A Blunder Down Under

It seems that after shooting a baby from your crotch is a slight deterrent to the husband's penchant for providing oral pleasure. Okay. So it really wasn't always a regular menu option at The Huz Diner of Love, but now I feel like I'm trying to find a steak at a vegan restaurant.

And while I think that if he shot something large and round out of the head of his penis it might dissuade me from getting up close and personal with it, I'd still oblige upon request.

Hold on.

Can I just add that penises (or penii?) are not that cute to begin with. I mean really. When is a cute penis good anyway? And pretty? What is a pretty penis? So, there really isn't a comparison. I digress.

So, regardless, I've decided to up the ante. And that means making the Mistress of my Lower Regions irresistible. And since a great hair cut and a new perfume did wonders for me, why not try it with The Fabulous Ms V?

Are you with me? Run for the hills yet? GOOD.

So here's the deal. I'm not so into crotch couture. My showers are limited to the length of Elmo's World (14.8 minutes) and I can barely shave all 35 inches of my legs, let alone her. And while the shave is great for one day, after that, it's a bit hard to upkeep.

I've even considered the wax, however, get this.

Brazilians (waxes that is) are ILLEGAL in my town.

Yes. Like YOU CAN'T GET ONE. I shit you not. So, that leaves trimming - which is fine. However, how do we do this? Are we using scissors or an electric trimmers? What? And how do we know to stop? I was the terribly awful bang cutter that would always try to even things out until I looked like a bad version of Jeanine Garofolo.

And then we have the scent issue. Let me rephrase. I don't have a scent issue, however, I'm curious as to what other folks are doing (not that you have a scent issue either) to help freshen her up. So here it is.

Are we douching?

(And seriously, I know what a douche is, in theory, but other than that, I have no idea what to do with it, or if people actually use it, and exactly what it's for except for a mother and daughter on a sailboat in the middle of the Atlantic chatting about Massengil).

So please. Help a girl out. Before I have another hot lesbian dream and I start renting girl on girl porn just to jog my memory.

Comments

[Jenny in Queensland]

I decided to try the Brazilian the day before #3 was born, thinking that I wouldn't feel a thing with all the pressure down there.The sweet very young thing that tried to do the waxing was extremely traumatised by the swollen thing that was containing a 10lb ugly troll. Needless to say no Brazilian was done and trimmers worked well. The sweet young thing calmed down by the time we got to the pedicure. My Obs. was polite enough to comment on my excellent grooming for the delivery.
I have since got a ladies personal trimmer for down there, there is nothing worse than DH having to stop to cough up a hair ball at an inopportune moment

[Sharon]

Holy Crap! FINALLY someone comes out and asks these questions! LOL. I have NEVER known what the hell to do...shave? trim? wax? Noone pulls us aside to explain such thing. My hubby likes more "au naturale", but that doesn't mean it has to be Grizzly Adams terrain! As for the "action" down there...sigh. It's been a long time for me as well, my friend. A looooong time! Good luck!

[kittenpie]

okay, brazilians are out, but what about a regular bikini wax? I have tried, prior to starting with the wax, a nice vanilla-scented Nair product specifically for the bikini region, as well. And now I still trim whatever is left, since I'm not into the bald eagle look.

[greensunflower]

I use a beard trimmer. It is smaller than the big hair trimmers and comes with guards. As far as scent, sure after a day in jeans and 95 degree weather it isnt pretty, so I usually just wash her up with soap and water before asking for sex. Dh loves this now and always asks me to do it. Now he is a coochie fanatic, so all the cleaning is worth it.

[Gette Jones]

ditto on the trimmer! Soap and water does the trick...

[Megan]

Am I the only one who uses a regular trimmer - like the ones they give guys haircuts with? They have different depth settings - just use the smallest one and you'll get a very short trim. Short enough to make a huge difference but long enough so you don't have the itchies and bumps and pain of razors and wax.

And ITA - penii are so NOT cute. ;)

[karyn]

Jesus H. Christ - 77 comments. No wonder I'm getting like 2 or 3... I'm writing about the wrong thing.

Ok well the general consensus is Douching = Bad and I'm on board with that. Not good for you. The "odor" is partly pheramones which is supposed to wake his brain stem the fuck up and make him want to do bad things to you. (Bad as in Good.) However, you COULD get that warming oil which comes in a variety of flavors - Champagne is good (tastes almost grapey but less heady - hahaha, no pun intended) or Banana oil is also nice. I found strawberry smelled like a car airfreshener, blecch. Same for flowery things - I don't know about YOUR husband but mine doesn't regularly get in the mood to eat flowers.

I'm just saying.

I will vouch also for Kama Sutra's Honey Dust, mentioned elsewhere here, as well as oils - essential oils like Patcholi or China Rain or Lavender. (Actually - studies show lavender & pumpkin scents up a man's blood flow to ... It, by 40%. I don't know why. Try candles with those scents maybe?)

I will confess here, I've done the scissor trim thing and the shaving thing and frankly, the scissors thing is somewhat more terrifying, because you do not want to accidentally snip your bits, but you can get it close to the skin and then shave just the parts you want nekkid... use Schick Intuition as it is highly moisturizing and unlikely to nick anything. Wax is terrifying. Forget it.

I don't have any lines... I'm sorry... but I do have a suggestion - next time you have a baby, you make him stand up by your head - no peeking. You've seen one baby come down the pike, you've seen 'em all.

Good luck - do let us know how you're ...ah... making out...with this.

[Stacy]

Brazilian wax jobs illegal?! Why?

I use my husband’s electric razor to trim the bush. It has several hair length settings that he uses for his goatee. I just go one notch shorter for the bush-whacking.

Baby wipes or flushable toilet wipes are excellent tools for freshening up the vag. If I think I might have sex and don’t feel like showering to freshen up, the wipes are terrific, and they leave no soapy aftertaste.

And, yeah... I agree, BAD DOUCHE, BAD!

[Carrie]

OK So I'm going to combine my comment for this post and today's post into one. Have you considered having the Hubs do it for you?

It's great foreplay, plus it's waaay easier for them to see what's going on down there than it is for us.

But maybe if he's never been so into the oral pleasure thing it won't be a huge turn on for him.

Or it could work the other way and give you another night of good porn movie sex.

[MJJ]

NOOOOOO douching. Bad for you. Gets you all wacked out down there.

I know for a fact that someone at my place of work douches. How do I know? when she leaves the bathroom, it smells like flowery overpowering trying to cover up a nasty crotch smell. I do NOT lie about this. It scares me. It creeps me out. Please don't ever even CONSIDER it!

[Mommy off the Record]

Hi,

I just googled "hot lesbian dream" and found your blog. Anyway, I don't have much advice for you because I've never tried douching. A long time ago, I heard it was dangerous or something so I never tried it. I just wash with soap and water, preferably right before any, er, intimacy and that seems to be good enough.

[Lisa B]

"What do you do when you get that not so fresh feeling?" Just saying that word "Douche" makes me think of those old, stinky, cheezy commericals.

I thought guys LIKED the scent. And shaving? Um itchy! So my thoughts are to shower, trim the uh, trim and stay fairly natural.

[kim]

Im laughing because I couldnt believe this is what your post was about .. and after reading the comments its definately a case of TMI !! just kidding... But ... we have GOT to get you some, soooo heres what I know.
Some guys are in to it and some arent. You can dress it up and perfume it up and if hes not comfortable doin it hes not going to. Wipies are your friend, you can hide them by the bed for "quick fresher uppers" I suggest you somehow drop in to conversation that it is what "makes you hot and turns you on" armed with that info he wont be able to get the visual out of his mind ...and if he doesnt take the hint, you can always do what a girlfriend of mine did... buy yourself a toy, he will be jealous of the toy ...belive it!! lol

[Chase]

Holy crap with the 71 comments. HAHAH! Geeez.

I, too, always wondered about douche stuff. My stepmom always kept a box (the SAME box for years!) under the sink and I'd sneak peaks at it when I was younger. Never understood that crap. HAHA!

Thanks for this post - I cracked up! You freak.

[mothergoosemouse]

I knew I was fortunate on the whole Vajayjay Buffet front, but day-um, I had not idea HOW fortunate.

Dutch, you are THE coolest ever. Thanks for the no-holds barred point of view.

[apricoco]

I am de-lurking on this post just to chime in on the no douching thing. It is really bady for you.

I don't wax, I think that the sole purpose of waxing is as a tourture method and truth serum. I am however, a sometime shaver. I use a really sharp razor and carefully go with the way the hair is growing for the first couple of pass throughs. Just be sure not to um... press too hard. The first part is really just to trim things up because trying to shave longer hair is hard. Also, it gives you time to examine the length and decide if short would be ok. I agree with many commenters on the no shaving cream thing, use conditioner. And to alleviate the red bumps "Bikini Zone" does work wonders and you can even buy it in BFE cuz wal-mart sells it.

Also, in my final reiteration of all that is below. You should talk to him about your uh.. issue. And then if he straight up refuses, tell him how much his balls smell like wet socks (or whatever) and then hold out on him with the bj's...

Or you could have a lesbian affiar... but being as you are in BFE mississippi I don't know how well that would work out... Or it might you never know, country people can be freaky!

Good luck.

[Lisa]

Douche happens to be my favorite word in the whole wide world, and I'm so pleased to have found it used 4,569 times in this post. ;-)

I laser and I trim the remaining. Yes, I have spent the cost of a Hyundai on my cooter hair. AND, I do not - at all- enjoy husband face time with my cooter. I do it for me. Once it's all nakie, you catch a breeze every now and then that's just right. ;-)

(sidenote: I thought about you the other day when I got a letter from my 11 year old who happened to be at camp. They had to write about places they'd like to visit in their life. She wrote, "Before I die I most def wanna see Paris, well...or Mississippi." HA!)

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Teehee on ball smelling...

Tattoos? What is this? How did I miss the tattoo pilgrimage? :)

And thanks for the douche lesson.

Yes. I imagine it's not so great. I really don't like anything SHOT up there. Well... except *ahem* that stuff.

[kate]

I know it's been said, but, dude, don't douche. It's bad, bad, bad for your parts. And if your husband has a problem with the way you smell, ask him if he's ever smelled balls. They're no better. For trimming, I use my husband's beard trimmer - no pun intended.

[Christina]

You're getting your hair cut in San Jose? Does that mean you're not going to have time to join us all for tattoos? ;)

[Christina]

Oh, one other tip. If you are going to shave part of it, use hair conditioner instead of shaving cream. Makes it so much smoother and easier to remove the hair.

Since no one has really explained douching: imagine an enema, but for your vagina. A squeeze bottle filled with chemically perfumed liquid, that you squirt up into yourself. It generally dries you out, and messes up your pH which can lead to bacterial or yeast infections.

And bravo to Dutch for his comments. Dude, you should write a book on this topic.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

So who knows a great hair stylist AND waxer in San Jose??

heh.

[roo]

All I can say is: don't try to wax yourself.

I know this, unfortunately, from experience.

I'd waxed my brows and my upper lip myself, so I thought I could take it, but no--

I COULD NOT force myself to tear the wax off. I'd breathe, and count "1...2...3... PULL!" but my hand just would not obey.

Eventually the wax dried out and became too crumbly to pull off in one piece. I had to wait until my boyfriend got home, and we spent a very painful half-hour with scissors and tweezers before my Jerry Mathers was free once more.

You're already getting a haircut at Blogher, right? Why not get the rest done at the same time?

Also: Fuck douche.

[msmelle]

Loved this column for it's brave honesty!! NICE.

I agree with Dutch's comment (hells YEAH brother DUTCH...when you come to MI please educate your bretheren). Vocalization goes a long way. From the get go in my monogamous relationships I do LOTSA talkin in the sack and it WORKS. Men get fired UP when they think they are the shit when it comes to pleasing you and want to do LOTS of it...because lets face it...the sex is hotter after hot foreplay. (just not usually as lengthy ;)

I also agree that women are more hung up about scent than men...most men DO like the natural smell. If they wanna smell flowers and shit they'll hug their moms not eat some bush.

[juliness]

Aaacckk! Oh, you SO went there. I have not "shot a baby out of my crotch" as you so charmingly put it (good one by the way!) but I must comment on the other issues.

Three words; LASER HAIR REMOVAL. I swear by it. It is so worth the money!! What you do not want is gone forever and the rest you can trim via scissors if you wish.

And get the Kama Sutra cherry-almond oil or honey dust. Both have great potential to spice things up.

I have found Dial antibacterial liquid soaps (mandarin and grapefruit comes highly recommended...if you can't get it in BFE, let me know!) to be both gentle and *cleansing* simultaneously.

And really, don't we all love that last word?

[zookeeper]

STEP AWAY FROM THE DOUCHE.

Unless you are using it to remove the smell of skunk from your dog, keep that shit out of your house and away from the V.

[Suebob]

Your crotch - I dunno. I am just incredibly jealous and pissed that you got 35 inch legs and I got 28s (and I am 5 foot 7).

[Kristina]

I mean "dry after showering".

[Kristina]

K- this post is so great. I agree with PP Andrea, let him cut it. I don't shave because the itch is not worth it to me, but my DH will trim/cut it low for me. It's foreplay.

As for using Nair---I would not recommend that. It is REALLY dangerous. In fact it has the same chemical makeup as a relaxer and needless to say has a form of lye in it.

Douching- I used to do the douche once a month but then I started having lubrication issues and my OB said to stop using it. Instead I use dove soap and I make sure that Mrs. V is completely dry before showering. Many women make the mistake of putting undes on too quickly and not giving the vagina a chance to dry. That cause foul smells and yeast. Also wearing cotten crotched undies and loose clothing helps tremendously.

[Andrea]

I know I've already commented, but that was grooming advice. This is to say, I've been where you are, wanting hubs to do more of the VJ Buffet. I tried hints. I tried withholding BJs. Nothing worked until I just told him it bothered me that he didn't exert the same energy on me that I did on him. I asked him point blank honest if it was a hygiene issue, and he assured me it wasn't. In fact, I don't think he ever really said completely what his hang up was. But I had to flat out say what was up. I agreed to go bald (new meaning to my blog little bald doctors, I know, but that was accidental) if he'd agree to help a sistah out. Once I went bald, my chosen method of grooming was really easy to maintain, and things improved. I now think it had more to do with him not knowing what I liked, so like Dutch said, I exaggerated when things were good, and they've improved. It still doesn't happen as often as I'd like, but it's better than once in 5 years. That got old, fast.

[Kristen]

Thanks Dutch. Now we're all horny and we'll never look read you the same way.

Yowza.

[BFF]

Dutch is the MAN!

Somebody get that guy a ham sandwich!

lolololol

[Kvetch]

Everytime I read WAX I grimace, cross my legs and say OUCH. "What are you reading, Mom?" Oh nothing, I just banged my knee." As far as advice goes, seems the issue is more the who than the what. Hubz is having some issues, dear, as you know. If he is rejecting your ideas to get busy, take it from one who knows, if you put even more effort into it and he STILL isn't receptive, it's even worse. So it's like a catch 22. If you do nothing, nothing changes, but if you do something, there's no guarantee. I think you need to withhold whatever he likes or wants (sex, dinner, beer, whatever) until you come (eh hem)to an understanding.

[Mom101]

Okay, so Dutch's comment just turned me on a little bit. What's with that?

[Melissa]

Oops, that was shouldn't. And the comments are almost as funny as the post.

[Melissa]

You don't need my advice, it has all been said, but I can only imagine the hits you are going to get from google with this one. I am literally cracking up. I probably should be reading this at work.

[mamatulip]

I don't douche. I never have. Douching kind of freaks me out a bit. I wash with a washcloth every day in the shower and if I think there's going to be hot monkey love I excuse myself for a second and go freshen up with the washcloth. I use a very small amount of Ivory soap when I wash down there; it's the only product that I can use without getting a raging yeast infection.

I shave, and I keep it up so it's never really a big time-consuming thing to do. I have trimmed before, using scissors, but that freaked me out (one slip and uh-oh...) so I did use an electric shaver, which was really easy and actually felt kind of...good.

[dutch from sweet juniper]

there was this story about this guy in ancient rome who wanted to see what was happening in the festival of the good goddess, which no men were allowed to go to, so he put on a dress and he snuck in. . .

jesus H christ WOW. just WOW. I can't believe I now know how so many of my favorite blogging chicks maintain their pubes. wow. I think the first time I piped up on this blog was on another one of your pubey posts.

forgive my use of the word "pussy" henceforth but that's the first thing you need to overcome. that's what men call it.

here's the thing: men are corrupted by pornography as their primarily form of visual stimulation; the idea of a naked pussy bores me. if most guys didn't think shaved pussies were sexy only because they had seen so many shaved pussies being fucked in porn, I think most would agree that the hair is nice. really nice. every man should have a fondness for that first time he reached third base. it may be surprising, but for some guys, the more the better. just not conan the barbarian shit, you know. also, some guys like the smell. in fact, I would guess that most do. I don't know why all the bullshit is perpetrated that makes women think they should get brazilians and douches. as for getting more head, my honest advice is this:

Be horny. Don't answer the door wrapped in plastic wrap or dirty talk him at work or any of that shit they tell you to in the pages of cosmo or whatthefuckever. if you want him to eat you out more tell him you want him to do it and just sit on his fucking face and tell him he's really good even if he's not. he may resist you at first but he's a man so he's weak for the shit. I think the reason most guys don't like eating pussy is because it's really scary and it's hard to figure out if you're doing it right. watch a porno with him and when porn actor #1 does something you like, tell hubs you love it when he does that to you. when he's down there and he does something right, tell him. say, "more of that please." but in a sexy way. make noises. exaggerrate if you have to, but it will encourage him. tell him you're not going to blow him till he's taken care of you for twenty minutes and then give him the best blowjob he's ever had. and if teh sex that follows is great, he'll come back to the table for more again soon.

Also, I don't buy any of that bullshit about childbirth affecting a man's taste for pussy. they are powerful things. y'all can stupify a man with that shit.

[Arwen]

After having a small perfect little GIRL I find brazilians fucked up. Really...who could change a girl baby's diaper and then want her male (or female) partner to be into that? Trimming I get, I hand trim with little scissors.
I don't have an issue with freshness since I bathe 100 times a day (kidding). I Can't help there but Hubby has never mentioned anything.

[Jayne]

The hardest thing to do - having a direct and honest (though not confrontational) discussion when you are both calm and not busy. Seems like an intimacy issue that has little to do with personal grooming. Okay, Dr. Jayne is done (and don't knock the Brazillian, being super smooth underneath feels great ; ))

[Kellyf]

Oh, and my first comment to your blog is about vagina.

Score.

[Kellyf]

I shave, but I do it pretty often so it just takes a swipe or two of the razor and I am done. Normally I do it while my hair (on my head, LOL) is conditioning.

As for the scent deal... I wouldn't douche. But I LOVE those feminine wipe things that they sell. If I took a shower in the morning but want to freshen up for some P.M. nookie, I use the wipes to put my mind at ease. You can find em near the tampons/pads/etc.

[GIRLS GONE CHILD]

I never understood the douche thing so I have no advice there.

A la pubes I say trim with scissors as short as you can and then shave. I'm a baldy, myself but you can get creative with the vagoo-hawk or perhaps a heart? You can do it with the razor and some help from a sharpie. Ha! Draw your design and go nuts!

And then make your hubs shave his shit. Only fair.

[joy]

maybe if you use some styling mousse and put a bow on it, it will be look more pretty and appealing. or flavor it with beer-scent? or tattoo with arrow pointing down, with quote "quid pro quo" as a gentle reminder. hmm. coming up empty (no pun intended, HA!)

oh, and big NO to douching. BAD BAD for us ladies. serious.

[Kristin]

Hey! You're fine... tell Hubs to get with the program!

[Mega Mom]

I got nothin' that hasn't been said. Might I just add that this whole lovely issue put a smile on my face on this rainy day :)

[mothergoosemouse]

Douching is like using a turkey baster. It makes no sense - apart from all the other reasons NOT to do it.

Schick Intuition. Excellent for getting the inner areas without risking the need for a transfusion. Also does not result in bumps or itchiness.

Beard trimmer/personal groomer/whatever. Excellent for thinning out the growth in the front. Again, no risk of major blood loss (or ANY blood loss).

I was just discussing the whole douche/FDS business with my friend Stacey this weekend. It's not SUPPOSED to smell like flowers. Just shower regularly and see the doc if it really smells funky (which I'm sure it doesn't).

[Karl]

LOL. This is a very popular topic lately. Of course, I can't make any specific recommendations. I prefer things a bit trimmed down there, and I've been using the Philips Bodygroom, which is marketed toward men. I don't see why it wouldn't work for ladies, though.

I wrote a guest post about pube trimming over at my friend, Hilly's site. It's called All Up in Your Hoobastank.

http://snackiepoo.typepad.com/blog/2006/06/all_up_in_your_.html

[Kristen]

I believe Brazilian means all hair off all crevasses... heh.

I think you can do the porno girl thing and get it all off from front to back, baby. :)

And I get it people.

NO DOUCHING EVER.

But what is it? Like how does it work?

[Charli]

Okay, this is such a popular commenting entry, I have to put in my two cents, then ask a question... I shave, home waxing was a painful disaster. They make these wipes BTW for the smell/taste issue. My hubs and I shower at night before we hit the sack, so everything is always nice and clean. Never really had red bumps or itchiness problems. Here's my question: If I did not maintain my Lovely Lady Lumps, I would be a freakin' bush. I am interested in the brazilian thing, though. Exactly how far does it go- because I prefer everything off?

[Stephanie A.]

Oh, are we supposed to have a hygiene plan for those regions? I didn't realize... this post and the comments are incredibly educational!

OK, now I've finally stopped laughing at the fact that when I scrolled down the comments I landed on your reader Crunchy Carpets. Thought it was someone posting under that name as a joke. But now I'm thinking it's funnier that it isn't a joke. Sorry Crunchy Carpets, it's all just very funny to me.

[Izzy]

Oh and regarding scent issues... We're not the only ones who have them. Let's not forget those smelly balls that need some a good washing every day.

[Izzy]

How do I handle scent issues?

lololol...I shower.

As for the bush? I don't have time for salon waxing. I either do it myself or I just shave.

But I can't believe a Brazilian is illegal there. While I personally don't want one, it seems really fricken bizarre that they'd concern themselves with someone's crotch hair.

[Cyndi]

fuck that shit.

I am blessed beyond belief in that department. My husband is nearly a lesbian in a mans body.

Anyways......I stick with just trimmin' the hedges. Less upkeep, easy to do, etc. It doesn't matter if it's a GOOD trim because it's pubic hair, for petes sake. It's gonna look like pubs. I just make sure I get around the area. And then on the night things happen, I'll take a quick swipe with a wet washcloth. That's all.

[Dawn]

I use the beard trimmers, and then I use my Home bikini wax kit... Cause waxing LONG hair? No.No. No.

My Hub has said NO WAY to my offer to let him trim, but he loves when I do.

That will be a pre-req question for my next lover..(haha)

I love the honey dust Idea. And, for the love of all raging yeast infections DO NOT use those flavored gels. Please.

[Christina]

Everyone else pretty much covered the dangers of douching, so I'll just add: don't do it.

I trim, and if I want to go hairless, I use a cream to dissolve the hairs. Far, far less irritation than shaving, and no red bumps.

And honestly, if he's not willing to do the deed for you, refuse to do it for him. It's not like they freshen up their penis for us, right?

(This is coming from someone who actually doesn't like oral. I know, I'm weird. But still, hold strong and make him put some work back into pleasing you.)

[Andrea]

Okay, I can't believe I'm about to do this, but here goes.

No douche. Bad. Bad douche! There are products that help with scent issues, but sometimes just a clean scent (your regular soap) is enough, and then the pheremones can take over from there. Might help put him in the right frame of mind, even.

I've shaved (my current method for lack of $ for professional waxing and lack of time for other methods) and I've waxed and I've Naired. The waxing (Avon hand-heated wax strips) actually ripped my skin. YOUCH! I tried Avon Skin So Soft Hair Removal cream, and it smells far better than Nair, and works just as well.

By far the thing that works best is, dun dun duuuuuunnn! Let him do the shaving. If you trust him, that is. It was a major turn on for my hubs and I didn't even get the chance to reciprocate, he was so, um, enthralled. Plus, he could see it far better than I so there were no patches missed. Then, after that, the trimming was easy, though I think I will find that Bikini Zone stuff for the bumps.

Although if you want to take the time, I'd find a nearby town to get the Brazillian. It's not state law, is it? I've never had a professional wax, but that's just because I'm a big chicken with a little budget.

[Ginny]

1st time visitor--very funny stuff by the way ;-)

I shave. NO DOUCHE. It throws all the chemical/ph/whatever balance off in there and can cause much problems.

I'm still holding out for permanent hair removal. Other than that, I've got nothin'. (sorry)

[jennifer]

can't believe I'm delurking to post on this one... but here goes :) Clairol makes a "personal groomer," which is essentially a re-packaged version of the clairol beard trimmer for men. It seems to work well for me though, a quick once-over with the plastic guide to keep from nicking myself, then a careful detail without the guide, and finally a close follow-up with the micro-screen. Mirrors and third hands are helpful :) I think I got mine at Thuh Wahl-maht.

[urban child bride]

- I shave. Wax still scares me.

- I find that the best way to do the "upkeep" is, when I'm shaving my legs, to just continue up a little higher. Ahem.

- Douching? No thanks.

- I use the Kama Sutra brand "honey dust" instead of powder(http://www.kamasutra.com/Honeydust.htm) on my skin after shaving. It smells wonderful, and unlike perfume (which tastes like chemicals), it has a mild, sweet flavor. My husband loves it.

- If you're not going to shave at all, rub baby oil into the hair while you're in the shower. It softens the hair right up.

[Mama C-ta]

I wish Brazilians were illegal here, it would have saved me from my traumatic experience.

I use a razor to keep things nice and tidy. After Cricket was born I let things grow in a bit, as a mom I couldn't stand looking so prepubecent. Husband hates it, could be b/c I rush through the grooming and have patches of bald spots. Still doesn't stop him from trying although some days I wish it would.

[fizzle]

Thank you for this post, because - since the days of Massengil commercials in my youth - I have no fucking idea what a douche is.

Reading your comments it appears I'm the only woman who finds taking a razor to your crotch a dicey issue. Not only does it not work so well, but leads to a field of ingrowns. (field, I say, for you country folk who outlaw lady waxin's)...

Trim it, wax it nonBrazilian style and take your show on the road if it's not happening at home. Okay, I can't say that, can I?

[Amy Jo]

Hi! I've used an electric beard trimmer down there to shorten things up a bit. You can usually find them at any mega-mart type store.

[jaelithe]

Hmm, I've been thinking about this, and I wanted to mention that all of this research and work on your part is no good if he's not in the right frame of mind about this emergency situation.

Here's an idea: you're a great writer, right? So write an erotic story, featuring him and you. Script the encounter exactly as you would like it to go in real life (well, okay, only with your husband, heh). Make the centerpiece of the tale the specific action you're after. Then ask him to critique this new short story you've just finished.

Just make sure you use names, so he knows it's about him ;)

[Maniacal]

I agree with whoever said don't shave. I've yet to be able to shave it and NOT be itchy when it grew back. Plus, aint nothin' sexy about red bumps! Like they said, trim with a cuticle scissor or a trimmer if you can find a small one that is a wet/dry cause it's a good idea to do it in the shower, shave around the edges with a regular razor....waahhhhlaaa. That's as good as she gets.

Plus, do THEY shave for us? NO Don't tell me you never had a hair issue when doin the deed for them. Am I saying too much? IT'S TRUE!

Barter system works everytime too....

oh and whoever used the word cooter...*shivers* I hate that word!

[Motherhood Uncensored]

And seriously. VJ kissing is SOOOOO much easier than the weenie smooch (ETC). Oh if it were only a smooch.

LMFAO right now.

[BFF]

Just tell him this:

V.J. kissing = a Weenie smooch.

Or a ham sandwich.

Something like that. You get the picture. I LOVE the barter system. heh heh.

[jaelithe]

For the 856th time, don't douche.

I use a razor to shave the bikini area-- the same one I use for my legs, but when shaving the bikini area, I always do it immediately after a shower or bath, so the hair is soft, and here's a nifty tip, I think-- I use liquid soap, not shaving cream, for shaving the bikini line. I know that sounds weird, but it actually works better for me, because the shaving cream actually tends to soften my skin more than the coarser hair in that region, which leads to more cuts/ingrown hairs.

Then I use small surgical scissors to trim the rest. And yes, they are sharp as all get-out. But no, I have never stabbed my lady parts ;)

A little bit of perfume or body spray on the remaining hair is enough for scent. Try picking a scent that smells edible. Like something vanilla, cinnamon, or fruit-scented. Try Victoria Secret's Strawberries and Champagne body spray.

And, OMG, I can't believe I just publicly advertised that much of my "feminine hygiene" routine on the internet. Oh well. I did it for you, mommybloggers. Only for you . . . ;)

[Crunchy Carpets]

My nether regions are unrecognizable after two....a whole new world for hubby to explore!
And it has been a jungle down there too as I still have quite the pooch to peer over.

I decided to "trim" with that new Veet gel...well, I think I used a bit much, because I ended up with a Brazillian.

And I have to say it was fine....I quite like it...and it has not bee n that itchy either...I think I may do it again!

A bit of talc is all I use for 'freshness'!

Heee

[KC]

So everyone seems to know douching is bad. It can also contribute to developing pelvic inflammatory disease. (Infertility, pelvic pain, and the like.)

I vote for a B-ham brazilian next time you have a sitter.

[Eden]

Grow-back = itchy all the time. Don't shave unless you'd like to shave forever.

Trimming = always a good option. Get some small cuticle scissors (rounded edges are a plus). You can do it on the toilet or use a mirror and flashlight to help. Give your V a crewcut!

Douching is actually bad for you. It kills the beneficial bacteria that keep our cooters clean. Ask your gyn or family doc.

All that said, ever since I had our first child, my husband says things are better there than they were before she was born. Before it was a chore, now he asks. Just braggin'.

We should talk more openly about this kind of thing. Thanks for the topic :) or should I type "()" ?

[Sadie]

My suggestions: first, trim with scissors to get it under control. Then, use a brand new razor, and don't shave it til you've been in the shower under hot water for like 10 minutes (to soften the hair). Finally, upon exiting the shower, gently blot dry and apply "Bikini Zone" gel to the shaven skin to discourage red bumps. Bikini Zone is available in most drugstores or KMarts with the dipilatories.

My other piece of advice is to tell your husband that if he doesn't chow box, there's going to be a BJ strike. Sheesh!

[Her Bad Mother]

I was just thinking about the penis issue - cute or not cute - the other day and wondering whether it was blogable.

I'm glad to see that it, among other nether-region topics, is indeed blogable.

NOT CUTE. Many things, but not cute or pretty or charming. For the record.

[Mrs. Chicky]

*chuckle*

*snort*

*giggle*

Sorry, I've got nothin' for you. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my facial hair. But I can't wait to see what sort of advice you get.

Oh, I do have one thing... Don't Douche! If your husband wants you to smell like flowers wipe with a freakin' dryer sheet. Hell, have him stick the damn dryer sheet up his nose. Just don't douche.

[Sunshine Scribe]

Illegal Brazillians? Pretty Penises? The great Douche debate? You might have made my day.

So funny.

A big no to douching.

Can you skip off to the next town for a regular bikini wax??

Or maybe this is the big business opportunity for ya ... an underground wax parlour. Saucy.

[Much More Than A Mom]

1. Don't douch. As DD said, they're not so good for you. Just soap and water.

2. Brazillians are illegal? Freaky. Are there KKK members running around in capes, too? Shaving works in an emergency but something like Nair works better. If you have sensitive skin, avoid the "pink." That could burn. (Pink skin, not pink nair!) Maybe just a nice regular bikini wax if they allow those in your crazy town, then a tidy trim of what's left?

3. Just a dab of perfume that your husband likes up on the "bulge" would be lovely I'm sure. (Apparently I love quotation marks today and I have great knowledge of anatomically correct words - pink and bulge are medical terms you know!)

4. If that doesn't work, cut him off until it does!

Good luck!

[Petite Mommy]

No douching here. I've seen a product called playtex cleansing cloths that smell like flowers. You could try those. Anyway, I shave and sometimes nair. Waxing is just way too painful for me.

I don't have that prob with the hubs. Hope whatever you do helps.

[Nicole]

1. Don't douch. As DD said, they're not so good for you. Just soap and water.

2. Brazillians are illegal? Freaky. Are there KKK members running around in capes, too? Shaving works in an emergency but something like Nair works better. If you have sensitive skin, avoid the "pink." That could burn. (Pink skin, not pink nair!) Maybe just a nice regular bikini wax if they allow those in your crazy town, then a tidy trim of what's left?

3. Just a dab of perfume that your husband likes up on the "bulge" would be lovely I'm sure. (Apparently I love quotation marks today and I have great knowledge of anatomically correct words - pink and bulge are medical terms you know!)

4. If that doesn't work, cut him off until it does!

Good luck!

[Kristen]

Ha. MD. Glad you caught that.

Isn't that nuts?

And yeah. I'm pretty sure no matter how enticing the V is - if you don't wanna do it, you won't do it.

But I sense a huge difference in desire from pre-post baby.

[DD]

Douching can actually make things worse as it can destroy the natural and good bacteria. A good shampoo, conditioning and fluff dry is all you should need.

If you can't get a B., can you get just a close bikini wax? Otherwise, I'd go to another town where they are so damned uptight.

And actually, the problem sounds like it's more him than you. Do you think that if you weren't giving him the goods he would be thinking about what to do to make it smell/look/feel better? Nope. He'd be coming up with a good way to guilt you into it.

[MetroDad]

Wait a sec! Why is waxing illegal in your town?

[maria]

I have absolutely no advice for you...i am a natural kinda gal down under myself. who has the time? but i was having a crappy morning and this post made me almost pee my pants. thanks

[Anon]

Have you tried a chemical bikini line remover from the drug store? Those work well for me, and also a sharp little pair of scissors to (very carefully) trim with.

[Stacy]

Hmmm, I use a trimmer. Scissors work well and all, but they can't get that close and I don't trust myself with a shapr object near Ms. V. The trimmer is pretty easy but you still can't get too close. Depends on what kind of shave you want. As for scent, I don't know. Never douched. They do have those cleansing cloth thingys from vagisil. Not sure if that's for scent though. So I guess I'm really not helping here. Sorry!

[Becky]

OK, as my hubby is currently gone and coming back in two weeks (yay me!!) I would suggest--

First, a trim with the scissors to make the umm shaving easier.

Then..if you want to go..bald like a baby..Nair..or you can go buy wax at wal-mart..if you haven't done it before..be prepared it hurts worse than birth.

or just trim it with a SHARP razor...and if he refuses make sure it's the one he uses for his face ;)..now if you don't regularly trim be prepared..it itches when it grows back in..well any way it itches when it grows back in..Good luck..

Now, make a rule if he doesn't reciprocate in kind...well you get the point..;)

As for the douching, I don't have a scent issue and my docs have always said not to because you don't want to not natural..blah blah blah...