Letters

Dear King of Shaves:

Apparently someone messed up your label because based on my recent experiences with your product, it seems you are more like the King of Shaves that SUCK and leave me with stubble and ingrown hairs or the King of Shaves that should kiss my ass because it's the only thing that's smooth on my body. Granted, I'm not an experienced "nether-region" shaver, but it would seem important to include the small print I mentioned on your gel tube.

Thank you for your immediate attention to this matter.

With warm and FUZZY regards,

Mother

***

Dear Omaha Steaks:

Please stop calling me 10 times a day. Your overly frequent calls have earned you a place in my contact list under Annoying Meat-Peddling Fucktards. I only order steaks two times a year for my brother and that is all. I do not want your "1000 steaks, 89 burgers, 12 cheesecakes and 4 twice-baked potatoes" special. That, in itself, is very scary. I suppose I could just answer and tell you not to call, but that would be too easy and way less satisfying than being annoyed everytime your number shows up on my phone.

So, if I want to order some steaks, don't worry. I will call you because no one else sells an entire cow for under $74.99 with free shipping.

Your friend in meat,

Mother

***

Dear Phlebotomist Girl:

If I wanted the pain and bruising you caused me, I would have blindfolded my 19-month old and asked her to stick me with one of my knitting needles. I would think it's written somewhere in the "phlebotomist instruction manual" that you have to find a vein BEFORE you insert the needle.

And, let's lose the whole "Frances-McDormand-Annoying-As-Hell-Fargo" accent. It really doesn't help matters at all, and if you continue in this manner, you will be gauze and wrapping my bleeding arm and my bleeding ears as well. 

Insincerely,

Mother

What letters do you need to write today?

Comments

[mrs. fortune]

Dear NPR anchors,

Please get a drink. We are a little sick of actually HEARING the dryness of your mouth while you talk about those evil republicans.

Thank you,

A listener

[knq]

Beth -- I always wondered about that *says while eating a ho-ho*... I'd go with the trimspa...

[Beth]

Dear Nutri-System,

Please cease and desist sending boxes of "genuine food product" to my house. I am only losing weight on your program because I cannot stomach the cat food factory rejects that you package as "Tuna Salad". I do not want to see another sawdust granola bar, genuine ham food product sandwich, or orange beef that tastes like it has been marniated in Orange-Glo. Somehow, someway, I will continue this weight-loss journey without you. Even if I have to resort to taking TrimSpa with Anna Nicole, baby.

Sincerely,
Fatty Nakedpants

[Kristina]

Hello, this comment is completely off topic, but can you give me the link to your “good enough” post? I would really like to read it. Thanks

[knq]

You tell 'em girls. And cripey - the Gay Network? C'mon peeps. I'm all about saving paper - take all the junk mail and save about 15 rain forests... And Christina - what a nightmare? That is just WROOOOOOOOOOONNNGGG.

[Christina]

Dear anonymous coworker, thank you so much for speaking to my supervisor (who is not in your chain of command) about my abilities. I especially liked that you told him that I was giving a sub-standard level of customer service, but provided no details, and chose to withhold your name, so now I must guess who you are. Coming to me about your feelings would have been appreciated, so that I could have told you that you were wrong. Now my performance review is being affected by something I didn't even do, thanks to your anonymous complaint, even though my students all love me.

Signed,
One pissed off student advisor.

[Jess]

Meat-peddling fucktards ... priceless.
Dear Pottery Barn Kids catalog mailing list tenders: I don't have children, nieces, or nephews, so you're wasting your time.
Dear Victoria's Secret catalog schmucks: Your models make me feel fat. Stop it.
Dear Chadwick's of Boston: Your clothing makes me look fat. Knock it off.
Dear Adam & Eve catalog: I'm chock full of marital aids for the mo. Save a tree and cut us from the list.

[girls gone child]

Dear Gay Network that hasn't paid my husband in 8 weeks,

We are going broke. I'm sorry that you fucked some shit up with your budget and that's cool if you wanna lay my dude off but for the love of God PAY HIM for the work he has done before I have to sell my sex on the streets of Compton.

No thanks,

GGC

[knq]

LOLOLOLOL Cathartic, isn't it...

[Dawn]

Dear Supervisor,

Your lesson on the appropriate use of the apostrophe was almost endearing, had it not been done in such a third grade manner. Are you familiar with the term "First Draft"? That is what I gave to you. A First Draft. Your diagrams of the use of contractions, versus possesives made me want to punch you in the face. Your follow up email today, reminding me to give you a fresh copy, "without the Apostrophes", was classic. The only saving grace was that in my response, I was able to use the phrase "Sans Apostrophes".

Sincerely,
The woman who is counting down her minutes to flipping you off and running away to academia

[jodes]

I need to write a letter to a lawyer.

[Nancy]

Dear coworkers of mine, if you expect me to be the "expert" on a particular area, then why the hell don't you come to ME when you have a particular question on that area? I could answer your question in 2 minutes as opposed to you asking 3,472 other people and having them all give you the WRONG answer. And please stop burning the damn microwave popcorn.

[roo]

"Your friend in meat"-- heh heh heh.

[knq]

I know it - and how about "save a damn tree" - it's amazing how much paper they waste. Mine (except for the kids one which Q likes for the babies) go RIGHT in zeee trashola.

[Izzy]

I would like to cordially ask Pottery Barn to quit stalking me with all their stupid catalogs. I bought one thing and now they're on me like flies on shit.