The Home Stretch: AKA When I Start to Resemble a Peace Corp Worker Home for the Holidays

Apparently I have about six weeks left, give or take the extra two they like to tack on for good measure.

You know, first it's NINE months. Then you realize it's really TEN months. And then it's "whenever the fuck the baby decides to come out" which is the part that is really great, but then also really kind of sucks -- particularly when you've been enjoying your fairly taut and in tact vagina for the last 2 years. Like my midwife reminded me, "Your vagina is just never the same after having kids."

Gulp. Thanks. Just what I needed to get me through these last few weeks.

It doesn't help that I've started to resemble the next door neighbor's 27 year old English or Psychology major who is home from a 4-year "I couldn't find a job so instead I'm doing something noble by building huts for native tribespeople in Costa Rica" stint. Or, a "Survivor" reject.

You do know what I'm talking about right?

I tried shaving my legs, but I nearly fell over in the shower. And the other parts? Well... Let's just say my nether regions and below will be cozy warm for the winter.

I'm lucky if I lotion my face let alone put any make-up on. I have yet to resort to a doo-rag, but I have gone the "put some earrings on to distract from your pallid puffy face" route. Sadly, not even sterling silver danglies can help me.

I'm watching any and all crappy shows that I can get my hands on as if I haven't seen a working television in 3 years and I'm still in shock that certain people have shows but yet just can't.look.away.must.watch.

FLAVOR FLAVVVVVVVVVVV!

And as far as clothes go, I'm wearing the same three outfits over and over. Yes. Sort of like I'm living out of a backpack in the forests of Venezuela, except my outfits would not fit in a backpack because they are so incredibly large.

I'm even wearing mountain boots. Well sort of. I mean, they're by Merrell, so I imagine they're supposed to be fairly functional. You know. Just in case I have to climb a mountain in the next few weeks, I'll be prepared. But honestly, they are the only ones that fit my feet and will close up over my gargantuan calves (from all the hiking, of course). Heh.

And I'm eating like I haven't had anything but rice, fried cockroaches, and coconut tree bark extract smoothies for the past 4,009 days. Donuts? Give me 5. Pumpkin Pie? A whole one will do me just fine.

So, I'm calling this last month of pregnancy "The Rupert Month."

Sigh. If only they paid me a cool million for wearing a really bad tie-dye shirt and facial hair.

Comments

[Catherine]

Hi,

I love the way you write, and the beauty of your blog is that I really care about you even if I live in Martinique and my mother language is French.

But I have a question.

Why are you adverse to the idea of an archive ?

Sorry for the typo and the inadequate language.

take care.

Catherine

[whymommy]

Oh, you put into words so much of what I'm feeling. After 8 months pregnant and 6 months of bed rest, I'm in the worst shape I've ever been. Last week, my mother in law did my laundry. All of it. My mom went and did the after-baby unmentionables shopping for me, and I sent my husband out to Kohl's to buy "any pregnancy shirts you can find. In a large. But not expensive, cause you're the only one going to see them anyway." Have i given up? Not sure. But I am right there with you, hairy legs and all. We'll start a new fad. Preg shirts, yoga pants, and hairy legs. Whoo-hoo!

[Fresh Mommy]

Towards the end, I could barely wipe myself after I peed so I walked around with damp underwear all day long. Yeaaaaaaaaah, that was fun. Maybe I just have short arms?

Good times. Good times. Enjoy!

[Jenn]

damn - you only have 6 weeks left, already??!! my god, I'm in some time warp, or something...so close!

Yeah, by the time babyQ was born I had one inside shirt and one outside shirt and one pair of pants.

Enjoy the hours of bad tv! :P

[CharmingDriver]

This stuff http://www.veet.us/home.shtml saved me from becoming a mountain man in the last several months. You don't have to use the little non-blade razor; I just lathered it on, waited and rinsed. It was easier, and safer, than using the bushhog I really needed.

[TB]

Hang in there girl, it's almost over.

And don't diss the do-rag. I swear by them to hide the nasty rat's nest that pregnancy has made of my hair.

[GIRL'S GONE CHILD]

OH MY GOD! You're going to have a baby SOOOOOON! Put up those fat feet and have yourself a virgin colada.

Here. From my whale-of-a-womanhood to yours:

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/2048/193/1600/19390026.1.jpg

Muah!

[Mrs. Q.]

Wishing you a smooth ride and no cankles. With #1, my feet were so swollen, no one wanted to look at them. Including me.

[Nichole]

I wore the same brand of shoes. I got the comfy sandal versions. I myself couldn't even fit into my stretchy sneakers until 4 weeks after I shot my baby out of my body.

It'll be over before you know it. Chin up and live it up while you can.

[Kate]

I soooo know what you mean, and DO NOT miss it! That was like me last year at this time. I had my baby on 1/6/06.

[kim]

It will be over soon hunny lol
I wish I could send you some fuzzy socks and a cheesecake *hugs*
and believe it or not you will look back on this and laugh, while you hold your perfect angel and try to remember what all the fuss was about :)

[Jeni]

Hang in there.

[Redneck mommy]

I was two weeks plus some overdue with my daugher and big as a freaking Cadillac. I couldn't bend over to reach my feet to put my socks on, even if I sat down. Shaving down there was out of the question.

The darling hubs was supposed to do it the night I went into labour, but then things got going and it didn't happen.

The nurses still refer to my tree trunk legs that resembled that of a very large hairy Bigfoot.

And that ain't saying anything about the girly parts...

Hang in there, soon your vagina will be back to it's "NEW NORMAL" and your legs will be visible for you to de-hair...

[karyn]

Oh , bladder control. Yeah. I forgot about that. That DOES go down the crapper.

Nevertheless, you are fabulous. Don't forget it.

YOU ARE A PRECIOUS VESSEL! (Try saying that with a straight face.)

[Christina]

Aw hell, I guess I have no hope then, since at 4 months I've already given up on the nether region detail and I'm wearing the same three tops to work each week, and the same stretch pants on my days off.

It'll all be over soon, and hopefully any damage to the hoo-ha will be minimal. After all, you've already stretched it out once, so it should be ready for it again this time. (If I go for a vaginal birth this time, though, it'll be a different story, since mine is still in its pre-baby state.)

I don't suppose the huz would be up for shaving your legs, would he?

[Her Bad Mother]

I went one week past my due date and I thought that my head would blow off.

Re: neglect of depilative (sp?) duties? Just be thankful that you can't SEE down there, to the gnarly underbrush. You want to save that moment for later, after birth, when you can contemplate the sorry state of affairs below your waist in all its glory...

Am I being downer-iffic? Sorry. i meant to say something about the MIRACLE AND BEAUTY OF BIRTH.

(You are, of course, gorgeous, furry legs and all. :))

[ali]

what i wouldn't give to see a giantly pregnant woman on survivor...

[Marti]

Sorry for not stopping by. Been working and just finished a new novel. I'm sure you are BEAUTIFUL!

I hope you had a wonderful weekend. I wanted to say hello to everyone on my blogroll, and wish them well, because this was Thanksgiving weekend, and I am grateful for my Internet friends!

[Marti]

Sorry for not stopping by. Been working and just finished a new novel. I'm sure you are BEAUTIFUL!

I hope you had a wonderful weekend. I wanted to say hello to everyone on my blogroll, and wish them well, because this was Thanksgiving weekend, and I am grateful for my Internet friends!

[Lady M]

Almost there! Hang in there.

And by the way - the Cool Mom Picks holiday guide is terrific.

I wore the same pair of black sweatpants to work every day for the last month. Came home from work on the last day, had dinner, and went straight to the hospital.

[Melissa]

I wore flip-flops my last two months with Nata. Oh and the same two shirts over and over again. I was shocked I had feet after she was born, it had been so long since i"d seen them. And girl you husband is out of town and it's winter, I wouldn't worry about you nether regions. Just Sayin. 6 weeks, holy crap...oh sorry.

[Dana]

My vagina has never been the same either. Nor my bladder. I hate the bladder part. I swear I can't hold it for more than a minute or I'll pee my pants. Childbirth really fucks things up, but that beautiful baby is so worth it.

[Mom101]

Why, I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. My vagina is as pristine and lovely as it ever was.

[karyn]

Sweet girl, you look fantastic no matter what you do. Your privates will go au naturel and you will enjoy your most comfortable pregnancy uniform and - God help us all - as to the elasticity of your Vajayjay... Well. The first baby does most of the damage. If Q. was a C-Section then this pending birth will be scaring the holy living shit out of you, but it really is okay. It may never be the same, but that doesn't mean it will be worse.

Plus, nobody tells you what childbirth does for your joints. How shall I put this. I am now way more flexy than I used to be.

You're right. Screw "pregnant" or "expecting"... Women who get through this are all survivors!

How's THAT for a reality show... that'll send the XY chromosome contingent running to be voted off the island. Hahaha.

[Mrs. Chicky]

Hey, I really like those boots.

Get hairy, start speaking French and eat lots of cheese and bread. Why not, right?

[Deb]

Ah yes, well in the spirit of one upping the poor pregnant lady, I only had ONE count 'em ONE jumper that would fit me that last three weeks of baby number three.

Seriously sweetpea, it will be over soon and hurray a really sweet little baby person will be here too!

[Anne Glamore]

My sister's baby is 9 weeks old, and she is TOTALLY caught up on the Food Network.

The gestation, it finally ended. Hooray!

[mothergoosemouse]

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I loooooooved Rupert.

And also, if it makes you feel any better, at least you're not still dragging your pregnant arse to work - literally running up Second Ave. to catch the M66 because you can't handle the stairs in the subway any longer, no matter how comfortable your shoes are.

Not that I would know or anything.

[Bobita]

Oh lordy how I remember those last few weeks...I'm not at all jealous! But I totally shed an empathetic tear for you just now!!

I had to wear my husband's ratty old flipflops the last two months of my second pregnancy. Nothing, absolutely nothing, else would fit my GINORMOUS feet! I might have actually traded my furry nethers for a nice pair of Merrells!!

Heh!

[Suebob]

I am sure you look better puffy and pregnant than I look on my best day.

Enjoy the pumpkin pie!