My Name is Kristen: It's Nice to Be Married To You

I'm not exactly sure why this is so hard for you to get, but I will try to help you understand. My name is Kristen, not Petra, and it's nice to meet you. I figure my pasty white skin, lumpy ass, and rolly post-preggo belly gave it away. But, apparently not. I'm sure Petra's tan is REAL, and her ass has absolutely no lumps anywhere. And, I'm sure that even if she did have a baby, her belly would be flatter than my new post-breastfeeding chest. But, what do I know?

I'm sorry that my sexy underwear only highlight the wideness of my hips and the dropping of my fomerly perky ass cheeks. And, god forbid my poorly groomed pubic hair pokes through my pseudo-fancy panties and scratches your soft sensitive skin. I'm sure that would never  happen at Petra's silky smooth beaver palace. Maybe she can afford to have Svetlana rip out her probably soft, blonde, fuzzy pubs on a weekly basis, but me - I'm stuck with some scissors and a cheap-ass razor in a dark bathroom. I do the best I can. Sure you can sit a drink upon her ass cheeks and fit her into tight places, like an overhead luggage bin, but both of those things are highly overrated.

I assume that when Petra yells or bitches, it all comes out sounding like a Russian phone-sex operator to you. She probably farts roses and shits big bars of dark Swedish chocolate. And put her in a t-shirt, nursing bra, and mismatched socks, and she'd still be practically perfect in every way.

But, my dear husband, you married me. Perhaps at one point in time I looked Petra-esque. I even found my way into a few magazines and down the runways of several Philadelphia fashion shows. And while I would never have fit into an overhead bin, I did fit quite easily in your arms - and it seemed as though that at one point in time, that was all that mattered. I know that I'm far from the epitome of hot and sexy these days - my zit-covered face and large middle section leave little for even ME to desire. However, if you want to get laid in the next century and still keep your family in tact, then I suggest you get over it really fast, close your eyes (if you must) and head my direction. Because Petra won't be coming to visit you anytime soon.

Comments

[Ken]

OK - I've read all the comments. I lnow it prolly makes you feel good to write this stuff, but it really only signals defeat - kinda like "wahwah_WhyCan'tYouJustLoveMeForWhoIam_WahWah.

Too many women - and yes, my wife is one of them - use the whole childbearing thing to let themselves go: both physically and socially. Next thing they know, they're grossly overweight with horrible manners, and the only man who would want to have sex with them is a recently-released convict.

So childbirth is hard. So it hurts. So mothering is hard. So it's easy to get fat. Get over it. If **YOU** want to get laid any time soon and not have your hub run off with a woman who cares what she looks like, then put some effort into it. Men **ARE** visually oriented. That's life.

[Jessica West]

How long do men like your pubic hair to be?

[Julie]

Ditto Christina. Word for word. Holy crap, K.

[Carolyn]

My kegel exercises failed me and I just wet myself laughing so hard at that post.

[Christina]

OMG, he turned you down because you had pubes sticking through the undies? Is he fucking crazy?

The man was a fool to turn you down. I agree with the others, get yourself a toy and tell him he has competition now. And the competition doesn't care how long your pubic hair is. Sheesh.

[Nancy]

You are gorgeous, woman. Petra's got nothing on you. As Beth said (LOL, Beth!) she is a turd and smells bad. And she's got the benefit of airbrushing and photoshop. You're a real-life hot mama.

[Kristina]

I love your BLOG. I vote you Woman of the Year for that post!

[stefanierj]

I'm with my sistahs on this one. When your man carries a kid to term, shits out a kid that feels more like a golden retriever,and then sustains said child with his Very Own Nipples for over 18 months, then he is welcome to dictate what your pubes should look like.

I have the opposite problem, unfortunately. Apparently, breasts that look like tube socks with golf balls in them are just what turns Daddymatic on. Takes all kinds.

And speaking completely objectively, I would like to add that you are so pretty it makes me want to throw up a little. So there.

[Chicky]

Your husband may be "buff" but he can't carry, deliver and sustain the life of a child almost entirely by himself. Let him go spend his time at the gym and get all trim and fit. You're the truly beautiful one.

[Mom101]

"Sure you can sit a drink upon her ass cheeks and fit her into tight places, like an overhead luggage bin..."

hiLARious!!!!!!
And agree with Lisa. May I introduce you to a good friend of mine? babeland.com. search term: rabbit

[Lisa]

Petra Schmetra - I got Photoshop for Christmas and I can make myself look like that too...with a lot of the eraser action! ;-)

If your hubs was turned off by a few stray pubes then he wasn't horny enough. Get online, buy yourself a toy, let him know he has competition as long as D batteries are sold everywhere.

[knq]

I love reading these comments!

Thank you so much -- if you want to know the story, it actually happened when I decided to put on the sexy panties and get some (it's been a LONG time due to circumstances most of you know about) and I was shunned - the complaint of the pubic hair through the panties was the fuel for this little fire.

And unfortunately, the huz is very much in shape (dare I say BUFF) - so I can't use the whole "you get in shape and then I'll do it" thing. He is the epitome of shape.

[Chag]

Damn! Someone's in the doghouse!

[Izzy]

I try to remember that the Petras of the world are 18-22 yrs old. I am just a few years shy of 40. When I was that age, with a staff of 8 to help, I could have looked near that good, too. And I make this point to Hubz every now and then just so he doesn't forget that while I'm not perfect, I still look a damn sight better than a lot of women my age and if he doesn't like it he can start going to the gym, get his ass all buff and then come complain to me. (not that he ever does complain because what smart man would? But I like to be proactive...lol)

And THANK YOU, Kristen, for buying a "Foxy Mama" shirt and supporting 'Depression After Delivery' You deserve that shirt, you foxy mamacita!

[Beth]

Petra is a turd.

i bet she smells like cabbage.

and she can't write an entertaining and intelligent blog.

wait till a human baby comes rolling out of *that* body. can anyone say Kelly LeBrock in Celebrity Fit Club 3?!? Pudge City.

which, incidentally, is where I live.

[C.M.Chase]

Holy crap that was funny, woman!! I can't get over the line about the scissors and dark bathroom. And beaver palace?! Hahaha!! You're too much! :)

You're gorgeous, lady. Anyone would be lucky to have ya!

[Dawn]

Single malt whiskey flows from Petra's Breasts too.

Every once in a while I'll catch Terrance looking at something and I will murmur "No one would have your sorry ,old, decrepit ass - and if they did I would sic your badass daughter on them."

Works every time...

[Meagan]

I see you listened to the bitch slaps (or should I say negative bitch slaps)

I love this post. My husband thinks he is so clever, but the history on the computer tells all...

Doubt he will be seeing Petra at the front door anytime soon.

[fidget]

That is hilarious and i'm sorry all at once. The new design has me a little wigged out. I like it overall (it's a bit brighter) but it was a little hard to concentrate on the post because two side bars kept distracting me.. i have suspected ADD though so i may not be the best judge LOL

[Nixie Knox]

Don't men know that whole saying "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?" Geez.

[the weirdgirl]

You're beautiful, honey! No worries!

[J's Mommy]

Ha! My hubby tries to tell me my stretch-mark, flabby, droopy post-baby body is perfect but I see him drooling over those Victoria's Secret commercials. Men ~ they're all the same!!!

[mrsfortune]

Like Christina, I'm intrigued as to what prompted this post!

I have to say that:

1) Petra is probably a total snooze in the sack. You know, she thinks that her "eye candy-esque" look makes up for that whole "I'm just gonna lie here" thing.

2) Petra is composed of more artificial substances than a Twinkie, but she doesn't taste as good, prolly. I'd bet.

[Christina]

Damn, I wish I could find the links I have to photography sites, showing these models before their pics were touched up - they really do look like regular people without the help of Photoshop.

So, what's the backstory here? Did he accidentally call you Petra? Be happy for the beautiful woman that you've got, buddy!

[Jaime]

I know EXACTLY how you feel!!! Men just dont understand----after giving birth to another human being, things tend to drift south and never really recover. The days of skimpy panties and halter tops are WAY over for me post-baby. Husbands-----love us for what we have, not what we USED to be! Get over it! We love you, beer belly and all!!! :)

[sean farley]

I, personally (and I'm gay, so this REALLY matters) think you are MUCH more beautiful than Plastic...oops, I mean Petra. Take away the baby oil, the extensions, the pose, the make-up, and what is left of Petra isn't exactly flattering. Sure, she's pretty, but she's hardly beautiful.

[Lisa B]

Yes. If that man ever wants to get laid, he best be sucking up right now. heehee.