I AM tomkitten...
I WANT them to change my name to something fun like "Tayka Cruise" or "Juana" Cruise" - I mean "Suri Cruise?" What kind of celebrity name is that?
I WISH people would stop pestering my dad... Chris Klein isn't a bad guy, really.
I MISS the test tube where I was conceived.
I HEAR my mom on the phone with Brooke Shields every day.
I WONDER why everyone is so damn quiet around here.
I REGRET that I had to pop out of my mom and see Tom's crazy mug.
I AM NOT an alien. However, I may grow up to be like one if someone doesn't remove me from this house pronto.
I DANCE like a baby. Go figure.
I AM NOT ALWAYS quiet. I figure someone has to make some damn noise around this house.
I WRITE "Psychotropics are Good" with my spit-up when no one's looking.
I CONFUSE Tom and my mom all the time. They're both "boobs" to me.
I NEED some freaking plain old breastmilk please.
I SHOULD start my own religion.
I START crying everytime my mom retires another pair of heels.
I FINISH my bottle of sugar water, vitamins, and goat's milk every morning. And then I spit it out at Tom - when he's home, that is.
I TAG Kingston Stefani-Rossdale and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Damn lucky bastards.
Sorry the tag took so long, Melissa. Thanks to Mom-101 for the inspiration.
PSAs:
*Have you read new issue of The Whole Mom yet? I'm honored to have my essay "Having it All" featured. Check it out.
*Have you signed up for Mom Ready? Free cool columns that you'll actually read (note today's lovely ditty) and tell them I sent you.
*Have you signed up for the Cool Mom Picks newsletter? Um, hello. Free stuff to be won if you do (or you can at least try to win). Once a month people. No spam.
Very funny. I'm LMAO
Posted by: Karla | June 02, 2006 at 04:06 PM
Nicely done, lady! I'm still thinkin' on the Chris Klein bit...you think so? really? I totally buy it.
Posted by: Mom101 | June 02, 2006 at 12:25 AM
Ahhh... Yes. Move over Ron Hubbard, Suritology is becoming VERY Popular!
Posted by: Meagan | June 01, 2006 at 07:15 PM
Dearest Suri-TomKitten-Holmes-Cruise,
I just heard a rumor today that your mom and dad may be splitting up. Say it ain't so. And if it is, does Matt Lauer get custody?
Posted by: sweatpantsmom | May 31, 2006 at 03:21 AM
God that was funny. Poor kid.
Posted by: Chag | May 31, 2006 at 12:53 AM
I think all these celebrities are confusing the name of their kids with the names of their pets. I bet you they name their mut Tom or Sally - and their kids fruit and veggie names.
Posted by: Jill | May 30, 2006 at 10:50 PM
Ha! You made me laugh so hard I scared the cat. Nice.
Posted by: Jenny | May 30, 2006 at 09:10 PM
What is with these baby names? Suri Cruise? Kingston Stefani-Rossdale? Shiloh Jolie-Pitt? They all sound like the names of pedigreed show dogs.
Posted by: Nancy | May 30, 2006 at 09:09 PM
Chris Klein isn't a bad guy"
Took me a minute to get this one, then: HA!
Posted by: Amy | May 30, 2006 at 08:23 PM
Ha! "They're both boobs to me"...classic! Great meme :)
Posted by: Mommy off the Record | May 30, 2006 at 07:36 PM
Haha! Good stuff Kristen. Very clever.
Posted by: Jess R | May 30, 2006 at 05:14 PM
I saw Mom 101's and laughed so hard. Your is just as great!
Posted by: Lisa B | May 30, 2006 at 04:14 PM
When did this Tom Cruise paradigm shift occur?? In Top Gun we all lusted after him thanks to the shirtless volleyball scene... then suddenly he is slamming depressed new moms and jumping on sofas.
I used to like Katie too... but she is tainted. So is the kid. Suri is going to turn out like Michael Jackson.. wait and see.
Posted by: marnie | May 30, 2006 at 03:49 PM
Love it. Couldn't have said better how doomed to be screwed up by those nuts that poor kid is.
Posted by: Kristen | May 30, 2006 at 02:28 PM
Love the essay. You made me cry, but I loved it.
Posted by: Melissa | May 30, 2006 at 02:04 PM
Shit girl, I love it. Pure genius. Not an alien, huh? I'm not so sure about that one.
Posted by: Melissa | May 30, 2006 at 02:00 PM
LOL! Simply beautiful.
Posted by: Christina | May 30, 2006 at 12:57 PM
You rock. That is all.
Posted by: TB | May 30, 2006 at 11:52 AM
"I CONFUSE Tom and my mom all the time. They're both "boobs" to me."
*snort*
Posted by: mama_tulip | May 30, 2006 at 11:41 AM
Ok, that was GREAT!
Posted by: Kristin | May 30, 2006 at 11:38 AM
"Chris Klein isn't a bad guy"-Ooooh, Kristen! What, are you saying that the whole pregnancy was orchestrated as a publicity stunt? That it's odd that Katie disappeared for about 3 weeks right after her pre-arranged meeting with Tom? That maybe Tom just wanted a pretty girl to squire around to all those photo opportunities? Noooo, say it isn't true!
Hee hee.
Posted by: Elizabeth | May 30, 2006 at 11:36 AM
BWHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
most awesomest meme EVER
Posted by: Fidget | May 30, 2006 at 11:20 AM
That was absolutely a gem of a post.
Posted by: macboudica | May 30, 2006 at 11:07 AM
Too damn funny. I needed this. Off to read your essay...
Posted by: Redneck mommy | May 30, 2006 at 10:28 AM
Hey, where's the Jesus meme? Hahaha...Tayka Cruise...priceless.
Posted by: Pattie | May 30, 2006 at 08:46 AM
Love it. And love your essay at The Whole Mom. Lotta bloggin' love here. Better start my day.
Posted by: Kvetch | May 30, 2006 at 08:30 AM
You are ruthless!
I chuckled.
Posted by: krista | May 30, 2006 at 08:10 AM