Motherhood is a Lonely Business

I've been fortunate to not yet have too many frustrating mid-night crises with my son. Of course now that I write this, all hell will surely break loose. But for the most part, he just doesn't like to sleep during the day. Lucky me, right? But at night, he does fairly well. And when he wakes up, I just roll over, stick a boob in his mouth, and fall right back asleep.

But last night he didn't want to go back to sleep. We laid there together, me tapping, shushing, and then rocking him. It was dark and quiet, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt utterly alone. Not because I wasn't with anyone -- even my little baby makes for constant company, but moreso in the way of empathy.

I'm immediately surrounded by folks who have no empathy for early motherhood.

My mother-in-law held my son for 20 minutes the other day while he screamed his head off. I was trying to take a little nap but well, you know how well screaming baby and mother napping go. Turns out he had poop in his diaper, but no one, not even my mother-in-law (who had kids) thought to check it.

And even my own mother reminded me not to use being post-partum as an excuse for feeling down, anxious, and frustrated on any given moment. "Maybe you should go get help" she told me.

Yes. I could use HELP. I think that's the point, isn't it?

My husband has been extremely helpful with my daughter and allows me to struggle it out with my son almost every minute of the day. And while I appreciate him taking care of her and the life lessons I'm supposed to learn by trying 14 different ways to get him to go to sleep, it would be nice for someone to think of me. You know -- "How are you doing? Can I hold the baby while you rest? Is there anything I can get for you?"

But no. It's me thinking of me. And when you have the job of thinking of everyone else, thinking of yourself doesn't often happen. Except in the quiet, dark night when you stand alone, crying and rocking your child to sleep.

One plus baby is a very lonely number.

Comments

[Amanda]

This post is dead-on. "Alone time" for me now ALWAYS includes the baby. There really is no me time anymore. Genoa is ten months old and my husband still isn't able (or willing, whichever) to take both kids out of the house at the same time.

It's hard.

[Sarah]

Hey girl I have a news flash for ya........IT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE! Sorry for that, I just want to let you know you need to be more aggressive in your approach. No man will offer you help unless you ask for it. I've learned the hard way. We are the stronger of the species and men assume that we don't need help. Especially personalities such as yourself that are very strong and independent. So if you want something you have to think about yourself and just tell it like it is (which you do most of the time) but I mean plan a day out to lunch and just say "I need this and this is what I'm gonna do" Come over here, I'll hang with your kids and you can sleep all day......that's what friends are for. Which leads to another subject....why are friends more able and willing to help another friend than a family member? At least that's the case in my family.

[Amy]

Tears of frustration here for you. It all came flooding back. Hopefully you can use the knowledge that those exact feelings are a distant memory for me to make it through.

[b]

Girlfriend, you nailed it.

[Damselfly]

I remember those days. I'd say to my husband, "Nobody cares," and he'd just be insulted. To me, the what made these feelings worse was that everyone wanted to hold and ogle my baby, but I was the one doing all the work!

[Amanda]

I wish I had something to add... some kind of encouragement. All I can think is try your best to be positive - maybe go along with it when your hubby thinks he's done some amazing thing (that you do 50 times a day with no thanks) - encourage it and maybe he'll take on more. It's unfair that he should require so much positive reinforcement to do what you do all day with no support - but, it might just be the only way to get more help.

While I completely understand why you're frustrated and tired and cranky, it's probably perpetuating his behavior... "why should I help her with anything if she's just going to bitch at me blah, blah, blah..."

Maybe after he gets it, he'll find other motivation for helping you out than cheering and back-patting. Once he starts doing things without all the hoopla, maybe he'll start to realize how much you actually do for nothing. At least you might get some more help out of it.

[Kristi A.]

I totally understand how you feel. My second child is 5 now but he is on the level of a 3 year old. He sleeps all night RARELY and I still have to get up and go to work everyday. My Mom is wonderful but lives 5 hours away and my mother in law almost never sees my kids and she is 10 minutes away. It is very frustrating and lonely.I will definitely say a prayer for you.

[mayberry]

Boy do I know how much this sucks. With both kids I got "I can't do anything, he/she doesn't like me." grrrrrrrrrr. I'm so sorry.

[Jennifer]

This is exactly what I'm afraid of.

Thanks for putting into words just how I know I'm going to feel.

Hope things improve soon. ((Hugs))

[Mrs. Chicky]

I had a lot of the same feelings when Chicky was a newborn. It gets better (as you know) but the resentment remains, just a bit. I hope you get a small moment to yourself because that resentment is an ugly thing to hold on to.

{{hugs}} to you.

[MammaLoves]

If you lived in DC I'd be over in a heartbeat--even though we've never met, I know you. I was you.

Next time you're lying there remember that there are a number of us who completely empathize. It sucks, it's lonely and it feels like it will never end. Come back here and bitch all you want. We'll listen and nod our heads in agreement. I wish we could do more.

[Smiling Mom]

Kristen,
I know you already know this, and it's no consolation, but it will get better! :-)

My hubby was the same way. I was lucky that he took off a month after #2 was born. Unfortunately, eClaire (#2) was solely my responsibility. #1, BC, was also my responsibility. Hubby helped some with him, but never enough. It's so tough because here you are caring for another life, trying to figure out his personality, different than your first, expected to be happy, put together, rested, all while keeping a clean house.... Hmmm. Why don't others get it?

Hang in there! I, and hundreds of other mom's wish we could swoop in, and take your kids-away from your house-just for a few hours so you could get a nap!