A Family

My husband does not have a way with words. This is less of a character flaw and more of poor genetics.

It's almost disease-like in that you almost can't blame him.

Almost.

"We'll need to organize around here," he said upon returning home from a four-day trip, standing in the middle of the kitchen I had just spent countless hours, um, organizing.

I scoured our disgusting moldy fridge for an entire day, only for him to tell me how great it looked after he "finished it up." This was after I heard him moving all my carefully lined up glasses to another cabinet when he thought I wasn't in listening distance "just to make it easier for me to find."

It's hard not to lash out and remind him that he won't be here to find the glasses, or that while he only got two hours of sleep the night before, his head flops down on a fancy hotel pillow -- the only sounds being the passing traffic or his trusty alarm.

Doesn't he know that I'm the one who will need to find the glasses, the pots, the pans, and the dishes that I so obsessively put in my brand new kitchen cabinets? Doesn't he remember that I'm the one awoken every few hours by a hungry, teething baby?

My daughter is no longer smitten with him upon his return every few days. She has become angry and vengeful, choosing me for stories, bedtime, and anything else he might typically do with her. His departures combined with the new house are hard on her.

"I like when we're all together," she whispered to me last night after her bedtime story. "A family."

"So do I, sweet girl." I replied.

So do I. 

Comments

[Cricket]

It is NOT where things go that is the REAL issue here. It is WHO is in control. It starts with something like kitchen cabinets, usually the womans "turf" to establish territory and DOMINENCE where ever they are, Kitchen is the battle ground for THAT reason. When a male starts to "mark" turf in traditional female areas that she doesn't WANT to defer to the male.....he is trying to establish dominence over the woman.. it ends with him erasing rights and boundries to the point you have two choices 1. admit his superiority and be his "employee" or kick him to the curb and take you "rights" back. It is a male pee on the tree to mark his turf thing........it usually isn't the "issue or thing" or who is right or wrong....it is about MALES need to "mark turf". Suggest he get a woodshop, shed, or something that is "male turf" and he can arrange THAT to his satisfaction.........this is a KNOWN boundry war......and he expects to win. THE END

[Sandi]

My husband retired five years befoe I did. He rearranged the kitchen so things were more "convenient"....I never found a lot of things until we sold our house and moved into a condo four years after I retired!

This is help?

Isn't it hard not to scream?

[MDB]

mmmm... I am a guy, having read all of this I think I can learn something. It's not exactly the same, but maybe I have done similiar things or had similiar thoughts. Don't lynch me... I will try to change.

I am collecting advice at my blog so please feel free to help me out.

[gwendomama]

suck it up for now. move everything back to the way you want it ASAHL (he leaves).

and shit woman, git on down with the organizin, wouldja?

[Jen M]

Yeah, I'm with Bossy. When my husband was in the USAF and gone A LOT, I actually grew to like the time apart. But the micromanaging of things you're in charge of? That bites.

[Ruth Dynamite]

It's infuriating, but really he's just trying to feel like a part of it all.

Pat him on the forehead and hand him the vacuum.

[brighton]

My husband knows that I would chop his dick off in a New York minute if he tried to rearrange my kitchen- my OFFICE!!
Hubby has been working 19 days straight and is just miserable to be around for the small amount of time we see him when he gets home and heads to bed.
At least he's smart enough to keep his mouth shut about my way of organizing things ; )

[TB]

Does he try to give you parenting advice too? I know it's supposed to be a partnership but if he's not there half the time...
I'm only asking because I'm going through the same thing at the moment. I blew up yesterday. It was good to get it out.

[BOSSY]

Your husband is just trying to be helpful. Helpful like a brick to the forehead.

[Kelly]

sometimes, antiquated though my thoughts may be, i just sort of see the kitchen as my domain. if I'm gonna be the one cooking and cleaning up, then I generally do it my way. I've said to my husband before, when he chides me for something sticky on the floor or a pot left in the sink, how would you like it if I came to your work, deposited two lovely but demanding children on your desk, and when you couldn't get much accomplished during the rest of your day, critiqued your lack of progress? Oh, not so much? Didn't think so.

Your irritation is totally understandable. But I like what Julie said, things will settle, things will even out. Two months ago, I was a nut, and I only moved 1/2 mile!!! You got loads on your plate, and you're trying to make it work. My hat is off to you.

[Dana]

I'm starting not to like your husband. Why does he have be so inconsiderate?

Mine used to do stupid things and say stupid things right after Dawson was born. He finally stopped when I lost my mind at him.

Not saying you should do that, but man...I don't know how you put up with that. You've got patience....something I definitely lack.d

[tys]

Whats with women and their kitchen? I have once tried to help my wife by getting up early one fateful day and cleaning the whole kitchen , the fridge and the cabinets. The look she gave me was not the warmest. I have never pulled that stunt again....iam still alive

[PunditMom]

Even though it annoys me sometimes when he says this, Mr. PunditMom's philosophy of the kitchen is, "If you're happy, I'm happy." In a way, I could slap him, but I do have my domain.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

Hugs to you. And move everything back.

[Kristen]

That's a good point, Dylan's Mom. And your therapist is spot on -- as hard as that has to be.

Honestly, we talk candidly about how hard it is for all of us when daddy is away -- mainly in that we miss him terribly. And we all look forward to when he returns. And when he does, we actually have a fantastic time.

My husband is a great dad. I just think she's dealing with him being gone in her own way. At this point in time, it's feeling angry.

And you're right. We have many happy times together. I just use this blog as a means to think things through in my head. The resolutions and discussions aren't nearly as interesting.

[Dylans mom]

I've been lurking for a while...your posts are always entertaining. But your reports of your daughter's behaviour prompted me to comment tonight. I'm a single mom with a 2 year old boy. His dad is a jerk. One thing family therapists emphasized to me was to try not to show my resentment towards him whether or not he deserved it - so that my son would still have good feelings about his dad. I don't know if this applies in your case - but is there any chance your daughter is picking up on your resentment that the huz is not around? The last thing you want to do (I think) is have him spend less and less time at home because whenever he's home, everyone's pissed at him. Although I am sure you are not telling us about the happy moments with him at home.

[Mrs. Chicken]

One thing about Mr. Chicken - he never messes with my kitchen.

But our closet? Another story entirely.

It sounds like you are all missing one another. It is hard to be a family when you are separated like that. I hope things settle into a routine for you soon.

And friend, if I ever get to go on a roadtrip, ATL is my very first stop.

xoxox

[Amy]

Put everything back where you had them. It's your kitchen.

I feel so bad for your little girl. Stress is so hard on kids.

I hope it all works out.

[Kristen]

NG -

HA. I'll just do it right in front of him.

Although I like the underwear in the bookcase idea.

But guess what? Sometimes his underwear ends up in the weirdest of places.

I don't ask, however... But I don't rearrange them either :)

[Tiffany]

You should just start rearranging his things...suddenly he comes home to find his underwear in the bookcase. Nothing like snotty behavior to force him to work on his ability with words.

[Melissa P.]

Kristen,
I think you should place things back where you had them before.
You are the one there all the time, not him.
He needs to understand that this is his decision to be gone and do this career choice.
So, things should make life easier for you and the kids, not him.
He needs to understand this and be appreciative of you raising the children, while he flies around and sleeps in nice places.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

I'm sorry, Kathryn. That's terribly hard.

We're adjusting. I think it's more of me missing him and being a little bit frustrated and lonely.

Plus, I'm okay with him being gone, but it's hard when your child misses him terribly.

[NG]

I say wait until he goes away again and then move everything back where you had it in the first place. That's not passive-aggressive, is it?

[Kathryn]

I hope I can offer you a different perspective. I was in your same exact situation a year ago. We weren't able to make things work out -- it got to the point where I thought we'd be happier without him. Now I'm working full time, downsized to a tiny apartment and see my babies one hour of the day during the week. Now I'm wondering if I could've put up with his annoying comments and long hours for the luxury of being home with my babies.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Absolutely, March. He can most certainly organize however he pleases.

It was just frustrating that I had just finished organizing it and was sort of proud that I had done so.

I give you a lot of credit with your huz being away for so long.

[March]

Please don't take it the wrong way, but don't you think your husband should decide where somethings go??
I know the pain of being alone in the house, calling all the shots, as of right now my husband has been gone for 3 1/2 mos. and it'll be at least 2 mos more before he comes back...
But once he comes back I let him rearrange a few things here and there, stuff like which shelf the towels are, where he puts his drinks in the fridge and how I keep my spoons and forks. It's really annoying, yes, but it's really insignificant compared to actually having him home.
it is his house too, even though he's gone so much, he does live here, and I want to make sure he feels this is his home, cause after all he's working for us and we did agree to him going away for so long.

I'm just saying that yes its very annoying, but you do want him to come home and feel at home, don't you??

[Phoenix]

I'm trying K, I am. But my test subjects keep getting dumber, not smarter. I don't know, it's a flaw....when I get a good result, I'll let you know.

[JillR]

What would happen if you put it back the way you had it? Other than piss you off royally, I mean.

[Manic Mommy]

I am the anal one in my family - and the one home all the time.
After five years in this house, my husband *still* doesn't know where many things reside. And truthfully doesn't care. He asks and I don't get aggravated (most of the time) that he doesn't know.

Kristen, sorry you're frustrated.

[Hyphen Mama]

I see now why my DH gets annoyed with me. I am the "controlling, must have everything my own way, where I want it" person in my house. I'd probably even tell somebody if they were using the wrong spatula. ha ha--just kidding!

But Please, Please, PLEASE tell us that you *calmy* told the Huz that the glasses, pots, pans, silverware, dishrags, egg spatula, coasters...EVERYTHING was exactly where the adult person who is home 100% of the time, needs them to be. And that's where he will continue to find them until he is the at-home-parent.

No anger...just facts.

[Kristen]

I love the idea of upgradable chips, Phoenix.

You need to invent them and I'll pimp them out here.

[Phoenix]

Don't you sometimes wish they came with upgradable chips, like computers do?

That Q, she's awesome. I just adore her.

To Melissa: Why would you come and tell someone they are horrible? On their blog? What does that make you? If you don't like it, please hit the little red X. Kristen has enough to worry about without having to scan her comments for tards.

[Jenine]

I feel for you. My husband is working 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. He clearly thinks that the day he has off is HIS. Men totally have no concept that when they work long hours, their spouses do too. I'm with my kids 24/7 and deal with them from the break of dawn until well after dark with no break (not even naps) all day. Where's MY day off, I wonder!

I can't help to think that at least your husband will know where the glasses are. We've lived in our apt for 8 months now and my husband claims that he doesn't know where anything is in the kitchen. That's his excuse for not getting anything out or putting anything away. Men.

[becky]

hmmm, i think even my hubby, who's around all the time, knows better than to rearrange the kitchen cabinets. even though he does as much cooking as i do.

[Cindi]

Kristen,

I've been reading for about a year and am often very moved by your posts. I have only commented once....and on Crocs at that! LOL

Anyway, I'm sorry you have to feel like this. I was a single mom for 6 plus years, so I can relate to having to do it all yourself.

Did you say anything to him about this? Maybe it would help if you shared with him how frustrated you are. Maybe it won't. But at least you won't have that pent up anger and frustration inside.

*hugs*

[Mommy Babble]

It's tough when all you get are fleeting glimpses of him. (((HUGS))) At least in some misguided way he's trying.

[Erika]

Oh, and how difficult is it exactly to 'find' glasses???? Do you have a zillion cupboards that shuffle themselves around in the night into configurations known only to you? Are your glasses likely to pretend to be, say, plates???????

Nope. still don't get it.

[mothergoosemouse]

You guys are doing everything you can to establish a stable new home. Even the huz, misguided as his attempts may be.

Soon you'll be a family all together, happy in your new home.

[Erika]

Ack.

True story from this *ahem* happy family:

I'd been cooking all day Saturday, apart from a brief break when I took the kids to the library.Come dinnertime I'm standing at the stove stirring the pasta sauce (MADE FROM SCRATCH including peeling the frickin' tomatoes) when husband comes up next to me, GRABS the wooden spoon, tastes the food and says.....'hmmmmm not bad'

Charlie says 'Daddy, put that spoon DOWN. You are not the cook. Mummy is the cook.'

ahhhhhhhh

All that to say, sorry that you're dealing with an (occasional?) asshat...your daughter is so right though.

[Christina]

It's tough when you have to mentally decide if they have an equal share in the set-up of the house when they're not home most of the time. And it's tough to fend off stupid-ass comments, too. But being home as a family does help to erase some of that resentment.

The kitchen cabinets, however, should totally be your call. Let him decide where to put the sofa.

[Melissa]

My husband likes to stand over me when I cook and clean and ask, "Are you sure you are doing that right?"

[LawyerMama]

Rearranging your cabinets is an ass kickable offense!

[nikoline]

I love the words exchanged between you and your daughter. it makes such a difference to be able to state a feeling and receive validation.

[Heather]

Oh ouch.

A man rearranging kitchen cabinets...that's just crazy. Insane. You should have him evaluated.

[Oh, The Joys]

K,
It sounds hard.

If it counts for anything, I totally vote that you get to arrange the kitchen cabinets.

Best,
OTJ

[Joel]

Wow. I guess this confirms what I've suspected for years. The sexiest thing a guy can go is to clean the kitchen and take out the trash.

[Cheryl]

My husband pulled a similar prank a couple weeks ago. I collapsed exhausted into our bed for a nap one Saturday (six months pregnant). He had just walked around the house looking for something. I griped about how tired I was from cleaning the house all morning. He had the nerve to ask me with incredulity in his voice, "Really? Where did you clean?" Sonuvabitch. He didn't notice that we could actually see the living room floor now and the couch wasn't piled with laundry. Grrr.

[Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You]

I hate it when they (meaning the males of our lives) think that they are the center of the universe. Truly - they forget that we're the ones spending 90% of our LIVES with these children, in these houses/apartments with only our computers and our children as companions. It pisses me off frequently, not of my choices, but of the lack of support/empathy/understanding by my mate - and if I could have just ONE wish, I'd wish for him to just
finally GET it.