All I Ever Needed to Know About Parenting I Learned in Third Grade

I know that I have only been at this for 21 months, but I’m a pretty quick study. While I may not have any clue what the hell my daughter is saying half the time, or why she will eat a perfectly good piece of chicken one minute and then spit it out in 10,000 tiny chunks the next, I have learned the power of candy, bubbles, popsicles, and stickers – all four at the same time if necessary. I have figured out that putting her in time out on a fun “big person” chair with a direct view of the television doesn’t work for a punishment, but is a great way to get shit done around the house. And, I have concluded that DVDs are toddler crack of the very very good kind.

All those damn books talk non-stop about positive this and reinforcement that, but what about the stuff THAT REALLY FUCKING WORKS? So, I’ve taken matters into my own hands. Screw “the naughty spot.” All you ever needed to know about parenting was heckling you from behind or passing you a really stupid note. Yes. I sware. Third grade. So,  this one goes out to all my peeps everywhere who are too embarrassed to say, “I’m a sucker and my kid eats ice cream for dinner sometimes.”  Word to your slightly imperfect mother.

The Tattler ~ This parenting style is reminiscent of the bratty kid who stood around giving a play-by-play of all the fun yet terribly inappropriate stuff that was going on.

“Honey, the baby is spitting out all her food. At me. In my eye. Now on the floor. Oops, now smashing it into the carpet. Could you do something please? Maybe you should tell her to stop or something?”

No one likes a tattle-tale, now do they?

The Bully ~ Bullies make ridiculous threats that no one older than the age of 8 would believe, but yet they sound scary enough for you to shut your mouth and do what they say.

“If you don’t stop that, I’m going to take that Little People’s Village, hang it by the ceiling fan, and spin it around so many times that it will turn into Tupperware. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M SAYING TO YOU?”

The Nerdy Wimp ~ Do you remember the little kid that everyone took advantage of? You know, he sat alone at his desk eating his spinach quiche, juice spritzer, and sugarfree pineapple upsidedown cake all the while pushing his really huge glasses up his nose and reading the New Yorker.

“Okay. Have more cake. Ice cream. Lollipops. I don’t have any more money to give, but you can take my watch and car keys. You want to watch Girls Gone Wild? Sure. Let me just spit-shine the TV for you so you can see the large breasts more clearly.”

The Briber ~ I always liked the bribers. They could get crack from a crackhead – and all they had to say was, “I’ll be your best friend.” Un-fucking believable.

“When we get home, we’re going to watch all your favorite movies and eat ice cream. If you clean up your room, I will give you $10,000 dollars. Really. And you can spend it all on toys.”

The Bitch ~ Unlike the briber, the bitch was never really likable, but always very popular. She had 12 pairs of Dr. Scholls, a really cool Trapper Keeper, and a way to make you feel like the size of a small pea.

“No. You can’t eat that. Because I said so. That’s just how it is. I’m your mom. And what I say goes. That’s right. End of story. Buh-bye.”

The Clown ~ This poor kid always got in trouble for doing really stupid shit, like sticking an entire pencil up his nose, or eating an eraser. He was somewhat funny, but mostly annoying.

“Look. Mommy’s driving with no hands. Woo-hoo. Ooh look. Mommy’s head is between her legs. Peek-a-boo!”

Many have tried. Few have actually been successful at the “clowning to stop a toddler from screaming his guts out” act. Personally, I suggest “The Briber.”

 
So fess up people. I want to hear it. What’s your worst offense? I promise. The truth will set you free and we can all get a good laugh too.

Comments

[Tess]

I think I have done it all...I have done the bitch, the clown, and the tattler,etc...I have 3 kids (dd 14,ds 11 and ds 3). So at different points I have used all of those. I just laugh at some of the experts who say these things like...don't bribe them they should just listen....yeah right...they don't have kids. I have been the bad mom...making the kids get there own dinner....I like to think we are all human and therefore entitled to screwing up sometimes. oh yeah...dora is my best friend...my ds knows a lot of spanish for 3.....

[Kendra]

I am probably the briber/bitch when it comes to certain situations. Although with my 14 month old its the clown.

[Mom101]

Ha, this is just awesome. I think mine is too young for me to have a style yet, but Nate (ever the daddy) is leaning towards being the toadie: What do you want me to do? Clean the chalkboard? Buy you a pony? Okay!

[Mama Kelly]

i do a little of everything i guess

but with my oldest right now i fall into the bitch

her: its not fair (said in an annoying whiny tone)
me: sorry ... life's not fair
her: you ALWAYS say that and I don't like it
me: well get used to it, cuz it's true

[Michelle]

Oh my god! I've found my posse!
I do it all! I bully: If you don't knock that off I'm going to throw that $200 toy kitchen away (yeah right!) I always said "when I have kids, I'm not going to bribe. . . " but damn it, it works, sometimes, Mommy's gotta buy new bras! And god am I a Bitch, esp when Auntie Flow is visiting ( it's like I have an out of body experience, I can't believe some of the things that come out of my mouth!)

Hubby, total tattler- men are such pansies!

[tracey]

i myself like the "procrastinator" that Nancy mentioned. that's totally me. and then there's a boat load of bully stuff I pull. when i'm feeling really short tempered and snippy, my daughter asks me, "are you mean mom?" and I usually answer with a resounding, "yes". hmmmm...sounds more like a bitch than a bully. what do you think?

[Nancy]

I'm like Meredith - a little bit of bribing, then the bully if I need to resort to that. Also the Distracter whenever possible, especially with the nonverbal babe.

And oh! The Procrastinator! When mimi asks if she can have a glass of water: "In a minute." (as I keep reading blogs) -- she asks again, "Just one more minute." After she asks a couple of times I'll go take care of it. Bad, bad example I'm setting.

[Emily]

Hmm...depending on the day and time you hit me, I could be any of those. I'm also The Taunter...when the kids are particularly whiny, I'll just whine right back at them in the same voice, mocking them. In my mind my is to let them know how annoying they are being...but really it just pisses them off more.

[Meredith]

Bribe, bribe, bribe, then bring on the big bully, if that doesn't work.

[Marlynn]

I'm a bit of the bully/bitch/briber/clown, depending on the situation and my mood. The clown stuff works with my son right now for some reason, I think because he thinks he's pretty funny so he's trying to learn new tricks. I have no problems with bribery at all.

[Lisa B]

The Trapper Keeper. Wow. I haven't thought of those in a LONG time. (I always wanted one but my mom was too cheap to buy me one.)

Ya know. I AM a sucker who has let her kid eat candy for breakfast before. And honestly, I think I've got a little bit of all of those parenting styles. But I do alot of bribing. Matchbox car fruitsnacks -- it works!

[Daily Piglet]

I am all of those, is that bad?

Most of all, I am a Bully. I threaten to beat my children almost on a daily basis. Neither of them have ever been spanked, but you never know I could break one day.

[Izzy]

I'm a bullying briber. Not mean but full of appropriate threats "If you don't finish picking up all these whatevers, I'm cancelling your playdate for tomorrow" but I also go the other when necessary: "If you go all day with no accidents, we'll get french fries from McDonald's" And it worked, dammit! If I listened to books, I'd be picking up the whatevers and my daughter still wouldn't be potty trained.

[Kristen]

I'm a bully / briber. My husband is a clown. Our kids are totally confused.

[nonlineargirl]

With a 9 month old, the clown often works. More often I deal with her crabby noises by becoming her echo. You remember that kid, don't you. "You stink." "You stink." "Get away from me." "Get away from me." Instead of words it is just "aaaaaahhhh". This actually works with Earlygirl, but I am sure I am setting a bad precident.

[Lia]

I am a beserke, my mother was a beserke, my grandmother was a beserke....

it's the feeding that gets my super raging bitch mama out - sometimes I think she is gonna turn into a custard pot. It's good custard, from a good deli, no e numbers, but still.....

[J's Mommy]

I think you missed a category. What about "the liar?" Here's an example: "Oh sorry honey we can't watch Baby Einstein for the 435th time. It's broken. (Not) Sorry sweetie, I lost your favorite bedtime story - you know the one we read every single night, over and over. It's gone. (Not) Oops, all the Play-Doh dried up. (Not)

I am definitely in this category.

[Pattie (Domesticator)]

I'm with Something Blue....Distraction with my three kids usually works quite well. But when it doesn't I turn into the Clown first, then if that doesn't work, I lose my mind and become the Bully when I'm pushed too far...and I follow through on my punishment threats. Later, I have to ice my throat down from all the yelling!

[Chase]

Well, as a dog-mommy, I lean toward The Assaulter. My threats often include "bark one more time and I'll stab you in the eyes" and "Go ahead, pee on the floor...I will drown you in the pool I swear to god."

I'm just glad they can't speak english. I bet my neighbors call the cops sometimes with my out-the-back-door threats.

[Julie]

I'm a bitch. And a bully. But I bully with a sense of humor. That is, I'll make the ceiling fan threat, but I'll wink and grin as I do it. Which is actually more like the clown approach, now that I think about it.

[Jess R]

Hilarious post! Crap, I'm already a briber and bitch with the dog.

[Mrs. Chicky]

Now that we're knocking on Toddler-hood's door I am the Bitch in the house. The hubby, on the other hand, plays the part of that girl in school with the really tight jeans who got all the boys to carry her books for her just by smiling or offering a kind word.
"Honey, isn't it great that I'm feeding the baby? Oh, she won't eat this, could you make her some other kind of food (while he's sitting on his ass playing Look How Silly Daddy is)?" "Oops, we spilled some food on the floor. Could you grab a paper towel (the roll is within arms reach to him, but across the room from me) and clean it up?"

[Kristen]

I am SUCH a bad distracter -

Cyndi - I love it - the CAVER...

Here, dump out ALL your quarters from your piggy bank so I can finish this post... So bad...

and the trusty boob-offerer - isn't that the kid selling nerds and twizzlers from his locker? :)

And PS...

Who else is married to a freaking TATTLER? My huz is SOOOOOOOOOO BAD.

[Mega Mom]

Definitely the bully, but I DO follow through. Sometimes I do it without warning too. Like the time I walked past my 5 year olds room when he was supposed to be getting his pjs on, but was instead playing with matchbox cars. I threw them out the window w/o warning. Lots of crying, but much better behavior the next day. And you KNOW he doesn't dawdle when getting his pjs on anymore :)

[Jessica B.]

I'm the bitch-clown married to a caving-clown-tattler. Nice combination. ha!

[J.]

Bully/Bitch/Briber ... whatever the hell works. And a good healthy dose of the guilts works wonders with my daughter too. *L*

[kvetch blogger]

I'm the Bitch Mama with a few ounces of the unannounced Reasoning Mama thrown in. My kids are older than yours which makes "trying" to reason sometimes an option. It doesn't always work: You can't have a sleepover because you had one last night, that's why. You will be too tired to a)do your homework b) go to baseball practice c) function like a human being. I won't be tired. Yes you will. I won't. You will. I won't. You will. You get it. That's when its back to Bitch Mama. I said no because I can. Click. Oh did I mention these conversations are usually over the phone?, in person it takes much longer.

[GIRLS GONE CHILD]

I think my kid's too young for this. I'll call you in a year.

[krista]

What about the maniac? That's what I resport to in my darkest moments.

The maniac usually just screams "AaAAAggghhhhhH!!!!" very loudly, followed by a crubmling crying mess with apologies.

[Christina]

I'm totally a bitch, along with a bit of a Distracter-Briber.

"Mommy said don't touch the computer. No touching the computer! OK, here, watch some Wiggles and give me a few moments to finish blog reading!"

[Mama C-ta]

I'm not quite sure what I am..yet. Soon enough. For now I still rely on the boob.

Sleepy - here's some booby
Crying - do you want some milky
Hungry - Have some more tit
Being a pain in the ass - here suck on this and chill the heck out

[Cyndi]

Is there a "Caver" choice? Because I'd be a caver/briber with my son.

"No tv"
cries
"Sorry, no tv"
tantrum
"No TV!"
freak out hysterics
"OK FINE! YOU CAN WATCH DORA BUT ONLY ONE EPISODE!"

[Melissa R]

Bitch/briber here! I do most of my bribing when out in public, especially at doctor's appointments. I have given my two year old almost a whole bag of m&ms to keep him still for a test. It was totally worth it and I would do it again.

[chelle]

lol I am definitely the briber!! I bribe our daughter all the time!!

[Redneck mommy]

I meant cereal for supper. And a moment of peace.
Haven't had my coffee yet!

[redneck mommy]

I confess to a mixture of Bully/Briber. Seems to work. Haven't driven anyone to therapy just yet. And as the mom to two healthy happy well adjusted kiddies, I can tell you that when I threaten to duck tape them to the ceiling fan and turn it on high, they listen. Not that I'd ever do it. Not strong enough to lift them over my head. But they still believe it. I think I can get another year or two out of that threat before I have to think of something more creative.

And bribing, you bet your ass. Anything for a moment of piece. My favorite parenting tip: Cereal for breakfast. As long as they do the dishes without whining. Works every time.

[Kristi]

The Impatient Traitor-- When I hear fighting, shrieking and banging in the other room and have no desire to make sense of who did what to whom, I send them all to their room regardless of the facts. Guilt by association, baby.

[KellyM]

I am totally the bitch. It is the closet control freak that I never knew I was until I had 5 kids coming out. When I have time, the clown is always fun, but scores a ZERO for practicallity. But I like to keep them guessing. The kids listen better if they believe I am crazy =)

[Kristen]

Michele ~

Looks like we are married to the same man...

[Jaime]

I am a total briber!!! Whatever it takes to get things done with a toddler. I am however a bitch as well and there are times that I turn into the tattler (like when I am trying to forc emy hubby into the un-fun parts of parenting such as "Honey, the baby threw up all over my car. Its everywhere. She did it. Go clean it!")

[Her Bad Mother]

Well, my arsenal is limited with a 5 month old who cannot yet be bribed or bullied or bitched (and? I fear that those tables are gonna get turned on me BUT FAST) but I'm all over the clown business. I'm a singin', dancin', cluckin', headstand-while reciting-scenes-from-Lost-performin' FOOL and if I could do backflips too I would. ANYTHING to distract the sweet darling from whatever fit/squawl/attempt-at-world-domination she is in the midst of. 'Cause, duh - Bad Mother. There's a reason for that title.

You've gone and derailed me on what I was going to write about today, Evil Funny Kristen. Today must now be why-I-am/will-be-a-Bad-Mother Day!

[Michele]

I am a Bitch married to a Tattler.
For the record, I only had one pair of Dr. Scholls, but I had the best Trapper Keeper.

[mama_tulip]

I'm the Take No Prisoners kind of mom. If I say go to your mean I mean go to your room rightfuckingnow.

I'm also a briber, loud and proud. I have no qualms about offering candy in exchange for good behaviour in public.

[Kristen]

Oooohh peer pressure. GOOD ONE...

[something blue]

I often turn into the Briber at the park, begging and luring my almost three year old to go home.

I use Peer Pressure to encourage good behavior. "Look at that little boy having a temper tantrum. Ohhhhhhhhh he's naughty."

I also have mastered being the Distracter. "You can't have your way, but look outside! Is that a chipmunk?"

[Self-Proclaimed Supermom]

I am with chichimama, I am the bitch with a dose of briber too, bad bad mommy I am :)

[chichimama]

I'm the bitch. With a healthy dose of the briber thrown in when I get desperate.