I Ate Pills

I admit to having a few anxiety issues. I imagine that at one point in time, they would have been medicatable, but I managed to laugh-cry, giggle, and obsess my way through most of life without any major breakdowns or attacks.

But the combination of raging hormones, having a kid, and free unlimited access to Google searches has driven me near the brink of insanity.

Yes. You know what I mean. Your kid coughs and rubs her eyeballs about 3 times in a row and you're rushing to Google to find out what the hell is wrong with her - only to realize that it could be anything from late stage AIDS to chronic asthma. Or just allergies. Or maybe NOTHING AT ALL.

And so. My anxiety levels are piqued. I'm a pinging ball of frazzle, just waiting to explode.

Like a few days ago when I was happily enjoy my morning tea and blogs. The daughter had moved from my zone to the huz's zone (you know, like zone defense - we call it "zone parenting"). However, he seems to forget her penchant for getting into things and low and behold when I found her, she had opened up my large make-up case. And next to her was a zip-loc bag of multi-vitamins.

I made no effort NOT to freak out. Sure. The bag was sealed tighter than Katie Holmes lips during labor but still. Oh shit. She could have opened them. And swallowed 5 large disgusting pink pills. And then reshut them with her perfect 2-year old finger dexterity.

And so I lost it.

"Did you see her with these pills?" I screamed. "Did she eat this pills?"

"Um. No honey. I don't think she did."

"Hello. She could DIE RIGHT NOW!"

So I asked her. "Quinlan, Did you eat these pills?"

"Uh-huh" she replies.

"WHAT???!!! How many did you eat?"

Points to her mouth. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." She continues to about 15 - her maxed out counting number of late.

"Are you sure you ate them, honey?"

"Uh-huh."

I frantically whip around the house in a flurry, trying to stop my husband from leaving for work wiht one hand while calling poison control with my other. Except my phone was still wet from its juice dive the day before, and it kept cutting out. She's dying right now I thought and I can't get my fucking free piece of shit phone to work. I'm going to hell. RIGHT NOW.

So, while my husband drives to work and is calling poison control, I run to Q. But before I can ask her anything she says:

"I ate pills, mama. I ate pills!"

What? No no no no.

That was it. And I started an in-depth police-like interrogation. "Did you eat daddy's mouthwash?"

"Uh-huh"

"How about daddy's foot scrubber?"

"Uh-huh"

"Okay. Now open this bag. NOW. OPEN IT!!!" She couldn't do it. So I did it and offered her the pills.
"EAT THIS. Mommy wants you to eat one NOW." She spit it out, barely able to place it on her tongue. "Close the bag. CLOSE IT!!!!" She tried valiantly, but could not get any type of seal.

And while you'd think after all that, plus the call from the huz that said she's fine unless she ate more than 10, I'd have full reassurance that she, in fact, did not eat the pills, I didn't.

Because all day long, she wouldn't stop chanting "I ate pills right der" (points to her mouth). And in my head, all I could hear was...

"I need pills. I need pills right der" (pointing to my mouth).

Comments

[susiej]

Brilliant... Brilliant idea. I had a similar experience... I asked him how many pills, and we were able to figure it out by asking the same kinds of questions.

[tcpzp]

Hi, you have a nice site. Really good job! Respect :)

[Silly Hily]

What a good idea...try to get her to do it again to see if she could have actually done it the first time. And you thought of that while freaking out? I'll have to remember that trick. Thankfully, I haven't had to dial poison control yet (knock knock).

[the weirdgirl]

Oh yeah, I would have TOTALLY freaked out too! (And I consider myself fairly calm.) And then had nightmares about it for weeks. I'm still having nightmares about my son being suffocated and/or falling off the bed. These started when he was 2 months old and I STILL have them! I also sit straight up or jump out of bed. Keen is getting pretty sick of it.

[Linzy]

OMG, that reminds me of when my oldest son was about a year old. We moved and didn't have everything set up yet. I was unpacking and turned my back on him for like 2 seconds. I turn around. He's gone! I find him 2 seconds later just as he's about to stick his finger in the big giant dryer plug. His finger was 1/2 an inch away from that hole. I screamed and grabbed him. Geezus that scary.

[4tops]

We once spent 2 hours trying to determine if our 2 year old ate liquid dish soap (as in harmless) or the powdered machine detergent (as in highly toxic). By the time we got a confession, it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure if it had been the later, he would have been keeled over by that point.

Also, those little silicone gel packs you get in stuff to keep things all dry? Like in new shoes? That say "do not eat"? He ate those, too. FYI, just have them drink a lot of water to wash it on down.

[Izzy]

Ugh...what a tea and blogs buzzkill. But seriously, I'm so glad she didn't REALLY eat pills right der :)

[karyn]

It is so good to know I am not the only neurotic ovary holder out there. Jesus.

We had 3 calls to Poison Control in two weeks. TWO WEEKS! CONSECUTIVE weeks! Once the baby ate dish soap. Then the eldest sprayed everything in Christ's creation with Cutter bugspray including the baby and the baby's mouth. Then the eldest sprayed Lysol disinfecting spray in the baby's eyes.

I have pills for right der but I think I may need more. Egad.

[klhumphrey]

I love reading your blog! Could I link my blog to it?

[klhumphrey]

I laughed so hard when I read this post. :)

Some days I need pills too! lolol!

[Mom101]

Kristen Chase, PI. Magnum's got nothing on you. And I bet you have way better boobs.

[BFF]

Actual event: Scary
Your description: Friggin' hilarious...

Pills right der, I say...riiiiiight deeeeer.
lmao!

[Jenny]

Ugh. This makes my stomach hurt. It's bad enough when they eat catfood or a dead bug but when they move from gross to dangerous I just want to pass out.

Still, making her try to eat one and reseal the package? That was amazingly brilliant. You're like Macguyver.

[Her Bad Mother]

Had a moment like that the other week. Scared the living shit out of me. So badly that I couldn't even blog about it. That's bad.

Feel ya.

[FishyGirl]

I have done the same thing many times, only minus your awesome interrogation tactics. I have to remember that next time. Oh, yes, there will be a next time.

[Lisa B]

Ahhh. YOu sparked a memory for me... When I thought my son ate some pill I was taking to prevent migraines... (Either Zonagran or Trazadone.) And it was scarey as shit. My husband kept screaming at me that I had the pills. (Course, he was supposed to be watching our son, but of course got wrapped up in tv and didn't.)

[Amy]

"I need pills. I need pills right der" (pointing to my mouth)."

I'm sorry but that cracked me up.

[Damselfly]

Oh, geez. How frantic. You're so smart how you handled it, though.

[Laura S.]

Good for you for switching from "old school interrogation" to "new school interrogation" tactic!

[Melissa]

Scary as fuck. I would be freaking out right along with you. Nata would tell me she ate her daddy's foot scrub too. Ahhhhh.

Google is a godsend and a horrible invention all at once.

[Christina]

Just reading that gave me an anxiety attack. Gotta love kid logic - they don't seem to care if they're telling the truth or just making it up.

And who knew that 10 vitamins a day is still safe for a child?

[TB]

Oh shit Kristen. The part where you made her try to eat one just kills me.
And seriously? Eating 10 or less multivitamins is okay? I'm going to stop worrying when I can't remember if I took mine and don't want to take a second one just to be on the safe side :o)

[Maniacal]

Nice.
Cool.

lolol Sorry someone had to do it.

Yea I would have totally freaked out too. Sheesh.

[Stacy]

Oh my goodness. I have to admit that I have never had an experience like that. With J's sensory issues she was never really one to put random things in her mouth. I'm sure I won't be so lucky with the next one.

[mothergoosemouse]

I feel like such an ass for laughing, but your litany of questions to her - "Did you eat Daddy's foot scrubber?" - cracked me up.

And zone parenting - hell yeah. ALL about the zone parenting.

[Mommy off the Record]

Oh wow. I freaked out just reading your post. I am always worried my son will eat something dangerous or choke on something when I'm not looking. Glad that Q is OK.

[Mrs. Chicky]

Glad to hear that Q is well and not spending the next month in the hospital, but now I am left to wonder what a foot scrubber would taste like. I'm willing to bet it tastes nothing like chicken.

[Jenn]

oh, damn. More of what I get to look forward to?? I was in rough enough shape when our dog ate my birth control (no - not how I got pregnant!) or our houseguest's previously undivulged "special" baking... I can't begin to imagine! I'm glad she only thinks that she ate them! What a way to start your day.

[Andrea]

Ah, yes, the frantic Poison Control moments. We've called twice (and probably should have called a third) when I found a wee months old Gabe sucking on the end of a flip top tube of A&D ointment, and then just a couple months ago when the hubs found him with Desitin butt paste all over his body, on his face and lips. Another time, I found him with a tiny piece of charcoal IN HIS MOUTH (and I literally had only turned my back on him for seconds) and when he spit it out, I asked him if he ate it all the way and he said, "No" but nodded yes and rubbed his black fingers on his belly, smearing his shirt with the stain of his mother's ineptitude. I got the wet wipes in his mouth to wipe it out, but didn't find black smeared past his teeth.

I'm afraid Poison Control has our number flagged and if we call one more time, we'll receive a Visit. Nothing scary like pills or chemical cleaners, and I hope there is never a time for that, but God I hate that uncertainty.

[Wheresthecoffee]

I feel your pain. Sounds almost exactly like what we did when I found Snuggle Bunny holding one of my MILs blood pressure pills. To make things even more fun, MIL decided to cry and follow me around trying to figure out how it could have possibly happened the whole time I was trying to figure out if my baby was going to die in Hickville.

I'm glad Poison Control has such a catchy jingle for their phone number. I've had to dial it more times than I care to think about. I swear Snuggle Bunny just likes to see me panic. Happy pills are the only way I get through :)

[kim]

you crack me up!! I remember that kind of anxiety and stress ...dont worry it gets easier with every child :)
and that IS the only cure you know... have more

[Dawn]

Did I ever tell you of the Viagra tablet I found Emily walking around with?

[Tori]

You funny Lady. After #2 ate rat poison, I got myself some little pills of my own. There they lie in my purse and I call them my happy pills....

Ahhhhhhhhhh that's better.... Now where's that number for Poison Control again....? On the fridge? No, on the bulletin board?

Oh yes... there we go and will that be Ipecac or Activated Charcoal Madam?

[Tori]

You funny lady....

It was after my daughter ate rat-poison that I looked into getting pills of my own. There they sit in my purse and I call them my happy pills....

Ahhhhhhhhh that's better.... Now where's the number for poison control again...on the fridge, on the bulletin board? Oh yes... and will that be Ipecac or Acitvated Charcoal Madam?

[Tori]

You funny lady....

It was after my daughter ate rat-poison that I looked into getting pills of my own. There they sit in my purse and I call them my happy pills....

Ahhhhhhhhh that's better.... Now where's the number for poison control again...on the fridge, on the bulletin board? Oh yes... and will that be Ipecac or Acitvated Charcoal Madam?

[Deb]

My husband and I have to trade off when we call Poison Control b/c we are afraid they will recognize our voices and call in some sort of Authority.

New to your blog and LOVING IT!!!

[Stephanie A.]

Yes, google is one of the best and worst things ever. I like to blame google for my psycho months right after Hugo was born just because I don't think I'd really be that nutso on my own.

Glad she didn't take the pills- that had to be scary. I am not looking forward to the seek, find and eat stage of babydom, that's for sure. Having parenting zones is probably a good idea, though.

[fidget]

heart attack

heart attack

heart attack!

[maria]

motherhood...if they told us all it entailed, none of us would have ever had sex. good thinking on trying to get her to open the bag. usually when you think the worst, it turns out you were wrong. when you think it's nothing...thats when you should worry. this is why i still keep stuff "up high" and my youngest is 7.

[Petite Mommy]

Um, that's happened to me a few times. Saying "right der" made me think of a R&B song with a similar saying and now I cannot get it out of my head. THANKS!

[mamatulip]

I know that panicky feeling, that kind of starts off swelling in your stomach and then shoots up your throat and out your mouth. When Oliver was an infant and in the throes of screaming all the time because he was allergic to my boobmilk, Julia gave him Tempra. Dave and I were zombies walking around -- we were both so fucking tired -- and were, understandably, a bit out of it. Somehow Julia had gotten ahold of the Tempra and was shoving the dropper down Oliver's throat by the time Dave realized what was going on. I FREAKED OUT. And even though the bottle was empty and there was no way he'd ingested any of it, I sat down on the floor and cried a bit.

[Liz]

Thanks for the Monday morning laugh.

[Binkytown]

I admire you for having the smarts to try and get her to eat one in front of you while you were freaking out. Good move!

[Sunshine Scribe]

Oh god. I would have done the exact same frantic manic panic dance. Then I'd have googled to confirm she was dying. Good for you for doing the police interrogation. Two year olds are most unreliable witnesses.

[jenn]

Oy... I so know your pain. We were out in the yard last week... my son (2) was puttering around the fenced in yard while I relaxed in a nearby chair. I kind of had one eye on him. So then I noticed him chomping on something and requested that he come show me what he had. He happily toddled over with part of a mushroom in his hand, and mushroom dust all around his mouth. I snatched him up and ran into the house to call Poison Control. They said that because there's no way to tell how much he ate or whether the mushroom was poisonous, I was instructed take him to the ER for a dose of activated charcoal. So off to the ER we went... a $250 copay and a ruined orange polo shirt later, he was fine, I was rattled and vowed never to take my eyes off him again. Jeeeezus.

(Oh, and while I was typing this post, he got hold of one of my morning vitamins piled up next to the computer. I just caught him before he put it in his mouth. It's just B-complex, but still.)

[Kvetch]

Just what I needed this morning, right? More angst in addition to my own!! EEK! I can feel your panic completely. I'm glad she didn't eat the pills. Or the foot scrubber.