Motherhood Uncensored

Oh The Things Our Children Say

"Oy" says my daughter as she's trying to open her chest of drawers. Maybe there is actually something to this.

"Very mysterious" she tells me, upon seeing the dust pan and broom in action. Thanks Backyardigans (and my lack of domestic ability)!

What are the funny things your kids say?

Personality or Practice?

My daughter was a decidedly difficult baby. She came out with a very serious look on her face and it hasn't left her since. She was terribly attached to me, offering nothing but the loudest shrieks when anyone tried to hold her. She would even pull away her tiny 6-month old hand when people would try to grab it.

She's moody as all hell with a mouth to go with it. In fact, yesterday, she replied "I want to sit here, Silly" after I asked her to move away from the stove. My reprimand was met with "I was mad at you mommy because I wanted to sit there."

Did I mention she's not even three yet?

And while she has her happy moments and is extremely sensitive (almost to a fault) to the needs and feelings of others, I'd never characterize her as laidback.

Don't get me wrong. I love every inch of her little being.

Since adding another child to the mix, I've realized even more so than before how incredibly pissy she was -- pissy being a loving and endearing quality, of course. And everyone else has as well. I know it's hard for her when everyone dotes on how jolly and terribly cute her little brother is. But really, I think they're just in shock because my son is the complete opposite. He could care less who is holding him, so long as it's a person. He'll smile at the nastiest old man at the grocery store, or a little child coming up to say hello. He giggles almost daily, mostly by his sister's prompting, and his smile is almost constant.

My husband and I find it quite entertaining, mainly because we had to do a pretty hefty song and dance number to even get half a smile out of my daughter. She'd give you this look like "I've seen better than that" and go on her merry way, building large block towers at 12 months old, drawing complete faces with a tripod grip on her pen at 18 months old, and reminding me that her imaginary friends Kinsa and Rosha are currently at school so they can't come over and play today.

Duh.

The difference? Other than genetics, dna, and whatever else scientific that you can calculate is that I wear him almost constantly. And considering he's officially 20lbs and 28 inches at a mere 5 months, that's no small feat.

My daughter was a bouncy seat/stroller kind of gal -- mainly because that's all I could figure out with my new mom brain and limited resources. And so I bounced, jiggled, and strolled her to sleep more than I care to remember. 

But Drew nurses and naps in the sling. He sleeps next to me every night. I'm not a huge proponent of the Attachment Method of Parenting; I just do it because he sleeps well and eats well, and life is good.

Well except that I'm fucking sick of holding him in the sling and bouncing on a huge exercise ball at least 3 times a day. And the cries from my daughter to "Put that baby down, mama" don't help.

Oh, and that he's GIGANTIC. Massive, really.

So, while I research other options for his daytime sleeping and nursing, I wonder if it's just his personality or if it's because I've worn him and slept next to him for 5 straight months.

I suppose I'll never know. 

But damn if the boob sucking and sleeping companionship would have the same effect on my husband.

Now that would be golden.

Feed Me Seymour!

So, I know. Don't rush things, right? I mean, the breastfeeding poops smell like chocolate cake and skittles (yeah right) and eating is so neat and clean right now *she says wearing her ridiculously milk stained bra sleeping in her ridiculously milk-stained sheets*. And considering he's such an easy nurser and just loves to relax and eat without me having to lay down on my side with my feet in a specific position and the planets aligned (okay, so not the feet and the planets -- but seriously, it's HARD to nurse laying on your side at PF Changs).

HEH. You get my drift.

If I'm not home during the day, he doesn't really eat very much.

And so, I just wonder. Is it time for a little food?

He's sitting up extremely well, and he's grabbing at everything that passes by his face. Of course, that includes ice cream, water, and my computer.

According to my fabulous pediatrician, the one who guilted me a for a good 20 minutes about not giving my son all 2,401 shots at his 4 month visit, he doesn't need food yet since he's clearly doing well with breastmilk. (Clearly would be his 20lb 28 inch frame). But then, I hear big babies might like a little food to nibble on.

Let's be clear. I don't want to clean up food messes NOR do I want to deal with diaper stank. But I don't want to starve my kid (I know he won't technically starve people). My daughter was not ready until about 7-8 months and so I happily waited to feed her. But this kid seems ready. I think.

So, what do you think? When did you start your kid on food?

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Tonight I'll be interviewing blogger Vicky as well as the couple and psychologists behind eHarmony's new program for married couples -- eHarmony Marriage. We're talking about what happens to your marriage after the kids arrive. I'm still trying to figure out what the heck happened to mine.

You can listen via iTunes or live here. Feel free to leave me questions or comments, or call in live! (646) 915-8634 (9-10pm EST).

You Already Know What's Under My Sk*rt. Why Not Worry About Something Else?

Hey Y'all --

Ah've been trahing tew get all this like craziness about my underpants or no underpants and I jest don't get it. Ah mean. Jest becuz I like tew go without my panties or with little panties doesn't mean I'm a ho. Ah'm a ho for like so many other reasons. Um, hello!

Don't yew thank there's more important stuff to thank about. Like wars, presidents, or jellies -- omg like how fuckin' cute are these? Now I don't know anythang about wars (except trying to get them underpants over my jeans in that Slave For You video -- damn that was hard) or Presidents. Hell, I think an Obama is what little JJ does in his diaper. And John McCain sang that song "I'll Be" right? And Rudy is that short dude who played football in college.

Dayamn that is such a good movie. Like I totally cry every time I see it!

I know I went a little nuts and all with mah hair. But really, thems were jest hair extensions. I haven't had real hair in like 5 years. Duh. Like who has real hair these days?

Anyways, I thank that if yew had cameras on yew all the time yew'd get crotch shots too. Okay. Like maybe yew don't wear short skirts and all but if yew did then yeah. I mean, it's hard gettin' out of the car while tryin' to keep a wig on.

And it's kind of embarrisin' that yew know what color underpants I'm wearin' but yew couldn't even tell me what the president wanna-be people care about or at least what color their underpants are. Or like if they even wear underpants. Yeah. I mean. They're going to rule our country and all yew care about is who's going to win American Idol and shiyit (omg melinda got so robbed dude).

So, why don't yew leave me and my fucking skirt and business alone and worry about something else? Seems like yew already know I'm a freaking rich rock star with incredibly bad taste in men and clothes.

Sort of like Hillary. Hey. Maybe I do know something about politics! Dang y'all!

The end. Peace out, y'all. Kisses.

Britney :P

(Sweet picture of mah gold bag and hot mani via Mamapop)

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So what are you hiding under your sk*rt? Tell us. 

The Things We Do to Get Our Kids to Sleep

Okay. So where do we stand with 20lb baby in sling all day snoozing his big thunder thighs off?

Well. We don't stand at all because my back freaking kills!

But if we did stand, it would be in that place that's called "This must freaking end now or I will look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame."

Seriously, folks. Did I do this to myself? It's okay. I can take it. With my daughter, I swear I tried to get her to sleep in something. And she did. A bouncing, rocking chair with my boob in her mouth. (heh). But really, she was IMPOSSIBLE.

And this time around, I swore that I would do it differently. But then, he didn't really like laying on his back. And I didn't have the time or patience to futz around with him because I had the other one that sucked all my patience and futzing. And so, I give you my current situation:

Sling Baby Who Only Nurses While Side Lying on the Bed Which is a Bitch in Public But Prefers the Sling With me Bouncing on the Ball

I had a long talk with this lovely lady who shared her fabulous tips (milky blanket? Amby bed?). And I've since started ONLY nursing him on the bed and he falls asleep and stays there ASLEEP if I leave the sling (now his security blanket) near him.

But that takes a long time. A long time in which my lovely precious three-year-old is bound to create tupperware castles in my in-laws' kitchen.

And so. I would like to know. What do YOU do to get your kid to sleep?