Motherhood Uncensored

Don't Worry Sam. You'll Always Be My Top Chef

WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO ILAN! And seriously, why would Marcel ever pick Michael to help him? And I love how Marcel tried to take credit for the dish he screwed up that Sam had to help him with. Leave your comments about the finale!!!!

With all this baby hullabaloo I almost forgot about the Top Chef Finale.

Okay. That's a total lie. I timed my labor perfectly so that I could not only catch Top Chef, but Grey's Anatomy as well.

Ha.

C'mon. What's hotter than a two men cooking gourmet food that I can't pronounce in portions perfect for a large caterpillar?

I know. NAKED hot men cooking.... right?

But seriously, what's with this finale? Fine. I get the drama between Marcel and Ilan. I see why they picked them. But STILL. How many "foams" can one person make? (And honestly, I don't think I've ever eaten a foam nor do I really want to). And I don't care what Judge Tom says but I think kitchen behavior should be factored into the judging.

Clearly, it should have been Sam and Ilan, particularly short hair Sam.

He might be tastier than anything he's actually cooked.

So, who do you think should win? How did Michael get that far? What's with the whole Cliff/Marcel thing? C'mon people. Let's hear it!

Too Shy Shy, Hush Hush Eye You Dee

*PSA Below

I got the birth control talk from my midwife today. I'm not even two weeks post partum, and granted, every single dream I have at night (within those blessed three hour stretches of REM) is like a bad soft porn video, it's really not the first thing on my mind.

Mmmmm.... a bouncy mid-section, large milky boobs, and an ass I still can't believe is my own.

Not. so. hot.

However, I totally understand the need for birth control while breastfeeding. I got pregnant twice and miscarried twice. And while I can't direct link both of those to breastfeeding, I'd prefer to err on the side of caution and not endure that again.

And of course, when it's clearly medically unadvisable to have sex until my you know what stops you know whatting, my husband's libido decides to make a comeback.

Yes. Because the first thing a tired, achy, recovering preggo wants to see is her husband's penis swinging around at her in the dark.

Sounds so tempting, doesn't it?

But really, we've never really done well with condoms, I've never really done well on birth control pills (hello, flaming lunatic) and I'm not so much for shoving something way up onto my cervix ala sponge or diaphragm. Seriously, an OB tampon practically gives me the willies. And so, I'm looking into the IUD.

"It's all the rage" the nurse at the hospital told me.

"Like Coach bags?" I replied, laughing heartily at my own joke.

"No really. They're the best thing out there" she told me, with an oddly serious tone.

But sticking something, up there, sort of permanently, just doesn't sound that appealing. Don't you feel it? Don't you wonder -- is it clean? Is it safe? Is it not contaminating my body from the inside out? And how, in God's name, do they get it up there? Or do I have to do it?

Cripey.

I'm thinking we're just going to have to go ala 10th grade and do the pull out method. Now where's the damn KY Warming Mist PR people when you need them?

--

After you're done telling me how many kids you've had with the pull-out method (teehee), stop here for a special Motherhood Uncensored Shout Out, and then come dish about Top Chef. The finale is tonight people!

2nd Child My Butt

I've heard from several second children that parental neglect starts early.

"You just won't have time to take as many pictures."

"Nothing's really as cute the second time around."

"Baby book? HAHAHAHA."

And sure. I can sort of see that happening. Hell. I barely have any sort of baby book for Quinlan. Just a little journal with way too many tear stained pages highlighting what foods I could not eat and what little quirky things she did.

You know. The good stuff.

But with this child, I'm not so concerned with that as I am more concerned about dear #1. As a breastfeed-on-demand mom, I've got a baby attached to me almost constantly. And while I know I'm only in DAY #4 of a very long year ahead, I think a lot about my firstborn. I want her to have things and toys and time that are her own and not always connected with #2. And I imagine when #2 gets older, I'll want the same for him as well.

I know as I am able to leave the house, it will be easier. Cripes. It's just been one week but it feels like one month. And I'm even thinking about a little 2-hour preschool time for her (she's been begging to play with other kids) along with her ballet class.

Any other suggestions? How can I keep track of milestones for him and still maintain my sanity? What are some fun mom/toddler outings? HELP!

Take Me Out to the Balls Game

I have nothing against balls, really. Snow. Soccer. Bouncy. Goof.

Go Eagles! Oh wait. They lost weeks ago.

But those balls? Oy.

I know that dealing with a vah-jay-jay, or as a good blogpal of mine put it "the meat flaps" isn't a walk in the park. Okay. Maybe it's because I have one. You know, a gorgeous lotus flower (sorry, no meat flaps here). Hell. You wipe front to back, avoid heavy soaps, and all is clear.

But the balls? Gonads? Bojangles? I feel helpless, almost lightheaded when having to deal with them. I've already left a fair amount of crap build up due to my failure to lift and wipe in a timely and efficient manner. And I still feel sort of awkward giving them the good "rubola" during bath time.

Gently. Softly. Oh.so.carefully. (Or at least, that's what I'm told).

I've lived my near ball-less life quite contently. I don't mess with the balls and they don't mess with me. We're on a need to know basis -- I know they are there and that's all that matters.

But now. Little balls little balls. I see them almost hourly. And I'm still confused. Does it matter how I wipe them? Do I scrub them? Lift them? Flip them upside down?

One ball two ball. Red ball. Blue...

Okay. I really need to get out of this house.

In Which I Say to Oprah: WTF?

I generally heart Oprah.

Giving away free cars, new homes, and yummy Nate Berkus. Seriously, he.is.edible.

You can't beat it, really.

But when she starts offering her "feelings" about having kids and being a working vs. stay-at-home mother, then I start to roll my eyes.

Okay. I sort of curse at the screen.

Did you catch the show on Tuesday? Elizabeth Vargas was on talking about her decision to leave World News Tonight and return to 20/20. And interwoven in her story were tales of guilt, sadness, and loss.

She got hammered by the public. "It's a step backwards for women."

Why? She still works 12 hour days. She just isn't traveling to Iraq.

I digress.

Then a bunch of stay-at-home-moms and work-out-of-home moms pseudo-battled it out. "I wish I had spent more time on me" said a SAHM. "I wish I had more time with my kids" replied a WOHM. And then Oprah piped in about watching Gail raise her kids and then she lost me.

I rarely feel that people cannot have some level of empathy if they have not experienced something themselves. As a therapist, much of what I did was based on empathy -- not personal experience. You just can't have (and many times, you don't want to have) every experience in life. That doesn't mean you cannot empathize and imagine how it might feel.

But when it comes to motherhood, particularly the decision of working and staying home, I have to say that for the most part (at least when it comes to this issue and labor) YOU HAVE TO BE THERE.

For me, I went back to work part-time for the first year of my daughter's life. I was extremely fortunate in that I took her to work with me. But quite frankly, my mind was always on her. I'd be teaching a class, and in my head I'd be wondering if she was hungry, or tired, or screaming her fool-head off.

But even after that year ended, I still did some work outside the home thanks to a trusty sitter. And I realized that I needed to have some type of "work" to sustain me. And I needed to make money.

And that was me.

I have few opinions about this argument, only that for many women, staying-at-home is just not an option. Perhaps financially, but more importantly for their own sanity. IT IS HARD. IT IS NOT FUN. And not everyone is good at it.

My only opinion comes when women are unable to do what they want -- to work part-time and be home. To live their dream. To "have it all."

But then, it's not my opinion to share with that mom. It's my opinion to share with our society - our world - that doesn't value mothering.

Maybe Oprah might have spent more time talking about making a change, as opposed to just rehashing an old argument that never got us anywhere in the first place.

What about you? How did you make the decision to stay home, work, etc? Any judgments (your own or from other people)? 

--

Congrats to Carolyn (correct date and length) and Sandy (correct weight and length)! You are both winners in my baby pool. I know many of you had correct weight/length/date only, however, I figured I'd go with the folks who had 2 or more right. Email me with your address and I'll send you off a lovely prize.