Motherhood Uncensored

A Good Babysitter is Hard to Find

I hesitate to use this title, for fear of quickly losing my "non-childinghavingyetornever" readers - but alas, I cannot sum it up any better. So, loyal friends, read on. It's worth it, I promise.

Be happy, o currently nonchildinghaving friends, that you do not even have to THINK about this topic, BABYSITTERS. Sure, I babysat - like in 7th grade - but seriously, who thinks about this shit (unless you are a nanny or something)?

So, let me explain things to you so, if by chance, you decide (heh heh) to have a child (or more), you will be well-informed on the topic.

Once you have a child, you cannot leave your house TOGETHER, with your partner, spousal unit, etc. OR ALONE (if your said partner, etc. is at work, play...) without one. Perhaps some of you will be lucky (or unlucky in some cases) to live near family, who can assist you in this issue. BUT, for us, this is not the case.

Now, some of you may say, what about DAYCARE? Well, that's all fine and dandy - but at this point, I prefer to have someone come to my house - lowering the chances of exposure to a large variety of germs and parenting. Plus, there is NO daycare on a Friday night, my friends.

So, you are left with finding a responsible person to enter your home, and watch your BELOVED child for said time. For me, it's about one full day, two half days, and an occasional weekend evening. You'd think that being a college professor, I'd have access to TONS of eligible and willing sitters - plus with the going rate at about $7/hour (pick your jaw up NOW), they'd be flocking.

Well, considering you won't leave your animals with just ANYONE, try that same philosophy with your kids. Coupled with the fact that most college kids have no desire to sit in someone's quiet house, watching tv on a Friday night. Then, you have to consider that if you go out for 5 hours - it's not only the $ for the evening, but an extra $30-40 for the sitter. I'm not cheapo - but it sucks to have to pay to leave your house.

Sooooooooooooo, here's the POINT: you are now at the will of your babysitter. I mean, they should hand you some type of warning when you have a kid. Along with, you will never get any sleep every again. It's a whole new world - of excuses that is. "Sorry I'm late to class folks, my sitter was late." "Sorry I missed half of the luncheon, my sitter was late." "Sorry I had to cancel, but my sitter backed out on me at the last minute and I couldn't find a replacement." Maybe if you are always late, it's not a big deal, but when you are in the business of appointments AND classes, you can't be late. You lose money, students leave -- you get my drift...

Sometimes you have to bring the kid along - which if it was a "no-kid" deal, you look like a total "Ineverleavemykidsever" smacked ass - or just a total ignorant schmuck "ohIdidn'tknowIcouldn'tbringmykid." Sometimes you have to cancel - which then you get the "oh, they have kids and never go out" comments. It sucks I tell you!

Today was just the kicker for me - as the most often punctual, type A ME was madly pacing the house at 1:40pm waiting for my 1:30pm sitter who is ALWAYS late (and who has x 3-4  canceled at the last minute). So, I pack up the daughter in the car and figure, hell, it's the last day of classes, and she can come with me (mind you, I have an amazing child who plays well on her own, draws on paper, and sits quietly - plus we were doing a fun music listening thing and she's cute so no one cared). Well, here the sitter comes at 1:45pm and stares at me, blankly, and I'm like - you know, I'm just going to take her with me. "I'm not doing anything, I don't mind" she says. Great - well, if you weren't doing anything, why weren't you here at 1:30pm??? Shit, it's quicker for me to pack her up, then explain everything to you (reading from my handy "babysitter notebook" <-- yes they make those and I bought one) and hell, it's CHEAPER!

I suppose a conversation about tardiness and cancellations prior to this situation would have been better. Thank goodness I have landed TWO great sitters (one for the day and one for the night) that arrive on time, don't eat (and drink - yes, draw lines on your tequila bottles, folks) me out of house and home, AND (first and foremost) love my daughter. They'll read her the same damn book 10 times, change her horribly stinky diapers, and rock her for about 30 minutes until she falls asleep.

AND, that's why we pay them the big bucks. The moral here is this - cut your friends a break when they use the babysitter excuse because it pains them to use it as much as it pains you to hear it.

"MaMa" Finally...

Two nights ago, at 3am, I finally heard those wonderful words from my daughter - MAMA. Let me preface this by saying that my dear husband, fondly known as "DA-DAW" around here, has been enjoying his name on a daily basis. If he enters a room, comes home for work, or even if he is seen in a picture, there it is - "DA-DAW." Even my Father-in-Law, who we see 2x a year, got Pop-Pop!

Until two nights ago, if you asked her, she would say MAMA, but that's about it. Well, that has all changed. While I have heard it upon entering a room, and when my picture flashes across the computer screen (we are a bit obsessed with watching family pic slide shows these days), but mainly, I hear it at oh, 3am when we want out of our crib. Usually it's a blood curdling scream. Nothing sweet about it. It's certainly effective - because no self-serving human could listen to it and not rescue whoever was screaming it.

And that's about it.

Moms Against Tom Cruise

I admit it. I thought the love scene between Tom and Kelly McGillis (WTH happened to her?) in Top Gun was hot. And honestly, that was the extent of my infatuation with Tom Cruise. Seriously, he's a mediocre actor (picks good movies, I'll give him that).

He didn't start ticking me off until he and Nic Kidman got divorced. She was pregnant at the time and miscarried. I felt that she had given him her all (based on the few movies she had made during their marriage) and had stayed in the background. I always find it interesting when stars (just stars) adopt and don't have their own kids - vanity, perhaps, but I felt in this case, there was other motivations on his part. NB: I'm not against adoption at all. So don't get all fired up about this. Anyhoo, It's obvious Tom needs attention to function (like his vitamins and exercise).

Then came the whole Brooke Shields dileo. She has a lackluster career - she didn't need drugs, just vitamins and exercise for SEVERE post-pardum depression in which she had thoughts of killing her child. Now that makes sense, Tom and btw the vitamins and exercise ain't working so well for your DELUSIONS.

  Thus followed the whole I'm in LOVE in Katie Holmes. The one who "dreamed about marrying Tom as a young girl" (wait she STILL IS A YOUNG GIRL). Kissing and making out EVERYWHERE. Now she's pregnant (hope SHE doesn't have PPD, right?), converting to Scientology, and dropping her whole management team for Tom's crew. Do I smell CULT? Visit here to assist in the cause: http://www.freekatie.net/

Wait, there's more. Do you remember the Oprah fiasco?  C'mon O - where's all the poignant questions and straight talk for crazy Tom? I mean, he's jumping on the couch, dragging his girlfriend out of the green room, and all you can do is laugh? Go here for more pics of the dreaded in interview: http://www.defamer.com/hollywood/gossip/tom-cruise/intensity-photoblogging-tom-cruise-on-oprah-104673.php

By far, my favorite had to be the Matt Lauer interview. I usually loathe Matt Lauer, BUT he finally came through for me. Someone who refused to BOW to the TOM. Read the transcript here: http://msnbc.msn.com/id/8343367/#storyContinued.  He knows the history of psychiatry folks. Psychiatry is a pseudo-science... Bla bla bla. Look, I'm the first one to admit the field of psychiatry has its downfalls, including countless cases of overmedicating where therapy and other treatments would be more appropriate. BUT, to discount the whole diagnosis of PPD is LUNACY. Women are throwing themselves in front of cars, off bridges, and killing their children (need I list the countless cases) and it's not because they are BAD people. If you have ever had a baby (or even a PERIOD) you know what HORMONES can do.

So, here we are today: Tom Monitors the Fetus with his OWN sonagram machine http://entertainment.tv.yahoo.com/entnews/va/20051125/113293655000.html

Other than the fact that he is ONCE again showing his CONTROLING personality, he has obviously NOT done the research on sonagrams. What he would find is that there is NO conclusive evidence that shows that repeated sonagrams are safe and unharmful for the baby. They can't say they do damage, but at the same time, they can't say they are 100% safe. Even your own sonagram tech will tell you that. So, I guess Tom only knows the History of Psychiatry and NOTHING about anything else.

I wish NO ill will on Tom and Katie. I don't have a Tom voo-doo doll or anything like that. I do refuse to watch his movies anymore and in some way, I hope his career and appeal cease. Not because I truly hate him, but I hate the idea of a person with such high visibility not using his position for GOOD. Women have suppressed their PPD for YEARS - mainly because we are told it should be a happy, joyous time. We don't need more women jumping off bridges or drowning their babies. So, Tom, take your vitamins and exercise and SHOVE them UP your ass, and while you are at it - you might want to take something for your disease - CMF (aka crazymuthafucka).

The Thanksgiving Diet

In honor of today, I have decided to share my secret to my 5-month 70lb weight loss. The name comes from the central foods in this diet - TURKEY, CRANBERRY, and POTATOES. I can't take credit for the IDEA, however, as it's based on Dr. Sears' Total Elimination Diet, the crazy, yet effective means to eliminate colic and gas, as well as determine food allergies and sensitivities in a breastfeeding baby. http://www.askdrsears.com/html/4/T041200.asp

Not surprising to me, doing the TED (as it's fondly called by those on it) is actually better than switching to formula, although the mother makes the ultimate sacrifice. Basically, you eat the least allergenic foods to clear out the baby's symptoms and then slowly add things back in, all the while watching for a reaction (for my dear daughter, it was green poop, reflux, and gas...). The last items added back in are the BIG 7 - wheat, soy, dairy, tree nuts, peanuts, corn, and eggs.

Now, if I were living in a cultural mecca, eating in this manner would be painful, but made less so with the presence of a WHOLE FOODS MARKET. BUT, trying to find "allergen" free foods in Columbus, MS is nearly impossible. AND, my daughter happened to react to everything ON the damn diet, so I was left with my own version, fondly coined by my good friend TMT as "The Thanksgiving Diet."

My main staple diet included the following: Cranberries, sugar <--pure cane, potatoes (regular and sweet), turkey, grapes, spinach, water, organic grape juice, and perrier. Oh, and LOTS of olive oil - lots.

Later I was able to add in the rice products, garlic, green beans <-- oh heavenly, and chicken.

Diet Benefits: Rapid weightloss in a reasonably safe manner; eat in LARGE quantities (okay, so it's the same 5 things, but still, eat, eat, and eat); no worrying about what to cook for yourself for breakfast, lunch, or dinner; you learn about all the crap that is in the food we eat; you rid yourself of ALL toxins - don't get sick - and could possibly shrink a cyst on your back (a small thing I had on my back totally disappeared...); it's reasonably inexpensive, unless you do the lamb thing; other than being a bit gaunt IMO, your skin will look great! Oh, and absolutely NO exercise is involved.

Diet Pitfalls: You eat the same thing for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (for the most part); you can eat NOTHING processed; you can't eat out; you crave everything GOOD; you have to make meals for you and your family; you get a modified eating disorder when it's all over; you cry at least 2-3x a week in self-pity.

Diet Plan WITH RICE:

First, let me thank the food gods who created EVERYTHING out of rice. Pasta, ice cream, milk, cereal, bread... you name it, they've made it. Let me remind you that for 2 months, I could eat NO rice - it's a sad day when you pray for the ability to eat rice milk.

Breakfast: Rice milk, rice puffs with craisins; Hot rice cereal with rice milk and craisins. (eat at least 2-3 bowls of each)

Snack: Craisins, potatoes, Cranberry sauce, turkey patties, rice crackers

Lunch: Ground turkey, potatoes, spinach, rice noodles or rice- fry in pan with olive oil. Top with cranberry sauce. (eat at least 2-3 servings).

Snack: See above

Dinner: See lunch. For variety, make turkey patties or safe turkey sausage (safe being NO allergens AT ALL). Or, turkey breast cutlets or a whole "Thanksgivingesque" turkey breast.

Drinks: Water, Organic grape juice (add some perrier for a special treat).

And, there you have it. For almost a year, I did it. For two months, I could not eat rice products, therefore eliminating breakfast. It's really tough eating the same meal 3x a day. BUT, I survived and on my daughter's first birthday, something healed over in her tummy (it actually happens to all babes - not just mine) and she is fine. It was hard - but it was worth it.

Motherhood does that to you. Makes you do things you think you never could (or would). Anyone who knows me knows this: I LOVE FOOD. I LOVE TO EAT.

Be prepared for at least 2-3 weeks of total gorging post diet, in which you could potentially gain ALL your weight back.

So, on this day of Thanks, gorge yourselves my friends, as you know I will be doing so. AND, surprisingly enough, I can still eat turkey, cranberry, and potatoes, even after eating it 3x a day for 200 + days.

Which Wiggle Would You Do?

While most of you are out enjoying adult contact of varying kinds, I am pondering life's deep questions. Today I wonder what wiggle would I do?

For those of you (lucky you are) that are unfamiliar with the Wiggles, let me enlighten you this wonderful day. These four lucky Australian blokes have made a fortune wearing colored t-shirts (okay, mock turtlenecks) and polyester black pants while singing god-awfully ridiculous songs. I hate to even call them songs as the rhyming is TERRIBLE, the melodies simple and pathetic, and the dancing, well, it's like a Jane Fonda video gone bad. Needless to say, kids LOVE them (including MINE), and they offer good, clean, educational fun at 9am CST every weekday on Playhouse Disney. Whoa - I've been watching it way too much. Note to self - Get Sex and the City DVDs immediately.

Anyhoo, the question remains - which one would I do? Let's analyze, shall we? Oh and for all your avid watchers, Captain Feathersword is off limits. Let's face it, I wouldn't even think about it with a name like that (ehem). Perhaps if he was Captain Longstick or something - might help his cause.

Jeff -- The small ethnic fellow in purple. He is always sleeping and is by far the worst dancer. A bit shrimpy and plays the accordian. Need I say more?

Greg -- Not bad looking, although he sings out the side of his mouth and plays NO instruments. He's a bit round in the gut area and personally, I think lead singers are highly overrated. NEXT!

Murray -- Guitar playing Murray is a favorite among the ladies (just kidding, I have no clue). He's kind of cute, but a little to nice and cheerful. Who wants that in bed?

Finally - my pick has to be (dadadadum)

ANTHONY -- Side burns, check. Low voice, check. Good dancer but not better than me, check. I think we have a winner.

Now it's your turn... Don't be shy.