What's Worse than a Bowl of Deep Fried Pickles on a Bed of Brown Lettuce?

I thought I was going to get off scot free on this one. You know, sneak under radar and not get caught. But alas, I have been had. And so I give you the list of things I can't stand.

1. People who leave their cell phones on during events such as weddings, conference sessions, funerals, and orchestra concerts, even when reminded several times.

2. When you send a nice personal email to someone and you only ever hear from them through crappy spam emails.

3. People who use incredibly bizarre spellings of common names. Way to make life just a little harder for your kid.

4. No writing in greeting cards. What? You can't say "Hey, how are you?"

5. No eye contact when you're talking to me. You don't have to stare, but can you at least pretend like you're listening.

6. Hanging up and not leaving a message and then wondering why I didn't call you back.

7. Sending a nice gift package to someone and NEVER hearing whether they got it or not.

8. Pantyhose with open-toed shoes. And really, pantyhose in general.

9. Gum, bones, etc. that people take out of their mouth indiscreetly and lay on their plate while they're eating. Or even better, when they put the gum on the can of soda they are drinking. Dude. I'll give you another piece of gum. THROW IT AWAY.

10. People who say "oh you're from JOISEY."  No one from Jersey talks like that. NOT ONE.

11. People who leave comments like "Cool" or "Nice" on epicly awesome posts.

12. People who say "yes" to "are you ready to order?" but then sit there, proceed to read the menu, ask 14 questions about the entrees, and then decide they need more time.

13. Crappy salad veggies at a restaurant. That tomato is a white/green and that lettuce is BROWN. Would you eat that?

14. People who use the wrong words for obvious things. Like certain not-blood related family members who call "tights" ... "leotards."

15. People who make silly assumptions about music therapy like "Oh, you sing songs for sick people" or "How nice to sing for the old folks."

16. People who don't live in Mississippi and have never been to Mississippi and then try to tell me that Mississippi isn't that bad.

17. People that don't get it when I tell them I taught at a university or they ask why I would come here for a job like "that" -- an assistant professor of music position.

18. People who continue to think my daughter is a boy even when she is dressed in pink and then suggest I get her ears pierced and put a bow in her hair so people can tell.

19. When people insult Asians (or any folks of color) right in front of me (including those same not-blood related folks). I wrote a book on multiculturalism people. HELLO.

20. When people come to my blog and complain about the "racy" content and bad words. Note the title of the blog people.

Comments

[Sharon]

LOL..."Singing for the old folks"...Now I get, "I need some 'musical therapy'" or "They have a major for that?". Speaking as someone who interviewed for the same teaching job in Mississippi, I gotta say...you're right, it isn't the greatest place on earth. But then, look at me...I'm in friggin' Indiana! Funny stuff, my friend!

[Silly Hily]

Oh how I hate pantyhose with a burning passion!

[Linzy]

Strangely enough people always thought my boys people were girls. I'd have them all decked out in blue or sports themed outfits (all they have for baby boys) but people would still refer to them as she or her. Um hello? They didn't have hair either or I might have been able to understand it. The only thing more I could have done was put little ball caps on their heads but I hate hats so. People aren't very observant because they would also think they were twins. Notice the huge difference in size anyone?

[sweatpantsmom]

#2: I finally sent this friend an email that said, "Hey, nitwit - I get my OWN solicitations from MoveOn.org - you don't have to send me yours."

That was last week. I haven't heard from her since. Hmmmm...

[Elizabeth]

I agree with all of these, but #18-Yes! Kaitlyn can be wearing a pink DRESS, holding a pink blanket, and she has delicate feminine features, and I get "boy? Girl?" Come ON.

[Jolie Athlone]

I was just telling another blogger the other day that I dig your site because you talk about vaginas, sex and whatever else comes to mind. You completely live up to your name and it rocks my world.

I can't deal with the cultural/ethnic insults either. I used to teach developmental writing classes to English as a second language students at a local college and people would ask me "Why are you trying to help those people stay here?" Pathetic.

[Beth Ritter-Guth]

I love your blog. I love this list. Free speech...whatta blast. If they don't like the bad words, they can just log off.

In any case, my son has cerebral palsy and gets music therapy...this is how he has learned to speak.

[karyn]

RE: # 18

This works in reverse as well. I have two sons, both of whom have been referred to as "She" and whose hair has been called "her hair". I don't know where the confusion is; their highly non-androgynous, classic Man's Man kind of names, the blue clothes, the trucks they carry, the shouts of "HE'S HITTING ME!" or what.

I used to think I was incredibly, unfailingly liberal and who cares about the gender thing... Then I had boys. Now I am THIS CLOSE to embroidering little phalluses on their outerwear to eliminate the confusion in future.

Harrumph.

Oh, and 14. *shudder* How about a bigtime boss director type who calls, refers to, and spells reference to the top compartment in his desk like this: "DRAW". Prospective employees become PERSPECTIVE employees. Idea has an R on the end and there are others who murder the language thus: Chimney becomes Chimley, Supposedly becomes supposably and caulking becomes corking.

I think I'm going to have a little lie-down now.

[Izzy]

"Racy" content? Singing to the old folks? lololol...pretty hate-able, indeed.

[Melissa]

Cool! Missississippi is not all that bad! lol

[Stacy]

That no EC (eye contact) thing can be so annoying! In my experience, I've found that most of these people, although seem extremely arrogant, are actually very insecure and self conscious. If you even mention the lack of EC you are getting from them, it’s bound to be even more insecurity issue for them. I’ve done it. He, he. Yeah, yeah, I’m terrible... Praying on the arrogant and insecure. So sue me. I live in the Hamptons. They’re everywhere.

[Mayberry]

Thank you for #10. I only lived there (NJ, that is) for 5 years, but hearing that bugged the crap out of me. And the names. There's a child at my kids' school named "Airika." Puzzle that one out. Ugh!

[Dawn]

As an early childhood person, Please do not buden your children with mispelled names. That is just unkind.

And Pantyhose with open toes shoes. If you ever see me do such a thing, I am begging you to take me down quick.

Racy content - HAHA! What's some lube, vibrator and crotch couture between friends?

[JChase]

I'm with ya, Kristen! But, I must admit to having worn panty hose with open-toed shoes.

Alot.

I feel so ashamed!

:)

[dear wife]

Oh I hate when people spell their children's names in weird ways. It is definately one of my pet peeves. I unfourtunately use the wrong word all the time. I have a learning disability and this is one of the fun quirks it has given me. It drives me nuts that people think I am stupid when I do this. I guess we kind of have opposite peeves on that one.

[Melissa]

Kristen, I love your list. I thought I'd just say cool list and leave it at that. But I wouldn't want you tho hate me.

The name one kills me. Ashley should never be Ashuhlee. There is nothing cute about it.

[Kris]

shit. I just realized when you click on my name, you go to the completely wrong site. So Sorry about that. Fixed.

[Kris]

I can totally relate to #18. I don't know why, but some people just instist that my daughter is a BOY, even if she is wearing a pink dress (maybe with a ruffle or bow) and has her hair in cute little girl pig tails.

It drives me nuts!

Okay-you see the pink dress.

You see the pig-tails!

You see the Bows!!

She is a girl!!!

(sigh)
Yeah, that irritates me more than I let on.

Also, who cares about the racy content and 'bad words'. jesus christ.

I applaud you for being REAL. It's one of the things that makes me come back to your site.

[jozet]

Oh c'mon...Mississippi isn't all that bad.

;-)

I agree 100% on the panty hose thing. Hobbles of the patriarchy.

[Gwen]

I can get behind you on everything but the "leotards" thing. I have a mom from Dublin and I think it must be from her. I don't use it all the time however. As for the racy content, I am thinking I need to start another blog so I can be racy. The grandparents of my son might not appreciate my mind voice.

[nonlineargirl]

Pantyhose, feh. I now have the horrible visual in my head of the secretary of an ex-boss of mine. She routinely wore black hose with white sandals.

Why strangers think that I would care whether they can tell that my child is a girl, I do not know. People seem so concerned that kids be correctly identified. Then again, those same people wear pantyhose.

[Kathleen Marie]

Wow do we have a lot in common. This is a great list and after reading your list it makes me feel that being "stranded" isn't always that bad, except when the temperature here in the mountains is suppose to reach 102 degrees today! Global Warming anyone?! Stop using those spray cans!

[Ben]

Cool/Nice

I only started reading this about a week ago and I just wanted to say I absolutely love your writing voice. #13 pisses the HELL out of me, too :)

[Mom101]

Okay so the misspelling thing of names? Drives me keeeerAAAAZY. I don't want to dis anyone's kid but hello, Madyssyne? Caighleigh? I think some people confuse having a eunique child with having a eunique name.

Gyve me a fuckyng brayke.

[Jamie]

The gum thing is so gross! I worked with a woman who didn't take the gum out when eating, she put it on the roof of her mouth and ate a meal, then chewed it again. Oh, and I live in Mississippi too, born and raised in NY, but here for my husband's job.

[Damselfly]

Ooh, I hate #2, and #18 would drive me crazy. Babies and small children are so cute that they don't need jewelry.

[Beth]

I love the racy stuff! you say what I wish I could say in my blog but I made a big mistake and told my daughter I have a blog. She doesn't want to hear about her mom's lack of "oral loving"!

[Jenny]

I feel #18 soooo much. Take a look at my last post and prepare to look in a mirror.

PS. My grandma always told me, "Only lazy cunts have to resort to using curse words". Words to fucking live by.

[mamatulip]

I'm in total agreement about all of these, especially the first fourteen.

People complain about the racy content? And the swears? Good god, people. Get lives.

[jonniker]

LEOTARDS. Oh my god, that makes me crazy. Leotards. LEOTARDS.

Ahem. A nerve. You struck a nerve.

I live in Florida (against my better judgment, as I am a transplanted Bostonian) and people tell me that Florida isn't "that bad" all the time because they've been here before FOR VACATION.("It's all Northeasterners!" and "It's not even the South!" Dude, I fucking live here. It's that bad.

So yeah, I get what you're saying there. Quite a bit. :>

[Suebob]

#12 - are you ready to order? Mr Stapler is never, ever ready to order. I think it is a control thing. He will chat with his friends or me as I send the waiter away repeatedly to give him more time, then say he is ready. When the waiter comes over, he begins to peruse the menu slowly as if he had never seen it before. He reads up and down, excruciatingly slowly while the waiter's smile goes from genuine to one of those twisty little "Dear God, what a moron" fake smiles. Then Mr. S will slowly lift his head, blink at the waiter as if he has been asleep, and ask "What do you recommend?"

He CAN read, so I know it isn't that.

[mothergoosemouse]

I visited the Southern Pen site when I first started reading you, and I'm glad you posted the link again. I'm just so impressed. Are you still working on your doctorate? Among everything else on your plate, I mean.

And #14 - DUDE. I cannot fucking STAND that. Especially in formal, professional context when someone means to use one word and they use another word that sounds similar but is WRONG. Hint: Stop trying to use so many million-dollar words that you don't really understand and just TALK.

[Kvetch]

I clicked through to your book and your professional bio. I was in awe before, now I am speechless (figuratively, of course). As for the funky name thing. Let's just say my dead ex and his widow, when both were neither, chose a name for their baby-to-be that is spelled like THEY were from Mississippi. Didn't they read Freakonomics? Funkily spelled names (not made up words like funkily) make you seem STUPID, not smart. That kid will never have a bicycle license plate with her name on it. Never ever.

[Petite Mommy]

But I love wilted lettuce. Seriously. It's called "killed lettuce" and it's very very bad for you. I don't know about deep fried pickles though. LOL.

The racy content makes your blog what it is. They will get over it.

[krista]

Do people really come to your blog and complain about the racy content and bad words? That is stupid.