Motherhood Uncensored

Really, What's So Wrong With Looking Gay?

As I was leaving music class the other day, I was talking with another well-educated, reasonably informed (or so I thought) mom about children's clothing, namely that there was really nowhere around where we live that sold really great stuff. Not that I'm looking for designer cute-ture (thanks GGC), but I do like nice clothes that don't fall apart after one washing, and I prefer to not have to dig through 1200 racks of shit to find ONE nice dress ala TJMAXX but WAYYYYY worse. Anyway, she agreed with me and then said "Well, you can't find any boy's clothes around here that aren't gay, and daddy doesn't want us [speaking to child] looking gay..."

And there you go. Just had to go there. I mean, really... You are an educated woman of the 21st century and you are still using THAT? And then I thought, I shouldn't really be surprised, since I hear it ALL the time from a lot of people - edumacated and not. Hell, they still use RETARDED down here (and I mean referring TO the folks with disabilities and for other things they believe to be stupid and dumb). AND, while we do live in gay-hate-country-I'm-an-ignorant-redneck USA, I know it's not isolated to this part of the country.

I think we all realize at some level that being gay is not a choice because if it were, then really, NO one would choose it - especially here in the US when as gay person, you can barely get married, have kids, and LIVE happily and safely, with equal rights. Wait let me rephrase, no one except women who have been burned OH too many times by asshole men, would choose to be gay *wink*. Anyway, now that we are in agreement about that, let's address the issue at hand, shall we? Looking gay.

What's so bad about it, I wonder? I mean, have you really ever seen a badly dressed gay man? Not me. And, have you really ever seen gay men only wear pink sweaters and light blue t-shirts? NOPE, can't say I have. And, have you ever seen a raggedy coiffed, nasty shaven, scraggly looking gay man? NOTTA - only when he's pretending to be straight (blllahahahahaha). Technically speaking, if someone says that to you, you should probably take it as a compliment, because based on my scholarly research (gay clubs, bars, and pals) gay men dress WAY better than straight men.

And then we get into gender roles in this society - ones that are so fucking messed up that I can't even find a gender neutral toy for my 18-month old. It's either kitchens or toolworkshops. It's either dolls or trucks. And, if you buy the one that is "opposite" your child's gender, people look at you like you are a freeeaaaaakkk. Can society jam the whole "women-love-domesticity" shit down are throat anymore? And really, why the hell do we as women continue to put up with it? *says while counting the number of dolls and purses laying around the house* Seroiusly folks, haven't you thought that the gender specific colors are socially programmed in our brains and REALLY girls don't prefer pink, but it's what is forced upon them by society?

And c'mon, can a baby really look gay? I mean I know we obsess about "who's gay and who's not" - try to pick them out at restaurants and dance clubs because we're total idiots (I for one refuse to engage in this stupidity...), but really, do people sit around at baby showers and play groups going "Hmmm... totally gay..."? I THINK NOT. How is it that if the MAN lets his SON wear a light blue shirt than that means clearly HE is gay? - although he is married, with a wife, and son, so clearly, unless he has internalized homophobia and hate gays because he is one (yes, it exists), then he's probably NOT GAY. HELLO!

Oh, and have you noticed it's mostly about MEN'S clothing - because, we the female oppressing society, still LOVE the idea of a lesbian. And therefore, we don't go around saying flannel shirts and mountain boots on a girl is GAY... it's just the purple argyle sweater in the Men's Section of BR.

So people. If you don't like the light blue shirts and the pink shorts for your son FINE. No big deal. But, why don't you just say you don't like them, or you think they're ugly, or even GROSS. But, I just don't think it's necessary to insult an entire culture of people (surely people raise eyebrows when we say "that's so LATINO" or "BLACK") every time we just think something is silly. Changing LANGUAGE leads to changing MINDS. 

The Magical Mystery Tour of Motherhood: First Stop - Teething Central

My child has 14 teeth. You would think that at this juncture in my exhausting yet bizarrely satisfying tour that is motherhood, I would have figured out the difference between an actual illness and that which they call in those damn books "TEETHING SYMPTOMS."

I am sick of hearing about the children who wake up one morning with a full set of choppers and roses flying out of their asses like the LORD himself came down and gently laid each shiny white nugget in their sweet mouth unbeknownst to anyone. Please. I do not believe it. I wave the bullshit flag proudly.

So, I'm speaking to the parental units who have a child that suffers long periods of phelgm swimming, fevers, restless nights, and well PURE UTTER MISERY with each and EVERY tooth. Such misery that we, especially ME as a first time parent, have absolutely no clue whether it's a major illness or just a fucking tiny ass tooth (that's going to fall out in 6 years) poking through the gum.

Are the Gods of the Children out to punish parents through utter confusion? EVERY time she cuts a tooth, she does the same thing, all the while a pleasant and reasonably well sleeping child.

Day 1: Sneezing - all day long. Rash on tummy.

Day 2: Taking a dip in the phlegm river and brown ass lake.

Day 3: Swimming laps in said river and brown ass lake.

Day 4: Swimming laps in said river - now HOT TUB and brown ass lake - tooth cuts through gum (PTL).

Day 5: Still swimming, sans hot tub, but now the river is a little yellow...

Day 6-8: Decrease in swimming activity... Rash goes away...

And then I wonder, is it really teething or is it a cold? And yes, I wonder this EVERY SINGLE TIME A TOOTH CUTS. No, I'm not an idiot. I just don't get it. Why does it last so long? Why doesn't it stop when the tooth comes up? Why does the river turn yellow if it's teething? Why is this topic RULING MY FUCKING LIFE?

I just don't understand why we have to try to drive already insane, sleep-deprived, rapidly aging mothers MORE crazy with this confusion. Is it not feasible for children to come with light up asses, like my favorite pooh doll that sings a song with its ass lit bright enough to bring ships into the harbor on a foggy night? TEETHING it could say and then later HAD PARTY WHILE YOU WERE OUT OF TOWN or HAD SEX IN YOUR BEDROOM.

But, no, we are left to the guessing, the wondering, the speculation, and well, the total obsession of trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with your child when they can't tell you that is now MY LIFE. Sad thing is, this is only the first stop in a VERY LONG tour.

The Adventures of a Yankee Mom Shopping in The South

I believe that it's common knowledge that Mississippi is the poorest state in the Union. We have the highest rates of all the bad things, like infant mortality and unemployment, and the lowest rates of all the good things, like intelligence and desire to move quickly from one place to another. Heh. Some people try to rationalize living here by saying "it sure is cheap to live down here." Yes, it is cheap. People are cheap. BUT, I just don't think cheap is very good, unless it's a 75% off sale at Bloomies - and you get a pair of Manolos CHEAP.

Let me just tell you how bad it is down here. Our two MAJOR stores are the two awful Marts. There is no Target. Target would be too HIGH scale for where I live. People buy clothing at Old Navy, McCrae's (one step up over JCPenney's type dept. store), and the Mall <-- which only has JCP and Sears. There are other cheapy stores (surprise surprise) that are even cheaper than the cheap stores in my old malls (you know RAVE...). Even the thrift stores and consignment shops (which should have "designer" duds - but they carry BR and GAP... that's designer down here) have NOTHING of any interest. There is a dollar store every block - which is fine - but not when you are clothing your entire family there. There isn't even a TJMAXX within 60 miles. When TJMAXX is too high scale, you know something is VERY WRONG.

If you have any money in this state, you shop at Boutiques. They carry brands that well, I've never heard of, but the prices are sky high and you are made to feel very fancy and rich when you shop there. The problem is that we live in Mississippi - so I SWEAR to you that everything has a feather, sequin, or faux fur on it. NO JOKE. The purses look like a costume design closet (sorry roo) threw up and made a handbag. The kid's stores are covered in poofy pinafores, those old-fashioned kids orthopedic shoes, and BIG BOWS - lots of BOWS.

So, I have found it nearly impossible to dress my child in any type of stylish, trendy clothing. I always thought that if I had a kid, she would be dressed like a mini rock star or the trendy European kid (you know, with the stripey tights and clunky leather shoes). Granted, I didn't know I'd be living down here, and well, that she would be a kid and refuse to wear anything without POOH on them and get food EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME. You quickly realize it's not worth paying $100 to dress your child in a cute outfit when they are just going to grow out of it in 2 weeks or yak on it in a matter of minutes.  Makes the grabbing for the $3 onesie a bit easier.

That doesn't mean I don't like to get her nice things. And, thus is the POINT of this long rant. The ONE decent store we have is called WALLS. It's definitely a poor girls TJMAXX, but they actually get some great stuff in there - like Lilly Pulitzer and that sort of thing at 50-75% off. So, after gyming it a few days ago, I popped in to find some really cute dresses that would be great on my daughter for her fastly approaching 2nd birthday. She never wears dresses and well, I feel as though it's not a big deal to spend a pretty penny on a dress or 20 pairs of shoes (I will NEVER buy cheap shoes).

So I bring the dress up to the register and the extremely SLOW moving clerk looks at the tag and asks, in her lovely Southern accent, "Dew Yew Know thaaayyt it's HAYLF of $74 dooollleeerrrsss?"

"Yes, I do. It's better than ALL of $74 wouldn't you say?"

And then I realized. ONLY HERE would that have happened. If I was shopping at any boutiques in Philly (where I could actually find rock star chic kid's clothes that I would spend all my money on) or even at TJMAXX, no one would EVER say that to me. BUT down here, no one has any money - and even 50% off $74 (which isn't that bad for a nice designer dress) is WAY too much. This, the land of paying all bills by money orders because no one has a checking account. This, the town of paying for your McDonald's burger with a check because you can't get a check card or credit card. I SHIT YOU NOT.

Needless to say, the dress is adorable and I'm glad I got it. Of course, I would have never paid the full $74 for it.

Don't call me cheap. I've just been living in Mississippi WAY TOO LONG.