Hotel Bathroom Lights Should Be Outlawed & Other Tales From The Road *Now with Shorter Nose Hairs*

*Edited below*

I made two disconcerting discoveries so far on this trip.

1. I don't like driving in a car with two children and a dog.

2. I have long nose hairs.

And honestly, I think the long nose hair revelation is worse. I mean, how shitty of a deal can women get? Push the kid out of the vagina, breastfeed until the boobs look like demented pancakces, and then long nose hairs.

I'm blaming the damn bathroom mirror with those bright flourescent lights that are the bane of every mom's existence. I thought I had done a fabulous job plucking and tweezing but low and behold, I'm a fucking hairy beast according to the LaQuinta Inn. And I have long nose hairs.

But really, what do they know? They serve microwaveable sausage sandwiches in a bag, for crissakes.

I ate 4.

So me, my long nose hairs, and two kids have made it about half way. It doesn't help that it's 4503 degrees outside. And apparently my baby doesn't like to nurse in a sling in hell-like temperatures. Thus led me to hand express milk into a sippy cup at several rest stops in Virginia.

Hellooooo Virginia. Me and my milky boob salute you.

I even tried the evil formula.

He spit it out.

(Smart kid)

(heh)

Amidst our long ass drive, we had the pleasure of meeting this lovely blogger for ice cream and this lovely blogger and his family for dinner.

Who knew Cynical Dad was a black market dealer in princess crowns.

Of course we travel with princess costumes! Don't you?

Needless to say, we're off to our final destination. Here's hoping to a speedy arrival, a son who will eat something, and nose hair trimmers.

Sunuvabitch.

--

There's nothing like Atlanta rush hour to put the cherry on top of a heinously long trip. But we're here. With no soap. And no window treatments.

Hello neighbors. My ass is happy to meet you.

Cripes. I didn't know how much I missed seeing the big yellow Waffle House signs.

Not.

The house that I had yet to have seen in person is fantastic. But let's be honest. When you live with your in-laws for almost a year, there's no room to be picky.

So I had an orgasm on the bathroom floor when I saw the his and her vanities.

We live next to a bi-racial couple with three children including one wee baby (hooray for diversity, extra hooray for diverse people who nurse!). I enjoyed a 24 oz can of Coors Light (hey, it's the South people) on my huge living room floor and enjoyed the quiet.

Ah. Quiet.

But then my kid kept waking up every four seconds to eat since he didn't like to eat in South Carolina.

So much for quiet.

So now we have to move all our shit into it. Perfect time to call "parenting duty" and head to the pool, don't you think?

Comments

[karen]

so cute in her princess outfit! my daughter thinks when she grows up she really will be a princess. when must i burst the bubble?

[Bitsy Parker]

You met Canape (M)? How excellent is that? Seems so warm and bloggy to have real life encounter. Makes the whole blogosphere seem real. Yea that you made it real.

Sorry about your nose hairs.

[the weirdgirl]

Regarding the hair...yeah, YEAH?! What's up with that?!! Fucking hormones.

I need to go eat some chocolate.

So glad to hear your trip is done and the house is orgasmic.

[BOSSY]

Kristen rocks the road trip. Congrats girlie. Philly misses you already. Wanna go bowling in North Carolina sometime?

[Alex Elliot]

Congratulations! I hate fluorescent bathroom lights. Everything is always revealed. Enjoy your vanities.

[jess]

I fucking hate my nose hairs. And they hurt like crap to pluck. Plus then? More will come. Right?

Chin hairs too. Stupid middle, youth age.

[Heather]

The thing I hate about those bright fluorescent hotel room lights? Is that they emphasize every inch of dimply cellulite on my body.

[Nichole]

Congratulations on the new house! Good luck moving in!

[joy]

know what goes well with beer? Big ass waffles. Puts hairs on your chest. And in your nose.

(congrats on making it, K. moving is a betch).

[Kelly]

We already feel a gaping hole in PA. But glad you made it to GA, safe and sound, cute kiddos and all.

[Heather]

So glad you made it!

The his/her vanity orgasm, hilarious!

[lildb]

Cold beer is a wonderful salve when there are no curtains and no sleep to be had.

I'm so happy for you about the his-n-hers vanities. It really does not get better. It doesn't.

*toasts Kristen with a quasi-silent beer can-beer can tap*

[LawyerMama]

That is the nice thing about the South. Drinking is encouraged.

My son would never friggin nurse when we traveled. And of course, I would always forget or think it would be better & not bring the damn breast pump.

[mom101]

His and hers vanities. I swoon.

[Dana]

You have a pool? When can I come visit!

[Mrs. Chicken]

You made it! Whoo hooo! It must feel so liberating to have your own space again.

Thinking good moving thoughts for you and your brood.

[MsRebecca]

You too? With the nose hair, I was not aware until one day I caught a glimpse of those babies in the sunlight.. Holy %#*%#!!It's bad enough that they demolish my brows at the salon, but my nose is my own domain,do they make Nair for nostrils???

[Lora]

I am so excited for you, the in-law-less family and your new home. My family is moving out of the in-laws house in 1 week, 6 days, and 21 hours...not that I'm counting or anything...

[brighton]

This is why our car trips involve Daddy and kids driving and Mommy flying and drinking.
Congrats to being HOME!!

[rachel]

heading to the pool is exactly how I rock my default parent status in, as luck would have it, Atlanta. Where I also live. Good luck.

[The Parents Zone]

Well she is looking beautiful...

Oh well thank you for introducing Don't Take the Repeats blog...she has this lovely post about her lovely pups...

[JamieE]

Thanks for making me look forward to the 5 hour drive with 4 kids....I personally have the chin-e-chin-chin type hairs, oh and also on the neck, and the extra thick pubic hair? What the hell is up with that? Breastfeeding, so no lube, but extra hair. I am a sexy supe-a-star!
Love the auction btw.

[Chag]

If it makes you feel better, we didn't notice any nose hairs when you were at the house. Hope you had as great of a time as we did!

[Dana]

Sorry about the nose hairs! And I hope the little man eats soon!

[Cakehead]

Haven't seen the nose hairs yet, but I've got a couple of lovely whiskers on display. Unfortunately, I'm not used to them yet so they are usually about an inch long when I finally remember to check and pluck.

[mothergoosemouse]

Mmm...they used to have those bagged sausage sandwiches in a vending machine at my short-lived job here. Not too bad, actually.

[VDog]

I just found two dark hairs on my upper lip yesterday. Motherhood is a bitch. Heh.

(Ok, ok, I know this may sound like nothing to you darker haired ladies, but it was disturbing to me! I've never had them before!)

Happy Trails!

[ali]

long nose hairs are totally HAWT!

[Jennifer]

Goddammed flourescent lights always show off every monstrous pore on my face, my desperate need for plucking, and every dimple on my ass. They should be outlawed, I say!

Sounds like, though, if long nose hairs are the worst part of the trip, things are going fairly well.

[Phoenix]

I pack my princess costume right next to my super hero suit. Important things.

Did Drew take the sippy cup? Can he be big enough to take a sippy cup? Isn't he like 2 months still? Sheesh kids grow up fast. They should come with a warning label.

Hey, do they come with a warning label? Is it next to the manuel?

[Scout's Honor]

Hotel rooms are evilfor me for highlighting every silvery stretch mark I got from my pregnancies. It seemed a mark continued after each baby where they left off on the pregnancy before.

Yep, people, who needs maps on roadtrip? I think I have a replica of the entire US intersate system on my belly.

Need local roads? Check out my innner thigh?

Need hiking trails? Definitely, check out my ass.

[Vicky]

Wish I had registered the fact that you would be driving through my area... would have had you all over for dinner and a run through my sprinkle park to cool off from the 4503 heat.

[Taste Like Crazy]

Your post officially kicked my post's ass.

[canape]

At Blogher, I trimmed my nose hair with my cuticle clippers while my roommate wasn't looking.

That is all.

(Except that you are the lovely blogger with the lovely children and I would drive a lot of places to get to share some ice cream with your kids again. And you. But your kids do rock.)

[Nadine]

I couldn't agree with you more! Hotel bathroom lights are TERRIBLE!

[sarah]

have you seen this story about the couple trying to name their baby Superman? this is quite funny but a tad ridiculous as well. check it out http://www.mypetpeeves.com/plog/index.php/ archives/2861

[jen]

i think you are my hero. nose hairs and all.

[Adios]

what happened to your other dog? Have a safe trip!