Motherhood Uncensored

Better Make it a Coffee Black Today...

...because this sugary sweetness will be enough to flavor even the crappy shit you drink at work.

Look! She's cute and she draws!

And wait, there's more! She even sings COLDPLAY. Hooray! (lots of exclamation points today!)

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Cooking for a Toddler 101

Are you giggling yet? I mean "Cooking for a Toddler" is practically oxymoronic. Sort of like "Cooking for a pack of hungry gorillas who will eat nothing but bananas." Like really, who cooks for a toddler? I like to think of it more like "Guess which food will not come out as a chewed up ball of grossness."

As a baby, my daughter ate anything that came out of a jar. As long as it was soft and mushy, she would eat it. Actual solid foods were a bit of a harder sell. I imagine chomping on a piece of chicken with 8 teeth is somewhat disconcerting, however, I was a little scared that she was going to turn into a rice puff.

Now a blossoming toddler, she has a decent appetite and for the most part, will eat anything in pasta, cheese, potato, or soft meat form. Basically, the opposite of Oprah's diet - white and fatty, down the gullet it goes. Aside from the lovely canned green bean (or boiled to an almost mushy pulp) and the V-8 Fusion juice that has veggies and fruit juice (and no high fructose blabla or sugar), veggies are a hard sell. Like selling a toothbrush to someone with no teeth hard.

Similar to about 14,000 other things related to motherhood, no one tells you about this stuff. I figured out how to hide spinach in the mac n' cheese, mix avocado in the mashed potatoes, and make a mean "throw as many veggies into a cream of mushroom soup" casserole that goes over reasonably well. But other than that, a rabbit we do not have.

Considering my dilemma, I've enlisted the help of my pal Becki - you know, the Cooking with Whine goddess and recipe extraordinaire. It seems she has some great ways to get kids to eat their veggies plus a fun salad recipe that kids actually eat. Yes. She's tested it. Her kids eat it. For real.

So, hop on over there and check them out. And while you're there, I suggest checking out her archives. I think I saw cappachino muffins and some crazy yummy sounding cocktail that I might just have to whip up. And if you are motivating me to cook something, you know it's got to be good. Plus, if I have to look at another chewed up wad of broccoli, I'm going to need to drink something stiffer than a glass of ice water with lemon.

Cheers!

And if you have any great ways to sneak in the veggies, let me know!

How Not to Get Into My Pants

Hey! It's sex week here at The Mom Trap.

Okay. Just kidding. But seriously. Who doesn't like to talk about sex? Particularly on these here fun blogs that no husband or spousal unit would dare read. Hooray for anonymity and secrets.

So, it seems Kristina hubs has no issues with the libido, however, SHE just had a baby. Like 7 weeks ago or something. And we all know, NO ONE, no matter how that baby came out of you, wants to think about putting anything IN THERE at 7 weeks or however long it took.

And while I'd like to believe there are men out there that are really smooth and can work their way into their wives pants with sexy talk, or better, an offer to do dishes, do their own laundry, or best of all, take the kidling away for a day (or three), there are far too many men (some of whom we married or decided to have kids with) who use the lamest lines to try to get laid. And some of them actually do the opposite. Like TURN US OFF.

Here's her Kristina's dilemma:

Am I the only one whose husband thinks that, at 5 weeks postpartum, joking about 
have another one is the way to get laid?

What?! A man say a stupid thing and then still hope to get some? Why. I've never heard of such a thing.

I jest. And I imagine that you are NOT the only one, Kristina. So c'mon people. Leave a comment. Let's here the crazy crap that flies out of your man's mouth.

And if you have one, drop me an email. If it's a toughie, it might take awhile, as I'm enlisting the help of some certified experts to help you out.

What Makes a School?

I've been thinking about a few of the comments to my Kids Will Be Kids post the other day, and a few people mentioned their disgust with this notion and in particular how it relates to their choice not to send their kids to public school. Crowded classrooms, frazzled teachers, and pisspoor parenting sound like a recipe for disaster and more importantly, a really subpar education.

Strong supporters of public school education might disagree with me. Sure the budgets suck and kids can be a little wild, but find yourself a good set of teachers and a great administrative staff and your kid will make it out just fine. Alive, kicking, and edumacated to boot.

But here's the thing. If teachers, even the best teachers in the world, have a bunch of bratty-ass ungrateful kids, let's just say 20 of them, in their classroom, how in the hell can they be as awesome as they probably are? I mean, I just don't think it's humanly possible.

I speak from a bit of experience here, as someone who has taught music (of all things) in both public and private settings, elementary through high school, and I have to say, it's tough. I'm good at maintaining even the most inattentive child's attention, and I'm consistent in my discipline techniques. But seriously, half of my time was spent trying to wrangle some little buttwipe who decided it was funny to hack balls of spit in some girl's hair, or talk non-stop for the entire class period, or better yet, attempt to mock me, the queen of mockery. And you know what happens? No matter how hard you try to ignore, curtail, or kibosh the behavior, you spend more time than you should doing that shit and less on the stuff you'd like to be doing.

TEACHING.

I know that stuff is petty. Wah. Spit balls. But seriously, I've encountered way worse (hello JUNIOR HIGH) and it's frustrating. And no matter how well you prepare your own kids, I think you have to be concerned about peer pressure. Particularly for school aged kids, their peers have a huge influence. And if the peers quite frankly SUCK because their parents probably SUCK, then why should I send my kid to school there?

I really hate that. I mean, I'm all about giving schools a fair shake, and lord knows that even though I was homeschooled, the prospect of never getting a break from my child actually sends me into weird convulsions. I'm not for sheltering, guarding, or tucking my daughter away until she's 21. However, don't you think that schools have changed since we were kids? I mean, seriously, I wouldn't think twice about sending my daughter to school if it was 1982. But now, in 2006, it scares me.

I know many people do not have a choice in terms of their child's education, however, if you do, I'm curious to know. What are your thoughts about what makes a school? And how will you determine the best options for your child when school (and not sleep, pooping, sore boobs, and tantrums) is the pressing parenting issue?

Domestic Ignorance

My mother prepared me reasonably well. I had to do tons of chores. And I never took Home Ec. But people, I am domestically challenged. And let me tell you a little secret.

IT'S BY CHOICE.

If I won the lottery, the first thing I would do is hire a personal chef and a housekeeper. Hands down. I would pay oodles of money to not have to make another damn sack lunch for my husband or clean another dish. I would not miss it. AT ALL.

Nor would I miss folding 14 tiny onesies, boxers, and t-shirts every other day, vacuuming up tons of dog hairs, and scrubbing the toilet.

Nope. I wouldn't even cry a tear.

I really do know how to clean a house, cook a meal, and do laundry. So I don't use fabric softener, ground cumin seed, or magic eraser thingies (although they sound kind of cool). I make what I can (which lately, is very pathetic), use about 14 swiffers, and throw anything LIGHT COLORED in the washing machine at the same time.

I don't turn shirts or socks right side out when I fold them, I don't spray down the entire kitchen when I'm done each night, and changing sheets and towels is a courtesy I offer to my family. (Actually, I am getting better with that since with age has come some level of germ awareness).

And while I am very organized and enjoy a clean and tidy house, for the most part, it pains me to have to be the one to do it. My husband, the OCD one in the family, is extremely helpful - granted he will remind me about the ONE meal he cooked 2 weeks ago that was "so amazing and I'm the best cook ever." Whatever. But he does his fair share.

So instead of feeling guilty, I'm embracing my stance on the issue of domesticity. Screw "domestic engineer."  I'm sort of a "Domestic ignoramus by personal choice."

Anyone care to join me?