Tom Cruise, Anyone?

Okay. So maybe we're all tired of TomKat. But considering we have yet to see proof of Baby Suri from anyone other than another Scientologist, I figured I wanted to hear Ayun's take on the whole thing. Plus, she mentions Johnny Depp about 4 times and that makes me want to lick her.

And if you have no idea who Ayun is, read this.

One has to sign up for Time Warner Cable to get reliable television reception in my neighborhood, so sadly, I have never witnessed the miracle of his infamous jumping on the couch Oprah freak-out. I did catch some of the exhaustive, populist analysis to which that spectacle – and all things TomKat related – was subjected on my guilty pleasure, a nasty and oft-hilarious celebrity smackdown blog called D-listed. The general feeling there was that that Tom is gay (and insane), Katie is on the payroll, and the fetus, when it came out, would be hailed as the Alien Prince of Scientology.

I have to admit, Tom has never been one of my boyfriends. (I’m more the Johnny Depp in pirate drag type, with a side of Alan Rickman and some Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting for dessert.) If he thinks he’s recapturing his youthful sex appeal by knocking Brooke Shields’s post-partum depression meds or humping Katie’s leg every time the cameras are turned on , he’s mistaken. I was perhaps most sicked-out when I heard that he’d purchased a state-of-the-art sonogram machine for Katie’s home use. That to me, is far more unseemly than letting a nipple slip out of one’s Golden Globes gown.

I like to think that in Tom’s shoes, Johnny Depp would have donated that expensive piece of equipment to some low-income teen parenting center and told Vanessa Paradis to set a good example by making an appointment, same as all the other expectant moms. To tell you the truth, I don’t really care very much about Tom Cruise, other than to be glad he’s not the father of my children, because he seems like an utter a-hole.

Comments

[thebizofknowledge]

I stumbled across your blog while I was in the process of doing some online research. No one questions that T.C. is talented, but he does seem to have an ego the size of Texas, doesn't he?

[Stacy]

Interesting that you say Suri is the Prince(cess) of Sceientology. A friend of mine/editor of a major gossip mag gave me the real scoop several months ago: Suri has been spawned from the seed of the king of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard.

[Mary]

Alan Rickman in Truly, Madly, Deeply. Heaven.

[Waya]

I've been a Johny Depp fan since "21 Jump Street", remember that show?! He's just too cool!

[Karla]

Hate Tom Cruise. To quote/paraphrase the late, great, Madeline Cahn, "I hate him so much. Flames. The side of my face. Heaving, HEAVING breaths." What can I say? I'm not into robots.

But I'm a freak. I mean, I didn't think Johnny Depp was even remotely attractive until I saw "Cry-Baby" again this June. I think Peter Coyote is kinda hot, for god's sake.

[Melissa]

I've never been a fan of his either. The sonogram was over the edge and also the giant pacifier he supposedly gave her to help her not scream. If it had been me, I would have shoved it up his ass and then.....never mind.

I am a big fan of Johnny Depp as a pirate, but not the rest of the time. Not sure why. I also like Orlando Bloom, but mostly with elf ears. I think I might be a freak.

[mamatulip]

I've never, ever liked Tom Cruise. All of this crap just cements that for me.

[VirtualSprite]

Oh, so true! It is extremely creepy... that whole pregnancy thing was just weird.

But I am extremely grateful to find other women who find Alan Rickman sexy! Oh, I do adore him...

[VirtualSprite]

Oh, so true! It is extremely creepy... that whole pregnancy thing was just weird.

But I am extremely grateful to find other women who find Alan Rickman sexy! Oh, I do adore him...

[melissa b.]

"(I’m more the Johnny Depp in pirate drag type, with a side of Alan Rickman and some Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting for dessert.)"

You, StarWidget, and me...loving that 3 course meal.

[karyn]

I kept hoping baby Suri and Brooke's baby Grier would have the same pediatrician and that they'd have appointments on the same day and that Brooke would catch one glimpse of pretty-boy Cruise, throw down and knock his ass (gay or not) to the floor and thump him soundly until he was choking on his big preternaturally white chiclet teeth, while she screamed, "Do you believe in Postpartum Depression NOW?"

But she's a better person than I am.

Which isn't saying much, I'll grant you.

[Lori]

Oh, Tiny Tom is most definitely GAY. Gayer than Star Jones Reynolds' Big Gay Al. That's pretty damn gay.

And I am, and always have been, on Team Pillow all the way when it comes to that "pregnancy." If you Google it, you can find a photo montage that someone put together of Katie Holmes in various weeks of the purported gestation -- and it's totally obvious that she was not pregnant. Like, in Week 28 she's yooooge, but Week 29? Barely showing.

Please.

[Mother]

HAHAHA

"Trip on the crazy train"

No kidding.

[sunshine Scribe]

Oh ya. Don't care and so am glad that he is not the father of my children. He's never been one of my boyfriends either so his trip on this crazy train is not a big surprise ot me.

[StarWidget]

"(I’m more the Johnny Depp in pirate drag type, with a side of Alan Rickman and some Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting for dessert.)"

We have the EXACT same taste... ;) How did we both end up with men who have only the ability to constrast and criticize and RARELY the ability to compliment? Perhaps this is indication that I will have beautiful, wonderful children. I'll hold onto that.

Also, Tom Cruise is nuts... I ignore him. It's better for my anxiety (which apparently can be fixed by vitamins, also - how amazing those things must be.)

[heidi]

Ew. He was one of my boyfriends in the TopGun through Interview with the Vampire era, but I dumped him previous to the public explosion of insanity. I am, however, morbidly obsessed with TomKat. I think it's because I fear for Miss Katie, and sorry, I just can't call her Kate. Then the ultrasound thing sent me through the roof. There's medical evidence that they can cause adverse effects, and he wants one in his HOUSE? That's so irresponsible. Not only could it have hurt the little alien baby, but it sets a terrible example that they are toys. (Now I'm not saying it's like popping baby into the microwave, and I'm not sure why sound waves could hurt a fetus, but there are studies.) Not to mention the bad, bad thing he did for the media-watching-segment-of-society's view of post-partum depression. Brooke should've beat him up.

Excuse me whilst I fill my head with happy thoughts of sexy junkies, rum-reeking pirates, and suicidal british robots.

[joy]

i am with you on the "tom cruise has never been on of my boyfriends" thing... ever. so i feel smug and validated.
i too am a huge depp fan (luster) and ALSO like rickman (hate to make you hate, but my huz is rickman-esque, and is often told so. but he's also been told he looks like tom green, so.....)