The Art & Science of Tipping

On Monday I enjoyed my highly anticipated trip to the pedicurist. Around here, it’s really just a glorified foot car wash, but seeing as how I could probably get a job as a hobbit foot double these days, I figured it might be time to get something done. It’s usually quite painless and sometimes even nice. However, I dread the tipping.

It seems that with food service, tipping is pretty cut and dry. Granted, I really hate ending a meal with a sometimes difficult math equation, but basically, if they’re friendly and remember your food and drink in a timely manner, I’m happy to give them at least 20%. Sure, there’s always the hypervigilant hoverer (who might as well just sit down and eat with you), the MIA waitron, or the bitter college guy who is only nice to tables of hot girls, in which case I tend to knock of a buck or two. I save my “even-it-out-so-you-get-stuck-with-pennies” or worse, the “ripped $1 and you-suck-ass note” for only the really bad cases. But still, most of the time, it’s simple.

I find tipping at the salon reasonably easy as well. Don’t scald my head or ask me (or anyone else with HAIR) if I need conditioner, and I’ll throw a few bucks in your cup. Don’t make me look like a skunk, give me Jeanette Garofolo bangs, or decide to use your other hand to cut my hair, and I’m happy to leave you with some decent cashola.

But at the SPA, I have no fucking clue what to do. On one hand, they are holding my foot and scraping dead skin from them onto their lap. That, in itself warrants a good $10. But, then again, they did choose to do this… I mean, are there really forced pedicurist slave rings out there? And, how vastly different are the skills from one pedicurist to another? Sure, one may scrub a little harder or push your cuticles up a little more, but basically, I haven’t found too much variance in mad toe painting skills, at least here in my lovely town.

However, on Monday I had a very clear understanding of a good pedicure, namely because I did not get one. So, here’s my new pedicure tip figuring method:

Pain (subtract as you see fit)

Scalding hot water = - $1

Bleeding toe = - $2

Scrubbing the bottom and TOPs of my feet = - $2

Conversation

Saying the word WARSH (when referring to wash) = - $.50 x 3 (for each time she said it)

Saying the word Nipple (when referring to her new breast implant stitches) = + $1 x 4 (for each time she said it)

Saying the word Dag-gummed = - $1

Suggesting I get my daughter’s ears pierced = - $1.50

Customer Satisfaction

Leaving the room to take a call = + $3 (finally, some fucking SILENCE)

Not telling me my feet were gross = + $4

Not telling me I could be a foot model = - $4

Not providing ear plugs or jello shots = - $3.00

And since I couldn’t figure out how the hell to add and subtract all that in my head the total tip came to: $6 (for a $40 foot massacre with nicely painted toes)

I know it’s way lower than I usually tip, but I decided that objectivity and science are the best way to go. I’m perfectly happy to tell her my method at… my next appointment. Hell, beggars can’t be choosers, and it was kind of fun.

Comments

[Heather]

I also prefer the silent pedicure. But personally, I prefer the quiet spa, which I haven't found here yet. I want to lie back on my rolling chair and enjoy having my feet rubbed.

[Julie]

I'm recalling that Seinfeld episode where they're discussing how they converse with the masseur/masseuse out of pity.

Screw that. In the good old days, part of the stylist's/aethestician's job was to LISTEN to the CLIENT. Not to share their own verbal diarrhea.

And those hobbit feet are just awful. Grody to the max.

[Mom101]

Oh, and a huge LAUGH towards MegaMom.

[Mom101]

Oh. My. God. I need to get you up to NY where the aestheticians tend to leave you in peace to your In Style--I mean, those things are fat! You need total silence if you're going to make it through one in 45 minutes.

I'm also a crazy big tipper, which is only partly due to the fact that Nate waits tables.

[Nancy]

I don't ever want to hear about a stranger's breast implant stitches. NEVER. Not even if it's in a celebrity rag.

I don't do too many pedicures because I'm afraid of the Pedi Gone Bad. Some of what you describe -- with the bleeding, talking, etc. -- definitely would qualify. Or ending up with scaly, gangreneous-looking feet like the ones in the pic. Bleahhh!

[Lucinda]

Oooh, this is why I hate getting pedicures. They're usually AWFUL. Your tip was totally fair. I think it's the same as food service. 20% if everything goes well, 15% if there are some glaring errors.

[something blue]

When I first started dating my now husband, I had a long conversation about tipping with his ex-girlfriend and her boy toy of the moment. This surfer dude insisted that he didn't believe in tipping at all! I just kept thinking "You (hubby) used to date this skank and she's now hooked up with this ultra low life. I hope none of that negative energy goes into my hoochie."

Your tip was more than fair.

[Amy]

I'm just in a bit of shock that a pedicure costs $40. In L.A., I can get a mani/pedi combo for $20, and a pretty decent one at that (no dag-gums, or blood!)
Of course, I also could, if I chose, get a $125 pedicure, maybe that's where I'd get the dag-gums! ;0

[tracey]

Dag-gummed???? Whaaaaaaaa?
Where one earth did that woman come from and how do I make sure I'll never run into her at my "spa"?? YIKES!!!

[Dawn]

Where was the foot wax thing? You know the one they dip your feet in parafin and let them sit in soft lotiony footies?

Don't they give you wine at your spa? Shit, they lube the hell out of me. By the end and three glasses of wine I'm passing out $20's like nobody's bid-ness.

[Mega Mom]

What the heck? You're in Mississippi. The pedicure shouldn't have been more than $14.99!!

Sorry, I know I just broke the #1 rule about how you can say whatever you want about your Mom, but nobody else better open their trap.

I apologize to Mississippi as a hole. Whole. I meant Whole.

[Her Bad Mother]

Oh, man. I thought that my unpedicured trotters were having it rough.

So, so sorry.

Oh, and I, like Christina, have also tagged you. Great minds think alike.

[roo]

I kept staring at that picture thinking, "Those can't REALLY be her feet," but so afraid to say anything in case they were.

Though I wouldn't be surprised if they were the "after" shots from that hellish pedi...

[Christina]

PS - You've been tagged for a meme. Sorry!

[Jess]

I would love to read this post, but I can't get past that first picture . . .that's a whole lot of ew.

[Pattie (Domesticator)]

Geez, I hope those aren't your feet....you would have to tip , like, $100 on that...
I went to a new place last week for a pedicure.... they had a movie playing that said mother f'er every other word, and naked women in it....how uncomfortable do you think I was??? I was squirming in my seat I tell you!

[mrsfortune]

Thank you for this handy equation! I'm going in to get my own hobbit toes sanitized tomorrow, and now I've got your tip guide to rely on. :-)

[Jess R]

Aaaaadfghhhhh!! That picture!!!! I laughed my ass off at this post, and now I have a very flat posterior indeed.

The only pedicure I ever had caused me so much physical pain I kept trying to pull my feet up and away and my MALE pedicurist kept yanking them back down to hack at them some more. And? One of my little piggies has had a split nail for the past year and a half. Not saying that he did it, but...

[Kristi]

Oh dear, Kristen! Surely you could find a nail salon owned and run by Koreans. They know how to give you a GREAT pedicure. When we lived in Korea, I would get them weekly just for the massage.

[Lisa B]

I have been in need of a good system when it comes to that because I have no clue... THank you! heehee.

[Kristen]

Leg massage? What is this thing you speak of?

And SPM - for real? That is fucking hilarious. "Um. No. and Stop touching my head RIGHT NOW."

[Christina]

Here in Columbus, our Bath & Body Works store has a mini-spa in it. I love to go there, because they specifically say No Tipping. The people they hire are nice, the procedures are inexpensive ($35 for a relaxing facial), and no need to give myself a headache figuring a tip.

[sweatpantsmom]

Ha! I will print this out and tuck it into my purse for my next pedicure (which, at the rate I'm going, will happen in around five years.)

I once had a guy ask me, while I was having a shampoo, if I would consider cutting off eight inches of my hair and selling it to his girlfriend who made wigs.

[Kristi]

You didn't mention my favorite part of the whole pedicure--the leg massage. Did you not get one? My tip is based on the highly anticipated massage and the must-needed silence during said massage.

[Kristen]

Chase ~ LMFAO - Just click "Hobbit Feet Pics" - and there you go.

I'm still laughing. Dude. Cut me some slack on the feet. :)

And I'm glad I'm not crazy for thinking that a bloody toe is NOT good.

[chelle]

eeepp does not sound like a good experience. Pedicures are suppose to be relaxing and wonderful!

[Jaime]

I LOVE pedicures!!!! But if there was blood anywhere near my pedicure, no tip would be given!!!!

BTW---You're IT! I am tagging you! You have to visit my site to get the "rules"!!!

[mama_tulip]

Apparently I felt the need to tell you that twice.

[mama_tulip]

I get monthly pedicures -- it's one of the three things I treat myself to (which are pedicures/brow waxing, haircuts/colour and therapy, LOL) and honestly, if I had a pedicure like that, I wouldn't tip at all. Blood? Boob stitch talk? Yikes.

[kvetch blogger]

Blood = No Tip, in my book. Otherwise I usually stick with a basic $10, unless it's the mani/pedi combo and then I'll go for more. If I feel like it. Tipping might be optional, but service providers remember who tips well and who doesn't!!!

[KellyM]

Yes, a pedicure should be a private thing (NO TALKING). Yikes, we listen to non-sensical babbling constantly as moms as it is. If we do shell out any money for pedicures, we do it in the hopes of peace, quiet and relaxation.

[Chase]

I'm totally with Stella on this one...that picture made me want to varmit. And I'm docking YOU $3.25 for making me think for 5 seconds that those may, in fact, be your feet.

On the other hand, I love getting my feets done and love how quirky all those pedicure people are! So you can have back $2.75.

[J's Mommy]

First of all, where in the hell do you live? Second, I don't think 6 bucks is that bad. Having to listen to stories about nipple stitches is enough to have made me walk out. At least you stayed around for the end result!

[stella]

kristen. now. was that photo really necessary???

im already BARFY for the LOVE!!!

[Redneck mommy]

I haven't been brave enough to venture out into my hick town and get a pedicure. With my luck, not only would she scald me and make me bleed, but she would deafen me with none stop chatter. AND then after all of this, I would walk into the local grocery store only to have people stop, stare and point. Because with my luck the chicky with the big mouth would tell everyone that I have extremely hairy long toes. It is a small town and word travels fast...

[cagey]

I agree that any talking whatsoever should result in demerits. It's not relaxing in the least to make forced conversation and exchange false pleasantries.