Apparently Gloria Steinem Wanted My Number After All

Be careful what you say on your blog. Because someone other than people trying to get porn pictures from your breastfeeding posts might actually be reading it.

Take a few weeks ago when I got this email with "Maybe Gloria wants your number after all" in the subject. I assumed it was in response to my post in which I shamelessly name dropped Ms. Steinem as a take off another post. And while I almost sent it straight to my spam retirement home fearing an offer for "Free Craz Y SE X X," I took a peek. Hell. He actually had a real name - as opposed to "Marrkus Willbeey" or "Angella Cummingss," so why not?

And wouldn't you know, it was not spam, but rather an invitation to check out one of Gloria Steinem's new projects, Green Stone Media - [talk] radio by women for women. And after discussing the amazing similarities between blogging and radio, as well as the great line-up, including Mo Gaffney, Lisa Birnbach, and Rolonda Watts, he didn't disappoint. Because while Gloria didn't necessarily want my number, he did give me hers.

Yes. You read that correctly. This afternoon I spoke with Gloria Steinem. Granted, there were about 12 other people on the phone, but still. It's Gloria Steinem.

And so, when actually given the opportunity to talk to THE Gloria Steinem what exactly do you say?

"Um, hi, Ms. Steinem. Feminists rock. WOO. Oh, and I love your book."

Or better...

"Ur, my husband thought you were Anderson Cooper's mother. Heh." (That would be Gloria VANDERBILT and yes he did actually say that).

Hey. Memorable, right?

But then, what do you say to Gloria Steinem when you have a napless toddler, a babysitter who had to leave early, and the distinct feeling that at any point during the phone conversation your child will decide to throw the biggest tantrum ever thrown by a child smaller than 36 inches?

Well, you rely on the ever popular feminist dvd Lady and the Tramp: Lesbian Life Partners (heh) and a big bucket of strawberries, and you write down exactly what you are going to say, including pauses, ums, and breaths. And then, when the DVD stops working and your daughter decides NOW would be the time to take a huge gigantic SHIT, you gently place the phone down, put the DVD on your computer, and actually allow her to sit in it like she usually likes to do anyway.

Yes people. My daughter ate an entire container of strawberries and sat in a huge gigantic poopy for 35 minutes while I talked to Gloria Steinem. If that isn't the epitome of feminist motherhood, then damnit, I don't know what is.

But aside from all that, I did actually get a question out pertaining to the trend of strong feminist blog readers who would never put up with crap or inequality in the workplace but can't get their husbands to change a diaper or better, pull their own weight at home.

Hello co-parenting? Where the hell are you?

Hey. I rant about my husband around here and for the most part, save a few of you lucky ones, you all tell me how much YOU do and how little your spouse does. ROCK ON! Revolution sister. We aren't gonna take it.

But yet, WE DO.

So here are Gloria's thoughts (paraphrased and transcribed from my ridiculously messy notes):

Until men are stuck with infants, then we've got our work cut out for us. We've been adapting to a man's world for years and proving that we can do just what they can. Problem is, they're not coming into ours. And perhaps, we're not letting them.

So, what do we do?

Make sure our kids see loving nurturing dads that don't just sit around on their asses drinking beer and eating nachos (okay, I added that part). Seek active male role models, male caretakers for your kids, and male cooks and maids (okay, added that too). They need to see dads "in the trenches of fatherhood."

Be aware of your "get of of my kitchen" mindset. It doesn't have to be perfect. Just let it get done and LET THEM DO IT.

And, leave them alone with the kid. Go away. Get out. They'll figure it out. Something will kick in. And start early. Don't wait until their 13.

But truly, Gloria was more inspiring than I could have imagined and a strong supporter of the work we do as blogging women - not only because it is an exciting new medium but also because of its similarities to radio in building a community and connecting people through stories.

So really, it wasn't just my number that Gloria wanted. It's ALL of ours. Listen if you choose. Keep writing because YOU MUST.

Comments

[want to be thin]

Did you know that over 30% of USA families are run by single parenting households? We all know that single parenting is a difficult job. However, children residing in single parenting homes usually have it more difficult because they are deprived of the full time guidance and direction of two parents, which is so essential for their moral, spiritual and character growth.

[nina]

That is so very cool. I'm so envious. What a great thing for her to do. And I agree with everybody that you asked a really important question.

[mothergoosemouse]

YES. Love the notes from the call, because more women need to hear it. More women need to ACT on it.

[Ruth Dynamite]

Congratulations on your chit chat with Ms. Ms. I LOVE that these conversations about women and women's roles are now snowballing. Thanks for doing your part to encourage the discussion!

[Glennia]

Congratulations! Truly an awesome moment for you and for Gloria. Thanks for sharing your take on it. Gloria's book "Revolution from Within" is a fantastic book for all people, not just women.

[Dawn]

There was an amazing article in Young Children many years ago, called "Of Babies and Baseballs" - which essentially called women to task for not Allowing men to be competant in caregiving. And I believe it to be true. I did it to Terrance - I would snatch her from him in exasperation and her would hand her over...then I would get infuriated at the fact that I was doing everything.

I wonder if part of Feminisim is Letting GO - Truly letting go and allowing men into our domains.

[Jayne]

You are such a super star! GS is one of my heroes in life, so wise, funny, irreverant and practical. I love an older story I heard about her, that when "accused" of being a lesbian by a male reporter, she didn't deny it (even though she is straight) but instead replied, "are you my alternative?" Classic.

I am so proud of you! And thanks for sharing her good advice. Letting men do so called "women's work" is a lesson we can all probably use.

[Overwhelmed!]

Kristen, I followed a link over to this post from Liz's blog.

I'm so amazed that you got to speak on the phone with Gloria Steinmen and can I say that I think her advice is 100% dead on!

Don't hate me, but I have one of "those" husbands. He stays at home and takes care of our son when I'm working FT outside of our home. He also does contract work from home to add to our family income.

From the day our son was born, he has changed diapers, taken his shift of night feedings (we bottle fed), and has mastered the art of the day-to-day caring of our child. He has even learned, with the advice and encouragement of other mothers he's met at playgroups, to dress our son in coordinating outfits. :)

Now, believe me, there are certain things that we disagree on because our parenting styles aren't exactly the same (close, but not quite) but I've had to learn to accept that just because it's not being done MY way, it doesn't mean it's the wrong way. I do my best to keep my mouth shut in those situations because I know that the bottom line is that our son is thriving being at home with his daddy.

I guess I'm sharing this because I truly believe that Gloria's advice to "leave them alone with the kid" is quite sound. Our husbands ARE capable of caring for our children and when they do, they set such a fantastic example for them!

Sorry to hijack your post. :)

[kristin]

Fantastic! I am so proud of you (I know, that sounds lame) for getting in a seriously good question and feedback... very very cool!

[tracey]

Aaaaaaaaaah! I can't beleive it. Kay, friggin' fantastic question and she answered it like the true f-goddess that she is! Perfect. I am inspired.
I'm just so thrilled for all of you getting to be in on that, I could pee my pants. I mean poop my pants. Hey, at least Q used the potty.

[Lisa B]

SO excited that you got to talk to her. Oh My God!

But you have to ask her: We're supposed to let our husbands take care of our children by themselves -- the sooner the better. But what about when you leave the hubby and the baby for six hours and you come home to a screaming infant and a whiney hubby. And after a few questions, you realize? The child is screaming because YOUR HUSBAND FORGOT TO FEED THE CHILD FOR THE PAST 6 HOURS?

Hope that diaper "held like to Hoover dam."

[Michele]

Very cool! I had the opportunity to hear Gloria Steinem speak about 10 years ago in St. Paul, MN. She was awesome!

[TB]

It's so incredible that you got to speak with her. And thanks so much for representing us so well and asking such great question.

[Adela]

Funny that she said to just leave and let the men handle it. Yesterday I had a meeting and my husband stayed with my 10 month old daughter. One hour into it I get a frantic phone call. Full of good intention, he decided to give her a bath. While he filled the tub he left her naked in her crib. She pooped and rolled around in it, stepped on it, smeared it on her crib, etc. I have one word for this: KARMA

[Heather]

Wow! Congratulations! This is awe-inspiring. I'm going to post on this topic on my blog right now.

[Stacy]

Your daughter sat in a big ol' turd for 35 mintutes? That's classic! LOLOLOLOLOL!

Congrats on the interview. You rock lady. Whooooooo hooooo!

[fizzle]

girl, you're going places. an we keep in touch so i can say i knew you when?

[Bobita]

Conversation with Gloria, Mother Superior of the Feminist Movement: Awe inspiring!

Getting to ask her a really important question: Thought-Provoking!

Knowing that your daughter was happily sitting in a poopy diaper the whole while: Priceless!

[Izzy]

Well whattaya know? Gloria Steinem and I are of one mind! I've said it many times... Leave the men to sink or swim. They'll be fine and the kids will probably be no worse for wear, either.

How totally awesome that you got to speak with the high priestess of feminism herself! Seriously, hashing out the inequalities of parenting with GS is like talking about peace with the Dalai Lama. Way to go!

[FishyGirl]

Wow! I would not have been able to speak, my mouth would have been so dry, even with a script, and I'm a tawker!

And I am embarking on a fit of pride right now that the advice GS gave is exactly what I tend to give, too, though I can't pretend to have come up with it on my own - some very nice nurse in the hospital right after Trout was born and pooped for the first time happened to be in the room when it happened, and grabbed a diaper and threw it to my husband. When he caught it, she said there ya go, change a diaper. He looked absolutely bewildered - had never done such a thing in his life. She said, you gotta do it just like she does.

That's stayed with me a long long time, and I applied it to almost everything else except feeding. The best night, though, was when the third baby woke up one night hungry and DH got her up and latched her on, and I didn't wake up until later wondering how the hell she got there. Beautiful moment.

Great job and great post, Kristen.

[nonlineargirl]

At home parity is a great thing to address with GS. Nice work. And I'd totally have done the same about the poop. Hell, I've done that to facilitate calls with lesser luminaries.

[something blue]

That sounds like the all-time best conference call ever! So very cool.

[Mrs. Chicky]

I think even with a script I would have turned into a blubbering idiot.

A pooping in my pants, blubbering idiot.

You rock, sista. Congrats on your amazing interview.

[dear wife]

Wow that is so cool. And what good advice she gave, so true. I have learned that if I want ZD to do the dishes I have to relax my standards and let them sit for a couple days in the sink. It may take him longer to do something, but then I do not have to do it and that is worth the wait. We will see what happens with the kid, but I hope for the best.

[Mother]

MD ~

Gloria told us she was raised by her dad - and while he wasn't the most adept father in the world, he was fairly involved. And she said that she knew how much he loved her - and that did wonders. Seeing that knew the potential men had with children.

I use men collectively - most definitely (and particularly in the blogosphere) I've encountered the most amazingly involved dads I've ever known - through reading their blogs and reading their partners' blogs. But I think generally speaking, there is a sense (be it fear, discomfort, lack of education and skill) that women are stronly responsible for the parenting in society.

And I think her notion was that it's not just because men suck that spoke to me (and I've said this before). It could do with the fact that we want to do it ourselves because we don't want to let go.

However, I wish that was my case. I'm all for letting go.

The best parenting advice I've gotten thus far is from my BFF who has no kids.

Go figure.

[MetroDad]

I have to admit. I've always had a little crush on Gloria Steinem. Is it wrong to say out loud that she's hot feminist?

I found her perspective on parenting pretty interesting. As far as I know, she doesn't have any children, does she? Not that one needs to have kids to understand the work/life/marriage balance but there is something to be said for living in the trenches.

So cool that you spoke to her, Kristen!

[wordgirl]

Men refusing to come into our world is really the crux of the problem, now that we've proven we can move quite well in "theirs".

[MotherPie]

I'm so glad I came across this [post today. It is wonderful. I hadn't visited your site in quite awhile.

Her words are worth noting and I'm glad you did.

[Her Bad Mother]

When she told that story about the woman she knew who just up and left her kid with husband for, like, weeks, we all LAUGHED. I thought that that was remarkable. No gasping or tut-tutting. We laughed. Cause we could all relate, and we all loved the image.

Your question hit a good nerve.

[mamatulip]

That is so freakin' cool. YOU are so freakin' cool.

[Binky]

I will not accept responsibility for my husband's unwillingness to co-parent. I take the let-him-do-it approach Gloria suggests, and what do I have to show for it? One pissed off husband who won't give me any sex. Therefore, any advice for me to withhold sex until he changes a diaper won't work, either. He simply does not agree that he NEEDS to parent. He needs to work, manage our finances, and take care of all home repair and automotive needs. EVERYTHING else is my domain. At least now he actually seems to like the baby, which is a vast improvement. Anyway, congrats on all the opportunities you're discovering!

[karyn]

Who's the lucky one - you or Gloria?

I'd have been petrified. Um yeah - I quit my job to stay home because I had a nervous breakdown working full time and sleeping 3 hours per night and doing everything at home.

I think Gloria would make me turn in my ovary-holder card.

Still, very cool.

[J.]

Wow!
I would've been the one pooping my drawers - not my daughter.

Very cool!

[Lady M]

Wow, what an amazing opportunity. I'm so glad that you got to speak with her!

>>leave them alone with the kid. Go away. Get out. They'll figure it out.

So true. I actually know this from the other side of things, because my husband is the alpha parent between us. The days where he took off for an outing? Those were the ones where I figured it out and learned what to do.

[Kvetch]

Ok, I thnk you are a rock star now for sure. I feel like I talked to Gloria Steinem because YOU did. And that's what a community is all about -- learning from eachother -- learning for eachother -- and being supportive, which you always are. Oh but the Gloria Vanderbilt comment was better than the poopy DVD extravaganza. I've thought for a very long time that co-parenting needed to be a buzz word in the world of married or partnered parents --- not just in the world of the divorced or estranged.

[Kristin]

That is so very very cool. I am a tad jealous, both of your baby's barrel of strawberries and the fact that Gloria Steinem was on the other end of your phone line. Brilliance.

[krista]

How amazing and cool is that!?? Wow.