Parent Hacks Rejects

Dog Crate Nanny

Billy Joe Bob found a great use for your old dog crate.

If you are done with that there dog keeper thing, it makes a fun little house for your kids. The metal floor will keep ‘em cool in the summer. And sometimes when they get real tired like, we just let them fall asleep in there. Then we can just lock it up and we don’t need to worry about ‘em changing the tv channels, eating all the damn cheetos, or mussing up the furniture when we make an emergency beer run.

Hair Replacement for Dolls

Moonunit Windbreaker sent in this creative one for helping those dolls who are having some hair loss issues.

In honor of Earth, Wind, and Moonbeam Day, our children decided to shave the heads of all their dolls. The next day however, they realized that this fate did not align with the planetary continuum and we needed to replenish their lost strength. So, I decided to start collecting my personal shavings in a bottle and offer them as an alternative. Using a little water and dandelion flower glue, place your leftover whoo-ha coverings on the doll heads using recycled toothpicks. You’ll find that the fuzz works just as great, and you’ll feel good knowing that your furry goodness is being used for a worthwhile cause.

Placenta Pizza

Aurora Borealis gave us this 'tasty' alternative to sending your placenta out with all the rest of the hospital medical waste.

Placenta Pizza: Grind placenta. Saute in 2 tbl. olive oil with 4 garlic cloves, then add 1/4 tsp fennel, 1/4 tsp. pepper, 1/4 tsp paprika, 1/4 tsp. salt, 1/2 tsp. oregano, 1/4 tsp. thyme, and 1/4 cup of wine. Allow to stand for 30 minutes, then use with your favorite home made pizza recipe. It's a fine placenta sausage topping.

 

[Via for more great recipes, including pasta, lasagna, and a tasty cocktail]

*I’m one of the 100,000 plus people that looooovvveeee Parent Hacks. The combination of “I can’t believe someone actually tried that” and “Why the hell didn’t I think of that”  makes it one of my everyday must reads. And while I find the information invaluable and cheap [read: FREE], the spoofer in me just couldn't help but come up with a few rejects.

Comments

[sarge]

i love placenta, the other red meat. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[Lisa B]

These were so funny. I just woke up the boy. But it was so worth it. (Good think I wasn't drinking anything when I read this. It would have come out my nose!)

[KrimoJo]

My friends made placenta chili - no joke. I wasn't there to try it, but they all say it would have been better if they had cut the placenta into smaller pieces.
Remember that when you make your placenta chili...

[jess]

Ugh. That is so gross.

[J's Mommy]

Never heard of Parent Hacks, but thanks for including the link!

[Dawn]

Somewhere, in my house, the saved stump of belly button/placenta is floating around.

It just seemed Wrong to pitch it.

I think Vlad could totally write for Parent Hacks

[mrsfortune]

Mmm ...placenta pizza ... Make sure and tell GGC and weird girl. :-) I brought up the whole "edible placenta" thing in my childbirth class and everyone was shocked.

[sweatpantsmom]

Ha! This is funny...

But I have to concur with MetroDad - I may never eat pizza (or lasagna) again. And we're having a pizza sale at the school tonight. I'll make sure I don't quote your post to the PTA.

[Her Bad Mother]

Ah! Missed the 'whoo-ha'! I'm not alone in sick-fuckedness!

But am slow.

[Her Bad Mother]

You just know that somebody out there is actually doing the dog crate thing. And baking their placenta. And as for the replacement doll hair strategy - is it just because I'm really, deep down, a sick fuck that I assumed that the 'personal shavings' used to create a 'fuzz' were not leg, underarm or beard shavings?

Don't answer that.

[MetroDad]

Kristen...I absolutely love your sick and demented sense of humor. Don't ever change! I will say, however, that I'll never eat pizza again. Damn you, woman!

[Chag]

Dog crate? Never thought of that. We just stuff our son in an old Pampers box when we're done playing with him.

Funny post!

[Pattie (Domesticator)]

Hilarious! I've been lurking around your blog for a few days...great stuff! You know, if it wasn't for the fennel, the placenta pizza sounds like it's to die for! UGH!

[Kristen]

LOL Stu - thanks for playing along.

[Stu Mark]

Dear Parent Hacks:

Problem: My kids won't stay put, or they get underfoot while I'm trying to clean.

Solution: Velcro wallpaper and Velcro clothing. They stay right where you put them most of the time, and hey, if they wriggle too much and fall off the wall, well, that's a good life lesson.

[Liz]

Moonunit Windbreaker...did she go to Sara Lawrence? I totally think I know her.

Hysterical (as always)!

[Kristen]

LMAO Asha (the Parent Hacks Mastermind BTW).

[Asha]

To whom it may concern:

Thank you for your hack submissions. I'm sorry to say we won't be able to use them on Parent Hacks at this time. They are very "creative," but -- how can I say this gently? -- the work of someone who's disturbed. Please consider taking some parenting classes or reading a classic book we find helpful: "Beige Motherhood: Because kids like things that are bland."

Best of luck, and we look forward to your submissions in the future.

Best,
Parent Hacks Editor

ps. Social Services will be dropping by later this afternoon.

[something blue]

Gross and hilarious!

Thankfully we ate pizza last night. I might not be able to have it for a while.

[Emily]

I swear when I was pregnant and watching all those sappy "Baby Story" TV shows, I saw a family make a pate out of the placenta, what was then eaten by a group at a 'welcome baby' party..

Um....no...I'll stick to the cheese cubes and veggie sticks...(and to be safe I'll pass on the pizza too)

[chelle]

hehehe I enjoy Parent Hacks too!
You come up with the funniest stuff!!

[redneck mommy]

Placenta pizza. I'm so going to have fun suggesting that to my sister when she pops - any day now! Thanks for the gross out!

[jozet]

You are evil and I love you.

My children's placentas, by the way, were probably dumped in Atlantic Ocean by one of Philadephia's corrupt waste management employees and are either still swimming somewhere off the Jersey Shore or have been eaten by large tuna and are part of someone's sandwich.

Placenta Pizza...why I outta.

[Christina]

You had me laughing until the placenta pizza. Now I'm laughing and grossed out at the same time. Yuck!

[Kristen]

And see, they could have saved themselves the heartache and made a nice lasagna.

hahahahahahaha

[Fidget]

my parents kept my sister's placenta in the freeze for YEARS. It would jump out at you when you opened the freezer door, horrifying visitors and actually broke my mother's toe. I think it serves her right for storing medical waste next to my french bread pizzas