with her and our children. What a fucking nightmare.

Not only does her kid rip the shirt off Quinlan's back, but then when my daughter dancing her little butt off to "YMCA," she totally mocks her right behind her back. Okay, so it's not a "Y" -- she's 3. Cut the kid a break.

You can't see the screen, but she's obsessively counting her score from her "You're the One That I Want" Performance. Okay, you got 174,000 points which is about half of the comments for one post on your blog. Thanks for rubbing it in.

Her daughter, a little over two, could barely stand up on her own. As you can see in the picture, she had to hold her up most of the night while still obsessing over her points.

And of all the bizarre things in this world, she makes her son dress up like a dog. Don't ask. I certainly didn't.

So if you're all jealous about me living here in Atlanta, getting to hang out with some pretty cool mommy bloggers, don't be.

All they do is bring you tasty tofu salad, wash your dishes, and make you realize that playing video games is far from as lame as it sounds.

We'll be practicing our dance moves, two-part harmony, and extended play temper tantrums, Joys family.

Next time, the tofu's on me.

 

Mamas Don't Let Your Daughters Grow Up to Be Sign Holders

I know, I know. You'll love them even if you don't like what they choose to do. And you'll respect their choices as a well-informed adult.

Okay. Got it.

But don't tell me you don't dread the day your daughter comes home and decides to tell you she's Hef's 14th girlfriend.

You know you do. Admit it.

Your kid is still attached to your boob and you're already hoping and praying she doesn't decide to choose the highly rewarding job of shaking her butt on a nightly basis for some trucker named Jim-Bob with two teeth.

[Hef's 14th girlfriend ain't lookin' so bad now, huh? Particularly since he doesn't sleep with them, right? RIGHT?]

But equally as uncomfortable, at least in my opinion, are the people who stand on the street corners holding signs.

You do know what I'm talking about, don't you?

They are paid God only knows what to sit or stand holding some sign for some store in what always seems like the hottest day of the year. It makes no sense to me. Not only because it's not like they say anything interesting like "Destruction is near and Jesus is coming."

Hell, at least I could flip them off then.

But they're holding signs telling me about some 160K condos down the street from my subdivision that would do exactly the same thing if they were just stuck in the ground LIKE SIGNS SHOULD BE.

And really, the print is so damn small on those signs no one reads them. All they do, like me, is stare at the dude holding it and feel terrible that he has to hold it.

I know he's getting paid. I know there are worse things in life.

But why? Does it really guilt people into shopping for condos? Because all it makes me want to do is drive down to the sales office and yell at them for making that poor man stand out there with a FREAKING PEE JUG (I swear it had to be a pee jug. Or maybe it was a big thing of juice that he had already drank and was just holding onto because there was no trashcan or bathroom within a 3 mile radius).

At least let the man stand in a costume so he can cover his face. Give a big cow a sign and I'm buying $14 worth of fast food without even thinking about it.

But a random man with a random sign looking like he'd rather be having a chest hair wax.

Yeah. I say give Hef a call. At least he lets you piss in a toilet.

So, do sign holders make you uncomfortable? AND, what's one legal profession who hope your kid doesn't grow up to do. Don't worry, they don't read my blog...

The Case of the Thong Diaper

So I know they're making thongs for kids these days. I mean, how totally practical -- a constant wedgie. Way to make kids more pleasant and happy by sticking a some underpants up their crack.

Brilliant thinking!

Anyway, I was changing Drew the other day and he had part of his diaper up his crack. Or sort of. It wasn't a baby thong or anything, but it sort of made me think about it that way.

I thought I had just accidentally ripped the side lining of the diaper. It didn't leak and I didn't really care.

But then I went to change him again and I noticed the same problem. And, smart one that I am (only 13 diapers later), I realized I got a defunct pack of Huggies Supremes (I know. They're expensive, but they work).

Now, I'm already about 2/3 of the way through the box. And I repeat. They don't leak. But then I thought, "This is bullsh*t. My baby doesn't need a piece of diaper stuck up his butt. I already have to throw away sippie cups and teethers because they are flavored with LEAD and NOW diapers?"

But alas, I never took them back.

I sort of wish companies had sites of these instead of me having to drag my butt back to the store with a half-used box of diapers and two screaming kids and explain to some 15 year old sophomore in high school why I'm returning only half a box of diapers.

But the companies that do, I salute and support you.  It's nice to know my opinion matters to someone these days.

Because I'm pretty sure Tyffanye could care less about what I think.

So would you have returned the diapers? Do you make an effort to return stuff that doesn't work? Have you ever written to a company or shared your opinion with them and gotten a response?

Our House is a Very Very Very Fine House