Going the Gay Way

I haven't quite figured out the fear that many parents have about raising a gay child. I can think of about 1200 more challenging and time consuming issues than worrying about whether my kid is gay or not.

But alas, being straight is an obsession. Actually, it's more than that.

It's the norm.

We live in a world of forced norms. We look at runway models and television actresses and digest their size as "normal." We watch the societal progression of college, job, marriage, and kids and believe that's how it's "supposed to be."

And what then, for our different children? Our children who don't follow what we believe is "the right path." Is that so terrible? Or perhaps is it because we fear what it says about us? That the reflection of their difference somehow makes us appear incapable and failing?

And what if these differences are biological? We punish them because they can't change who they are and feel responsible for what (for the most part) we had no control over and could not change.

Um. Yeah. Makes perfect sense.

The only reason I wouldn't wish for my children to be gay would be so that they wouldn't have to suffer, hide, or be embarrassed -- that they could walk the streets and be who they are without fear.

But worry about it? Hell no.

Quite frankly, I'd take a gay son over a son who acts like my straight mother-in-law any day.

Thanks for starting the battle, MLK. Let's hope everyone keeps on fighting it.

Comments

[ian]

i came out when i was35. worried my family would disown me ! how wrong i was. I do have a lovely daughter though out of my sacrifices! She"s 18 and so great with everything, in fact choosing to live with me since she was13( 18 now) Sadly my partners mother(father passed on years ago) is a tyrant and has always made him feel worthless. He is not out to her but has taken every chance to make him unhappy. he's a VP at a top stockbrokers, she should be so proud?? Role on the day she dies, not being mean but it'll only end then! young people in this generation are so much better educated, happiness rules !

[Linda]

Amen! Well said!

[Kara]

A- to -the- MEN, girl! What a great tribute!

[Erin]

Thank you so much for putting it in terms we can relate too.

I will be sending my husband to read this.

If given the choice between his ex MIL or a gay son I am sure he would pick gay son.

[motherofbun]

Yeay! Yes, I completely agree. I wouldn't mind a gay son at all. Its the last thing I think about... Whether he's gay or straight, he is who he is. And he's got a caring heart, and a happy, optimistic, creative nature. To me, that's the most important thing.

[Reba]

I have said that I don't mind if my son grows up gay, but he better be willing to adopt because I want a grandbaby.

[Antonia]

I'd rather my daughter grew up gay than brought home some horrible spotty creepy bloke who I knew wanted to get into her underpants. Brrrrr.

[DebbieS]

Amen, sister! I'm a UU (Unitarian Universalist), and for our baby daughter's "child dedication" service, I wrote her a letter from her dad and me. In it we stated was we wished for her in life. (The whole letter is on my blog but I'm not sure how to link just to that post). In any case, we wished her love with a romantic partner of her choosing, and told her that it didn't matter if that was a man or a woman, because nobody would ever be good enough for her anyway, so she might as well pick whoever made her happy. It got a big laugh, but I really meant it.

[Chris]

I'm with you on that one. Why worry about something that you can't control in the end.
Great post!

[Sandra]

I hear you. You couldn't have said this better in my opinion. Sincerely.

I haven't been around the blogworld in a while. Congrats on the new Parenting Blogs initiative ... sounds great!

Been thinking about ya and wondering when Q's baby brother will arrive.

[CC]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks worrying about a child being gay is silly....everyone around me thinks I'm nuts for saying "so what?" (including my husband!)
What's the big deal, anyway?
Maybe I'm cooler and hipper than everyone thinks I am....
Nah, probably not. :)

[Kelly]

For real, yo.

My DH's SIL once said to me, "Wouldn't that be the worst? If your kid was gay?"

Um...no. I could think of a million things worse.

[GIRL'S GONE CHILD]

Gay isn't the norm? Really? Move on over here, lady-- where being straight is pretty much frowned upon. Even the "straight" people go "gay" from time to time. (Once upon a time...)

I have yet to meet anyone afraid to raise a gay child. Maybe Los Angeles IS a good city to raise children. Who knew?

[Jess]

People can indeed be so mean; has humanity always been so small-minded? Sometimes it's easy to forget progress that's been made; thanks to MLK for his contribution...we need more people like him today.

[mothergoosemouse]

Sing it. Loud and clear.

I've seen parental reactions run the gamut from complete acceptance to abandonment. And it pains me to see people whom I'd otherwise think were kind and caring react negatively to even the merest suggestion of "what if"?

[Her Bad Mother]

HEAR HEAR.

[Gretta]

Yup.

[tori]

I completely agree. My brother is a ballet dancer (he's not gay, but everyone assumes he is). People are sometimes cruel to him, but I am proud of him for not letting it sway who he wants to be. How sad it is that we can't just all support each other for who we are, instead of all trying to be the same. If we all succeeded in being exactly the same, what then?

[Sueb0b]

I hope that one day we will be able to look back on the gay rights issue and have it be as awful-sounding as it is now that black people weren't allowed to vote, own property in many neighborhoods, or go to some schools.

[Jessica]

I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, around here it's almost cool to be gay. I worry about my children being persecuted for other things, like having below average inteligence or something they have just as little control over.
May the fight continue until we have a world where we can be ourselves comfortably.

[Redneck mommy]

The hubs and I have had this discussion, mostly just for entertainment. Neither of us are worried about our children's sexuality. That may be because we've had to deal with a handicapped child and multiple health crises. Being gay just didn't rank in the big scheme of things, not when you deal with life and death on a regular basis.

That said, if one of our kids were gay, both of us have hoped that they will find as much happiness with their partners as we have with ours.

[Woman with Kids]

Boy 2 is very comfortable in his skin. He loves pink and purple, clothing and cries sometimes "just because the world can be sad." Whether he grows up to be gay, hetero or in between, I hope he's always this comfortable with himself.

[Mrs. Chicky]

It might sounds trite, but I think we should all wish for our kids to be happy. Whether they're gay, straight, or bi - what does that matter?

[daddy in a strange land]

La lucha continua, Kristen. Here's to everybody--every mom, dad, son, daughter, and everything in between--who's picking up the struggle.

[Frema]

I don't have kids yet, but I would also be worried about the amount of suffering they would have to go through because of the ignorant people in the world. People can be so mean.

[Johnathan]

Y'know what's cool? Thinking about all the parents I know, maybe only a handful of them have any sort of fear of having/raising a gay child. And given how much has changed in the previous 15 years, that fact should reassure them that there will be much less to worry about in another 15. (Unless, of course, the concern about societal pressures is just a feint, and it's actually the parents themselves with the issue.)

[MsPrufrock]

I have a (nearly) 6 month old, and already I am filled with worry about her in this big, bad world. However, none of those concerns revolve around her sexuality and I know they never will. It's always strange to me when I hear about parents who really can't get past their kids being gay. It also saddens me that so many stay in the closet because they think their parents wouldn't love them anymore. What a tragedy that is.