I Interrupt Regularly Scheduled Programming to Bore You With My Racing Thoughts on Motherhood

I'm reading again. And I'm taking this as a sign not to post my rant about Air Force Spouse Socials... So consider yourself warned. I hate thinking sometimes. Damnit.

I'll have a massive post on this at some point (don't be cheeky - if you know me then THIS is not massive) - maybe when I get past the preface and chapter one... But let me put this out on the table for you to think about and discuss. I'd love to read posts on this. Anything. Think. Write. Read. It's burning a hole in my brain.

Must. get. it. out.

1. Are we perpetuating a false image of motherhood by "anonymously" blogging about the craziness, but keeping the facade of sanity and ease up for everyone else to see? And if we don't keep up the facade, are we embarrassed, guilt-ridden, or even remotely bothered that we are showing our potential lack of "skill?"

2. Are we being sucked into a vacuum of childhood overachievement and individuality that really does nothing but drain the shit out of us and make our kids long for the happy, easy going mom they once had (or maybe have yet to know)? By this I mean the 5,000 developmentally appropriate toys, mommy & me classes, and pre-pre Olympic tumbling.

3. And if we don't do all this, are we feeling guilty? Ever?

4. OR, are we being so overprotective of our children that we are depriving them of valuable experiences, such as limited time in a preschool, playgroup, even *gulp* daycare, and ourselves of a little bit of spiritual nourishment, respite, and self-care?

5. OR, are the options for said experiences so crappy that perhaps it's actually better for them to stay home with us/dad/nanny?

--

As you might have read in my False Advertising post, I don't really try to "do it right." I just do what I can, and hope for the best. On most days, I leave the house with all my clothes on, a little bit of makeup, and clean underwear. Do I feel guilty, bad, embarrassed, and ashamed? Sometimes. Although I have really started to make a concerted effort to take care of myself more, indulge when I can, and enjoy my 2 days/week when the sitter comes so I can workout and blog (in private).

Like a really good movie, I can see all the craziness of bringing out the brilliance of your child by the age of 18 months, and while most of the time I can ignore it, sometimes it sucks me in and I can't stop "watching" it. We do a few things here and there, but everywhere you go, people are shoving Leapfrog this and Babyeinstein at you from every angle. It's hard not to feel guilty that she doesn't know how to hold up two fingers yet or she can't sing her alphabet. The obsessive "I need to do this with her, and then I need to do this with her" thoughts can be difficult to handle at times. Plus, I skipped 2 grades, started college at 15, wrote two books, and was directing an undergraduate program at 26. So, overachievement is in my blood. Bad. Very bad.

I am torn about providing my daughter with more opportunities to play and enjoy time with other children. Are there days where I feel as though I am doing NOTHING for her? Yes. Are there days when I shudder at the thought of sending her to preschool at the age of two? Yes. The choices aren't that great around here, but it's not like I couldn't find a little place for her to go a couple mornings a week of I really wanted to do so. But, is it really that bad for me to keep her home? But should I be doing more with her then if I decide NOT to send her?

AAHHHHHHHHHHH.

Buy the book. Be prepared to think. Then thank Liz's mom for being all cool and shit and recommending the book.

Comments

[CannonAugusta]

Following my monitoring, billions of persons in the world receive the loan from different banks. So, there is good chances to find a auto loan in every country.

[the weirdgirl]

1. WHAT facade? Seriously, on my blog, in real life, I ain't fronting. I usually am the one saying the shit aloud that everyone else is thinking and I'm OK with that, even if it get's me "looks".
2. Yes, and I'm not subscribing to the craziness, thanks.
3, 4, 5. You know, I just want my son to be socialized, more than "developmentally challenged". I think social graces are just as important as brains, success, blah blah blah. A happy kid - that's what I'm aiming for. A happy kid with good social skills would rock. A happy social kid who is also smart and successful... all I can do is point him in the right direction - not push - and try to set a good example.

Do I feel guilty? All the time, about ten million different things. I think it's called "motherhood". But do I have to buy into every else's opinion of guilt? Nope. Or at least I can shake it off after a while when I have a freak out.

(I'm so frickin' behind on my blogging. Half the time I can't remember if I've left a comment or not.)

[Kelly]

I have two things to add to this post. First, some background on myself. I have two sets of children: a set of teens and a set of preschoolers. My Daughter is eight years older than the oldest of the yougner set of boys. So I have some years of maturity and perspective to apply to raising the younger ones(hahaha, I know). And only a short period of time in which I could actually afford financially to be all that as a mommy (so basically we have very little disposable income).

I had my daughter when I was very young myself and I was a single Mom, so I had something to prove to the rest of the world. I could and would raise the best damn baby and no one could stop me. I didn't have much money, but my daughter did not lack for anything. Educational toys, art supplies, preschool, pretty dresses, hair ribbons, plastic beads of every description, dress shoes, and all sorts of college theories (I started college when she was 6 months) applied without fail to her development (I think most of my outstanding loans went to her upbringing). Add that to her genetically engineered crotchey temperament, and WOW, what a girl. At three, she took on sales clerks demanding to know why they were out of Fruity Bubbles and Cream Bubble Bath. She had marathon temper tantrums that lasted hours. Eventually, I came to the realization that while all of my attentions were accomplishing my most desired goal, teaching her assertiveness and creating a true genious (yes, she was and is precocious), they were also making her (dare I say it) *spoiled*. We had to go through a massive Deprogramming when she was eight and her world changed forever: a sibling!!! She was no longer the center of the universe. She told me that she hoped the baby would die in childbirth or go up in flames or be deformed. More of the same when her twin brothers were expected a couple years later. Yeah. We had some work to do.

Also, have I mentioned that I have been perpetually BROKE since she was born. Except for one or two years, we have had almost no disposable money (read--we live paycheck to paycheck) for various reasons.

Oh, and now we have even less money because we unexpectedly had twins two years ago, I had to stop working and my fifteen year old step-son moved in and began literally eating us out of house and home...

So raising a spoiled brat and having no money have really changed my perspective. I am way more laid back. I don't worry about fancy educational toys when the paper towel roll makes a great sword. So do sticks out in the yard. The fancy toys they get from Christmas and birthdays are broken and have pieces lost and are all-together useless except for stepping on and crippling yourself with in the dark in days anyway. My younger kids wear hand-me-downs, while the older ones get a clothes budget--if they don't like what they can get with that budget, they can use their own money for clothes. The younger ones do watch a lot more TV than I am proud of, but I need to get stuff done sometime! The older kids do have several activities to which my husband and I are constantly driving them. But I feel that is better than the alternative. I know first-hand how much trouble bored teens can get into--my sister was drinking and smoking pot when she was my daughter's age and I was pregnant at 16. So I prefer to keep them busy with more wholesome (I have always hated that word, but it fits) activities. Definately, sometimes, I do get stressed with these five kids, and Mommy Time, what is that??? Believe me, those are the nights we eat chicken nuggets and frozen pizza and Mom screams like a banshee at the slightest provocation and everyone spends quite a lot of time in time outs. But we get by and I really have trouble feeling too much guilt. My kids are warm, dry, always well fed, and loved immensely. Our house is free of vermin and is somewhat clean. My husband and I are fastidious about having family sit-down dinners at least three-four times a week. We don't go out drinking or partying or have that around the house. We do the best we can by them, try to set a good example, set clear expectations, stick to the consequences, pick our battles and encourage them to be their best. We talk to them and listen to them and play with them. What we don't do is buy them lots of stuff. They seem happy enough.

[Heather]

I can relate to everything you wrote. I am adding this book to my reading list.

[J's Mommy]

Dammit ~ I wish I had more time to read and think about this. I want to answer your questions for myself, but alas, I have to run off to work on this sucky Saturday morning. I will be back, I just wanted to let you know I was here (am always here!)

[Nancy]

1) I do blog semi-anonymously (that is, few people in my real life know about my blog) because I don't want to embarrass friends and family, or use information about them in a public forum without their permission. But I am not ashamed to say that I am not a perfect mother, there are times I might look that way because I happen to have my act together that day, but often the next day I'll be scattered and stressed. I don't try to project any real image with respect to being a mom, except that I want people to know that I love my kids.

2) I'm resisting the overscheduling thing, which some other parents just can't understand. Why aren't you signing Mimi up for Hooked on Phonics? Because -- she's just 4, and she has plenty of time to learn to read. Why are you letting her watch TV? -- it's a good way for her to get some downtime in the evenings, and give Mom and Dad some too.

Let me clarify that I don't feel like i have to explain my parenting choices to *justify* my parenting decisions, more just to *educate* the people asking that there's more than one option. That it is OK to say no to certain pressures of parenting -- and that doesn't make you a bad parent.

It's weird, my self confidence as Me is often low, but my self confidence as Mom is pretty high.

[Lucinda]

In answer to number one, we are writing anonymously so that we can DISH about our "friends" without them finding out!

And I don't feel any desire to create a "perfect" upbringing for my baby- This probably has something to do with having two teenage stepdaughters to deal with, too. The first year of my baby's life, I was sort of ostracized by other new mothers for my attitude. But this year, I'm like the leader of the pack because I never tried to seem perfect. I think many moms start off trying to do everything perfectly, but by year two, they start getting real.

[Chantal]

I'm running behind on blog reading, but as for #1; Anyone who knows me IRL and on my blog knows I don't sugar coat it in any respect. I look just as frazzled in person as I do on my blog. I get it all done and do it well, but some days I look like I took the long road home through a blender!

I have four kids who are getting more and more active with each year. One thing I've learned about their activities and such is that it can be very social for me too. I've met some great people and been involved in some cool situations.

[Kristen]

I really appreciate everyone's thoughtful posts. I'm still processing everything - and I'm sure this won't be the last of it!

[Vern from Stella's blog]

I have thought a lot about all the blogging and wondered about how it serves a purpose or void. Seems great to me to be able to have feedback and discussion about your life without having to go to all those boring "meeting" or "social" crap...which are variations I am sure of the "military spouse social." The struggles are all the same with raising children. Guess at this point I can only opine from the other side...having a baby boy who just turned 30 and is at least is swell enough to have captured the heart of the wonderful Stella. What it felt like at the time, and what he reports as important to him now, are all the same. The times I put down what I was doing and hung out with him...dinner at the table talking about the day, showing up for ballgames and wrestling matches. It always seemed more important to pay attention and take his lead about what he needed. If you slow down they will tell you who they are...and let me tell you...you have a lot less influence on who that is than you think! You can teach them not to lie by not lying to them, teach the respect by being respectful to them, and teach them (to some degree) to laugh at themselves and their mistakes...but those traits you see at 3 you will see at 30. The more accepting you are of who that person is the better they will like themselves. (some might say I overachieved in that area...but that is for another post.) It is sort of like shaping a hunk of bread dough. Stand back with wonder and watch your child grow...there is a human being before you and they need to be seen for who they are...not who you fantasize them to be. And...they need a real person for a mom...not a super human they can never live up to. So, show them how to have an adult life, a good marriage, good friends, and a full life. What you show them is more important than what you tel them...by a mile!

[Mama Mia]

Wow. There are so many wonderful comments above and your post deserves a well-though-out response, but I will just say that the fact that you are even posing these questions to yourself means that you are a caring mom.

I think that for me I try to do everything in moderation. Chasing after the newest in developmental toys so that my child has everything on the market and making sure he is constantly occupied with playgroups, events, etc. is not the way I want to go personally. But I do try to involve my baby in playgroups now and then and expose him to new things (toys, people, etc.) as much as I can. But it has to really be something I enjoy too. I had to search for a while to find a playgroup where I felt comfortable with the other moms and now we both have fun. But if I didn't gel with the group, I don't think I'd be participating in a playgroup--even for my son. Keeping true to myself and making sure I'm happy and fulfilled is also important. B/c as I've heard other mommy bloggers say, "If mama aint happy, aint nobody happy."

[Lisa B]

I have a "friend" who schedules almost every minute of her children's time. Their lives are very structured and every toy or experience has an educational purpose. THe girls are very smart but they "freak out" if they don't have all of that structure. Their parents "lose it" too.

I think some structure is good. And I want my little guy to be smart but there's more to being "Smart" than knowing how to read and add before the age of 4. There are many types of intelligence.

The little girls are having problems fitting into their school so now the mom has taken them out to homeschool. (The mom has few friends and she's always telling me how she's gotten "into it" with the kids' teachers, the principal, or karate instructor.) It is sad to see the girls will most likely end up adults who are just like their mom -- controlling, anal, and unable to get along with most people.

[sweatpantsmom]

I think there is a serious epidemic of overscheduling our children that is taking place.

We know people who have their kids in an activity of some sort every day of the week, topped off by sports practice and games on the weekends. We've been given our share of guilt by parents who wonder how our girls are living another day without being on a soccer team.

We make it a point to have plenty of down time with our girls, meaning just hanging out, reading or doing 'nothing.' They come up with some pretty imaginative games when they're not being rushed around every minute of the day to an 'enriching' activity.

If that makes us slacker parents, then guilty as charged.

[Izzy]

I dont feel guilty about my imperfect mothering (and housewifing). I laugh about it. But then again I avoid the kind of people who wouldn't understand said laughing. I only surround myself with people who "get it"

The overachievement thing is crap. My son doesn't even touch toys, educational or otherwise. He just crawls around exploring everything else. I did a lot with my daughter and she is actually incredibly bright but I'm pretty sure it wasn't because of anything I did other than using big words around her. I do take credit for her amazing vocabulary :-) Kids need time to just BE. Don't get sucked in by all the propaganda.

The daycare/preschool thing is a personal decision. I sent my daughter to a 9-12 fun little morning program when she was 3.5 and she loved it but each kid is different. Either way, as long as you're not totally ignoring your child if they are at home with you or you have them in a good program with caring people, there's nothing to feel guilty about.

[stefanierj]

AGAIN I'm having trouble with the English language. I wanted to say that the benefit of coming late to the party was to be able to say "Yeah! What she said."

Which is precisely what I'm working on. Being able to say what Pattie and Binky said. Because it's what I really believe, but sometimes the BS propaganda that says otherwise does penetrate this feeble brain o' mine.

[stefanierj]

I know I just did this as Izzy's, but dude, when it's the benefit of coming late to the party. I'd like to echo what Binky and the Domesticator said. Of course, I'm working on being confident enough to mean it, too, but that's my goal.

[mrsfortune]

Wow, you must hold the record for inspiring the longest comments ever! All I have to say is that I have a friend who is an attorney for Cook County child welfare. Please don't ever, ever doubt you're a good mom. No matter what those effing books say.

Hah! Easy for me to say, right? I don't have a kid yet. That makes me the BEST PARENT ever. :-)

[something blue]

My friends and family know that I have a blog but I'm sure that they are consumed by their lives and therefore don't read everything that I write. I have no problem if they do. I don't claim to be perfect about any aspect of my life. Perfection is boring. There really is no such thing as a Super Mom that is doing everything right.

We need to recognize that every person and child is different. What works for one person is not going to work for somebody else. This is another interesting fact about being human!

We want to be able to provide and nurture our children. That can include singing and reading to them but spending time together and showing affection works the same way. The average child will be at about the same level as their peers by the time they reach five, whether they knew their ABC's at 18 months or not. It's more of a competitive parent thing. You don't see Sally on the playground bragging that she's only two and she can already count to 20!

Toys are just that - TOYS. We have got to remember that companies are preying on the insecurities of parents to get them to purchase all those educational toys. There is something to be said about pots and pans. Music is educational too!

Most people feel guilty. It’s natural. It's also a complete waste of time. People can feel guilty about sex, about what they eat, about goals they have pushed aside. Guilt can be all consuming. It’s the pressure and expectations we put on ourselves. We need to remind ourselves that we are doing a good job. That’s why I have fallen in love with the blog world. It’s a support system of people that share experiences. Most people are out there showing that they care about strangers. How amazing is that!

Thank you for your thought provoking writing. You ask all the right questions even though I’m sure you already have all the right answers.

[Julie]

I honestly don't think about this overachievement stuff too much. I've read a couple of great books about working mothers, and that's really as far as I want to go. I really don't much care what other people think of my choices - Kyle and I make the decisions that are best for our family, and I don't feel compelled to defend them to anyone. Likewise, I don't feel it's my place to criticize other people's choices.

That said, I do roll my eyes a bit at people who disdain day care or even pre-school. Many mothers do not even have a CHOICE as to whether or not they work. For those who do have a choice and do choose to work, they are doing what they believe is best for their families. I think it's awfully counterproductive to judge people (implicitly or explicitly) on how they care for their children - and for working mothers, choosing a day care or pre-school is PART of caring for their children.

[Mom101]

WOW I'll come back when I can take the time to read all the comments thoroughly because I'm guessing that whatever I have to say has already been said and said better by someone here. (And yay for my mom! Just wait until she gets you reading "Patriarcy as a Conceptual Trap"...)

[stella]

holy fucking crap. you could compile a book with the feedback here.

good post.

gee...having kids sounds EXCITING!

i think i'll wait a few more years...

i don't envy the pressure all of you feel to have it all figured out...and really, i can't imagine being in a position where it felt very difficult to separate myself and my beliefs from general public persuasion.

id love for Vern to comment on this...i'm going to direct her over here...im sure she would have some interesting input.

[Meredith]

1) I know that I am guilty of melting down in private or worse, in front of the kids, but then putting on that smiley everything is okay face when I go out in public. But I think I am wisening up. I see too many moms with these tense smiles glued on and sense that a lot of us are trying to look perfect in front of eachother. Why do we do it? I want to stop.
2&3) I have been part of that sign your kid up for 100 activities frenzy, each year I swear that I won't let it happen again, and then I start all over. I want to stop that, but I'd feel guilty if they didn't have at least some of the same activities as their friends.
4&5) I have sent my kids to daycare and preschool and enjoyed my time alone. But you can imagine the terrible guilt I felt on the day I showed up early to pick-up my 4 month old baby at a home day care, and she was there alone with a 5 and a 10 year old, while the lady ran an errand. That incident forever ruined my guilt free outings.

[Christina]

I certainly don't think I am perpetuating a false image of motherhood through my blogging. If anything, I think the real offenders are places like Babycenter.com (and I have a post brewing about them right now). I'm starting to really dislike many of the mainstream parenting books and places like babycenter for presenting a standard to which no parent can hope to achieve.

In real life, I am the mom walking through the mall with the child screaming at the top of her lungs. I'm lucky to have jeans on instead of stretch pants, and usually I look like I need a nap. I doubt anyone looks at me and thinks that I have it all together! :)

When Cordy was younger, I was obsessed with buying all of the educational toys and gizmos I could find. Did it help her development? Not one stinkin' bit, especially when she ignored them.

I've felt the guilt when I worked full time, and my personal decision was to switch to part time and remove Cordy from daycare. She never did well in daycare - napped for only a short period, woke the other kids up with her tantrums, etc. I'd like to send her to daycare when she's 3, but only if I feel she will benefit from it.

If I had a choice, I'd stay home full time. I have felt guilt that Cordy was behind on milestones because I wasn't there to encourage her.

I see blogging for me as a chance to work out my constantly evolving parenting style. I enjoy reading other blogs and seeing what works for them, and sometimes incorporating their ideas into my own parenting style. I hope that I can provide the same inspiration for others as well.

[Kristi]

You know, I stopped reading parenting books because they make you feel so stupid. I now just look back on my own childhood for answers. What made me happy back then and what made me sad? I wasn't shuffled back and forth between this and that and the other. I did not miss out and I'm not scarred from my experiences or lack of.
I like the laid back approach and as much as I can, I allow my kids to just be kids and grow up on their own time. Preschool at two, no; at three, yes. One extra-curricular activity each and lots of playing the rest of the time.

[TB]

Now you are really scaring me about motherhood. Truth is, I am sometimes exhausted with my life already and I don't even have kids yet.
Do you think that we are sold a bill of goods that things have to be a certain way? I mean, what's wrong with not sending your kids to all those classes and lessons and just picking one or two things to get them involved in? Why make your life harder than it has to be?
Again, I don't have kids, so maybe I'm speaking out of turn here, but I get terrified to think that my life is going to be turned upside down when I have a child because of the expectations of other people.

[Paula]

1. I don't see that we're portrying a "false" image. I'd say that all together, blogging rants and social restraint is a pretty accurate image of motherhood (and just being human).
I don't feel obligated to air all my fuckups, shortcomings and complaints to the general public (though I do sometimes, and it feels GREAT), nor do I feel obligated to make (or have the time to make) adjustments to my appearance to disguise the bags under my eyes, or the fact that I've worn the same pair of jeans all week. I make do with lots of water, an occasional haircut, clean underwear, and a classic wardrobe that doesn't take a lot of thought. I'm not trying to prove anything anymore. Less stress that way.

2. People are buying into these things. Not necessarily parents either...some of the toys I hate the most, (the ones that play little excerpts of Peter & the Wolf and the Nutcracker) come from my parents, may they rot in the circle of hell that suits them best. So yes, it seems like the vacuum is alive and well.

Not here though. No TV for the wee one until she's two. Then it will be DVD's. We listen to lots of music (music I like as well as some good noncrazy kid CD's we've found), spend a lot of time outside, read lots of books. Basically we wing it every day. Besides mealtimes, naptimes and a couple of nonstructured playgroups throughout the week (basically a lot of kids toddling and crawling around and getting used to each other), I don't schedule anything.

3. Nope. Just sane.

4. Someday, they all will have to go to school. Until then, I'm willing to let her play, and teach her along the way what time I need for myself. It's her time.

5. Heh. I live in Brookline. Baby mecca of the universe. Baby Einstien and boutique babies at every turn. I dress my wee one in her overalls, take her to the park, and let her coat herself with a fine layer or so of dirt for a while. She's having a blast. (except for those afternoon naps which are STILL and issue).

[Hill]

Er...am I the only one REALLY looking forward to you post on Military Spouse socials??

Hmmm...guess so.

BTW - have you hung out w/ B again ever?

MISS YOU!!

[Emily]

I'll be checking out the book, thanks!

Whoa, a lot of info to process and think about right now. I guess the first thing that hit my mind, when reading your first question, was THANK GOD for blogging. Because in real life we do all sorta expect ourselves and everyone else to be the perfect mother, and it does make you think of yourself as a horrible failure as a woman when you have to 'cover up' your mistakes or inadequacies for the general public. At least now in Blogville I know that other mom's freak out, screw up, and make bad choices in regard to life and motherhood.

(wow...that was supposed to be a "quick thought" I guess I'll save my other quick thoughts before this comment ends up longer than the actual POST...LOL)

[mama_tulip]

Again, Kristen...great food for thought.

I try to do the best I can as a mommy. I try to give both of my kids the attention they need and give MYSELF the attention that I need, because I'm a firm believer that if Mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy. I try to do fun, cool things with Julia and I also try to do things that are going to expand her knowledge and get her noggin working.

But I also have to be me, and I have to let her be a kid. I need time for myself and so I don't feel guilty if I plop her in front of the television so I can take a shower, paint my nails, chat on the phone or blog. And I let her do what she wants, too, however silly or goofy it may be.

And at the end of the day, my kids are loved and happy and so am I. And really, that's what I think matters the most.

[jess]

1. I think definitely. Blogging about the ups and downs, good and bad times helps, but really it only helps other mothers know that it's okay if it's hard sometimes. I think we, as mothers, need to let people know that all the above is true, yet, actually doing that is very difficult because we are so easily judged and so rarely appreciated.

2. Yes again! There is a trend right now to back away from all the activities and just let kids be kids. The social interactions at the park and quiet (and sometimes boring) times at home do just as much to stimulate development. I firmly believe that you can't force learning. It happens at it's own pace. That being said, days full of television aren't going to stimulate a child in the ways that daycare or preschool can.

3. Guilt is part of the job.

[Sarah]

I'm only going to answer your first question for now, becuase I think it is important.

I think sometimes motherhood makes us feel crazy. I'm guessing it has always been this way, it is just that technology lets us all tell everyone about it every day.

Also, we have the good fortune to live in a time where it is easy to get good help, and good medicine and vent about it on a blog or in a book.

[Amy]

This is where being an UNDERacheiver really helps. Who knew that being lazy would be such a valuable trait as a mother?
Seriously, though: I really value my own happiness and believe with all of my heart that my kids are better off when I'm happy. That's why my son went to pre-school (3 mornings a week) as soon as he turned two, and so will my daughter (I'm counting the days:76) Those mornings to myself make me a better mother.
Also, as to overscheduling, the last thing I am willing to do is run all over town like a crazy person, taking the kids from activity to activity. They can pick one activity per season and that's it. (Right now they are too young.)
I'm not that concerned with how smart they are, either. I'm pretty confident that they will be perfectly smart enough, and I actually DONT want them to be prodigys of any kind (athletic, musical, intellectual, whatever). the world has a lot to offer, and I don't like to think of the way they would be limited if all of their life was about their "gift".

ALl that said, when my kids grow up to be aimless, discontented moochers or whatever, I will only have myself to blame.

[Binky]

1. Nope, not embarrassed, guilt-ridden, or even remotely bothered by the fact that I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I've always worn everything on my sleeve. It's not in me to pretend otherwise. And there's something kind of liberating about that. But if it wasn't for some of the free-thinking, honest, and motivated-in-areas-besides-motherhood bloggers I've come to know, I admit I'd feel a lot more alienated by my ineptitude and my desire to maintain my own distinct identity.

2. I admit I really, really, really, really want my kid to be smart. Very smart. I constantly compare her to others, then try to rationalize any perceived shortcomings by reverting to the tried & true "they all develop at their own pace." Then I tell myself that there are probably some very smart and accomplished people out there who weren't walking, talking or doing much of anything at 8 months. And that at least stops the interior monologue long enough to let me get something productive accomplished before the voice inevitably comes back.

[Pattie (Domesticator)]

I read that book a few years back, and I really enjoyed it. Another one I love is "Confessions of a Slacker Mom." Anyway, answers to your thought-provoking questions:
1. Everytime I feel that I don't live up to the facade, there is a piece of me that feels guilty that I am not Supermom. Then I get a grip, talk myself out of "Supermom syndrome", and move on.
2. I am not personally sucked into the childhood overachievement vacuum. I have always been a believer in free play, and not overscheduling my kids. Besides, I was not going to run myself and them all over the place. It makes my life and their's a whole lot easier.
3. Do I feel guilty about the above? Absolutely not. Ever.
4.When I had my first son, I was a "Gatekeeper"...I couldn't give him up. I was the only one who could do anything "right" for him...then I had 2 more kids, and I got over myself pretty quickly.
5. I think it's a gift I give my children sending them to nursery school a few hours a week. Not to mention the confidence and joy they receive spending time with other children and adults. It's good for them, and great for me.
Enjoy "Perfect Madness"...I thought it was a great read. Great post today, BTW!

[Petite Mommy]

First off, thanks for the book recommendation. I have been looking for some parenting/mommy books to read and that one looks interesting enough. I am also reading What do you really want for Your children as suggested by another blogging mom.

I am constantly feeling guilty because I work at home and both my kids, ages 5 and 21 months, are at home with me everyday! They have never been in daycare or preschool and I don't want to send them ever because I don't think these programs are good enough for my kids. It's better for me to keep them at home. But, in the process, I am feeling neglected and I'm feeling guilty over not doing or giving my kids everything that I think I am supposed to. I do everything I can with them and give them all the time I can and ultimately I think quality time is what matters most.
I also question myself on a daily basis as to whether what I am doing is right because of what everyone around me says. It seems like so many people in my area plus every person in my entire family are pro daycare/public school and are against homeschooling period.

[Her Bad Mother]

I've been thinking a lot about number one lately, which is to say that I've been planning to post about it, which *may be* to say or at least imply that the answer is or should be 'yes.' I work out my confusion and anxiety about motherhood and parenting on the blog, and not so much in 'real life,' except perhaps with my husband and closest mom friend. Does this compartmentalizing of my different mom personae (scattered mom on the blog, together mom at play group) constitute part of a scheme to maintain an illusion of competency as a mother in those spheres where I have face-to-face contact with people? Maybe. I'll have to think that one through more carefully.

The other element of this that I think is interesting, though, is the possible connection between 'over-achieving' mom and blogging. Like you, Kristen, I've always been borderline manic in my over-achievement, and I worry about carrying this over too excessively into my role as a mother (and foisting it onto my daughter). And I wonder, sometimes, whether the blogging isn't in some part fueled by the same impulses that cause me to overfunction in other areas - not only will I be best friend/daughter/wife/professor/etc, I will be Best Mother! And so, in addition to the developmental play, socialization, careful attention to sleep and nutrition - I will blog! I will record every minute of Baby's life! Will write compellingly about Baby! Will compose odes to her beauty and charm! Will reflect thoughtfully on politics of motherhood! Will participate in community of literate and thoughtful parents so as to better understand parenting and so be the Best Parent Ever!

I have, in other words, a sneaking suspicion that blogging is a part of my overfunctioning. But it has also become necessary to my mental and emotional health, and is in many ways an entirely selfish enterprise (I am, for example, cruising my favorite blogs instead of washing Baby's onesies. Underfunctioning!) So, again, I guess that I'm not sure, exactly, where I stand on this question. Which means that I will have to forego organizing Baby's toys according to developmental function and listing them on index cards in order to write a lengthy post about this issue. Yay!

[Jaime]

I am not going to write a whole book here but be prepared for a book-long post from me soon at Supermom04!!! I am reading Mommy Wars (oh yes, that book made it into my house!). I have only read the 1st eassy but already I feel the same way!

As a working mom, am I harming my child by sending her to day care? Am I a bad mom because after 8 or 9 hours at the office, I just dont feel like coloring or playing with the LeapFrog (yes we own one) and god forbid, I just want to sit in front of the tv for 30 minutes and relax!!!!

In the past 2 years, I have come to find that it doesnt matter WHAT we do with our child, its that we are simply there with our child. Grace is just as happy cuddling with me after a long day at work/daycare as she is running around on the playground.

Okay, I said this comment wasnt going to be book-length so I must stop now before it officially becomes a short story!

One last word: You are all excellent mothers and are doing the best you can! That is all that matters to those little ones anyways!

[jozet]

BTW...is it all that bad for you to keep her at home?

No. Not at all. And believe me, even if you aren't doing something highly specialized and absolutley focused with her on that day, she's doing something, even just watching you. Believe me, that little brain is working. It can't help but.

[jozet]

A few quick thoughts, because this is my day to rush around like a madwoman and fulfill all my volunteering obligations, which I do gladly. Mostly.

Preschool. Great for some kids, not so great for others at certain ages and stages even in the best schools, but as long as the child is safe and taken care of...

You know, not so long ago on the evolutionary scale, we were living in large groups where most likely all women shared all the daily living and childrearing tasks. This sort of boxing up into individual 2,000 square foot houses (more or less) on 1/3 acre properties and demanding that one gal do it all is a fairly new concept as far as our psychology and even phsyiology go. I think that we're putting ourselves through a grand experiment that many times leaves our 10,000 years of instinct and biology scratching its head a bit trying to figure out which way is up and rearrange our synapses.

As far as the toys and games and interactions, etc. Well, we are demanding more of our children in schools (thank you NCLB) at earlier ages, and in the mainstream school systems, you'll hear things like Kindergarteners with no recess and being tagged as problem learners because they aren't reading at a certain level by end of year.

Me, I remember Kindergarten as singing A,B,Cs and playing with dirt.

Studies I've read say that, yes, some chidren who have no, nada, nyet interaction or enrichment at home will be more likely to struggle in Kindergarten, and possibly due to that late start...well, I've heard different things there. But as far as I'm concerned, enrichment doesn't mean Baby Einstein (thought I love those videos) and flashcards, but simply just reading to, allowing for independent exploration of - I don't know - the kitchen junk drawer - and just jabbering to the kid, involving him/her in the daily goings on of the household to some extent and engaging in snippets of "in the moment" learning.

Individualism? Well, yes, okay, everyone likes to be special. But the pressure to be speicial can be overwhelming and doesn't always make for good team skills (and I'm not just talking sports.) As opposed to say, Japan, another modern industrialized nation which moreso promotes inter-dependence from an early age, instead of the constant push I see in some of our children to do it on your own because it's the maverick, the stand out and stand alone that is celebrated in our country. Which can be rewarding in the many ways our society rewards success in its own definition, but can bepotentially...I don't know...lonely, stressful...?

Okay...that was long. Now I have to drive my kid to preschool. You make me think too much. ;-)

[Michele]

Wow - lot to cover:
1 - I have stopped trying to perpetuate the myth that I have it all under control. I do most days, but I dont know how, and when people ask me how I do it all I say "I dont know. I am exhausted." When I talk to other moms I am frank about my successes and failures as a mom.
2 - I do work full time and my one year old twins have been in day care since they were 4 months old. They love it, and I admit it takes some of the burden off of me feeling like I have to engage and entertain and stimulate them all the time. I am paying very good money for someone else to do that. Would I rather be home with them if we could afford it? A million times yes, but I admit Mommy, Daddy and babies are pretty happy and relaxed together every evening after our seperate days apart conquering the world.
3 - I dont worry about comparing them now because they are so young. But I know when they go to the private school we are planning to send them to, I will compare. I cant help it. But I wont force them into activities because all of the other kids are doing it. Our plan is to expose and encourage but never force. I am sickened by some of what I see out there of parents who over-schedule and over-commit their kids. Life is overwhelming enough without forcing them into more. They, like me, just need time to shut up, sit still, and process sometimes.