The Blogging Mommy Wars - Part 2

It seems that the word on the blogging mommy wars has spread and other fabulous moms, mommies, mamas, bitches with babies, and dads too are taking on the topic. I'm not taking credit for starting the discussion as I'm certain other moms, etc. (how's that term suit you?) have discussed it in one way or another. But, I do think it's a very interesting and pertinent topic. (More links added today...)

After reading through the comments from my original post, and perusing the other great posts on the topic, I have more to discuss and share. You'll have to bear with me, however, as I'm feeling somewhat intellectual and not-so-mommyish *gasp.* So put on your big brain hat kids and let's dive in.

My rethinking of this concept of marginalization and separation amongst folks of the same culture (i.e. motherhood) started after reading Chag's post asking readers whether they would use a male babysitter. Not surprisingly but somewhat understandably, many said NO. I commented that while we are subjected to mass amounts of societal norms saying that women are better caretakers than men, and men who like children are pedofiles, I would hope that we could step above that, and consider it on a person by person basis - because, when you write-off an entire group of people based on culture (including gender) it's sexist.

Yikes. Did she just say that?

Yes, I did. And don't get me wrong. I have my sexist tendencies. If you live in this country, chances are that you do too. Mine are related to women's health. I prefer women doctors looking at my whoo-ha. Quite frankly, I don't quite understand why men would want to be a gyno. And that, is pretty damn sexist. The scholarly thinker in me, however, challenges this notion, and I will see a male doctor if mine is not available. But, this notion of writing off people based on your own negative experiences or preconceived notions is quite a strong part of this whole mom'my' blogger issue. Just because I have kids and write a blog doesn't make me a mommy blog - aka something you don't want to read.

Still with me? Good.

Continuing on.

I was mugged by two black kids during my post-college internship in Cleveland. It was traumatic and awful. And after that, I jumped about 2 feet back anytime a black person got off the elevator or came towards me. That was even worse - and seriously, quite embarrassing. Sure, I knew that not all black people are criminals BUT I was still reeling from the incident and couldn't differentiate. I'm happy to report I'm past the jumping. Phew.

Similar, in my mind, is this notion that one bad (or not-so-great) egg ruins the whole bunch. You think, please, just because you've had ONE bad experience with a black person doesn't mean you'd become a racist? Right. Not me. But some people. It happens all the time - gay folks, Asian folks, women folks. Our experiences (good and bad) have a strong role in shaping our values and beliefs.

So, here's my point (on a way smaller and reasonably unimportant scale - as compared to race relations, that is). People read mommy-type blogs. They don't find any entertainment in them. Then they see them as stupid, annoying, and frivolous. And so then they see a blog, book, whatever written by a *gulp* mom (or female with child), they instantly write it off like it's crap. Won't even give it a chance.  Sound familiar?

Perhaps the reasoning behind this movement to find a separate voice for the MOMs as opposed to the MOMMIES is so that we don't get the negative backlash that's being perpetuated. You see folks lashing out (in both positive and negative ways) within their own cultural group all the time. "Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I like young boys." or "Just because I'm Asian doesn't mean my mother owns a nail shop."

And, just because I have kids doesn't mean I write a "mommy" blog.

The other angle I'd like to take with this is that when we say we write a mommy blog, it means that we have allowed ourselves to get sucked into the mommy vacuum. The one that we never said we would go near. The one that makes us talk about our kids all the time and put them on the phone for them to say "aaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiooooooooo" to our friends. Essentially, we fear becoming "that mom."

And so, if we maintain our role as MOM as opposed to MOMMY, we are reminding ourselves that we are still our old stylish, intellectual selves, who care about the little and big things that life has to offer, and not just want our kids want for dinner. We are holding on to something we said we would never let disappear, no matter how hard it got and how overwhelmed we get.

Do I still think it would be great to be unified? Absolutely. But there is something to be said about making the differentiation if folks refuse to accept that there are a variety of styles within the mom blog genre.

Discuss.

--

If your brain isn't too fried, I suggest you hop over to mamazine.com, where you'll find fabulous, thought-provoking features and columns on all-things-mama, including my new column Misplaced Mommy. I know. Mom just didn't have as nice a ring. Fancy that?

Comments

[wvenro]

We are wilfully violating our new

[N.J]

I just want to point out (maybe this has already been said, who knows. there are a million comments) that preferring a man over a woman for a gyno. is not at all sexist. Sexism, although it has often been skewed by patriarchal asses who want to feel better about insitutionalized systems, is a system that indeed affects both men and women, but benefits men. Thus, something sexist occurs when men benefit from patriarchy - because women, and granted I'm making some pretty sweeping generalizations here, are still marginalized in society. Of course other privileges must be taken into account, but that's really another issue.

[Donna]

I blog about my life and the world I live in - that includes the years I worked in a glamorous industry, the trials and tribulations of dealing with PTA and everything inbetween. I embrace the "mommy blog" description (and am dreading the day when my 10-year-old stops calling me "Mommy"). There is irony when you compare the life I used to lead with what I transformed into once I had the child, got rid of the career and never felt efficient or in control of my time ever again. Some people find that entertaining and they return and comment. Others do not, and that's OK by me.

[Michele]

If you knew me back in grade school when I was the chubby kid with the bad perm, wearing floods and sporting a really bad perm, you would not be surprised to learn that I am once again SO NOT COOL.
I am fairly new to blogging and my blog is called, of all things, "Mommycakes". There isnt a whole lot of Mommy stuff there because it is just a name. I didnt love it but I also didnt know I was dooming myself to a lower rung of society when I picked it. Now I am too busy to move it all to something cooler. Nor am I so inclined. The whole point of the blog was to just give me a venue for ranting, venting, musing and a very occasional brag about my kids. I rock my own world of work, friends, marriage, family, social interests and more. I dont go to business meetings and introduce myself as "Mommycakes", nor do I intro myself that way at a party. I am a Mom and I love it, but I do have a life too. Unlike some of the people who chose to doom me to mediocrity because I dared to categorize.

PS - Found your blog by accident and I like it. I'll be back, sans the perm and floods.

[kvetch blogger]

I find this all fascinating and a little disconcerting that I am all wrapped up in making sure I am the writer of a Mom and not a Mommy Blog. I would think Mommy Blogs are for those with small children who still call them "mommy," for women who still talk about their labor and delivery. I am only now concerned with labor in terms of getting my kids to clean their rooms and delivery in the sense that I deliver my kids a million places in the course of a weekend. There is a difference. Thanks for making me think (it's one of the benefits this MOM derives from blogging).

[mo-wo]

Yep I can really get behing that word... Blog. With the exception of the day I hastily composed the name of my blog after my first 5 choices being 'taken'... I have never looked back, or down, on the Mother or the Woman part of it.

It did become its own avatar swiftly, mo-wo

[Mom101]

Your last comment here is a fantastic one. This is my dream at least - that I (or any one of us) becomes huge and popular enough that we take back ownership of the mommy/mom/mamablogger label and make it mean something great.

[Lisa B]

Ok I had to laugh at the comment that "just because your mom is asian doesn't mean she owns a nail salon." Too funny. But yes, it is true.

But you have some very valid points. Well spoken. And I can't wait to check out your column.

[Kristen]

I really appreicate all the thoughtful and TACTFUL comments that people are leaving.

I have to say that I personally do not have a strong reaction to the word mommy, as I know some commenters have mentioned. However, it has not been used to marginalize me or demean me (yet).

My life's work has been teaching college students that language (while seemingly insignificant) does play a big role in forming truths. People just say it's politically correct to say "person with cancer" or "child with special needs" - when really, it's changing how people think (there's LOTS of research on this).

I still get called Oriental and I correct people - my mom, who is Chinese, could care less. Everyone has their own reactions to terms, mainly due to their own experiences with them.

I think that if people have discarded your blog or made you feel like less of a person because they think you're a mommy and/or mommy blogger, it makes sense (albeit very sad) that a strong reaction might occur to the use of the terms.

However, I do that the value of your blog starts with the person blogging. If you feel your blog has value, isn't that all that should matter?

[Crissy]

Ok, I did make cookies today, but that had nothing to do with my child. It had to do with the fact that I am PMSing and needed a chocolate fix. So I happen to be home all day with my son (a full time job, thank you very much) and had the opportunity during one of his naps to cook said cookies, but there was no apron involved.

Does that make me a mommy, yes. Do I have a blog, yes. Do I blog about my son, yes. But I also put in my two cents when appropriate and talk about things besides my son. I wouldn't call myself edgy nor would I call myself Martha. I do have a brain and I intend to keep using it.

Can't we all just get along?

[chelle]

I am not completely buying into the whole "Mommy War" in general. I have readers across the spectrum from mothers, fathers, teenagers, to single and loving it people. Yes I am part of a larger community of Mother's that blog, but that is because we have something in common. I am also involved in the Mac community, shall we label that too? (wait we are labeled already!!!)

I think as woman we should be supportive of each other, despite our differences and our choices. If you like my blog, great, will I blog about my kid, yup, don't like it don't read it. I do not read blogs about cars, no interest there.

I say pssshaw to the war, lets be supportive, honest and keep it real.

[Emily]

I hate it when you make me think, dammit...lol

I hadn't realized ther was a mom/mommy war...and I have no idea what kinda blog I even have now....

I must ponder. Will be back after I get these few remaining brain cells warmed up...LOL

[melissaS]

"Crazedparent" brings up a good point. That Times article used the Mom(my) label and that riled people up, especially those featured, who felt he didn't 'get' the point of writing about parenthood on the internet.

"Neurotic handwringing...."

was the term used. At Blogher the term was used in a derogatory sense, so some people (parent bloggers) have felt the need to embrace the term and make it mean something new and not derogatory.

I continue to loathe the term and prefer not to have anyone but my children call me 'mommy'. And at 5 and 7, they're out growing that too. Not a war that I'm aware of.

And you know what else?

Even the blogs which fit the derogatory meaning for 'Mommy Blog' (write about feeding the baby, cleaning out sock drawers, the last playdate luncheon menu) are worthwhile.

They're worthwhile to the people who write them and they're worthwhile to the people who enjoy reading them. All blogs have their own value.

[Susan]

I'm a facilitator and have been for the last fifteen years for one of the largest non-profit organizations in the country started by moms for moms (The Mothers'Center). The issue that you raise in your blog, has been an on-going topic of discussion in groups all over the country. I'm ashamed to say that it's particularly worse in our country than it is anywhere else. We do have a group of moms in Germany who also started Mothers' Centers and their government subsidizes them to stay home so they can raise their children. Forward thinking starts at the top. Great blog!

[Jess R]

I'm with metrodad and a few other commenters here: I read you (and my other blog friends) because I love your writing and personality. :)

Incidentally, I loved your "That mom" post. Some of my friends are That Mom now, and I know I'll someday be That Mom, too. :)

[TB]

I think people like to categorize things because it helps for everything to have a nice, neat lable. Too bad the world doesn't really work that way.

[Julie]

Oy. I hate labels. I read who I like. And conversely, I would hope that people read me because I provide some entertainment. Categorize me however you see fit. That's the collective "you", not you personally, K.

One point that I just DON'T GET is how bloggers will rail against other bloggers for being a waste of space, or even POST snark castigating them for being a waste of space. Why would anyone be so concerned about who's blogging or why they're blogging or how serious they may be about blogging? Dude, GET A LIFE.

[Her Bad Mother]

I'm still trying to figure out what my thoughts are on this subject. In part, I think, because I'm still trying to figure out my thoughts on being called a mommy, or mom, or breeder or whatever. At 4 months, Baby isn't calling me anything yet, but I imagine that it will be Mommy (if she calls me Mother immediately, or by my given name, I'll take that as a problem). So I usually think of my new identity as Mommy. But I'm sensitive to it being perceived as somehow less serious than other identities I might have.

And I've also spent far too long in academia to be insensitive to the Politics of Naming. In fact, I would say that I am now so sensitive to such politics that I develop a rash when exposed. I once participated in a meeting at the university to discuss the formation of a women's caucus within our department. The entire meeting was spent debating whether it would be alientating to women to even call the group a caucus because, you know, COCK-US. The penile reference might Intimidate and undermine the Inclusivity of the Group. I never went back.

I've gone a bit off track here. What I wanted to get across was this: a) I usually get hives and so run away in pursuit of salve when the politics of language rears its ugly head, but b) I recognize that it *can* be an important and necessary discussion (the 'cock-us' discussion, not so much). It is in this case, I think, because what we call ourselves as mothers has everything to do with how we identify ourselves as mothers, and that is something that happens both individually and collectively.

So I'll have to give this more thought. Maybe work it out in a post. Thanks, Kristen.

[Kristen]

Aw MD, you're so nice!

And Fidget - I kind of like you decaf style. :)

[MetroDad]

If it's any consolation, I never thought of your site as a "mommy blog." Simply put, you're just one of my favorite "whoo ha" writers!

In all seriousness, people are going to categorize your blog based on their own perceptions and stereotypes. I wouldn't worry about it. People who come here regularly will quickly realize that you are more than just a mommy and that you've got a lot to say. Just go with it.

And keep up the great work.

[fidget]

Mommy blogger means that some where some way you mentioned kids, even once. They could be SOMEONE else's kids but if a one person without kids stopped by that day - that's it, you are "doomed" Screw that, I dont identify myself as a "mommy blogger" I'm me, a blogger. Sure sometimes i talk about my kids and poop, but more often than not i'm expound on MY poop. In the mommy blogger backlash that happened on BlogExplosion I joined the "House WIfe Mafia" web ring mostly because their button is cool as hell (oops shallow side is showing again), but also because why should someone be brushed off as a bad read because they have kids? Society seems to think that once you've squirted out a couple of kids, your brain atrophes and you have nothing left to say. Yes this phenomenon CAN odccur, but it's typically temporary unless you lacked personality to begin with... ARGH I'm rambling. Must pull thoughts together. Ok I may hav eto come back later when I'm not pressed ofr time... can you tell I gave up caffine this week?

[Kristen]

Mm ~ so noted.

Meredith ~ Well said.

SB ~Most of the folks I know don't have kids - I'm not sure why I don't hang out with moms (well, I don't hang out with anyone, really :) - but they never call me or ask me to lunch. If they see me, they'll ask but it's like they automatically assume that I don't want to go or something. Or like all I want to talk about is Q. Which is SOOOO far from the truth.

[Mega Mom]

I'm not much for labels, though I do look for Mom/my blogs because I like to read about people in the same boat.

However, if I ever start a post:
Everyone is sick today
or
Today I cleaned out all of the drawers...

Please shoot me.

[Meredith]

This subject touches the heart of all moms. I am a mom, I love being a mom, but like many others, I am struggling to find ways as an intelligent, educated woman, to co-exist with this definition. Writing in my blog, helps me share all the different parts of who I am and to reemphasize them to myself.

[something blue]

Most of my friends are choosing not to have children. I sometimes feel that I'm looked down upon for deciding to procreate. When I'm in a social setting, I make a conscious effort to discuss other things besides my children. I am a whole person with many interests hence this makes me interesting.

I think with these real world issues it's only natural that a mom or mommy blog would be shunned. Hell, I add to the notion by teasing myself, "I used to be cool, and now I'm a mommy blogger."

Being a mom doesn't mean that our lives have ended and we now only live for our offspring. As people, we have a hell of a lot to offer in our blogs. I have yet to come across one that focuses solely on being a parent or gushing about a child.

[mama_tulip]

I haven't weighed in on this subject at all because like another commenter mentioned, it's a non-issue for me. I've enjoyed reading your thoughts on it and the comments you've gotten -- you are a fantastic writer, girl.

And congrats on the Mamazine gig!

[Mom101]

Niiiice...

I will say I find myself telling people that I have a blog. (not momblog.) When they ask what it's about, I say parenting...and other things, funny things, whatever's on my mind. I find myself backpedaling really fast away from the parenting descriptor.

I'm conflicted. On one hand I want the genre name that will allow people to take me seriously as a writer. On the other hand, I feel like snatching that label and taking it back so that it can start meaning something good. But sometimes, that's just too big a job. You have to cut your losses and start over.

I'm starting to like the term Parenting Blog.

[Nancy]

Great post, and thought-provoking discussion. I might comment again when I can digest a little more.

I named my blog Mom/Ma'am/Me because those three identities are ones that I associate strongly with in life -- my mom self, work self, and individual self. So as such I don't consider myself to "just" be mom/mommy blogger, because I write about much more. Not that I personally find derision in the term, but I think just because you are a mom doesn't mean you're not a woman first. I think that's a distinction that can frequently be forgotten.

Also, as Dawn said, I read the blogs I do because I identify with the people that write them. Frequently the ways in which I relate to them have nothing to do with their marital status, children status, political or religious views, etc. -- there's just some connection there. I think sometimes the act of labeling blogs (with any label) does a disservice by automatically restricting a potential audience, because if you say you're into X than some people who believe Y might not read your blog. So I like to say "I blog" and leave it at that -- people can come find me and decide what they think based on what I say. :-)

Thanks for the great post, I may be back!

[krista]

This discussion is timeless. In many ways, we've just added another layer, or medium to the mix by including blogs in the discussion of the complexity of women as talented writers, thinkers, and spirited people. Women like Adreinne Rich in Of Women Born, or Virginia Wolf A Room of Ones Own talked about some of these same points. There won't likely come a day when these points will have run their course and not need discussion.

I have been reluctant to comment on this issue until now because at first, I was thinking of it as semantics. Just semantics. It isn't though just semantics, because there is an element of something bubbling beneath this that is more. Maybe I couldn't be bothered to let my mind moil.

Anyway, I enjoyed the links and your thoughs, and will come back to read more discussion. I agree with so much of what Dawn and Francesca said, and it is always good to read new and different insights.

[kyra]

hey! so many congratulations on your new spot over at mamazine!!! that's fantastic! your energy never ceases to amaze me. you go girl! great post, as usual. i have to weigh in with amy on this one: i'm a mom with a blog. call me what you will. xxoo

[Petite Mommy]

I think we all have an inherent tendency to stick with people that we can relate to and are somewhat like. With that, we begin to divide into groups even as moms.
My blog is called a mom blog because I am a mom who just so happens to blog and I titled it that way so that other "moms" could find me in the search engines. My children call me mom and mommy and I don't care what everyone else labels or calls me. I honestly don't have the time to waste on it. With my blog being titled mom & baby blog, I think I am expected to write about mommyhood and I do. I don't pretend to be a great writer. I just write about my life as a mom so that other moms out there can find me, connect with me, and say I know what you are going through.

I think as moms/mommys we want support and someone to identify with. When other moms or whoever reads one of the mom blogs where everything is all happy -go- lucky/perfect 100% of the time, other moms can't identify or think it's boring. Let's face it nobody’s life is perfect but that doesn’t mean that in order to be accepted that the mom absolutely must reveal the crazy, stressful or bad things in their lives. Do they?

The most important thing I think everyone should take from the mom/mommy wars is that we, as moms, should not degrade other moms. We should support each other no matter what group of moms we end up falling into…

[Izzy]

I have to say that my view remains the same. it's just not an issue with me. Do I like being condescended to by people who do have issues with various names and definitons? Of course not. But do I equate the term "mommy" in the same way as them? No. The only thing that bugs me is that someone would purposely seek to demean or put down someone else by using a term THEY consider derogatory. Other than that, call me what you will. I'm a mom/mommy/woman who happens to blog and I'm okay with all of it.

[crazedparent]

i meant i WOULDN'T characterize it as a mom v. mommy "war." :)

[crazedparent]

hey there,

so i'm an avvid blog reader of mom blogs and moms who blog and i can't say i've seen anything recent about blog wars re: mom v. mommy. i know there was some discussion about a year ago when a nyt times reporter (david hochman) penned as story called "mom(my) and me" about parent bloggers, only he didn't really write about the dad blogs. just the mommy blogs...it seemed from this point on "mommy blog" was a fightin' phrase. i know folks who don't like the phrase because of what you state - the fact that you are a mom and you blog does not equal "mom blogger" and that you are writing about your kids incessently. and about every single diaper change, burp, fart, etc. and let's face it, people spend so much time and effort creating these online personas that it really does matter to them what they are labeled. i am a mom who blogs, but i don't have a traditional mom blog, if that exists.

anywho, if there are still lots of discussions about this, i characterize it as a mom v. mommy "war," just the ongoing label blogatics:)

[Kristen]

Amy ~ Thanks for sharing that.

I'm not sure if it's the idea of better (at least that's not what I'm trying to say) but rather being different and not wanting to be discarded just because someone has a bad image of a "mommy blog."

And I appreciate your comments - Francesca, and anyone else. I'm not saying I agree or disagree with anything, but trying to pose some deep discussion about the matter. It's obviously something people are interested in talking about.

Continue on!

[Dawn]

In a certain way, I think that Blogging - like parenthood - come in different stages ( You wrote a great post on that a couple of weeks ago).

I tend to flutter to people I like - Their reproductive status doesn't always come into play. I actually have friends who are childless by choice - and they know that when we come to their house - kid will be in tow. It is who we are right now.

However, I view it the way I have viewed retaining my last name. I chose, when married to retain my last name. It is not a hyphen. Terrance knew well before marriage that I had no intention of taking his last name. My identity didn't change with marriage. It merely folded this new facet into who I was - Same with motherhood - Doesn't change who I am fundamentally - just more facets.

The blogs I read - I read because I fundamentally like who the person "is". I am grown up enough to know that all people aren't the same. Shit, not everyone in my own family acts the same!

If the one thing that being a mother has taught me, it would be that things are not what they seem. That peaceful looking baby? Screamed for 7 hours non-stop. That happy looking woman pushing the stroller? Dreaming of changing her name and fleeing the country.

Until women give other women a little slack, credit and support we are never going to get beyond the motherhood "superior dance" as Lisa wrote in her blog. When we get real with each other, we see that it isn't all scrapbooks and cookies. But if that is your genuine experience, no problem. I'll take my eyes elsewhere.

[Christina]

To me, mom blog and mommy blog conjure up the same image: a woman with child(ren) who writes a blog, with a certain percentage of the posts being about her kid(s).

I'll admit to being mystified about the whole mommy blog wars. Had I known, maybe I wouldn't have named my blog A Mommy Story. Who knows, maybe I'll change the name someday.

Personally, when looking at the labels of mom and mommy, I'd rather be called mommy. Mommy, in my mind, makes me think of a younger mom (since the term tends to be used by smaller children), and I'm all about being thought of as younger!

[Stuntmother (Francesca)]

I suppose I think -- and a quarter of my brain is with the children who are, for some reason, camping in the bathroom, that it's a terrible shame that motherhood is so denigrated as a role that we need to defend our lives, our talk, our blogs, our work. We are mothers, moms, mommies. We all do the same thing, walk the same walk. It is not a terrible thing to talk about children -- what if I stopped inviting people over because they never stopped discussing philosophy? Oh what a bore, he's on about Kant again. Oof, I've had Nietzche up to here and no mistake.

Parenthood (and motherhood especially) is being perceived as a sort of optional extra -- as if we -- the society of humans -- had a choice. Whether we don our rubber aprons or strive for a gritty edge, we are all still people -- and all trying to remain the people we were and striving to become the people we will be and making motherhoood part of that journey. Society needs to stop giving us shit and we CERTAINLY need to refrain from passing that shit around amongst ourselves. Part of the war on women more generally is to make us fight each other. Feminism succeeds most when we are united against our true oppressors. Mothers need to do the same. It burns my pregnancy-inflicted flabby butt that we are reduced to sniping at one another rather than standing up to a society that would disempower us, would make us hide our motherhood, would make us believe that rearing children is something best left to the underpaid and underbrained and underspirited.

Um, I'm ranting and from the little I've read of your blog, I think we are probably quite likeminded on the subject, so I hope I have not implied that YOU need my lecture. It just all sort of burst out at once.

Found you via the Silent K and will be back --

[Amy]

I understand what you are saying, but I don't to be part of the backlash, and I think dissing the "mommy blogs" by refusing to be labelled as such--in effect, saying "I am better than those Mommy blogs!" makes one culpable.

I'm a mom and I have a blog. Call me a mom blog, a mommy blog, whatever you want. I just like to be part of the discussion.