Nothing Says Parenting Like Running Out of a Chick-Fil-A With Your Head Hidden Under Your Coat

There are baby book milestones -- like first tooth, first step, and first birthday.

And then there are "blog-about-them-because-they-happen-to-everyone-but-no-one-ever-talks-about-them" milestones -- like first poop in the tub, first curse word, first knock-em-down-drag-em-through-the-hall-way-screaming tantrums and first time your kid embarrassed the crap out of you.

We all know it's inevitable. Your kid will be the one to scream "Look at the huge fat lady" at the top of his lungs in the middle of church while everyone is praying or grab your boobs and squeeze them when all your husband's family are visiting (you know the ones who are totally not into breastfeeding past one month).

It's just how it goes, right?

And so, today, as we were happily eating our Chick-Fil-A #1 with Lemonade my daughter points to a woman chomping heartily on her Chick-Fil-A #1 (clearly, the meal of the people) and says:

"Mommy, is that a man?"

I tried not to drop my sandwich. Then I looked around, and hoped, okay prayed, that the nice yet very manly looking lady wearing a flannel shirt, dungarees (no NOT jeans), and construction boots eating with who had to be her very nice lesbian partner did not hear my nosy toddler.

And then I replied, "No, dear, she's a lady" trying not to cry, turn bright red, hide under the really dirty booth, add weird side comments that would be incredibly inappropriate but sort of funny, or get into a deep discussion about how some women like women and prefer to dress like men and can only get married (or really civily united) in five states.

Yeah. Good thing I stopped at "turn bright red."

Of course, it's hilarious now, but at the time it sends you into shock. I really should have been prepared. I mean the first step in parenting is admitting that in order to get through your days, you should probably pack up your shame and pride.

I suppose it could be worse.

I could have one of your embarrassing stories that you're going to leave in the comments to make me feel better.

Welcome to The Mom Trap. Stay awhile and look around. I keep it way cleaner than my house and it doesn't reek of spit-up. And feel free to come back anytime. You can sign up to receive notices in your email box when I update here (make sure you login).

Comments

[Laura]

my son is just about 2 1/2 and he is speaking many words but some of them are hard to come out. 1 day while driving down the road he pointed out a truck and, Im still amazed I didnt crash, yelled out .....well imagine the f for the tr. Now he says it at day care, and when my father heard it, he just about fell out of his recliner. I have tried to teach him the proper way to say it but it's not working.

[AlexSandra]

When my son was almost 3, we were shopping in a very small bookstore. He had to go potty, so I took him and decided it was a good idea if I used the facilities as well. After he went, I pulled down my pants and sat. He watches me and finds the loudest possible voice to announce "Mommy, you have HAIR down there!". Of course, I knew that everyone in the tiny store heard THAT one...Good thing the store was so small-it was a short trip past all the grinning faces out the door!

But turnabout is fair play. My sister is 15 yrs older than me, so she would often accompany my mother and I on trips to the store. One day as we walked past a bin of bras, I pulled up a HUGE one and announced to the entire store that MY pimples weren't big enough for that yet! My poor sister couldn't decide if she wanted to die of embarrasement or just kill me! Hey, I was only about 4 yrs old... I also got her one day shortly after she got a new sewing machine. She was so excited over all the cool features it had. I tried to share in her excitement by getting on the phone to my very prim elderly aunt before she could to tell her that "Sissy's new sewing machine makes buttholes!" My poor sister spent about an hour trying to explain that I was too little to say "buttonholes".

[Patricia C]

My son and my Mother-in-law are always racing... she takes her time while he runs like heck... She is always telling him ... I'm gonna beat you to (whatever they are racing to) well, at a store... My son decides he wants to race Me to the toys so I say okay it's a mere 10 feet from us... what is the harm... well he takes off running and I just behind him walking rather fast... as he nears the toy aisle he lets out a scream on the top of his lungs, "No Momma, Don't Beat Me!"... how great is that?... the looks I got from others.... I tried explaining the running thing and racing thing but still got looks like I was the most aweful mom in the world... Needless to say I was embarrassed and now we tell him ONLY I'm gonna win you! not correct english but it sounds much better...

[Kelli]

At an OB appointment for baby #5, my then 17 month old DD suddenly threw up all over me, a chair, the floor, the diaper bag. I had no extra clothes for either of us at that point and cleaned us as well as I could with baby wipes and paper towels they gave me. I had to go home in a hospital gown. Imagine the stairs from my neighbors as I got out of the car.

Child #1 did not like going #2 in the potty and usually hid when he had to go. My best friend babysat for him while I went to a wedding rehearsal. When I got home she had cleaned my entire apartment and baked muffins. I told her how nice it was and thought she had done it because I was so busy that week. She informed me she kind of had to because she had to find the horrible smell. Unaware to anyone, my son had pooped in the pop-up seat of his ride on police car in his bedroom. She cleaned to find the smell and then baked to cover it up! To top it off - her boyfriend at the time had come over to help her babysit. He didn't stay long. No wonder she is child #1's Godmother!

[Lisa]

I live in a small one light town in the bible belt, and I took my two year old to the local picnic last October. I am one of those organic nuts who had yet to ever give her son a soda. Well, we got thirsty and that's all there was to drink, so I got him a Sprite. He was happily drinking while the Karate kids were doing their show--a pretty quiet display. Just then, he happens to spill it, screaming and crying so everyone can hear, "oh no, i spilled my beer!" Of course everyone turns to see what evil ungodly woman is allowing her toddler to drink beer. Apparently all canned beverages were beer to my son since that's the only occasional can we have in our house. We left soon after.

[Christne]

My husband had recently had a vasectomy. My father thought it would be funny to tell my 3 & 5 year olds that Daddy's balls got cut off. So, needless to say everywhere we went, when people would ask how my hubby was doing, my 2 oldest would shout out, "Daddy got his balls cut off!" Talk about wanting to shrink. Thanks a lot dad!!

[Mandy]

My little boy was just starting to use more complex sentences but it was still a little difficult to understand what he was saying sometimes. We were in the grocery store one afternoon when he started to talk up a storm. I had asked him to repeat something he said that I didn't understand. After the second time I still didn't understand him so I repeated what I thought he said. He looked at me, slapped his hand to his forehead and yelled "Pay Attention!" in the middle of a rather crowded grocery store aisle. All of the other shoppers were trying really hard not to laugh. There's nothing like having your toddler cut you down to size in public.

[Talicia]

We were eating at the park one day and this woman of very large proportions walks by. Yep... here it comes... my 2 year old sons window is down and he says "BIG PANTIES" as loud as he can right when she walks by his window. I just slowly rolled our windows up and then started laughing. Thats all you can do!

[christina]

my yearold step daughter plays t- ball so we are always at the baseball park with my 18 month old who we are trying to potty train as my dd told my mommy i have to pee-pee as i turned around she had her paints down hands wraped around her vajj like a boy peeing look mommy pee-pee i about died we did not go to the park for weeks after that she wore overalls

[Peggy]

I was at a little thrift store with my daughter who was 3 at the time, and I squated down to look at some wallpaper. I heard her say, mommy, that lady's old! I have arthritis in my knees, so I couldn't get up right then, so I looked at her and said Courtney, don't say stuff like that, and the lady said, Yes, honey, I'm very old! Thank God for people with a sense of humor..the same little girl at a drug mart while we were checking out sang loudly, I FARTED! The clerk giggled about it, but all I could say was that's nice.

[Torie]

My dad had come into town for the weekend and we had gone out to dinner with all of my family... while at the dinner we got milk for our son and gave it to him... The minute we got out of the resturant he decided to throw up all over me... and it was a little one... it was projectial not just once but twice... let me tell ya never get milk in the resturant that they arent use to... take your own milk with u...

[Teri]

Went shopping at a local mall with my almost 1 and almost 3 year old girls. The older girl climbed out of the stroller (I have no idea how she managed to get out of her belt) and had a meltdown in a store (naptime). I had a very physical struggle with her to get her back into the stroller and then we raced out of there. Our car was at the opposite end of the mall...of course...and she screamed the entire way "Somebody help...help me please". I have no idea where she ever even heard that phrase. People were staring. Fortunately, I also got a few sympathetic looks from other moms. The funniest part of it was that when we were exiting the store where our car was, the gentleman at the cash registers heard us coming and yelled that there was a handicap-accessible button to open the door to get the stroller out....
I can laugh now, but at the time I just wanted to hide.

[Jessica]

When my son was about 2 years old we were in a dollar store. There was this nice older woman who asked me where the wash cloths were. I pointed them out, and of course they were near the shampoo which I needed to get to. Anyway, I had him sitting in the cart, the aisles were very small. I tried to pass the lady but she stopped in front of the shampoo and bent over to grab the cloths. My son, making sure to get my attention, says mom and smiles really smuggly. He raises his hand, and before I could stop him, SPANKS the woman on the butt!!! It was too embarrassing and of course, she says "boys will be boys". I could've died right in the store.

[Olena]

My 2 year old son is obsessed with toy story and will only wear the pull-ups with the cowboy from the movie on them. (I would love to get my hands on the brilliant man who named that character) Anyway, we had just put a package of the pullups in the cart when my son started yelling 'Mama, I am so happy to have a Woody in my pants'. Of course, most of the people near me were glaring at me because they haven't seen Toy Story. Luckily another mom took pity and loudly announced that she also buys the pullups with Cowboy Woody from the Disney movie.

[LISA]

my at the time 3 yr old daughter and i were shopping in kohls, i was very pregnant with my 2nd child. sarah was running around and hiding under wraps at which time i told her sternly to come out. she put her hands on her hips and said jesus christ mom gimme a break!!!
all the older peopl in line laughed quite a bit.

[Krystin]

I had to go give a urine sample at the hospital lab one day. I had both of my kids with me, my son was in the stroller and my daughter (2yo) was walking around exploring the room. About that time the door flung open and a few medical personnel were standing there asking me if I was ok. I was upset and embarrassed and finished using the bathroom. When I walked out there were 5 medical personnel waiting for me and a waiting room full of patients staring at me. I then realized my daughter had pulled the emergency call bell, and it wouldn't shut off until someone turned it off from INSIDE the bathroom. Embarrassed? You bet!

[Ingrid]

Little princess (age 4), brother and me were in the ice cream parlor, when a very wrinkled lady came in.. when daughter saw her, she turned to me and in a very loud voice said...'mom...that lady is veeery old, she is going to die very soon isn't she'... The lady turned to me, I tried an apologetic smile...and just took my kids out of the parlor as soon as I could.

[Chelesa]

When my son was 3 years old, I was getting ready for a job interview only to find that I didnt have any panty hose. I ran to safeway, just around the corner from our house and found the pair I was needing. Just as we walked up to the line and I put my pantyhose on the conveyor belt, my son saw the package which had a woman modeling the hose. My darling 3 year old blurted out as loud as he could (in front of EVERYONE) "Mommy! Look! A Butt!!!"

Instantly i turned bright red...Always a memory :) He is now turning 10 this year...Not so much a "little guy" anymore :(

[Heather]

When Emma was about 22 months old, we were in the checkout line at Walmart and I heard people giggling. I looked up and there sat my child, she had gone through my purse and found a maxi pad, had taken the strip off and stuck it to her forehead. She had this big smile on her face and said "Mommy, big sticker!" She sat there clapping singing "I did it! I did it!" It was too funny to make me angry but still quite a bit embarrassing.

[Jennifer]

I had an appointment with my OBGYN and didn't have a sitter. My husband could not be late for work that day because of a meeting, so I had to take my two year old twins along with me. I put them in the double stroller and wheeled them in thinking everything would be just peachy. Well, they had elevator music playing and one of my twins was singing at the top of her lungs. I asked her politely to keep it down some and she looked at me and said as loud as she could "G*d D&*^t it Mommy!". I could have died! I turned every shade of red imaginable and with every eye in the place on me, proceeded to ask her where she heard that word. She said she heard her Poppa say it the other day. Her poppa uses four letter words like we use "and" and "the" so I can't say it was a huge shock, but he'd been doing really well at not saying them in front of the girls.

[Heather]

When Emma was about 22 months old, we were in a Walmart check out line. I was putting my items on the conveyer belt to be paid for and heard people snickering, I turned around and Emma had gotten into my purse, found a maxipad, took the strip off of it and stuck it to her forehead and said with a smile "Mommy, BIG sticker" and clapped her hands saying "I do it! I do it!" It was too funny for me to be angry but was a bit embarrassing.

[Janet ~Trinitysmommy05]

I know all about embarrassment...Yesterday I took Trinity to the Park. Well my sister came over with her baby also and we were sittin there talking while Trinity was playing. Well The Whole park was full of Little T-ball players and their mommies and Daddys..Well I turned around to check on Trinity shes 2 and potty training by the way... well when I turned around I just about DIED!!! She was squatting on the ground in the middle of the park pooping I was soo embarrassed and didnt know what to say. So here she comes running to me Mommy Yaaaayyyy I pooped *haha* what Could I do? Except Laugh of course ! Then if that wasnt embarrassing enough I had to hurry and pick it up, so that they other T-ball kids didnt step in it. I was Soooo Embarrassed!!!!!!!!!!

[Katrina]

my dear son began every word with a b up until he was almost 3.
we were in wal-mart electronics one day looking for a new blues clues movie and all of a sudden my dear son screams "BIG BOOBIES". i immediately wanted to crawl into a hole. but it only gets worse...i noticed he was pointing his finger in that direction so i followed his finger to find a large woman who just happened to be REALLY BLESSED in the breast department! it turns out he was pointing to charolette's web saying pig movie, but i couldn't even talk, much less explain it to this woman. i coauldn't stop laughing/crying!!! and my dear, sweet hubby....yeah he walked away as soon as he saw the woman!

[Heather]

My son is 2 1/2 and mis-uses his words at times. He latest thing is "stop pushing me". Well needless to say we are in walmart getting ready to check out when I decide to get him in the cart so he wont run off and he yells at the top of his lungs STOP PUSHING ME!! OMG the stares I got, and I;m like I didnt push him :)

[Kayla]

I had my 2yods with me at Target shopping and have been having some stomach troubles during this pregnancy. Well, I had to make a quick trip to the bathroom to go potty and my son loudly announces, "Mommy make stinky poopy!" Let's just say I took my time leaving the stall hoping anyone who had heard had already left.

[Charles Kelly]

Goober just desided to pee on my feet in front of everyone, and I was wearing brand new shoes.

[Amber]

the other day, my dad and my 3 year old daughter went into a health food store and when we were leaving, she said, "bye witch!" the lady was pretty upset. my dad took my daughter back in to try and sort it out with this lady but wasn't successful because when we all got in the car she said, "bye witch" again. then yesterday when i took my daughter to gymnastics(which is two doors down from the health food store) the instructor said that the "witch" lady came over and told her what had happened! she is still obviously upset about it but good crap she needs to get over it because my daughter is barely 3!

[Smiling Mom]

We were walking down the hall away from a doctor's appt. and a very obese woman was slowly walking toward us. We had been to the zoo just a few weeks before and watched the gorillas run around an play....

Ya, sweet BC said, "Mommy, that lady is walking like a gorilla."

I'm still praying that she didn't hear him!

[Jenny]

I went to an upscale store recently (I am not usually an upscale shopper) and while my 2 yr old daughter and I were walking I popped a bubble quietly with my gum. She looked at me and yelled "You farted" - this was in front of a bunch of people. I said no baby I popped a bubble. She replied "Yes you did and it stinks"! I could do nothing but say excuse me and get out of the store.

[dutchjess]

Our family hosted the new youth pastor and his wife (newly relocated from the deep south) at our home for dinner. Our 2 1/2 year-old daughter proudly introduced them to our large black cat by saying, "Look at his butthole!" I nearly died...

[Amanda]

Not me or my kids, but a funny story, nonetheless. When my oldest sister was little (before I was born), my family lived on a military base. The "general store" on base is called the PX, and my mom was shopping one day, with my sister riding in the child seat of the cart. My sister is playing quietly with a toy while my mom is going up and down the aisles, putting on the air of a perfect military wife and child.

So, this other woman comes up to my mom and starts gushing "what a beautiful little girl you have - so quiet and well behaved!"

As if on cue, my sister accidentally dropped her toy on the floor. She looks over edge of the cart at her toy, looks up at my mom, and proclaims in a disappointed tone, "Aw, shit."

My mother was mortified. I find it hilarious.

[Sarah]

We are in a bagel shop waiting in line to get a bagel and there is a woman in front of us (she seemed to be a vertically challenged to put it nicely but I think she was a dwarf of some kind) so my son is about 3 at the time which puts him at perfect height for her butt which is clearly not in proportion to the rest of her. Here it goes.....he says...look mommy look at her butt, it's big and funny. OMG, I probably grabbed his mouth and started singing the Star Spangled Banner or something to distract everyone from the completely innocent and honest thing he said. Wow! Don't ya just love kids!!!

[Kris H.]

When Daughter was about 2 1/2, she was out shopping with my mother (thank God I wasn't there!). They ended up in the pet store because my mother needed cat food. Daughter had been so well behaved all afternoon that my mom decided to reward her by swinging through the fish department (a major treat for my once fish obsessed kid). They happened to be looking at some beta fish next to the register when the teenage boy behind the counter passed gas. My mother (and a couple other customers) were pretending they hadn't heard anything when Daughter announces at the top of her lungs "WHAT DO YOU SAY?" Evidently, the boy turned bright red and mumbled excuse me, the other customers were swallowing their faces trying not to laugh, and my mother rushed Daughter out of the store as quickly as she could! She decided to go back for her cat food later...alone!

Had I been there, I would have been MORTIFIED! Since I wasn't, I laughed my butt off when my mother told me about it later...

[MamaKaren]

I was running errands with Princess and her new baby brother, and my cycle had decided to make its reappearance. During a bathroom stop, Princess was aghast at what she saw.

"Oh my God, Mommy!" she shouted in horror. "WHAT have you got all over your underwears? That's DISGUSTING!"

I got a few strange looks when I came out to wash my hands.

[Tammie]

Well, apparently it's my day to comment on ALL of your blogs! haha.

Son #1 at about age 3: Headed down the grocery store aisle and approaching a very large, legless man in a wheelchair. I was starting to panic because my son had just entered the stage of commenting on EVERYTHING. We got two steps past the man and I thought we were in the clear when my son says "Mom! Did you see that fat man with no legs?!"

Son #2 almost 3 and potty training: Very obsessed with who had penises and who didn't. Everywhere we went was "he has penis, she doesn't have a penis", etc. We are at a deli counter about to order. The gender of the person helping us was quite ambiguous (flashback to "Pat" of SNL fame). When asked if we were ready to order my son says "Mom? Does that person have a penis?" He/She looked at my son then at me and I said "sorry, potty training obsession (nervous laughter on my part)"

Son #2 at age 4: Again, in the grocery store (I really need to get a life!) I was distracted and looking for a specialty food item. All of the sudden my son starts laughing and says "Mom! Look! That grownup is the same size as me!" I turn my head and there is a little person in the aisle right next to us. I almost burst into tears I was so mortified. I managed to remain calm and said "yes honey, people are all different sizes." I don't know if that was the right reaction or not but it was all I could think of. The next sound was the screeching of our cart wheels as we rounded the corner to get out of there!

Sorry for the length of this comment! =)

[Tammy]

Where to begin! My DD (now 3.5) and I were leaving the bathroom at a local bar/restaurant when a very mannish female (short spiky hair, various piercings, black converse shoes with baggy cargo shorts) was coming in. My DD says, "Mommy, a boy is going into the girls' room". I made eye contact and tried to apologize smile while praying said female was not going to kick my butt. Same DD recently likes to point out "bo-bo's" on unforunate acne cursed waitresses/sales clerks faces. Ah, you gotta love 'em!

[Caroline]

When my daughter was 3 years old, we lived in Vanilla Whitebread, USA. There were VERY few people of any ethnicity other than caucasian near us. We had recently moved to the area, and didn't realize how little diversity there was until the day DD made this clear to us. We were in a store, and one of the employees said "Hello" to us, very friendly. DD put her hands on her hips, leaned over at the waist, scrunched her nose up in disdain and stuck her tongue out as far as it would go. I turned to her and asked why she would do such a thing, and she replied "Her skin is yucky brown!"

Egads.

Fortunately, the woman was very patient as I explained that I was not a prejudiced person, and I really would like to help her learn that different color skin is okay. So, we had a pleasant chat, while my daughter kept being her stinker self.

We're in a new neighborhood now, that is not so vanilla. She no longer behaves in such a way, thank goodness!

[Heather]

How about this: We were playing in the sprinkler & slip n slide one summer day at a friends house. Boys were a MESS of mud and grass when finished. Friend and I chunk all 4 boys (two age 1.5 and two age 3.5) into the tub to rinse off. My oldest looks at her oldest and says loudly, "Tommy has a little penis!" Oh dear. I tried to get the tub drain to suck me down with the water but no such luck.

Same kiddo of mine has looked at an overweight woman in a store and yelled, "mom...that lady has a big butt!"

Same kiddo of mind ripped the largest, loudest fart a 4 year old could rip RIGHT in the middle of story time at the library.

I stopped taking that kid out in public for a while.

[Michelle]

When my son was 4 or 5 we walked in to Walgreens and a teenage boy passed us. I am probably assuming he was a teenager because of the way he wore his hair which is the point of the story. This guy's hair was a mohawk and the mohawk part stood taller than you can even imagine (I remember seeing guys in high school do this to their hair). My son pointed at the guy and said "look at his hair, mom!" I had to stop myself from laughing. I will never forget that. The guy was probably used to it since he kept on walking and completely ignored my son.

[Mrs. Chicken]

The Poo calls all women girls and all men boys.

It is terrible when she calls a grown African-American man "boy."