I May Look like a 97-Year-Old Woman with Bitter Beer Face, but Damnit, My Teeth are WHITE!

In celebration of my newly weaned daughter and self, I decided to whiten my teeth. Yes, I'm CRAAZZZZYYY, hadn't you figured that out by now? I know I'm not the only anal-retentive bfing mama who religiously checked the packages of all products to see whether they were usable by nursing mothers - and if you were like me, you knew that whitening teeth was off limits.

Suffice it to say, I had reached the point of desperation. It's one thing when your teeth are naturally off-white - just don't wear full on geisha make-up outside of your homestead and honestly, no one really notices your "egg-shell" white toofers. BUT, when you realize your teeth are looking more like the color of your URINE as opposed the LOVELY white of the porcelain pot you piss in, you realize that it might just be time to slap on the ole whitening gel.

It wasn't but two days after weaning that I bought me some Crest White Strips Premium. When I had done the celebratory tooth whitening before (finalized divorces deserve parties too you know), I had seen miraculous results - and it wasn't just me. People I hadn't seen in awhile would marvel - WOW, your teeth are soooo white! While it scared me to think about how UN-white they were for them to actually notice the change, I was very flattered and glad that my $24.99 had not gone to waste.

So, this time, I decided to purchase the Premium version - thus providing significantly whitened teeth in only 7 days. And let me tell you, it's worth it. Fourteen days of those damn strips on your teeth - 2x a day for 30 minutes each - has to be a form of Chinese torture. Seriously.

I haven't quite figured out what the hell they put ON those strips - but they warn you in VERY small print that if you get it on your fingers, it may turn them white as well. Doesn't that seem just a bit WRONG? Oh, and be on the look out for tooth sensitivity they tell you (i.e. shooting pain in your tooth).

Even more ridiculous is the notion that you can do other things while you are wearing the damn strips. WHAT other things exactly??? - because the only thing I can do is sit on my ass and watch tv. Like I just got my nails done about 3 days ago and I'm still walking around touching everything with ONE finger.  "Don't bother me right now - I'm whitening my teeth" - or actually, it sounds more like this:

adkfjdlkfjddkfhhhhhhhhhhfhhhhhhhhhhh afdkfjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjdkkkkkkkkkkkeee *spit drool slurp*

Um. You can't talk to any living being with those things in unless you are practicing your impression of Daffy Duck - Sluffferring Slucccatassshhh... pfdddllllffff. Let's face it - you can't do  a damn thing with those things in your mouth. And not only that, but you have to concentrate extremely hard on NOT touching them with your tongue or swallowing whatever crazy-ass shit is on there. That in itself is quite a feat.

And if you can make it through the 30 minutes of pure hell, then you get to wipe the goop off your teeth and figure out how the hell to get the nasty taste out of your mouth. Have you ever tried WIPING off your teeth? I mean what exactly do you use? A towel? A tissue? A babywipe? And make sure you have plenty o' chapstick on hand, because while you may have just whitened your teeth, you also thoroughly dehydrated any semblance of a set of lips you might have had.

But, with all that said, I guess it's worth it. And even though I may look like this:

Damnit - my teeth are pearly white - and that's all that matters.

Comments

[Julie]

What a timely post. My teeth are looking pretty bad, so I was considering the whitestrips. I think I will wait and go back to the dentist. I don't drink red wine, but I do drink coffee. And my teeth are supremely sensitive already.

[the weirdgirl]

This is so on my list of "desired cosmetic procedures". It's right up there with my laser hair removal wish. In fact, I was just chatting with the dentist about his process vs. whitestrips, etc. I figure if I try them (the whitestrips) I'll maybe last three days. But that'll be thre days whiter!

[chichimama]

Hmmm. I have a pack in my closet as well. I was just gearing up to start them, but am now curious to know exactaly how long the sensitivity thing lasts, it is not forever, is it???

[chelle]

I have never tried them! I am an avid coffee drinker so I felt like it was cheating! hmm..after reading your post I want to try!! Was it the drooling?
chelle

[Beth]

ah, yes. the whitestrips teeth sensitivity problem. i loved the way they worked but my molars felt like they were made of swiss cheese. swiss cheese made entirely of nerve endings.

[Lisa B]

I love the whitening stuff. The last time though, I had some serious sensitivity -- the shooting pains that felt like someone put acid all over the roots of my teeth. Ouchie! I couldn't get those things off fast enough and I ended up drooling all over the damn place because I was all, 'Son of A BITCH this HURTS! Son of a BITCH, THis HURTS, yada yada, yada. I'd never had that before.

Now I'm too scared of the things to finish the treatment.

[Meagan]

SWEET! I am SO renting from you! I am excited!

So about the white strip thing, I also tried them before the super strength ones. Husband and I were at Wal-Mart when they first came out and the sign above them said $3.83 (for real. The 8 in $38.83 had fallen down) and husband was like WHAT A DEAL and so when we got to the checkout and our total was $50 we were like WTF? So we checked the receipt and they were $38.83- We about DIED!

So husband did them ONCE and I did them like 3 times. But I would put them on before bed and like go lay down and then fall asleep and wake up in the morning WITH THE DAMN THING STILL ON! And seriously who has time to do the top first and then do the bottom like a month later. Whatever. So I have never had the premium ones. I have sensitive teeth as it is so I can only imagine that if everyone else got tired of it, I would too. Interesting Information!

[Jess]

I didn't last long with the whitestrips either.

But today at the dentist, the hygenist asked me if I drank a lot of coffee and tea. And I was all---are they that bad? And she was all---noncomittal. And I was all--excuse me while I cry. So I'm on the hunt for a teeth whitener that doesn't make me gag.

[Dawn]

I keep thinking I want to buy that blue light that you walk around with your mouth around - Just to walk around with a glowing blue mouth...

[TB]

Y'know, I had actually been considering giving those things a try. Now I'm not so sure! Too funny.

[Jess R]

I did a few runs of the Whitestrips for two weddings I stood up in last summer. My teeth are now the consistency of tissue paper and will actually scream at just the mention of the word "popsicles."

[madge]

Ewwww, the Whitestrips goo. Two days was all I could handle.

[Stefanie]

I had to whiten my teeth the old fashioned way with moldings that had to put gel into and sleep with it for a MONTH. My teeth got really white but what a pain in the ass. My husband bought some of those Crest White Strips and, of course, has been too lazy to use them but I'm going to steal them. So I'll be sharing your pain.

[debambam]

oh ROFLMAO! The images now in my head are just too funny..I remember being stoked about being able to eat TOMATO BASED pasta and CHOCOLATE whenever I wanted after b/f. I had to be careful what I ate because some things just went straight through Zoe!

[Lisa]

I have the attention span of a booger, I only lasted 4 days on the Crest Whitening Program!

[Izzy]

I did mine a couple years ago, before they had the industrial strength ones and I would put one on before bed and just end up spitting it on the floor in the middle of the night before gulping down some water. They did work and my teeth were sensitive but Sensodyne toothpaste was a lifesaver.

[Mom101]

If I found a few hundred dollars in my pocket tomorrow, I'd go for the super-duper professional whitening, no question. All those years of Marlborough Lights and Pinot Noir did a number on my formerly pearly whites and I'm determined to get them back again. Starting right now...I think Nate has a few in the bathroom!

[Emily]

Ooo I tried them for about 3 days before my teeth got so sensitve that I just couldn't do it any more...

I quit sodas and smoking though in the past few months, so I *really* wanna whiten them as a celebrations...I'm just...afraid...

[Christina]

I really want to whiten my teeth again (mine are starting to resemble more of a tea-stained color), I may not be able to stand the pain. I've got sensitive teeth to begin with, and WOWZERS do they make my teeth sensitive.

When I whitened my teeth for my wedding, I was drinking everything through a straw for weeks, unless it was served room temperature.

[redneckmommy]

Dang! You hit that nail right on the head. I used the strips thinking that I was going to be one hot mama when it was all said and done. I put them on, safe in the knowledge that no one would see me drool like a hungry baby. When in walked the hubs, along with all his manly friends. Oh the laughter. At me. As I was doing my own version of the Daffy Duck.

[Kristi]

I am horrible at anything requiring everday application so that is why my $40 set of whitening strips is still in my bathroom cabinet with only about 10 strips used. I really do need to get on that cuz my teeth are headed toward the coffee colored urine output.

[Rhonda]

Those whitestrips are fantastic. And if you don't think they get your teeth white enough, go on ebay and order the dentist version of whitestrips. They are AMAZING!

[kyra]

so fun with the whitening! i've been down that road before and i'm due to go back. these teeth, they are cracked and yellowing all over again... i never noticed ( until i got in my 30s) how much YOUTH a blazing set of choppers bestows!!

[C.M.Chase]

Forget the white teeth...dang, you look hot in that hat and bandana!

[Mama! Mama!]

I am the typo queen. I was agreeing that my teeth looked much spiffier....ahh, screw it. Just ignore me.

[Mama! Mama!]

I am cracking up because I am in the middle of the Whitestrips myself. I have two days left. It Did turn my fingers white. WTF?! And I had the shooting pain. I didn't remember that from the last time I used them. My teeth do you much spiffier, though.