In celebration of my newly weaned daughter and self, I decided to whiten my teeth. Yes, I'm CRAAZZZZYYY, hadn't you figured that out by now? I know I'm not the only anal-retentive bfing mama who religiously checked the packages of all products to see whether they were usable by nursing mothers - and if you were like me, you knew that whitening teeth was off limits.
Suffice it to say, I had reached the point of desperation. It's one thing when your teeth are naturally off-white - just don't wear full on geisha make-up outside of your homestead and honestly, no one really notices your "egg-shell" white toofers. BUT, when you realize your teeth are looking more like the color of your URINE as opposed the LOVELY white of the porcelain pot you piss in, you realize that it might just be time to slap on the ole whitening gel.
It wasn't but two days after weaning that I bought me some Crest White Strips Premium. When I had done the celebratory tooth whitening before (finalized divorces deserve parties too you know), I had seen miraculous results - and it wasn't just me. People I hadn't seen in awhile would marvel - WOW, your teeth are soooo white! While it scared me to think about how UN-white they were for them to actually notice the change, I was very flattered and glad that my $24.99 had not gone to waste.
So, this time, I decided to purchase the Premium version - thus providing significantly whitened teeth in only 7 days. And let me tell you, it's worth it. Fourteen days of those damn strips on your teeth - 2x a day for 30 minutes each - has to be a form of Chinese torture. Seriously.
I haven't quite figured out what the hell they put ON those strips - but they warn you in VERY small print that if you get it on your fingers, it may turn them white as well. Doesn't that seem just a bit WRONG? Oh, and be on the look out for tooth sensitivity they tell you (i.e. shooting pain in your tooth).
Even more ridiculous is the notion that you can do other things while you are wearing the damn strips. WHAT other things exactly??? - because the only thing I can do is sit on my ass and watch tv. Like I just got my nails done about 3 days ago and I'm still walking around touching everything with ONE finger. "Don't bother me right now - I'm whitening my teeth" - or actually, it sounds more like this:
adkfjdlkfjddkfhhhhhhhhhhfhhhhhhhhhhh afdkfjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjdkkkkkkkkkkkeee *spit drool slurp*
Um. You can't talk to any living being with those things in unless you are practicing your impression of Daffy Duck - Sluffferring Slucccatassshhh... pfdddllllffff. Let's face it - you can't do a damn thing with those things in your mouth. And not only that, but you have to concentrate extremely hard on NOT touching them with your tongue or swallowing whatever crazy-ass shit is on there. That in itself is quite a feat.
And if you can make it through the 30 minutes of pure hell, then you get to wipe the goop off your teeth and figure out how the hell to get the nasty taste out of your mouth. Have you ever tried WIPING off your teeth? I mean what exactly do you use? A towel? A tissue? A babywipe? And make sure you have plenty o' chapstick on hand, because while you may have just whitened your teeth, you also thoroughly dehydrated any semblance of a set of lips you might have had.