My Crotch Thanks You Britney Spears

Thanks to years of intensive ballet training, I didn't hit puberty until I was about 16. Little did I know how lucky I was. I used to pray for pubic hair and boobs on a nightly basis -- you know, since Jesus is apparently in charge of those things -- that and high SAT scores. Girls can be fucking brutal and on a daily basis I'd get mocked for not having to wear deoderant and my need for nothing but a bra of bandaids (and even then that was pushing it).

And so, when that first pubic hair came in, I cried. Seriously. I wrote a whole page about it in my journal.

But after 14,598 of them (just an estimation) come in and require fairly regular maintenance that becomes extremely difficult while pregnant, I'm pretty much ready to say goodbye.

I'm really not a hairy person overall, although my husband tells me that I'm pretty hairy for an Asian -- which really just pisses me off and only indicates his past history with Asian girls or what I call his "Magical Not So Mystery Tour of Asia Major."

But thanks to pregnancy hormones, the hair is there -- particularly in places where it wasn't before. And considering for the last two months of my pregnancy I could not see it (and refused to have anyone style it for me) and now I don't have much time to engage in crotch couture, it's getting a bit out of hand.

So, I decided to get the hell rid of them. All of them.

Little did I know the task at hand. I must have looked like a demented Edward Scissorhands, except the end product was -- well -- you know *whispers* skinned cat like -- which can I say -- is not as hot as I had hoped it would be.

Maybe it would have been somewhat sexy if it didn't require a combination of scissors, razor, and clippers, plus ridiculous positions and a hand mirror, and then a dustpan, broom, and shop vac. By the time I had finished, I think all the hair grew back in again. And you still sort of have to go with the grain in order to get that desired feel as opposed to the what the other direction gets you --  what I'm calling "my grandad's two-day old beard scratch."

I do admit that overall it feels way better (hell, I dropped an underpants size) and I'm much less likely to catch small animals and gnomes who would have likely gotten tangled up in there, but I totally fear the upkeep.

So seriously people, how exactly to you get all the bits and pieces? And waxing. Dare I even attempt to get a wax?

--

And so it may not catch pubic gnomes (damn those little bastards), but it does catch other stuff fairly well. Click here to see what the hell I'm talking about.

Comments

[motherbumper]

Waxing is the only way. Brazilian in the summertime and whatever I'm in the mood for in the colder months. Seriously, it is so much better because the regrowth isn't.. isn't... well for lack of a better word: isn't so damn itchy. Because nothing says sexy like having to scratch that kinda of itch. No seriously, it doesn't look sexy at all.

[JailDiet]

gnomes in your pubes?

so that's where they've been hiding! now, where are the gnomes going to live?

don't send them over here!

[Much More Than A Mom]

I'm all about the Brazilian wax. I get "my girl" to leave just a tiny bit at the "point" because it hurts like a son of a bitch there with all the hair growing in different directions, and then I cut that short or shave it once. (Whoa, tmi!) I had my last one about a week before delivering Rylan. Now I can't get any free time to go do it, but I will again soon. Razors suck. Waxing yourself? Dangerous business. I say pay a pro.

I remember the first time I went...I actually said to the girl "So, do you put wax in the pink?" She laughed at me and said something to the effect of "Yep, now spread 'em and pull this part up."

Ah, the things we do...