Half Full or Empty?

This is a day to forget. You've had them. The ones where you find yourself sitting alone, in the dark, finally able to take one breath, feeling like you have just been hit with a ton of bricks.

I was enjoying a reasonably pleasant morning at babysign class when I received a phone call from the lab tech. It seems my HcG levels are not doubling. I know they are supposed to double. I even called my dear friend who has suffered numerous losses to confirm. They had only gone up 200 whatevers from Friday to Monday.

After calling what seemed like 5000 people trying to get the numbers faxed over so I could get yet another blood test and perhaps an ultrasound, the dr on base came through and I headed to the hospital for an ultrasound - on the belly and in the hoo-ha - all with my daughter sitting on top of me. Gotta love being straddled by your daughter while you lay half-naked with a condom covered penis looking thing that you are sticking up your crotch. Anyway, there is something in there - my uterus that is - but they can't see a heartbeat or a fetal pole. But, don't get disheartened just yet.

It is still early - they say only about 4 weeks - and alas, you can't see that stuff then anyway. BUT, it still does not explain my non-doubling numbers. After discussing it briefly with an unfriendly, bow-tie wearing, pearshaped 80 year old Cajun doctor, I felt like I had already lost the baby. And in fact, chances are good that I have - considering (as he put it) I had twins and lost one (that would actually be the GOOD thing) or I'm miscarrying early.

I appreciate the frankness, and the honesty, but can one offer ANY glimmer of hope at all? Would that be too hard to do? I'm repeatedly reminded about how women's health in this country (specifically in my lovely town) has gone down the tubes - where you become a NUMBER and a FIGURE and nothing else and where your feelings, thoughts, and intelligence level are not taken into consideration. I am constantly reminded of Naomi Wolf's book Misconceptions and how women's health has become a business as usual. Read it - it's amazing.

And through all this, I see my little one (the 19 month old) smiling at me. She blows kisses to dogs, birds, bugs, and anything else that lives. She cheers when I pull an extra fruit leather from my bag. She sings and dances to all my ridiculous songs. She gives me kisses, holds me tight, and reminds me about the beauty of my life. And I know that if it never happens again for me - if she is my only one - that I will be fulfilled - I will not be empty. I want more kids - for her and for us, but I never thought I would have kids anyway - she was my Brady (ala SatC's Miranda). And, I'm so thankful for her - oh SO thankful.

So, I'm a realist - an optimist for others - a realist for me. Always skeptical and cynical. Hell, I wrote a will in 1992 when I went to Switzerland with my youth orchestra fearing terrorist attacks since we were a big group of Americans on one plane. I signed a pact in my diary that I would never get married (even before I ever had a boyfriend). And, granted I'm still alive AND I'm on my second marriage, I'm not the BELIEVER in all things good and right. I still know bad shit happens to good people and as of late, it seems I am one of them.

So, tell me this, good readers and visitors of MU, how would you see my glass today if you were me? Are you half-fullers? or half-emptiers? or do you even bother with the damn glass?

PS: The prospect of this story being true cheers me up a little. And, this bloggers kind words, cheers me up even more. And if you want to cheer me up, click on my renter. I'd like to think I'm a good landlord, even in not-so-great times. Thank you.

Comments

[Irene]

I am sorry to hear about all this crappy stuff that is happening to you. I would have commented earlier, but I am slow on the uptake and - well - REALLY tired. There has to be something that says that the glass is both half empty and half full at the same time because you do have a beautiful daughter, but life has handed you some really crappy crap.

[Dave]

Happened to us with our fourth, numbers not rising, etc, etc-
As it turned out, the expected numbers were off because they'd mis-calculated the conception date, so the tables they compare to were way off. (Even though we could tell them the date/time/place, lol, they have to go by the "date of last period")

I'm crossing my fingers and praying for you, that this will turn out as good for you as for us- our little baby is now a healthy, beautiful eight-year-old..

Hugs

[kyra]

Half FULL half FULL of course! hang in there, honey. so sorry about the levels. it sounds scary but i remain ever-hopeful. i'm sending thoughts and prayers. xx

[Jayne]

I'm wishing you and yours well wishes during this time of uncertainty! Hang in there . . .

[jodes]

thanks for the comment

[Mom101]

Your description of your daughter says to me that you live in an overflowing, champagne-dripping-down-the-sides-onto-your hands-and-down-your-arms-so-you-can-lick-it-off-your-elbows world. And when you're finished, you smash the damn thing to the ground.

Don't mistake honesty for cynicism. The former is a good thing indeed. I am sending you positive thoughts, white light, and continued good humor.

[Dawn]

I'm lousy with words in these situations. I guess I go back to the Dalai Lama - Live in the present. Be in tune with now. Things will be as they should be - even if the pattern is not yet revealed.

(And go see the letter that I wrote about on your site yesterday)

[Christina]

How do I see the glass? I see it as having plenty left to drink. I think it's always beneficial to keep your hopes up until there is a definitive answer, one way or another. Lots of positive vibes coming your way.

[Nancy]

I'm thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way. Please let me know if there's anything at all I can do.

[knq]

Thanks everyone. I'm really going to try to stay positive. There's a bit more hope to be had with this one than with my last (the u/s we saw a fetus with no heartbead). I never had my numbers from the other two pregnancies, so I could be someone who's numbers rise slowly and I just don't know.

So, here's to getting A LOT sicker SOON. (Even though I've never really gotten sick with any of my babes). Funny to be asking for that - but people have asked for stranger, I'm sure.

My heads up as high as I can hold it w/o looking ridiculous or hurting my neck :)

[JChase]

Kristen, whatever happens, please know that we are here for you. To give you some hope, I had a friend who had suffered miscarriage(s), got pregnant again, and the doctor was pretty sure she was going to miscarry again because (if I remember correctly) her numbers weren't doubling / going up as much as they wanted. She proved him wrong! She had a healthy baby girl! I know it doesn't alway work this way, but I'm sending you lots of baby dust and positive wishes! You're in our thoughts and prayers.

[chichimama]

They think I miscarried a twin with my son. Hugs, hang in there.

[Jenn]

oh...#)$*&. Definitely, don't even bother with the damn glass. Half full, half empty or shards tossed defiantly in the garbage can - we'll be thinking of you (and muttering evil things at docs who think they should look for things before it's even possible to see them).

[Chag]

My thoughts are with you. I know it's easy for me to say, but you've just got to think positive thoughts and not dwell on it too much which, admittedly, will be impossible, between now and Tuesday.

[GIRLS GONE CHILD]

Half-full. Always half-full. You are an amazing woman and mother and although I have no experience with your experience and can offer no words of wisdom I hold your hand dot com and will keep send all positive thoughts your way. Love to you and your tummy. xx

[Alyssa]

Happened to my mother in law with her second child..

Couldnt even get a positive preggo test until she was nearly five months pregnant.

Doctor was amazed at why she couldnt get a positive pregnancy test and hcg levels were not measuring up -- and yet this baby was five months and a movin and a shakin'..

Hope that gives you some hope-- but not so much that you are not prepared for whatever could happen. Little miracles do happen. =) Even in the world of medical science.
-Alyssa

[knq]

Not cliche at all - what I needed to hear, really. Thanks Bridger - I will! And Iz, they say that after 48 hours, the numbers should double - although if you get above 1200, it can take anywhere from 72-96 hours for doubling (and I was 1200 and then 1500 on Monday), which I would be at NOW...

And, I wish I were getting tested everyday LOL. It will be on Tuesday and then a u/s on Thursday...

[Cityslicker mom]

I hope this doesn't sound to cliche, but sometimes your positive or negative frame of mind can make or break something. It's true! I wish you the best, sorry I don't have any other experienced advice to give you, hang in there.

[Bridgermama]

Throw the glass out and kiss your little girl! Sending good vibes your way, hang in there.

[Izzy]

I wish I could say something about the HGC numbers but I have no experience with that. I did have a doc tell me I was going to miscarry at five weeks because there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound (which I got early because I was spotting and had a history of m/c) Well, that doc was a stupid assbite to tell me that. As you noted, you don't usually see a heartbeat until 6 weeks. Everything turned out fine. Are they having you come back for another u/s or just continuing to take blood at regular intervals?