All Access, All the Time

I didn't really get the concept of childproofing. I figured that my daughter seemed pretty content buckled into her Fisher Price vibrating bouncy crack chair, so why bother with all the electrical plugs stoppers, baby gates, and annoying cabinet hooks? Even when she was crawling, the whole safety thing didn't seem to be that big of an issue. I moved stuff out of the way, shoved it in a cabinet, and she was as happy as a pig in a pen of Chinese sweatshop-made toys.

But it seems that as of exactly 5.4 days ago (and yes, I have been counting), nothing is out of reach for her.

Absolutely nothing.

And so I ask myself, what the hell happened that all of a sudden the world is her oyster, particularly my bra drawer, the cabinet under the sink that happens to have a hooky thing on it, and the dog food container (that has a tightly shut lid)?

There was a time, even just 2 weeks ago, where I could flip on Sesame Street, enjoy a peaceful rendezvous with the porcelain goddess, and all would be fine and well with my world. But a few days ago, I walk out to find an art gallery of "scribble pencil on wall" along with 14,000 pieces of shredded computer paper strewn in a hypnotic circle-in-the-fields type pattern on my recently vacuumed carpet.

ACK.

And then, just yesterday I was folding laundry in my bedroom and she walks in from a brief excursion to the kitchen bearing gifts of spray carpet cleaner, 2 plastic bags, and all of the contents from my wallet in her purse. And I'm pretty sure I found 2 screws and a washer in one of the plastic bags.

It seems that nothing, including my dirty green underwear that she decided looked pretty nice as a sash, is off limits anymore. Nothing is sacred, and everything is a toy, drawing instrument, or weapon of massive destruction.

Lest you think we are the most careless individuals on this side of the Mississippi (oh wait, we are IN Mississippi so I'm not sure where that puts us), we are generally very careful about putting stuff away. And in fact, everything that she finds, she has to open, climb to, or UNLOCK something in order to get it.

So, we've decided not to take anymore risks, and train her good and right.

Hey. At least I won't have to worry about any broken bones.

Comments

[mrsmogul]

I just watched an episode of the simpsons today in fact about child proofing. Homer becomes Mr. Child Proofer.

I'm happy my baby is still a sack of potatoes!

[Tori]

Hello...

You are very funny. I love this stage of inquisitiveness and yet recall it with horror...

"Where are my car keys?" Oh yes...
That's right, they are at the bottom of the little tykes car stuck into the pretend fuel tank!

And that new Clinique lipstick - kissy marks all over the mirror!

[Lisa B]

That photo at the end is so hysterical. Loved this post.

There have been many times in my child's life where I wished it was legal to shoot my child with a traquilizer dart. This phase was one of those times.

[Nancy]

LOL at this post and all the comments so far. I myself was picturing the water bottle like you put in gerbil cages, but I think someone beat me to it...

May I borrow the cage for Rosie when you're done? I'm tired of her eating markers, pulling everything out of the (supposedly babyproofed) kitchen cabinets, and otherwise employing destructive behaviors.

Also, LOVE the new pic. I knew you were a hot mama, but DAAAAAAMN!

[Mrs. Chicky]

I've been working on a book about dog training for babies and kids, but no publisher will pick it up. I wonder if it has something to do with the chapters on crate training, and prong and shock collars? Hmmm...

Well, anyway, I liked your idea.

[cyndi]

One day recently, I *thought* my son was happily playing in his room. And he walked into the living room where I was lounging with US magazine and said "A-meeer, Mama!" and waved me down the hall. I got up and said "What, buddy?" and he started pointing down the hallway and saying "Ay-pain! Ay-pain!" (that's 2 year old for "airplane"). I didn't see an airplane. "Where?" I said. "A-MEER!!!!" he gestured more down the hall. To the bathroom. Now I'm no dummy...I keep the bathroom door shut tight. And here is my son, pointing at the door crying out "AY-PAIN! AY-PAIN!" excitedly. And I'm thinking "There's an airplane in my bathroom??" and as I reached for the knob, I saw the ay-pain......artfully done in pencil a la' the 2 year old ON the bathroom door. Sweet.

[KC]

That's a super idea. Then, when she poops in the tub again, you can just lift up the cage, and she'll be strained!

I'm not looking forward to this stage.

[Chase]

Oh, sweetheart, just get a muzzle and tape some oven mits on her hands. That way she can't stick her fingers OR her mouth on/in anything.

See? I'm FULL of ideas. Call me anytime.

[katbliss]

Somebody suggested a water bowl and I was appalled, don't you know that could spill? Instead go for the Lixit. And then make sure to include a soft bed. :)

[Stacy]

Some kids will stop at nothing to get what they want. I got off easy with J. She was never really interested in climbing on top of things or breaking into locked drawers so I didn't really have to childproof.

[jennster]

i just want to say that i love your new pic! LOL

[Sunshine Scribe]

Baby proofing sucks. Toddler proofing sucks more. I was fully expecting you to post a picture of a granola with a leash though :)

[Melissa]

Dude, I tried that and it didn't work, she could get out. Get your money back. Just learn that what is hers is hers and what is your is hers and all will be right in the world.

[marnie]

Cages and leashes are so 2005.. I hear those electronic bug zappers work wonders at correcting bad behaviour. It worked great on my husband.

Although he is now my ex-husband. Wonder why...?

[Pattie]

The party's over...

Ah yes, I remember it well. babyproofing is the only way to have some piece of mind, although that cage idea is strangely enticing to me.

[Kristen]

I HATE BABYPROOFING- It's all fucking adult proof- so when you're done with the cage, can we borrow? LOL.

[sam]

With our first we childproofed everything in the whole frigging house and he ran smack into a door jamb and required stitches. We gave up. With my second I realized that the first kid was actually a warm-up to the HELL that this cute little girl can dish on a daily basis! She is Gozer the Destroyer in training pants. Yesterday while I was in the throne room she pushed up a chair to the fridge, got a tub of chocolate frosting and a spoon and hid in the coat closet....very nice. We cover the plugs and hide the sharp stuff but for the most part anything and everything can become the next pile so I just try to roll with it.

[anastasia beaverhausen]

That post SO sounds like you're talking about a human kid. Very, very funny.

[Izzy]

Holy shit! You got TWO YEARS of freedom from all the baby-proofing crapola? I know it doesn't feel like it but you are beyond lucky.

We've been dealing with it since P started crawling and that dog crate is looking like an extremely viable option because the kid is into EVERYTHING.

[Nichole]

I love this post!

"bearing gifts of spray carpet cleaner, 2 plastic bags, and all of the contents from my wallet in her purse." How cute is that?

We haven't really childproofed either. We have plugs on the outlets but that's about it. Baby E is more interested in pushing books and magazines off tables and pulling on the cat's collar...for now.

[Hill]

Um...WHAT. EXACTLY. is the deal with the "about" photo switch?!?!?!

I LOVED coming here and remembering our martini-laden Mississippi bar night!!!

((sad face))

Erm. I guess you do look kinda hot here though, too....

[Liz]

Good call! Just be sure to put a water dish in there.

[mothergoosemouse]

Kiddie Crates! Just like a playpen, but with a lid! Really now, what's so objectionable about that?

[Latte Man]

... and now you get the point of child-proofing EVERYTHING.

It is not for the times that you can contain her, it is to ensure that you never utter a phrase that includes, "but she never _____ before. If only..."

[laura]

... happens in my house, too. Why didn't anyone tell me that M didn't need toys because the contents of my laundry basket would be more fun? Or even that the actual basket would be more fun?

[Crunchy Carpets]

Hey that is the type of dog we are getting!
And yes I also have pondered the many uses of the 'dog' cage!

Makes me quite giddy.
We were lulled into a false sense of security by no. 1 child and have been caught flat by the demon who trashes EVERYTHING. Books, dvds, cleaning products, cat food, my pots and pans....anything she can get.

Maybe it is girls more than boys!

But then I recall the barricade we built for no 1 boy out of dining room chairs, because who were we kidding...entertain? eat at the table??

[Alissa]

We had a dog when my oldest was about 18 months old. The dog slept in a crate in the back room. One day I found Drew sleeping in the crate. With the door closed. He had been playing back there (totally childproofed area) for about 10 minutes and I noticed how quiet it was. I went to check on him and there he was, locked in the crate asleep. I took a picture, opened the door, and left him there. DH thought it was funny. My mom was horrified. :)

[Andrea]

Oh yes. Just when you think you have their tendencies down pat, they change them on you. My son followed me outside to check the BBQ grill one Saturday. I turned from the grill, and two feet behind me and in my presence, he'd managed to get a piece of charcoal in his mouth. Gah! The aftermath wasn't as bad as it could have been and I don't think he swallowed any. But Dude! with the constant vigilance!

[fizzle]

Your new pix is cute!

The nice thing about the dog cage is that you can see her and be part of all the tantrums, and yet it's its own selfcontained babysitting kit.

Porcelain goddess. Think bigger. Afternoons at the neighbors.

[Lotta]

Isn't it though? So far my daughter can't hold a candle to the madness that was my son at 2. I often had fantasies of duct taping him to the wall so I could sit down for 5 minutes.

[Heidi]

You know, a smaller crate might help her self potty train as well.

I mean, it worked with our dogs. It's def worth a try with a kid.

Perhaps I'll get out Macey's old crate and use it for L. Hmmmm.

[Jaime]

Nice leash reference Krista!!! :)

I have been so tempted by that smae cage!!! I just stopped trying to have a perfectly clean and put together house. Now it just looks like I hired a 2 year old decorator!

[Jaime]

Nice leash reference Krista!!! :)

I have been so tempted by that smae cage!!! I just stopped trying to have a perfectly clean and put together house. Now it just looks like I hired a 2 year old decorator!

[Her Bad Mother]

I just said to the Husband this morning, 'Remember the good old days when she was a swaddled-up larva?' Now it sees that she can get at everything, and the more inappropriate the better (dust bunnies, apparently are tast-EE. I'm just waiting for her to figure out how to pull up carpet tacking.)

And now you tell me it gets worse? Bring on the cages and the leashes.

[krista]

Why don't you just go back and get all granola crunchy like and get the leash?