Hi There, I'm Here for a Vulva Piercing

And other things you'll NEVER hear me say...

(Now with PICTURES!)

2) You know. These size 4 jeans are actually a little big on me. Do you have a 2 I could try?

3) Sure honey, go play another round. And take your time. Please.

4) Whoever invented the deep fried pickle is a genius.

5) Hey doc. Do you have a spare speculum I could take home to play around with?

6) I'll really miss Mississippi.

7) No no. The large red anal beads on the top left rack. Yes. I'll take those.

8) How will they ever find anyone better than George Bush to run this country?

9) To save time, just go ahead and give me that epistiotomy.

10) Hey Dad [in-law]. You should really check out my blog.

Thanks to Chris for the idea. Care to share any of yours (in my comments)?.

And yes, they do exist:

Deep Fried Pickles. On a bed of wilted Iceberg.

Comments

[UGG Shoes]

i love you post

[Asha]

I can't seem to find the time to read blogs. Exercise, on the other hand -- now THERE's something I can always fit in!

[kat]

hmmmm...deep fried pickles. they are my favorite!

[Lizzie]

to babysitter: "no I dont mind that you are cancelling an hour before we're supposed to be at my best friends wedding, really, its no problem. Have fun on your date to the movies."

to boss: "sure, pile on more work and dont give me a raise. I dont mind covering three new territories because you lost an employee if it will save you money."

fun!

[Jenny]

"Well I guess we better just give it up to the Lord."

and

"I just wish I could gain weight. I eat and eat but I just can't put on any weight."

[Silly Hily]

No, I don't mind you judging my parenting skills. I know you are much better at it than I am. Oh how do you do it? Please, please tell me!

[Damselfly]

Free massage? No thanks.

[Undercover Angel]

I doubt you'll ever hear me say any of those things either. LOL!

I will also never say:

"You're three hours late. That's okay that you don't know how to use a telephone at your age." or "That's okay that you like to put your feet up on the table, I like the smell of sweaty gym socks mixed with food."

Those pickles look gross - but I don't like pickles in the first place so that might be why I don't find them very appealing...

[joy]

can i change it to the country station?

I've had enough... (fill the blank with food and booze items here)

[Liz]

I guess anything can taste good when it's deep-fried...

[Sunshine Scribe]

Is it wrong that I am now craving fried pickles?!???

[M]

I love deep fried pickles!

[Elizabeth]

Mom101's comment made me laugh till I choked! Those deep-fried pickles though, ugh. Here's mine:

"Sure, Diet Pepsi will be fine".
"Cleaning the cat's litter box is really no problem".
"I LOVE when you wake me up at 6:00 am for morning sex".
"Why don't you let me mow the lawn?"

[StarWidget]

Go ahead and look - she *is* much cuter than me.

Oh, I just love pink camouflage.

No more wine for me, thanks.

Of course I understand why the DMV recommends running over squirrels and birds instead of stopping - people can't be expected to give you enough room for *that*. If you get rear-ended, it's your fault!

You pulled me over because my registration and inspection are expired, didn't you? Or was I speeding, again?

I can go weeks without sex because I'm a woman.

[chris]

I always have more to add:

"I love when you pee on the bathroom floor and I step in it"

"I really hope I can have more expensive and painful dental work done this year."

[Chase]

I forgot to mention I stole this from you yesterday. :) Thanks!

And, ooh yes, Oklahoma is all about the fried pickles, too. GROSS.

[KC]

To my husband: A deployment in Iraq sounds exotic! Thank goodness you're in the Navy!

To a patient: Here's my cellphone number, call me if you ever have any problems. Oh and here's my home number too, just in case.

[Melissa]

I am so glad that you posted what that was. I would never have guessed food.

[Suburban Turmoil]

Call me crazy, but I would TOTALLY try those deep fried pickles.

Or maybe it's just the diet talking.

[Dawn]

"Could you wake me up extra early?"

"Yes, Discover card, I'd LOVE to talk with you on a Sunday morning at 9a.m."

"From here on out, only giving blow jobs for me - my pleasure, don't worry about it."

[Stacy]

Sure honey, I'd love to play Madden 2006 with you.

[Her Bad Mother]

Um, fried pickle? Really?

Off the top of my head: 'Could you direct me to the nearest Scientology center?'

[Mom101]

-Tom Cruise WAS right! Thank God for vitamins.

- Laura, you've done such a great job with the twins.

-I only wish football were on every day.

-Mmmm....Freedom fries.

[Mrs. Chicky]

- I love the sound of Elmo's voice! While we're at it, would you chew on this fork for me? It adds to the experience.

- $3.00 for a gallon of gas? Pssh, that's totally worth it.

- Honey, what do you think will go best with this hot pink mini skirt? The tube top? You're absolutely right. Your parents will love me in this outfit.

[Lisa B]

Here's mine (said to hubby): You know how you like to say, "Just because you FEEL that way, doesn't make it REAL?" That makes perfect sense to me. Gag!

(Said to my mom)Can you call the priest at your church? Because I'd really like for my son to become a Catholic. And for good measure, I'd like him to spend several hours a week with a number of priests...

I should do a blog entry on this...

[Michelle]

I completely agree! I just saw a couple eating a fried pickle the other day. Weird... Only in the south!

As for me--
Thanks for cutting me off and then driving ten miles per hour on the highway.
With my next child, I'd love to be induced and have an episiotomy again.
More dirty clothes? Thanks! I can't wait to do more laundry.

[dennis]

this is one of those posts where i am most comfortable standing off to the side and laughing...

i suppose i should be thanking your lesser 1/2s for this bit of fun!!

[Kristina]

I think I'll skip dessert tonight.

Sure, you can invite her over for a 3some.

Don't be silly. Of course your mom can live with us.

[mrsfortune]

Um, have ya ever had a fried twinkie? Nope, not kidding. They're real, and they're spectacular. What a great list. I may just have to get in on that action.

[Izzy]

I just have one question.

Is that fried pickle business for real?

I seriously hope not 'cause it sounds really gnarly.

And you'll never hear me say this:

No, sweetie, Please don't get up. Not even once. I LOVE waking up with the baby at the crack of dawn every day for the past 4 weeks. LOVE IT!

[zygote daddy]

OK, OK. I'll add mine, but I must say I feel a bit outnumbered here:

1. "Actually, Honey, it looks like a cat died on your head."

2. "Can I please go out and get you french fries at 4am? That would be AWESOME."

3. "Not tonight. I have a headache..."

[karyn]

I'm good with yours.

Except the episiotomy one. One nine and a half pound baby and no episiotomy later, I learned my lesson and walked (limped, sobbing) around with forty seven million stitches for six weeks. With baby # 2, I threatened to put the doctor's privates in a vise if he forgot my episiotomy. He didn't, and after Baby arrived weighing in at 10lbs, I only required one thousand stitches and was far, far, more comfortable in the weeks postpartum.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm totally sorry I hijacked your blog. I'll post my ten on mine and leave some room here. Sorry about that.

[jouette]

1) Spam enchiladas? Yum!

2) I'm so happy, it's raining again!

3) No problem, boss, I'd love to work through my vacation.

4) I hope when I fill up my tank, the price of gas will have gone up again!

Loved your list. And your post below? Beautiful and heart-touching. Happy birthday to your Q.

[Cyndi]

"Brazillian, please"
"Paris Hilton is my idol"
"You're right....$500 jeans are TOTALLY worth it"
"Yes honey, go ahead and by "Grand Theft Auto" and I'll play it with you"
"Screw the environment, give me a Hummer!"
"I think I'll just have the next baby at the hospital...what the heck"
"No no, sweetie, I LOVE watching Nemo over and over!"

[mamatulip]

Of course I don't mind if you go to Manilla on business.

[Kathleen]

Ha! Thanks for cheering me up. I was having a rough day. I have nothing to add, I am too damn tired!

[GIRLS GONE CHILD]

-I'm meeting the sorrority sisters for Cosmopolitans at LAX
- WWJD?
- Please have sex with me while I'm sleeping, AGAIN. Oh fucking yeah.
- Decaf, please.
- No thanks. I quit.
- Oh this? I bought it at Target.
- Are they real? (What's the use asking?)

[mothergoosemouse]

Sue took mine (the church one).

Also:

I really don't want another drink, thanks anyway.

I think I'll forego surgery and just pray instead. That'll fix everything because disease doesn't really exist, you know.

[Christina]

First, I agree totally with all of yours. I might add:

Eh, I've already had one c-section, go ahead and do another.

Sure, I'd love an in-home test of your freakishly expensive vacuum cleaner! Stay for a few hours, won't you?

A two-hour wait (with a toddler)? It's OK, we'll wait for a table.

[Suebob]

Sorry about the double post. I had a power-plug issue in the middle and it didn't look like it had gone thru!

[Suebob]

This creme brulee is great, but I really couldn't eat another bite.

Oh, sure, please spray me with that sample perfume.

I'd LOVE to hear more about your church.

Candle party? Great! When?

[Suebob]

This creme brulee is great, but I really couldn't eat another bite.

Oh, sure, please spray me with that sample perfume.

I'd LOVE to hear more about your church.

Candle party? Great! When?

[DD]

Honey, of course I find your back-hair totally sexy and would NEVER suggest electrolysis.

[krista]

yes dear, you should quit your job and take out a giant business loan to be an artist full time.

[Francesca (Stuntmother)]

I bond with your list, especially 8 and 10. Only thing worse than parents reading blog would be in-laws reading blog. Gah.