Just When I Thought I Had This Parenting Thing Down

We sort of already had the discussion about "the little white lie." And actually, I thought I was doing pretty well - you know, getting her to eat chicken, diffusing potential tantrums, and heck, making like just a little easier.

Even Mary J. was wondering if she was the only one telling a little white lie.

Am I the only one who takes batteries out of electronic toys because she hates them, and then tells the kids that electronic toys break really really fast because they're not as good as regular toys?

Well, according to my last post on the issue, Mary is not the only one. However, after asking Moxie about it, I'm reconsidering my original stance, although, if you read down, apparently food related white lies are "on the fence" when it comes to questionability.

Lying to your kids, even telling white lies, is a dangerous proposition that's almost always more trouble than it's worth. One lies leads to another lies leads to another lie, and pretty soon you'll be dressed up like your brother in the middle of your own little domestic Shakespearean comedy. Kids aren't stupid, so the chances that you'll get busted are high, and then your credibility will be shot.

You can argue the George Costanza line that "It's not a lie if you really believe it," but that mostly works with bosses and lovers and the IRS. Not so much with little kids. As soon as you say "the toy is broken," they'll fish it out of the recycling tub and there it will be, right back in your living room again. You'll tell them "I never did drugs," and they'll be pumping your sister for information on how you got baked and listened to Phish all day the summer you were 15. Once they know you've been lying to them, they have no qualms about lying to you. And they'll argue with you about everything, because they'll think everything you tell them could be a lie.

You're also busted if you let your kids hear you telling any of the social lies we all tell to make things easier. They have huge ears and even bigger mouths, so you'll be backpedaling your way out of a nasty situation when your 5-year-old tells your MIL that "Mommy said we had to go to an ice cream social last week, but she told Daddy she couldn't eat another mouthful of your disgusting food anymore." That'll ruin Thanksgiving dinner.

The only lies you can really get away with around kids are food-related. If you chew really quickly, then "There are no more brownies, honey" isn't actually a lie. And "Daddy must have eaten them all before he left for work" isn't going to hurt anyone. Is it?

So, what do you think about this? Does it change your mind about those little white lies, or do you still think they're fairly harmless? Leave me a comment and let me know. And if you have an "Am I the Only One?", email me. Check out the archives for past "episodes."

Comments

[jaelithe]

Hmm, when I tell my son that Thomas the Tank Engine has to go to sleep at night in his box just like little boys have to go to sleep in their beds, is that lying or useful pretending?

[Michelle]

I don't lie to my kids and sometimes I think maybe I am being a little too honest. And at 2 and 4 they haven't felt the need to lie to me yet and I hope we don't have to cross that bridge anytime soon. Although I do still let them believe in Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. Growing up I had a friend whose parents didn’t let her believe in these things because they felt it was lying to your children. But then again she didn’t get to play with Barbie either because she got naked so I think they took it to the extreme.

[Kristen]

So, why not just say "You can't have toys today" - or "We can't go to the park right now?" but we can do this.

Or perhaps give choices - like "You can't have toys but you can play with this" etc...

I don't think it's a matter of reasoning.

[Anonymous]

Huh. I think the lies like "the park is closed now" are all right. As are "I don't have money for toys" and "there are no cookies for you."

It's a matter of outsmarting really little kids who cannot be reasoned with. The older they get, the more they can handle the unvarnished truth.

[mothergoosemouse]

I do agree with Moxie. She makes some good points about the potentially unexpected backlash of lying, even when you're doing it for their own good.

I think it's a matter of providing sufficient information to answer the question without having verbal diarrhea. Pretend you're a reluctant witness under cross-examination. Give only the information which is specifically requested.