The Battle of the Boobs

I have quite a proud left breast. She generally rests quite comfortably in my cotton tagless underwire bra, filling out an entire C-cup with an almost smug perkiness. She never needed tissues, cotton, or a chicken cutlet. And if there was a boob to make any eyes turn, it was old lefty.

I remember the days when she was quite popular. Maybe it's because I dated all right-handed guys. But left boob always got a lot of loving.

So when I breastfed my daughter, I wasn't surprised when lefty became the "go-to" boob. "Old Faithful," I'd call her -- for more reasons than one. No need for manna from the heavens or the dividing of the fish and loaves among the masses. All Jesus would have needed was my one left boob. And none of his "Son of God" powers. That one boob could have sustained every single person.

And with good old left boob there was no need to use an intercom or walkie-talkie. Just give her a squeeze and she'd hit anyone square in the head from a good 200 feet.

My daughter would cough and sputter every time she latched on, but eventually, we both got used to the spray. I'd make sure to grab an extra pile of cloths and a bucket. She'd remember to turn her head away. And it was like magic.

But my son hasn't taken to lefty. I can't be sure why -- maybe it's because she's all used up. Or maybe he can sense her arrogance. And so, he refuses to eat from her. Backwards, upside down, any which way you put it, he doesn't want anything to do with her.

And all of a sudden, righty is perking up. Hooray for the underdog, left to fend for herself under mounds of padding. From his mouth to my right boob, a comeback is being made. And lefty is left to the breast pump -- hard suctioned plastic and ziploc bag. He'll only take her at night time or in the sling, when he can't tell the difference between her and any other boob that might pass by his nose. But even then when she starts to rear up and fire, he turns his nose down (probably so he doesn't get milk in it).

I sort of feel bad for old lefty. But her revenge is sweet because almost everyday I walk around with lovely milkstains halfway down my shirt. And I'm more lopsided than ever. Except now instead of holding her nose high in the air, it's slowly starting to point downward.

Bitch.

Comments

[Believer in Balance]

Awesome post and so timely for me! My left boob is my "go to boob." It was for my first two girls and is now for my third girl. So naturally it's bigger than my right (and does cause my baby to gag and sputter. I can't help but think that I'm training her for funnels in college.) Anyway, I had to break down and order a nursing bra off the internet because I wanted one seamless (like the lumpy breast pads aren't enough, I need a freakin' seam cut across my boobs for that oh so sexy look.) Anyway, it fits my right boob, but not my left! Lefty is bulging out! I felt like I was in Sophie's Choice. Which boob do I choose to have the bra fit? I have to say I chose righty. Not only because I couldn't be bothered returning it, but because now lefty gets the attention she deserves, hanging out in all her glory!

[heather]

OMG you are cracking me up!! I too had good producers, everyone in the family calling me elsie or the milk factory. My first, my son, would take to the right boob for some reason then he didnt do well at all and got breastmilk in the bottle. My daughter, second & last baby, god love her she was awesome at breastfeeding! You just reminded me so much of what I just went through and I loved it...you are a hoot! I just weaned her last month, she is 7 months old now...I am still sad about it but at the same time I am glad to have my body back, is that so wrong?

[TB]

I've been formulating a post about how my left is an overachiever. She's at least half a cup size bigger than righty and thus far it is only she who is leaking colostrum, so I have a feeling I'll be in the same boat, er bra... soon.

[joy]

ha! you are in proud form, K! (heh!) killing myself over here....:)

[Suburban Turmoil]

My baby definitely prefers lefty- The last one loved it, too. What's up with that?

[shauna]

Absolutely love your blog! You're my kinda mommy...

[mothergoosemouse]

I'm reminded of the Rocky Horror Picture Show when Frank turns Columbia to stone and the audience yells "BLT - Big Left Tit!"

[Dawn]

LOL My left has a major letdown too - baby boy always winds up choking, every *single *time. I think it's really weird LOL

[karyn]

Baby A. loved Lefty.
Baby B. loved Righty.

Mummy hates them both now because they used to be pretty and could reliably attract men and get favours done, whereas now they need to be rolled up and tucked into their advanced engineering designed synthetic fabric and steel containers.

Still. Good cleavage though.

[cce]

I could use both breasts as walkie talkies when I was breast feeding. Could've kept the neighborhood in milk for coffee, cereal, sponge cake, whatever.
Now they're both sad and used up, mere shadows of the things they used to be.

[Briana]

This is just the post I needed. After nursing my now 21 month old son, it's been hard to adjust to post-nursing breasts. I'm so glad I'm not the only woman who deeply mourns her pre-baby boobs!
And good luck to 'ol Righty.

[Cathy]

My Lefty:

Bigger.
Better milk-producer.
Favorite of both off-spring.
Saggier.

Sigh.

[pascale]

SOOOO funny! And so true for me. Had the same problem. Leftie is still bigger but when bigger means barely a B cup I guess everything is relative... My son loved gagging on my leftie and my daughter snubbed her nose and refused to be drowned, just like your son. hilarious. Oh the not-so-distant memories of just last year! Thanks for the hearty laugh! :)

[FENICLE]

The POWER of GRAVITY!!!!!!!!

[Woman with Kids]

Ahhh... breastfeeding boobs. I remember those. Those were after perky boobs but before these deflated boobs.

[Caro]

My right is smaller than my left, too. I was always told that breastfeeding would eventually help even them out. Apparently I was lied to. Drat!

*grumbles at her D-cup and C-cup*

[Mom101]

Righty tighty, lefty loosy?

[Damselfly]

We can feed the crowds....

My lefty seems to have the better milk supply, but righty has the better nipple. So they each have something going for them. As if you really wanted to know....

[Jessica]

I am so glad I am normal. Normally one is slightly larger than the other but right now in pregnancy my left is noticeably larger than my right. I have been stuffing in some shirts to hide the difference. I hope this doesn't mean that even after nursing I am going to have a drastic difference.

[Kelly]

My second born wanted nothing to do with my right breast, which is naturally smaller than the left but was, for some reason, prone to oversupply. She couldn't handle the letdown, so we'd lie down. It was no wonder that my 3 bouts of mastitis happened on the right side.

I think after putting in all the hard work of breastfeeding, we should be rewarded with perky breasts, not smaller saggy ones. Patently unfair, I say!!

[Mrs. Chicky]

snort

Oh how the mighty have fallen. Poor Lefty, I'm sure you'll have your time in the sun again.

[BOSSY]

Bossy's boobs are equally nappy. As in tired! Phew!

[Jen M.]

OMG too great. I'll take the t-shirt, too. Ironically, as a girl, I always thought my left boob would never grow. It was inverted and grew slower than the right. I think I read Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret one too many times and focused on the left one a little too much. Now, I need to stuff my right to even things out. Sigh.

[lara]

oh, lefty - i pine for you. your glory days are over. life can be so unfair sometimes, huh?

[Kendra Dahlstrom]

I cannot believe there is someone else with a Larger Left C-cup breast out there. Although my right breast is not COMPLETELY smaller than my left, if you look closely you can tell. I too had a much easier time breast feeding my daughter with my left breast. Seriously It seemed like it was fuller than my right and the nipple was NEVER sore. My right breast, however, had an open sore on the nipple and never seemed to satisfy her. Hopefully with this next baby I will have better luck with my underdog boob!

[Linda]

My kids were like that too! My daughter only nursed on the left...I had OBB syndrome (One Big Boob) since righty just dried right up. She nursed for 3 months on the left only.

My son only wanted the righty...but we developed a bad case of thrush with bleeding and severe pain, so he was relegated to old lefty...and didn't want her. She dried up, righty couldn't deal with the pain, and thus the bottle came to play. sigh.

[Cori]

Maybe just maybe he's left handed?

[lori]

LOL!!!

[Jill]

And the worst of it is that they may never be balanced again. They should make bras that are a C cup on one side and a B cup on the other (and all sorts of post-breastfeeding combinations).

[Overwhelmed!]

Go righty! :)

[Mom101]

This all makes me want to get you an adaptation of those left-handed people tees: Only left-boobed breastfeeders are in their right minds.

I am rooting for righty!