Guilty As Charged

There's nothing like religion and motherhood to make even the most innocent person feel totally guilty. Coincidence? I wonder.

That's why I decided to stop attending church during college. The rules of my religion said "no sex before marriage" and that just wasn't for me.

And I didn't want to feel guilty.

Then when my kids came along, there was always a "right way" to do things. The books try to tell you there isn't -- they try to give us options, but we all know the pressure to be "right" when it comes to mothering.

If you can't breastfeed your kids, you're doing them a disservice by compromising their immune system and not giving them the "best" start. If you put your kid down, then you're not attaching yourself to them. And if you pick them up all the time, then you're spoiling them. If you use a leash then you're cruel and lazy, and if you don't and your kids run around like lunatics, you're not a responsible mother. If you are a stay-at-home-mom, then you're taking a step back for feminism. And if you're a work-out-of-home-mom, you're allowing someone else to raise raise your kids.

We read studies, articles, and books (oh those books) that tell us the way it should work. But that's only if you have that type of kid. And even then, it just might not work because you might not be that type of parent even if they are that type of kid. And in our confusion, frustration, and sleep deprivation, we can't separate out what's right and what's right for us.

There's too many variables for there to be one "right." My right, isn't your right, right? So why am I being held to YOUR standard?

Why do we hold ourselves to other peoples' standards? And why do people hold us their standards?

That's why drives our guilt, isn't it? If we were all just able to find our own right and live it with full abandon and disregard for what "so-and-so" says we should be doing, wouldn't we all be just a bit happier?

And they wonder why we're all running around in sweatsuits, pony tails, and mismatched socks.

I'm talking about this tonight with Jodi, who happily enjoys working part-time (and feels not one bit of guilt about it), but does feel guilty about not breastfeeding her son. And joining us later will be Devra Renner and Aviva Pflock (the best last name ever!), authors of Mommy Guilt: Learn to Worry Less, Focus on What Matters Most, and Raise Happier Children. We'll be discussing how to take our guilt by the reins and channel it into something good. Like hot sex.

You can listen live from 9-10pm EST and feel free to call in (646) 915-8634, leave a comment here, or drop me an email -- especially if you've got a question or comment for the guests. And make sure to subscribe to my feed and listen via iTunes so you won't miss anything!

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Speaking of podcasts, you can hear a cool, fancy, and edited masterpiece of an interview (not me, really, just my interviewer) with Crankmama. It's fun being on the "other" side of the mic.

Comments

[gwendomama]

reagarding the harness thingie??

spoken just like a mama with one little, well behaved GIRL. (and a baby boy who cannot yet PROPEL himself anywhere)

when your child thinks it is HILARIOUS to run into a street, and their limited 18 mos on this earth makes it a bit difficult to REASON with them, and you have already buried one child from a stupid illness like bronchitis....well, ms. judgypants, you would choose the best way to keep your child alive at the end of the day.
you go, harness mommy. i am about 1 month away from joining you.

[CG]

I just recently found your podcast and blog. This show was so liberating to me as a new mom. I'm already growing tired of other people comparing my five month old son to their kid or grandchild. I'm thinking "So what?" will become a new favorite saying of mine. I guess I just had to hear from someone else that it's okay to do it MY way without needing to justify every move I make.

Great job!!

[Fuzzy]

I wonder if there is a way to medically transplant the "worry free" gene from our male counterparts? Maybe they worry about their parenting skills but express it less, if at all.
Maybe I need to turn off both sides of my brain and think with my peni, er, clitoris? Yeah, that's it...that's how they do it. No wonder it's all about sex.

Great blog-cast tonight and I loved the part about the car sex. See, we can even compromise with our children and do something guilt-free. They just have to be asleep!

[Mom101]

Great topic. YOu've got to wonder why some of those things are even considered "standards" at all, instead of choices or options or "things ya do."

I'm dying to know how this ends up being about sex. But knowing you, you'll get it there perfectly logically.

[Shauna]

Well said!

[Mindy]

I was young and single when I had my son, so you can bet I was considered inept. It is amazing that he's become a smart and loving 6-yr-old in the midst of all my singleness. :)

For what it is worth, I stopped reading most of the "parenting" books after "What to Expect When Your Expecting" scared the bejeesus out of me. I sat back and realized that people have been doing this since the beginning of time, and there is some real value to be placed on basic human/parental instincts. Not to belittle the various studies, etc. that have been done on parenting, but people also need to have some confidence in their own decisions as parents.

[Christina]

Yep, yep, and yep. It's crazy how much guilt is thrown on moms. If our kids turn out wrong in any way, it's always our fault - we clearly did something wrong to make them the way they are. Either we were too strict, too lazy, loved them too much, or didn't eat enough vegetables while pregnant.

The longer I'm a mom, the more firmly I'm in the "do what works best for you" camp.

[Dawn]

I think I'm the queen of mom guilt... so I'm going to try to tune in!

[Jennifer]

You are so right! Most of us a great parents, without the books and advice.

Great post, Kristen, as always!

[loneyworker]

hi, ireally like ur blog,i think that no one should tell u how to raise or treat ur kids. i dont think there is a right or wrong way. and i read your other blog from the book Never Threaten to eat ur co-workers, the High Five. i really lied that one also. im reading the book for my english class, and i wondered if you could please write back to my blog. thanks

[Miss]

Wow... this makes my head spin. There is so much we do as mothers that can be judged, either in a good way or a bad way. I have taken to the thought of not giving a damn what other people think, as long as my kid isnt bleeding or unconcious, I think I'm doing ok. Plus he brings home super reader stickers from school most days so that makes me feel good too. ;-)

[BOSSY]

The only thing Bossy is guilty about is never feeling guilty.

[Suburban Oblivion]

I have started listening to the podcasts lately, so I'm sure this one will be good.

Btw, I just finally tossed most of my parenting books yesturday. I figure if in almost 9 years of parenting I haven't gotten some idea of what I'm doing, there's just no hope.

[BFF]

great post.
great topic.
great guests.

If it's true that through some crazy alchemy, you're turning guilt into hot sex? Look out.

I hear all the other 'Recovering Catholics' shuffling up behind me.