Don't Tickle Me.. Seriously Dooon't… ~ A Guest Post from GingaJoy

A week or so ago Kristen wrote to me and said "Joy, your perspective as a mother, a feminist, a Brit, and intellectual-type is always so enlightening and provocative. And I really like it when you use big words like "social-constructionism" and "wankfest," would you very much mind creating a post for Motherhood Uncensored that details the postmodern condition of contemporary motherhood during my brief absence in mid-May?" 

And how could I say no?  And this is why I bring to you a post I have been ruminating on for many, many weeks (indeed, a lifetime).  

Re: The extremely sad and sorry state of my pelvic floor before, during, and very much after my first pregnancy, OR: Why you should all be buying stock in Depends in the near future.

Well, this is Motherhood Uncensored, after all, and I thought to myself "why take the time to write a post about my tendency to pee myself on my own blog, when I can dirty up Kristen's with all the leaky details instead?"

My propensity for leakage has plagued me since early childhood. I was one of those kiddies who could not possibly tear themselves away from a game for anything as tedious as using the facilities. So I would hold on, and hold on, and on… until I was eventually forced to contort myself into some bizarre position (normally involving squatting somehow, and "sitting" on my foot). I'd had it if classmate (and bully) "Melanie" caught me in my signature position.

"Tickle her" She'd hiss, and her minions would be on me like a swarm of school-uniformed piranhas. I would get to go home in gym knickers with underwear safely wrapped up in newspaper "for mummy to take care of."

As my weak bladder took on legendary status well into my teens, my mum and aunts liked to comment on how I had better get some control "in that department" " because otherwise when you're pregnant, you'll be in real trouble, love.  You need to be able to stop in mid-stream when you're pregnant"

Stop?? In mid-stream?? You've got to be effing joking. Once this dam is untapped, there is no halting the mighty torrent, nothing at all. Indeed, no one ever explained quite why you needed to be able to stop midstream. Just that you had to…  When pregnant.  When I was with-child with #1, I conducted a few ineffectual trial runs at "stemming the tide" in my own loo. No joy. 

But the routine trips to the doctor's office soon educated me on the whys of the matter—i.e. "we don't need a gallon of your piss for testing purposes, thankyouverymuch." So I devised elaborate systems where the "sample-cup" would be swathed in toilet paper, and I would yank the receptacle clear halfway through the process.   The cup was always a little damp all over, and the marker always a little blurred, but no one ever hunted me down, called me a dirty girl, and asked me to pee, then stop mid-stream, on demand.   Which, of course, was my primal fear.

Fast forward to about one year two months postpartum when I decided to embark on an "enfirming" exercise routine. (I had to get rid of this swinging flesh-apron somehow).  I enrolled in an aerobics class, and when commanded to burst into jumping jacks I discovered a horrible truth. A truth of the "sling your sweatshirt casually about your hips as you leave the premises" nature.  A truth that denotes a lifetime of wearing "protective undergarments" for anything that remotely involved jumping up and down (or sneezing, or laughing, or coughing, or running to catch my son as he charges up the sidewalk in front of me). Or, a lifetime of reminding myself to intermittently "pelvic squeeeeeeeze" while I sit at the computer, peel the potatoes, or go to the hair salon. (And is it just me or do kegels make you feel weird down there when you do 'em???).

Last week I found myself in the doctor's office after experiencing a "scare" of the spotting variety in my 11th week of pregnancy with #2. In order to determine that all was well (and it was, thankfully), I was instructed to consume 64 fluid ounces of water 45 minutes before coming in so they could conduct an ultrasound. Now I was an old pro at this with #1, but now with the pelvic floor even more an adversary, the very act of getting into my car, parking, walking into the office, and sitting in the effing waiting room for 20 minutes (and all the while panicked that the worst might be happening)--it was sheer bloody torture.

By the time the nurse had called me, well… I was sitting in a contorted position, and like my 6 year old self, using my foot as an effective barrier between me and surefire public humiliation. I gave her a pleading look along the lines of "can't… get… up… gaaaaahhh" and then summoning all my might, I got to my feet, and sort of squatted to the ground (feigning a close checkup of my feet).   Somehow I managed to get upright--in a primordial, butt-thrusting kind of manner--and waddle over to the nurse, who thinking I was enduring hideous pain, asked if I was all right, to which I disintegrated into tears and wailed "I'm going to PEEE myself. Waaaaahhhhh!!!!" She kindly ushered me into the bathroom, and invited me to "empty your bladder as much as you need to be comfortable."  

"You mean stop halfway?" I whimpered.

"Just as much as you need, honey." 

And so I pissed mightily and lengthily. And it was good.

What have we learned from this little missive, ladies?

a) Kegels. They're not just about "enhanced pleasure for him and for her..." 

b) Pelvic floor--you don't want that thing flopping round your knees do you? Squeeeeeeze, at every opportune moment. Only you will know what you're up to, you dirty girl..(but take that bloody look of your face, for god's sake).

c) Ultrasound/Water Consumption.  Lies, I tell you! Lies!  They conducted the ultrasound quite fine without that extra 64oz sloshing down below, and next time I will simply sip on a perriere and avoid the agony. 

d) Cannot write d) as have suppressed the urge to wee-wee more than I should, which means must now find a graceful means to waddle down the hallway past my colleagues and take a slash... Buh-byyeeeeeaaaah..

Read more from Joy, my favorite PhD-holding, kid-leash using Brit, at her site, Gingajoy.

Comments

[Leesil]

Oh thank God I'm not alone. After 3 kids- and I thought enough time passed from the last- I took up martial arts with my youngest son. A good work out, but I am embarrased of my "leakage". I cringe when they ask me to do jumping and running.
And yes, I too am doing my kegels as I write. Waiting to see how long before the problem disappears!!

[fzchjevwl nwuv]

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[Abbi]

OMG, I hit the nail here when I googled "I can't jump without peeing myself": only my 4 yr old son knows that I can't last a minute on our new trampoline without weeing. In fact, it feels like I'm about to fart my guts out (sorry), it's all jigging around so much in there!

I went to the ob after baby 2 to say "Sort It Out!" and was told there was Loads they could do... but not til I was post-menopausal or suicidal or in nappies or something. Fab!

[Jessica Thompson]

This is a little late (considering the post was made over a year ago haha), but I found this when doing a google search on "weak bladder" trampoline. We bought one a week ago for my 9 year old and I thought, oh gee that looks fun. I'd never had one as a kid. So I jumped on it and had a play, while my daughter and husband stood and watched. I gave up after about five minutes and told them I had to go pee. When my daughter got on the trampoline, she said, "Mom, I think it's too late" and pointed to a wet spot on the trampoline. I didn't even realize it had happened. She's of course, told all of her friends LOL .. I'm humiliated.

[Nancy]

Thank goodness for those little Poise pantiliners. That's all I'm gonna say about that. (Except, great post. ;-))

[stella]

kegels kinda make me nauseous. that should have been on my list of things that make me barfy the other day.

is that weird?

[fidget]

swinging flesh-apron

Best descriptive phrase EVER

[Lia]

mwaaahahahaha on the floor with laughter - hands between my legs.

Nice to meet you - thx for intro MU.

[Jill]

Thanks for the entertaining reminder. I only seem to remember to do kegels when it's too late, ie I'm already jumping or running or skipping and you know, it doesn't make a scrap of difference then! Probably makes it worse because every release before the muscle contraction is too much of an invitation to just let go.

[jozet]

Say, that whole "full bladder" ultrasound thing is a bit of a crock, isn't it? In fact, at my last u/s, they told me to empty my bladder because the kid was using it for a pillow and they wanted him to wake up and show his hard palate.

Okay...gotta pee now, too.

[Suebob]

Wow do I feel better about my bladder control issues now. I am not alone!

I have a post about peeing my pants in public at http://redstapler23.blogspot.com/2006_04_01_redstapler23_archive.html

It's called "A Sudden Loss Of Control" on April 20. For some reason, I can't find a permalink, sorry.

[tracey]

I'm right ther with you. SOmetimes when I run, I pee without even knowing it. SWEAR.
It sucks.
And BTW, at my ultrasound I was trying so hard not to pee, for so long (they were running 45 minutes behind) and I was so contorted that when I did finally try to stand I had pinched a nerve in my lower back and I fainted. And they too let me pee (they're just lucky I didn't pee all over the waiting room floor) and they did the ultrasound on an empty bladder with NO problem. Bastards.

[Mega Mom]

I was totally doing kegels too!

Trampolining is tough for me. Thanks for all those gritty reminders of things to come...

[mamadaisy]

Was everybody doing kegels while they read this, or was it just me?

[emma]

Funny post. Almost pissed myself laughing lol

[macboudica]

Talk about the worst day of my life! An ultrasound after consuming 64 oz of fluid, laying on the table for 1/2 hour with full bladder, discovering I am having not one but two babies and not being able to get up for yet another 1/2 hour because the tech had to take two sets of measurements (one for each baby). I was in too much pain from not being able to relieve myself that I couldn't even be shocked I was having twins. All I wanted to do was pee!

[Blog Antagonist]

LOL! So funny, and so very true. My second baby was over 9lbs, and I am just under 5'4". My body will never be the same.

Loved your post.

[IzzyI]

Dude...pushing out a 9.6 lb baby ruined me. If I slack off on the Kegels, I'll pee myself just getting up off the floor.

Listen to her, ladies. She speaks the truth :)

[mothergoosemouse]

I was the same way as a child. No one ever tickled me, but I did give myself several UTIs and peed myself in first grade.

I had two c-sections, and while I don't wet myself when I sneeze or cough, I come DAMN close. If I'd actually pushed a baby or two out my hoo-ha, then I'm certain I'd be stocking up on Depends myself.

[nonlineargirl]

I have always had what I jokingly call "TBS" (tiny bladder syndrome). I was convinced that my IVF would fail because I had to pee three times while waiting for the doc to come and implant the embryos.

[GIRLS GONE CHILD]

Hahahahahahaha. That was great. Oh, boy. and btw, i lived in the bathroom while pregnant. It was a fancy life of toilet paper and US Weekly.

[Her Bad Mother]

Re: urine tests. Wait until after you have peed all over the cup before putting the ID sticker on it. Lesson learned.

Re: Kegels. Yes, they make you feel all funny down there. What I want to know is this: how does one do them without having a funny look on one's face? How is a modern, urban woman supposed to do these things during the course of an active day? While standing on line at the bank (like anyone ever does that anymore, but still)? With THAT LOOK on your face?

And? Will your insides really fall out if you don't do Kegels? Or is the cult of Kegel only a subjective truth to which I, as a postmodern woman, may or may subscribe?

[DD]

That was so funny (dare I say it?), I nearly pee'ed myself. Now that would be the commercial of the year to see a "before Depends" depiction of you in the OB waiting room. I'm kegeling now as we speak.

[Redneck mommy]

LOL! You nailed it!

And thus, the real reason mommy doesn't like to jump on the trampoline. Because her kids don't need to know mommy would pee herself like a two year old.

[Mom101]

Oh so funny! Thanks for reminding me of those heinous "drink eight bottles of water before your ultrasound" moments I went through in my pregnancy. I had to do it like four or five times. Argh! I feel your pain. Or is it pee?

[stella]

omg. that was hysterical!!!

[joy]

ah, a jump-roping incident. i forgot to add details about the glorious moment when i went on a trampoline with my 18 month old. not purdy!

[maria]

oh my freakin God..that was good. i know and feel your pain. my whole life i have been plagued with this problem and after baby # 2 i attempted jumproping...in front of other people. i do not need to tell you what happened. how embarassing. so nice to know there are others who suffer...we need special parking spots i think.

[Binky]

As bitter as I am about my birth experience, there are a couple things a c-section is good for...and an uncompromised pelvic floor is high on that list. This post makes me wonder why I'm so militantly adamant about having a VBAC next time around ;)

[mama_tulip]

Ha! My first was 8p7oz and my second was 9 on the nose. I can't bend over with out squirting some liquid out.

[krista]

Haaa, I can TOTALLY relate. My first baby was 8,11 and the next was a 10 pounder. Do you think I will ever be able to sneeze again now without leakage? Or howabout in my areobics classes at the gym when they are all doing Jumping Jacks? I always pretend to be too tired to do them and instead stretch while they hop around because if I do the stupid Jumping Jacks, the remainder of the class would be uncomfortably done with damp panties. Ew.

Kegels.

Thanks for the reminder. I am doing them right now. And um. Yeah, it does feel weird down there when I do 'em.