In Which I Say to Oprah: WTF?

I generally heart Oprah.

Giving away free cars, new homes, and yummy Nate Berkus. Seriously, he.is.edible.

You can't beat it, really.

But when she starts offering her "feelings" about having kids and being a working vs. stay-at-home mother, then I start to roll my eyes.

Okay. I sort of curse at the screen.

Did you catch the show on Tuesday? Elizabeth Vargas was on talking about her decision to leave World News Tonight and return to 20/20. And interwoven in her story were tales of guilt, sadness, and loss.

She got hammered by the public. "It's a step backwards for women."

Why? She still works 12 hour days. She just isn't traveling to Iraq.

I digress.

Then a bunch of stay-at-home-moms and work-out-of-home moms pseudo-battled it out. "I wish I had spent more time on me" said a SAHM. "I wish I had more time with my kids" replied a WOHM. And then Oprah piped in about watching Gail raise her kids and then she lost me.

I rarely feel that people cannot have some level of empathy if they have not experienced something themselves. As a therapist, much of what I did was based on empathy -- not personal experience. You just can't have (and many times, you don't want to have) every experience in life. That doesn't mean you cannot empathize and imagine how it might feel.

But when it comes to motherhood, particularly the decision of working and staying home, I have to say that for the most part (at least when it comes to this issue and labor) YOU HAVE TO BE THERE.

For me, I went back to work part-time for the first year of my daughter's life. I was extremely fortunate in that I took her to work with me. But quite frankly, my mind was always on her. I'd be teaching a class, and in my head I'd be wondering if she was hungry, or tired, or screaming her fool-head off.

But even after that year ended, I still did some work outside the home thanks to a trusty sitter. And I realized that I needed to have some type of "work" to sustain me. And I needed to make money.

And that was me.

I have few opinions about this argument, only that for many women, staying-at-home is just not an option. Perhaps financially, but more importantly for their own sanity. IT IS HARD. IT IS NOT FUN. And not everyone is good at it.

My only opinion comes when women are unable to do what they want -- to work part-time and be home. To live their dream. To "have it all."

But then, it's not my opinion to share with that mom. It's my opinion to share with our society - our world - that doesn't value mothering.

Maybe Oprah might have spent more time talking about making a change, as opposed to just rehashing an old argument that never got us anywhere in the first place.

What about you? How did you make the decision to stay home, work, etc? Any judgments (your own or from other people)? 

--

Congrats to Carolyn (correct date and length) and Sandy (correct weight and length)! You are both winners in my baby pool. I know many of you had correct weight/length/date only, however, I figured I'd go with the folks who had 2 or more right. Email me with your address and I'll send you off a lovely prize.

Comments

[Kim]

I have 2 University degrees and worked for several years before getting married and having children in my 30's. My husband and I also planned financially so that I could stay at home when the babies came. I had always wanted to do this and I love it. I do need time away occasionally, don't get me wrong. My sister, on the other hand married and had kids young and prefers to work outside the home. Each of us is happy and mentally healthy because of these very personal decisions.

[Susan]

My big question is how I could work part time and make as much as I do now??? A stripper, perhaps? LMAO! I guess I never considered staying at home an option. I make nearly as much as my husband so it's not like we wouldn't notice it if I quit. And work is sometimes my sanity. Strange because my work is a cop. Who ever thought that would be the calm in my life? So I guess with me it's a Catch 22...if I stayed at home with the boys I think I would be much more patient...then again...we all might end up running around the yard naked yelling about the voices in our heads. Hah. Kidding.

[Kandice]

I just posted about this on my blog at http://boardroomtoplayroom.blogspot.com.

I've been a SAHM to my 4 year old and 2 year old for 3 months now. Prior to this, I had a primo job as an Assistant General Counsel at a global software technology company. As far as jobs go, it was the best one I'd ever had. BUT, I only got to see my kids awake for about an hour a day, I was stressed, and I had nothing left to give them or my husband. I was cheating myself and them. I decided that I wouldn't ever regret staying home with them, but I might regret not.

It's definitely been a struggle financially (my income was the larger of the two). I'm lucky because the kids still go to their preschool two days each week, so I can use that time to work on my novel and pick up writing work here and there.

Do I miss the money? Absolutely. But the tradeoff is definitely worth it. Do I think I'll be a SAHM forever? No. Will I go back to a traditional job working for someone else? No. I can see myself starting my own business so I can have the flexibility that I need to be there when my kids get home from school. That's what I want.

That doesn't mean that's what every other mother wants. I don't know why people are so judgmental. Why do I care what someone else does? It doesn't affect me, so I don't.

Some days I do feel like a miserable failure at the job of being a SAHM. But, even on my worst day at home with the kids, I still felt blessed to be able to be at home with them.

[Christina]

I currently work part-time, which I feel is the best I can do at the moment. There's no way we can afford for me to not hold a job - it's not an issue of buying nice things, it's an issue of paying the mortgage on our modestly priced house.

I work three day a week, and I'm home with Cordy the other days. At the moment it works well for us, although you've seen my complaint about the fact that there isn't enough well-paid, quality part-time work in the US. I left a full-time job that paid almost twice as much as the job I work at now.

With baby #2 on the way, I want to be home even more, and I have been pursuing some writing jobs and other work from home jobs. I'd still have childcare, just to get work done, and Cordy will probably go to preschool part-time in the next year.

I think the mommy wars are silly, and my only wish is that all moms had the chance to do what they wanted to do, whether it be work full-time, part-time, or not at all. But sadly many get put into a situation that they wouldn't have picked, due to money or other circumstances.

[M]

I am so tired of media coverage of the "mommy wars." I strongly feel that the media perpetuates this issue. I never feel bad about my choice to work outside the home until I see a news story about this issue.

Several of my SAHM friends often complain to me that their husbands don't help out, which in turn makes them feel de-valued and disrespected. I don't want to feel that way. I expect my husband to do his 50% w/ regard to child care & household responsibilities, and I think his willingness to do his 50% is directly related to the fact that I work outside the home.

[Amy H]

I wrote a blog about this called "Part time Mother" about how I work full time outside of the home and that makes me feel like a part time mother. I wrote about the guilt associated with that and the fact that I wish I were with my daughter more but that I also really love my job and like feeling like a valuable part of an organization. I work for a Fortune 30 company and I get a lot of satisfaction from that even though I am not able to be home with my daughter more. I asked for an alternative work schedule (like 10 hours a day, 4 days a week) so I could be home more, but that was denied.
I got a response to that entry from a very close friend who told me that I am materialistic and only work so I can have nice things (because I have a coach purse) and will regret not being around my child in the future.
I couldn't believe it. First off, I have to work FT. I could cut my hours back and still be fine finacially, but my job will not allow that. And since I love my job, I am kind of stuck.
Second of all, someone who doesn't have children should really not judge.
Third, just because I have coach purses does not make me materialistic.
sore topic, I guess. I agree that if you are not a mother, you have no right to judge.

[Jenni]

I watched most of that Oprah episode. One thing that was said but not really highlighted very well is that this is a SEASON of life, and in the BIG PICTURE what is best for you and your family. I think looking at the big picture can go either way... Can you scrimp and save to be SAHM for a few years without sending your finances into a tailspin? Maybe yes, maybe no. Can you tackle the SAHM-gig for a few years without losing your sanity and your place in the professional world? Maybe yes, maybe no. Complex questions; the answers will be different for every mother.
One HUGE thing I think most mothers suffer from is the self-inflicted "grass is greener on the other side of the fence" type disease. Otherwise called guilt and envy. I wrestle with this every day! I spend a large chunk of the day looking for work (at home work -which is like NOT heard of in my field) and then I look back on my day and feel guilty for not having spent that time enjoying my children.
Either way, its HARD! Staying at home is not a piece of cake, and neither is working. I've done it both ways, and its hard. I'm working on trying to live in the moment more and worry/be guilty less.

[Much More Than A Mom]

I just posted yesterday about my struggle with this issue here:
http://www.muchmorethanamom.com/?p=440

If I type any more I'll start crying so I'll just leave it at that.

[Mari]

We chose to have my husband be a SAHF. He is great at it. I think I'd lose my mind if I did it. On the other hand, I feel like I want to try it!
When my son says, "Can't you be with me?" I feel extremely guilty, but hey, someone has to make the big bucks (smirk), right?!

[wilddreemer]

Okay so since I always heart Oprah you should know, she has confirmed when she was 16 she had a baby that died. And to me that makes her a mom soooooo. Maybe she was still speaking from the heart. Some moms are just different. I personally would never put myself in danger now that I have a son, but that doesn't mean that other people can't drive 66 on the freeway and throw caution into the wind.

[Jennifer O.]

I watched that Oprah show too and I had been excited to see the episode because I am going through that right now, but I didn't think it was very helpful. It was very wishy washy. Elisabeth Vargas was very right though, that you don't know until you've been there.

I have 2 girls, 2 and 4 and work full time. My job is ending in a couple months and we are moving in a year so I decided not to get another job until after we move. I would love to work part time but there is just no way to afford child care on a part time salary. I am actually terrified of staying at home everyday because I don't know how to do that. I have always worked. I guess I will have to just figure it out.

[crazymommylady]

I was very excited to take my maternity leave when my daughter was born almost 4 years ago. But, I ended up begging to come bakc 2 weeks early because I just went crazy being home.all.day. I went back to work, and I was miserable - I wondered about everything, called home and harassed our babysitters (usually my mother) to find out if she had napped, eaten, etc.

So, I left my job and started my own business - an idea I had never even invented before I became a mother. I work 20 hours per week, all during hours when my mother is not working (so the childcare is the best it can be). I'm not crazy from being home all day, and I'm not miserable being at work all day.

The point here is that you often find a completely new direction - different from either path you are considering. Which is why claiming to have an opinion at all on the topic and going so far as to TELL OTHER PEOPLE how they should feel before you have BEEN THERE is absurd.

Now we're expecting #2 in another month!

[Heather]

I went to work after my first child, but I didn't like it. I was fortunate that my mom could watch him, but she lived out of the way. Day after day it was to much traveling and I was only working part time. After he turned three I became pregnant with my second baby. I knew I would need to stay home and I wanted to. Daycare costs would take my whole check, so it was not worth it. My husband and I sat down and figured it out and it works for us (cutting some corners). This should not even be an issue. What works best for you and your family is the answer. There is no right or wrong. Mothers should stop competing against each other and start supporting each other. You never know how hard raising kids can be until you have had them yourself. While I like Oprah, sometimes she speaks as an expert on things that she is not, and people listen to her.

[Susanne]

Wow, so many comments already. So, first, I am working part-time at home. That makes me flexible. I did cut back a little when I had a child. I can't imagine not making any money (we couldn't afford it anyway), and I'd probably get crazy as a SAHM, but who knows.

There is a point that I'd like to make that I deem very important and that is, what about the fathers? It seems to be normal for a man not to see his offspring for the whole day. What I always dreamed of was having a family where both worked part-time and shared the parenting. I'm glad that I'm a woman and I have a choice in a way, but it is much harder for men to choose.

[FishyGirl]

Growing up, I had always planned on being a SAHM, just as my mother was. But by the end of my maternity leave with baby #1, I knew it wasn't for me, even if finances had allowed. I went back to work after 12 weeks. I cried every day I dropped her off for about a week. But she grew and thrived in day care. By baby #2, the plan was to just keep them both in daycare and keep working 30 hours/week, but then #2 was a NICU baby and I just couldn't fathom the thought of leaving him so much. I dropped the schedule to 24 hours/week and for me, that was perfect - enough time that I was still engaged in my career, which was rewarding and I loved, and giving me a much needed break from the kids, and not so much time that I was overwhelmed and felt like I was being a bad mom, and missed my kids. When baby #3 came along I tried the part-time thing for a while, but the only way it was financially feasible was if my FIL came and watched the kids a couple of days a week (my MIL was working full time then), and while he is a good grandfather, he is a lousy day care provider, and everyone was suffering. I finally cried uncle when baby #3 was 10 months old, and have been a fulltime SAHM ever since. I've been struggling, but now that baby #4 is 2 months old, I feel like I'm settling into a groove now. I suck at housework, and I lose it and shriek at the kids far too often because I don't get enough breaks, but I don't feel incompetent like I did in the beginning, and I cherish the close relationship I have with all four.

I really wish we could just drop this whole issue amongst ourselves - each mother makes the right choice available to her for her and her family. We really need to focus our energy on working together for things like universal healthcare that isn't tied to our jobs, more readily available high quality childcare and preschool options, and more generous parental leave policies.

[Audrey]

Right now, it's not feasible for me to stay at home -- we need both incomes. However, in my perfect world (this said a month and a half before our first is due to arrive), I would like to stay at home full time until Baby is about 2 then return to work part-time, as I believe that s/he will need socialization and time away from Mommmy as much as I will need adult time and time away from child(ren). I never thought I'd want to be a SAHM, but now that I've gone through the process of choosing a childcare provider and the thought of leaving my twelve-week old in someone else's care..well, I think I'd like to be a SAHM, at least for a few years!

[Marianne]

I have never posted here before, but this one got my attention. I am a SAHM and I love it. Not that there are days when I would like to hide in the bathroom. My decision to stay home, was after one week of my daughter in day care, we were all miserable. I planned to go back to work and I did for one week. My daughter, my first i now have 4, did not do well. She went from eating 32oz. a day down to 15 oz. She would also scream from the moment she came home until bed. One day my husband went and picked her up and said "I want to come home seeing my wife holding my kid, not a stranger." It was very tough in the begining financially and it still can be. We are on a tight budget. But for us it is worth every penny to see each cool moment that comes along.

[Darlene]

I worked part-time after my first son was born and found it extremely hard to leave him to go to work - and I was leaving him with Grandma. When baby number 2 came we just decided that I was going to stay home. We made some sacrifices and it just worked. I just had baby 5 and there is no way I could go back to work now, I couldn't afford daycare. Nor do I want to. I feel that I have a pretty important job to raise 5 responsible little people - I just wish it paid more!

[Paula]

I also wish we could just get over the whole SAHM/WOTHM/WAHM debate, too. I've always worked outside the home. I was VERY LUCKY with both children that my parents were able to take care of them for the first 18 months. My son went to a daycare center on the campus where I worked at the time before he started school. My daugher is, until tomorrow, in a home daycare that is right across the street from us and next week starts in a new home daycare that is actually more of a preschool. She is so excited to be "going to school" and she does learn a lot from her experiences with other kids. Of course, I wish I could spend more time with her. But, we are still together every morning and after work and all weekend and I make the most of that time. I still on occasion get remarks from others like "how can you let someone else raise your children?" @#$@, that burns me. I still raise my children and if those same people who say that could live in my shoes for a day, they'd understand that. But, they don't so they just don't understand. And Oprah can NEVER understand what it is like for a mother to have to make the choice because she has never lived it. I purposely avoided that episode of Oprah because this whole issue always gets me all riled up.

[lia]

I made the choice to be a SAHM. I miss work everyday and I certainly feel like I am missing myself. I decided to take this route for a few years because I have the rest of my life to work. I am only 32 and I have years of work ahead of me.

I finally have scored a writing gig so I will be able to write from home and make a bit more money. I am so thrilled to use my brain more. In Silicon Valley this is the ultimate score!!!!

[vickie]

I so desperately wish I could be a working mom. First, because our finances would be so much better, and second, I think our boy would enjoy being in day care with other kids. He is a very fun, sociable boy. But legal issues prevent me from taking anything but minimum-wage jobs that wouldn't cover the cost of childcare.

My son's a bit past a year old and very fun to be around. But I'm finding that I still let him sit in front of the TV a lot just to be able to get away from him and breathe. I play with him on and off during the day, and he plays really well on his own.

But I have no illusions about how I'm doing as a SAHM. I know I'm not the best I can be because I don't have a choice in the matter.

[Jessica]

I am a stay at home mom. When talking about it with my husband before our first was born I truly didn't know if I wanted to stay home. My husband really wanted me to stay home. I told my husband that I would try it. He said he would support my decision either way. After my first son was born I fell so in love and couldn't imagine putting him in daycare. Staying home was right for ME and MY family. I am very happy and fulfilled being home. It is not for everyone though and I understand that. I hate when moms act like what is right for their family should be right for everyone. I just think that the moms that judge or try to push what they decided on others are just unhappy with their decision or didn't have a choice.

[Jennifer]

I'm a SAHM by choice. We planned financially for several years prior to becoming pregnant so that I could stay home. It's the right choice for our family.

I hate that this is even a debate. There is nothing wrong with working outside the home, working at home, staying at home...as long as it's the right thing to do for YOUR family.

My own mother (who was a SAHM herself) feels that I'm wasting my life and degree by staying home. Hmmph.

[Sarah]

What bothers me is how blind society is to the obvious....Oprah giving parenting advice like you said...what's sad is people will listen to her, just like a preist offering advice on marriage....you can be exposed to some issues through friends and family but until you experience it first hand don't even try to BS...Kristen and I are pros at that...hehe!

[mayberry]

My daughter is nearly 5 and I've been working her whole life (I also have a younger child). I also never considered NOT working--I like what I do, I liked our financial position and I knew I didn't have the patience and temperament to stay home full time. I've been happy with my choice. Keys for me are excellent child care, flexible work environment and understanding boss, and work I enjoy. I don't feel guilty and I have experienced little, if any, judgment. Right now I work 4 days a week exclusively from home while the kids are in child care. It's perfect for us.

[Cara]

I didn't want to go back to work, but we didn't think that we could afford for me to stay home since that would cut our income completely in half. So up until my son was 5 weeks old, I planned on going back to work.

Then we started shopping daycares. The ones we could afford were not great. After seeing 6 week old babies just sitting there in swings with no batteries, I freaked out. I think it would have been much easier if my son was a little older and could actually DO something during the day like crawl around and sit up at least. But to have him just SIT there without much, if any, interaction was just too much for me.

So we sat down with our finances, cut out a couple of things like cable and cell phones and figured out a way for me to make a little bit of money at home and here we are.

Has it been hard? Hell, yes. Have we blown through our savings account in the past 16 months? Oh yeah. But I feel like it was the right decision for us.

[Melissa]

Essentially, I made my choice. It never occurred to me to quit my job. Before baby girl was born (6 mos. old next week), I would always joke that I was going to hand our babies from my womb to husband's arms for the first 18 years, until they got interesting.
She was born and I wanted out of this new change so badly, I couldn't wait for my maternity leave to be over. I went back to work and the world was good.
And then after a couple of weeks, the cruelest joke that fate has ever cooked up happened: I still didn't want to quit my job, when I was with her I still wanted the validation of having gainful employment that I am very good at, but now when I was at the job I really, really, really wanted to be with her (nursing and expressing do not help these feelings any; I hate expressing milk).
So, now, the choice is kind of made for me. I could quit; it would be a big reduction in our household (and no more kids anytime soon, but we hadn't planned for that anyway), but we could do it by paring back. But I want to work. I would love to reduce my already 3/4 time position down more, but since I have already convinced my boss to let me do what should be a full-time position in 30 hrs a week, it just wouldn't fly trying to do it in 20 (which at this stage would be perfect).
I completely agree; I was in no way prepared for how much I would want to be home and at work at the exact same time.

[Ashley]

Right now, it is not feasible for me to be a SAHM. I want to- so very much- but I can't. Just because I work though, does not mean that I am less of a mother and that anyone spends more time with my daughter than I do. My daughter is with her sitter for 32 hours a week. Her dad and I are with her the other 136. (We cosleep so that really is true!) Do I wish I were there all day everyday- sure. Am I defense- a little! I just hate the underlying judging that I experience and sometimes read about the choice (or lack of in my case) to work.

[Reba]

My choice was made for me. It was either work and have food and diapers or not work and hope my parents paid for everything. Since I don't like to have to depend on others I worked. I was lucky enough though to have family as my daycare. That made the choice alot easier. I didn't have to be a work wondering what the daycare was doing to my child.

I am actually getting married now and will be fortunate to stay home with my next child. So I get to experience both sides. I wonder which one I will end up preferring.