And All I Could Think About Was Pooping...

The family and I verntured out for our first base pool extravaganza this weekend. It's always a risky undertaking, since the weekends tend to be crazy with wild kids and "I-usually-live-under-a-rock-until-the-base-pool-opens" adults, but we figured we'd give ourselves some respite from the near constant "big-pool" chants from our newly chatty daughter and venture out.

We found a cozy corner to rest our 12 bags and appropriately labeled pool toys (we learned our lesson last year with all the little toy thieves), and I was just starting to examine my new found stomach rolls and one lone pubic hair that had made an escape across the panty border (thanks to 2-year-old pregnancy hormones) and missed the clutches of my obviously piss-poor wax attempts, when there she was in all her glory - The teeny-tinyest out-of-womb baby I had EVER seen.

I tried really hard not to stare, but I was distracted by her little red limbs and fist-sized head covered with a huge infant hat. The young mother looked calm and comfy in a tube top and shorts, gently dipping her feet in the baby pool water while glancing lovingly at her little baby. People stopped over to "ooh and ahh" over her. But all I could think was,"Dude. Doesn't your crotch hurt on that cement floor?"

Turns out the baby was TWO DAYS OLD and the mom had enough whatever (morphine, perhaps), to slip on shorts, a tube top, and I imagine a well-designed sanitary pad, and go to the pool. I mean, really. Two days after I had Q, I was either flat on my back, or cringing as she latched on to my scabby boob. "Let's go to the pool for a cool dip" did not enter my mind even ONCE if only to throw my really annoying husband and screaming daughter in (just for a second, mind you).

Moving back to trying to figure out how to maneuver my bikini top so my boobs didn't look so freaking uneven, in comes yet another brand new baby. This one was 9 days old and just as small as the other one. In walked the mom - no waddle or weird "crotch-on-fire" walk to be seen - and down she sat on the very non-hemmarhoid friendly pool chair, smiling all the while. I even said "Wow, you're a trooper" which got a mildly loud chuckle - indicating either they thought they were idiots too, or I just made myself sound like a total wussola.

So then I thought. Who's really the freak here? Did they really have that easy of a time where they can just be out and about after 2 freaking days? Or did I over-exaggerate my total and utter confusion and exhaustion during the first few months... let alone days?

I mean. I'm pretty sure I didn't smile for a long time after having my daughter. And while I loved her with everything I had, I'm quite certain I didn't leave the house for at least the first 2 weeks, let alone slip on a tiny "pool-like" outfit and enjoy the hot Mississippi sun with my brand new baby.

And then I got a little pissed. Not only because I could barely take the heat (even in the shade), but then I was like - all these men, these husbands, are looking at you and your little capable ways and are thinking, "Hm...My wife didn't want to get out of bed for weeks." And then what does that do for the rest of us who couldn't even fathom a post-pardum fart let alone leaving the house for a pool jaunt?

But then I figured (and hoped) that maybe they just don't know any better, and I'd see their hubbies out later at the grocery store picking up Prep H, crotch spray, and gel nipple chillers just like the rest of us. Troopers my ass.

Comments

[Priya]

OMG...I'm with you. I couldn't walk or sit properly for almost 2 months! And I carried that cooling spray thingie, witch hazel pads, and peri bottle in the diaper bag for 3 months! So glad that I was not the only one!

[Nancy]

I can relate to Mrs. Davis' comment about wanting to get OUT OF THE HOUSE with the kids. But I cannot imagine taking a newborn baby to the pool, with all those strangers, and sunshine, and sunblock, chlorine... not to mention my own body issues postpartum. No WAY.

Fortunately, I had my girls in the fall/winter, so I had at least 6 months to prepare for bathing suit season each time. (though even now, almost 2 years postpartum of my youngest, I'm still not completely prepared...)

[Karla]

My daughter is 2 1/2 and its still too soon for me to go to any swimsuit related area.

[Daily Piglet]

Were they 18? It is Mississippi afterall.

I could barely take a shower, and I walked around the house with my boobs flopping around waiting for the next "feeding".

What you saw is just weird. Very weird.

[Mom101]

The kid was adopted.

[mothergoosemouse]

Dude - did you call me "honey"? "HONEY"?! What are you trying to say, huh?

[Amy]

First of all, 9 days after my daughter was born I still looked 9 months pregnant. No way I would have fit into a TUBE TOP! Secondly, there would have been a better chance of me inviting George W over for dinner than me leaving the house. Please! Who are these people?

[Mommy off the Record]

My crotch was on fire for 6 weeks postpartum. No lie. I would NOT have been out at the pool. But I do know mamas who were out and about right after they gave birth. A co-worker had her baby on a Sunday and was at work showing her off on a Tuesday. Then the following day she was spotted at Target. I know Target is addictive, but COME ON!

[Carrie]

I am with everyone else here, they were the real freaks, and most likely highly medicated!

And the bleeding, oh god, I forgot about that. There would be no way, and I had my kids in a variety of ways, there is just no freakin' way around that! GROSS!

[Kristin]

The mind reels with this information... I think they were lying to you and the kids were really 6 months old, yet freakishly small.

[Nixie Knox]

Dude, I can barely handle taking my kids to the pool now. And they are 4 and 6! Clearly, these ladies were over medicated and thought they were perched on the edge of their own tubs at home.

[kyra]

oh my god. the nerve of those show-offs! i didn't leave the house for, uhm, months, it seems! i was a waddling cow! the crotch! it was always falling out!

[jaelithe]

You are not the freak. I concur with the majority that these women are, in fact, the freaks.

My mother and sister were actually both supremely offended that I would not go out to the zoo with them with my week-old baby when my mom came to visit from several states away.

Would not take my second-degree torn labia (oh, yeah, baby), my rock-hard basketball engorged boobs, and my just-barely-made-it-to-full-term, jaundiced baby out, to one of the most crowded tourist attractions in town, in 85-90 degree heat, to walk for several miles.

My sister is childless. My mother, on the other hand, has had three children, who were all nine pounds, and I distinctly remember her staying in bed for WEEKS after my much-younger brother was born.

Apparently she's forgotten.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Yeah. I was thinking the SAME THING? Like. I'm not even a huge germaphobe but dude. THE POOL? Maybe in a bubble.

[Izzy]

Yes, yes, yes to the postpartum ickiness. I had it all.

But what I really want to know is WHO in their right mind brings a 2 day old baby to a pool?

Is it just me or does that seem a little...stupid?

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Haha on the pilot's wives. Oh Julie - no way honey. For real. I'm so far from that...

And GGC - you win the prize. Out the nose. I'm hurting from laughing.

And love the "vajayjay" "vagoo" for the big V. I'm SOOOO using those now. I mean, really, who has a vagina anymore?

[Pattie]

Were they really the babies moms? Not hired sitters? Superwoman? Or someone else in disguise?

[Stacy]

Adopted! They had to be adopted children. That new mom behavior just doesn't seem realistic.

[Elizabeth]

Do you know if the mother of the two day old baby had it at home? I've never known anyone who had even the smoothest labor and delivery to go home from the hospital that early. And cripes, is chlorine safe for a newborn's skin? Let alone the chemicals in sunblock or the SUN, for that matter? I took my babies out for their one-week checkup, but they went right into the car, were whisked into the Dr.'s office and out again and then right back in the house.

[Sunshine Scribe]

Now that's just plain crazy. I was 4 weeks not two. That's some special kind of drugs they got there.

Don't worry about the husbands...they weren't thinking that...they were looking at your uneven boobs. (ha ha yours and mine both sista)

[mothergoosemouse]

Officers' wives. PILOTS' wives. Required to be hot superwomen. (And you are a hot superwoman too, my friend - you just haven't had your lobotomy yet. I hope you never get it.)

I'll admit taking Tacy on a stroller ride to Central Park when she was six days old. But the pool? No fucking way, dude.

[HeatherJ]

Those women are freaks! Freaks I tell you. There is no way I would appear by the pool a few days after our kids were born. I was squirting numbing spray on my episiotomy, pulling on my disposable underwear with the industrial strength hospital grade maxi pad. Did I milk it? No way, I would have loved to go out and act like everything was normal but it wasn't. I didn't even attempt a swimsuit until around 7 months and it was no bikini.

[Lucinda]

Crap. I wouldn't have been dipping my newborn in a public pool for love or money. Oy the germs.

[Binky]

I would like to comment, but not after GCC. She used up all the funny and, I'm sorry, but I've got nothing. Good post, though!

[DD]

I'm pissed because even after you've had a kid, you're still wearing bikinis. You suck (in a nice way).

Maybe these women stole the babies and that's why there was no tell-tale waddling and episitomies, but did they have to make it so obvious by showing up at the same pool?

[chichimama]

I must admit I had my second out and about at 2 days old. And at the pool at about 9 days but I wasn't in a tube top, that's for sure! I found the recovery from the second to be much easier, and the thought of being cooped up with my two year old in the house alone was more than I could bear, so we went out to be with people, any people to keep me sane.

[GIRLS GONE CHILD]

Perhaps the child was born from her nostril. There is no way one can wear a b-suit with a glove full of ice in her vagoo. I mean, was she wearing kleenex in her nose?

[Christina]

Holy crap, how in the world did these women hide the industrial strength, Depends-like pads under shorts?

I had a c-section, so I had a slightly different experience, but 2 days postpartum I was just standing up and shuffling across the room for the first time! I wasn't fit to pass as a normal person for at least 3 weeks, and even then I still looked like an escapee from a mental hospital.

[abogada]

Sheesh. I didn't even get out of maternity clothes for months! What planet were these women from again?

[Blog Antagonist]

My oldest son was very small, only 5 lbs 14 oz., and I had a pretty easy delivery. Two days after having him we took him to visit my husband's huge extended family in N. GA. I really was fine.

My second baby was 9 lbs. 5. oz. I didn't leave the house for 6 weeks.

That said, easy delivery or not, I'm not sure I would have a two day old infant out in the Mississipi heat. And I fer damn sure was not in any shape for a tube top or shorts.

[Cyndi]

Yeah, I think I waddled, legs wide, for a good week or so after both. And, with numero dos, I was wearing maternity clothes for two weeks afterwards. Ugh.

[Jess R]

I'm with mama tulip. This body is definitely not ready for prime time at the pool.

Plus, I don't even have kids and I could relate to your pain here.

[fizzle]

Whew. I haven't had kids and a tube top is an unimaginable luxury. Partially 'cuz I have nothing to hold it up. Rest assured, these moms are cranky and hemmeroidal (sp?), and partially special to be taking a two day old baby out in the sun to bask in the pool.

[Mrs. Davis]

While I can't imagine taking a baby that new to the pool, I did have an almost manic period after my second son was born, where I wanted desperately to get out of the house - a trip to the store, a trip to pick up my older son from pre-school, a walk around the neighborhood with the stroller. I had this "look at me, I'm not pregnant anymore and I feel GREAT" thing going on that (I found out later) creeped a lot of people out. I was just so relieved not to be pregnant anymore, since I felt terrible for so much of it.

[selzach]

Are you sure they are the birth mothers? Holy sh*t, I had trouble sitting on our cushy couch for at least a couple weeks after Peanut was born. He's 18 months old now and I've been to a pool...ummm...maybe once since he was born.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Yeah. Not teen moms. They were officers' wives. One was definitely a first born - the other was a second born (but #1 looked to be 18 months at most).

[nonlineargirl]

Like Chelle, I'm thinking teen moms. My midwife friend has many times told me about the easy and fast labors of her teen patients. Their bodies are springier, and they don't know any better. (the latter being my reaction to ANYONE wearing a tube top, not just someone 2 days post-partum.)

[Andrea]

I was lucky if I remembered to EAT in the week or so after Gabe was born. If it hadn't been for my mom, I wouldn't have had more than one meal a day. I hadn't gotten used to the changes in our lives for a few weeks, let alone days. My friends were awed that we went to a card party 5 days after I gave birth, and they had comfortable reclining chairs, not just cement or unflinching pool chairs.

Even if I did have that smooth a recovery, I don't think I would've been taking a baby that young out into the sunlight and heat. Call me crazy, but I just don't think babies are used to sun enough to be out in it for hours at a time and I would've been a bit reserved about putting sunblock on their fragile skin. And I was only learning how to pack a diaper bag for a trip to the grocery store, let alone a trip to the pool. No way.

[fidget]

WTF? after my first kid i had like 254 stitches making sure that my butthole and vagina didn't merge into one big mess. Not to mention that i STILL LOOKED PREGNANT for about 2 months afterwards. With my second one i was only waddling for a few days but there was no way in hell i was venturing out for more than the necessities and zero possibility of me heading out for a tan. I mean I was sitting on pads so thick they were like F-in phone books. I think you are surrounded by freaks, FREEEEAAAAKS

[Redneck mommy]

Good lord, I was the poster child for the "crotch-on-fire" walk. I had to relearn how to walk as if my vajayjay wasn't flaming and burning. Not to mention the waddle. And my hemmoroids were my newest best friends. They were so large I decided to name them and have conversations with them.

No, you are not the freak here. Definetly them. They may not have suffered like us, but I bet their babies are going to be demon kids with bad colic...

[Beth]

I don't think I got out of bed for the first two weeks either. I see moms out with newborns and I wonder too, if I was really that big of a wuss. Nope. I think they are all crazy!

[chelle]

Since I was in the hospital for five days and our daughter for 7, it was not possible to attempt this feat.

My first thought was...were they teenage moms?? Then you said husbands and my theory was no good. I knew I was in no shape to be chilling at the pool for a few months after giving birth.

[3littlepigs]

I could not imagine leaving the hospital or my home with a 2 day old baby! What was she thinking? I know how hot it has been here in Ga and can only imagine that Ms is just as hot or hotter. Why would she expose a 2 day old to that type of heat?

[Michele]

I had a very easy recovery from my c-section, and in my drug-induced euphoria probably would have thought I COULD make it to the pool, but who the hell wanted to leave the nice cool hospital with all of the nurses fawning over me and changing my linens every two hours because my hormones caused me to sweat like Old Faithful. Go sit by a hot pool? Feh is right!

Then when I got home all I wanted to do was keep my new babies clean and safe from the germ world my doctors warned me about until they were 6 weeks old. And get dressed? For public consumption? Fat chance. I was lucky if I wore a shirt.

[macboudica]

There is no way in hell I could or would have been at the pool 2 days after having any of my kids. It was enough of a chore to get to the bathroom! And any spare time I had when not nursing or changing diapers I spent doing a rare but purposeful passtime-- SLEEPING, not cooling my crotch on some pool concrete. Ouch.

[J's Mommy]

There's no way you would have caught my post-partum ass at the pool. They had to be second or third babies. Think of it this way though, maybe they had a quick and easy recovery but they'll pay in the toddler years.

[Erin]

Now, I thought I had the easiest post partum recovery I'd ever heard of, but going to a POOL wouldn't have ever, ever, ever crossed my mind. Two days post partum, I was holding court in my luxurious hospital room, cooling crotch spray never more than 10 steps away.

I don't even think I was released from the hospital until my daughter was five days old.

[motherbumper]

How is that possible? I'm completely stunned. I could barely waddle to the loo and didn't want to wear anything but my mumu and that mattress strapped betwwen my legs (sorry to be so crude). And I know I got off easy compared to friends. What kind of drugs did they get? And are they willing to share?

[mama_tulip]

The pool wouldn't have been a distant thought days or weeks after I'd had my kids. Christ, the pool isn't even a thought for me *now*.