Never Say Never

I held her daily in my arms. Sometimes tighter than others. Too many nights it was just us, alone in the dark, rocking to the sound of my tired frazzled voice. I learned to sleep in my rocking chair, occupying myself by nail biting and writing stories in my head.

We awoke in what was a pungent mix of tears and breastmilk -- the smell of a determined mother.

I cried alone and with her, walking the circles of her round rug, peeking in enviously at my husband and staring longingly at the crib.

And I begged her to sleep. Every single night.

The ritual became a fixture in my existence -- the constant struggle was my routine and my sacrifice of time, energy, and sore arms was my penance.

But now we sleep alone, in our beds. I tuck her hair behind her ear, read her stories, and sing her our lullaby, when she lets me. She calls for her daddy in the middle of the night -- I've become her second choice. And even though she still fits into my lap, there's not as much room left in my arms with her little brother taking up residence. 

And damned if I miss every smell, every tear, and every one of those moments.

I never thought I'd say that.

But like everything else in motherhood, you can never say never.

Comments

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[gina b]

This post touched me. I just had this thought recently, too. I miss rocking my little screamer and my independent girl cried for Daddy just last night. Ouch. The changes hurt. We want them to grow, and we don't at the same time...

[Briana]

Really beautiful post. I also peeked in longingly to my husband while he slept, fighting my desire to wake him up so he'd suffer alongside me and keep me company. But I didn't. Those nights were mine. And I miss them. Isn't that strange how time heals the pain and singles out the beauty of those memories?

[Lene]

I am so with you on this one. I remember the days where I wanted to sleep because he just wanted to be held and now he does everything he can to get OUT of my arms. So bittersweet

[TB]

I can't tell you how much I hope that's true for me and my little baby who does not sleep.
Thanks for the beautiful reminder that all things pass and that I should pay attention instead of wishing it away.

[Vicky]

I felt like I could have written that post. I just couldn't have written it as beautifully. I love your blog.

[AMM]

God, this is so beautifully written that it ALMOST makes me wish my kids weren't decent sleepers since they were around two months. That being said, I totally understand yearning for their infanthood/babyhood. Not sure why, but I already miss the early stages and my kids are only three and seven months.

[Lady M]

Never say never indeed! I feel the same way about so many things. That was a lovely post.

[motherofbun]

YOu are right. So very, very right. But I would have never beleived it until it happened to me.

[Dawn]

Beautiful post, Kristen -and I'm right there with ya. My little girl... not so little anymore. She slept with me for the first 2+ years, and now I miss those nights sometimes, even though i couldn't wait to get her out of my bed. Ugh.

[The New Girl's Little Sister]

Great post. Even though little guy is only 10 months old I ALREADY miss the days when he was so little and grub-like. I watch him now as he's learning to communicate and move more freely in the world, and I have this keen awareness that he needs me just a little bit less each day and, well, that's bittersweet.

[Mom101]

Oh, K - beautiful.

[Sandi]

You will always have those memories, and if someday, you are lucky enough that she has a baby, you can recapture those nights while babysitting a grandchild. I love snuggling with mine when they spend the night with me. It brings back sweet memories of times when I was in the rocker, most of the night...thinking I would never sleep again for an entire night.

[fidget]

this is how Mira and I are

so many sleepless nights but now i'm her second choice :/

one day she'll be all grown up and i'll be lucky to come in third

[Damselfly]

Really? I can't imagine missing this sleep deprivation. Zzzz...

[BOSSY]

Bossy says 'never'. But later she never admits that she did.

[Christina]

So true. While I remember feeling miserable during those long night feedings and constant rocking, I now miss that feeling of her little head on my shoulder, body heavy against me, as she finally, slowly, drifted off to sleep.

It's hard to appreciate it in the heat of the moment, but oh how you can miss those moments once they've passed.

[Mrs. Chicky]

Very true. Ain't that a bitch?

[Arkie Mama]

Well said.

And so true. My memories (despite the utter exhaustion) remain vivid, but now that time seems so very far away.

[PunditMom]

This was beautiful. There are still some mornings when PunditGirl will come and snuggle briefly in bed with me before the morning routine starts. I'm glad she still does, but it's sad to remember she used to do it every morning, unfailing in her devotion. At 7, there are too many other things in her head.

[Issa]

Thanks so much for this sweet inspiration.

[Hyphen Mama]

Thank you for so eloquently saying what we've all felt. I used to resent that my husband wasn't in the thick of the nightly feedings, sleepless nights and walking the floor along with me. But now I treasure those memories as only mine--the Mommy Memories.

My midwife told me once "You'll love every stage of your children's lives." I hope this continues to be true into the teenage years.

[Kelly]

Lovely, Kristen. It's hard to believe I sometimes pine for those midnight hours as well, feeding Hannah and then walking her around in my drowsiness. The changes she's had to make, to make room for her sister, are tremendous. And even with Lillian, who put me through so much more...

They go through so much. But they're also resilient little buggers, who will be all the better people for their siblings.

[So-Called Supermom]

I miss those days too. I miss rocking her, looking into her eyes during feedings as if no one else existed, and those little fingers wrapped around mine. Oh I miss that tiny little baby.

But I am learning that this fiesty toddler I now have is pretty darn cool too!

[Smiling Mom]

I know the feeling. My son now only wants daddy for everything, even when he gets hurt. There's that part of me that aches and feels like, What? I birthed you, nursed you, am up whenever you cry. Why can't I have that special cuddle time?

[*pixie*]

This is beautiful.

[the new girl]

Are you saying this to give me hope?

It might work.

[Paige]

What a touching post! I find it hard to believe that one day soon I'll miss the sleepless nights, but I know time is just going to fly by and leave me in the dust with the memory of my cute, sweet little muffin.

I also worry about how having a sibling will effect her.

[dana]

I remember the sleepless nights, the struggle with nursing that I thought I'd never win. And I remember how angry I was that my husband could sleep all night -- and yet, I felt like I was the only one able to get the baby to sleep. I began sleeping on the couch, with Dawson on my chest and to this day, I prefer the couch over the bed.

It's completely strange. But I suppose it reminds me of the challenge I overcame.

I too, miss those days. Each time Dawson hugs me, I remember the early days with him.

[Binkytown]

So true. I find even this morning after my boy drove me insane all weekend, I'm at work now and I miss him like CRAZY. It goes so fast.

[Heather]

Very sweet post!

You truly can never say never when you're a mom.

[Mama K]

Sweet post.
I can definitely relate to the emotion as my son was one of those "high-needs" babies too. But I must have amnesia 'cause I've been thinking that I want another one now. yikes. Never thought I'd say THAT.

[Csara]

that was so sweet...and kinda sad b/c I can totally relate. My son was one of those non-sleepers that had to be held at all times. Even now he will not sleep unless he is in my bed....even when I'm not there. My husband and I are trying for #2 and I always wonder how my little man will handle the sharing of mommy's arms and love. Of course my number one thought is how the hell do I get him out of my bed?!?!?! LOL

[JessicaB]

Okay, today I am not quite hormonally capable of handling this without some tears. I have been thinking alot about the changes that are going to take place in my daughters life in the next couple of weeks and it makes me sad. I worry about the changes.